zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 20, 2014 9:40:34 GMT -5
Yup, now neither of HIS women want him. Sucks to be him!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:20:56 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 21, 2014 9:26:15 GMT -5
I actually think there's a bit of a silver lining to him being mean. If he was apologizing and begging you to take him back, you'd have to wrestle with all these emotions and arguments as you make your decision. That he's acting like a a$$hole gives you clarity so you can knowingly move forward. I'm not saying it's fun or right or anything, but as someone who divorced a XH for less clear cut reasons (and had all the doubt/guilt that went with it) you actually do have some positives in this. I'm so sorry though. Divorce sucks, no matter what the specifics. X100 It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it is really easy to tell a guy acting like that to go pound sand. It's so much harder when you know it is for the best, but he's on his knees saying he'll do whatever it takes.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 9:35:13 GMT -5
Amen to that. I can't tell you how many times I second guessed myself. But I was right and although it was a harder path to take, it was the right path.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Sept 21, 2014 10:19:37 GMT -5
any news from Hurley recently? Pretty sure she said she'd be busy this weekend, Rukh. I hope she had plenty to do to take her mind off all this!
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,979
|
Post by cronewitch on Sept 21, 2014 14:44:12 GMT -5
Remember people, killing someone who needs killing is illegal still. Wanting to be a widow is reasonable but killing them is still illegal. You can't collect the life insurance and you will end up in prison so it is better to allow them to keep breathing.
This has been a public service announcement.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 15:12:04 GMT -5
We thank you for that.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,622
|
Post by swamp on Sept 21, 2014 15:33:36 GMT -5
Remember people, killing someone who needs killing is illegal still. Wanting to be a widow is reasonable but killing them is still illegal. You can't collect the life insurance and you will end up in prison so it is better to allow them to keep breathing. This has been a public service announcement. It's only illegal if you get caught.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 18:54:56 GMT -5
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 22, 2014 9:41:42 GMT -5
Remember people, killing someone who needs killing is illegal still. Wanting to be a widow is reasonable but killing them is still illegal. You can't collect the life insurance and you will end up in prison so it is better to allow them to keep breathing. This has been a public service announcement. It's only illegal if you get caught. Still bad for your soul though. Even if it is someone who should be put down like a rabid dog.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 22, 2014 10:11:13 GMT -5
My soul wouldn't be bothered a bit. Some people just need killin'!
|
|
hurley1980
Well-Known Member
I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 17:35:06 GMT -5
Posts: 1,959
|
Post by hurley1980 on Sept 24, 2014 12:50:14 GMT -5
Hey guys, update: The two cheating spouses were actually together this weekend in Tahoe, and apparently look like they have no indication of cutting off contact. My BFF basically told his wife if you don't stop talking to him, then we are done, and she chose my STBX.
Because my STBX is a very violent, dangerous, druggie/alcoholic, my BFF is now working to get a restraining order against him in the name of his daughter, so his wife won't be able to bring her around him. BFF told his wife this and she didn't seem to care. So it pretty much looks like she is choosing my ex over her own child, who she has only seen twice for about 3 total hours in the last two weeks. Both of our exes are pretty pathetic. They don't even have anything in common except me and my BFF, so its going to be a short lived relationship.
My BFF and I are just taking it one day at a time and trying to be as supportive of each other as we can. I've told him not to tell me anything anymore about what they are doing because I just can't handle it. When I found out Sunday night that they had been together than weekend, I laid in bed crying for two days. I need to move on, so if he has something to tell me about his issues with his wife, that is fine, but leave my husbands name out of all conversations.
I am in Napa this coming weekend, and next week/end (when we can find time) I am going to seek legal help about filing for divorce. My mom is going with me for emotional support, since I know you shouldn't use your lawyer as a therapist.
I am also going to seek out a psychiatrist to talk to and hopefully get a prescription for my anxiety. I have had a number of panic attacks in the last few days, and I didn't sleep for 2 days either. Right now I just want to get my health back on track. And I need to just move on, all of the speculation, rumors, and especially the truths are driving me mad.
Hopefully the worst is over.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 24, 2014 12:55:02 GMT -5
Everything is ten times worse without sleep. That is so true. Take care of yourself Hurley. We're here for you as much as we can be.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,329
|
Post by andi9899 on Sept 24, 2014 12:56:49 GMT -5
I am so sorry this is happening to you. They both need to just go away and never come back. We're always here if you need us. I have been through this with Baby Daddy. It was a very toxic relationship and I can tell you from experience that it does get better, even though right now it seems like it never will. It will make you a stronger person. You will also learn how to spot the red flags sooner in your future relationships. Hugs to you and please know that none of this is your fault.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 24, 2014 13:00:26 GMT -5
Those two deserve each other, Hurley. A bigger and better-matched douchebag and douchebaggette would be difficult to find anywhere.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 24, 2014 13:01:36 GMT -5
Those two deserve each other, Hurley. A bigger and better-matched douchebag and douchebaggette would be difficult to find anywhere. Now I'm picturing them as matching luggage - in that seashell pink someone brought up in Mid's thread about the recliners from Amazon.
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,939
|
Post by taz157 on Sept 24, 2014 13:01:50 GMT -5
Everything is ten times worse without sleep. That is so true. Take care of yourself Hurley. We're here for you as much as we can be. Yeah that! (((((Hugs)))))
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 24, 2014 13:05:43 GMT -5
And Hurley, if you need a stiff drink or meds to help you sleep, it's ok to take them. At least for now. Obviously it's not a habit you want to get into but humans don't function well on crappy sleep.
|
|
greeniis10
Well-Known Member
Joined: May 9, 2012 12:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,834
|
Post by greeniis10 on Sept 24, 2014 13:08:44 GMT -5
Thanks for the update and I'm so sorry for all of this! Again though, I can't commend you enough for your rational attitude and the way you are handling this. Kudos for saying right off the bat to your BFF you don't want to hear about your STBX anymore. A lot of people are too nosy and think they want to know the details until they actually DO and then it's a huge step backwards again.
This is one of many "first" steps that will move you forward much quicker than you realize. Also good job on knowing to use your lawyer and therapist separately and for their intended purposes. Get yourself a good lawyer, rely on your mom, therapist and anyone else in your support system. You will get through this!
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 24, 2014 13:21:36 GMT -5
Those two deserve each other, Hurley. A bigger and better-matched douchebag and douchebaggette would be difficult to find anywhere. Now I'm picturing them as matching luggage - in that seashell pink someone brought up in Mid's thread about the recliners from Amazon. Oh, so true. They are a matched set, all right. And between them, they have more baggage than a Samsonite commercial.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:20:56 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 13:27:03 GMT -5
I'm really sorry, but jeez..what a pair! The way you describe him it doesn't sound like a huge loss, but I totally get how it still can leave you feeling devastated. It turns your world upside down when the one you think has your back stabs you there instead. You have the right idea to focus on your own health. Let him do what he's going to do and you keep moving forward. I always fought seeing anyone/taking anything and I think I just made the bad part last longer than it needed to.
|
|
hurley1980
Well-Known Member
I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 17:35:06 GMT -5
Posts: 1,959
|
Post by hurley1980 on Sept 24, 2014 13:41:35 GMT -5
Thanks everyone! I have a really good support system and so does my BFF, neither of our spouses do, and maybe that is why they are still drawn to each other. I don't know, and I don't care. He was a really horrible husband anyway, and no matter how much I love him, I knew it was going to end sooner or later, and like some of you have mentioned, it would have been a lot worse further down the road.
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,878
|
Post by NastyWoman on Sept 24, 2014 13:52:11 GMT -5
Those two deserve each other, Hurley. A bigger and better-matched douchebag and douchebaggette would be difficult to find anywhere. Now I'm picturing them as matching luggage - in that seashell pink someone brought up in Mid's thread about the recliners from Amazon. I was more picturing a (brown paper) bag with a loaf of bread in it. Hurley throw out the stale bread/bag and help the poor people in Napa recover from the recent earthquake by buying yourself some good Napa wine. And remember it is not DB (douchebag) rejecting you -> it is YOU rejecting DB and the mess associated with him. He's just not worth it
|
|
Sam_2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
Posts: 12,350
|
Post by Sam_2.0 on Sept 24, 2014 16:22:45 GMT -5
Remember people, killing someone who needs killing is illegal still. Wanting to be a widow is reasonable but killing them is still illegal. You can't collect the life insurance and you will end up in prison so it is better to allow them to keep breathing. This has been a public service announcement. It's only illegal if you get caught. Well, it's illegal anyway, but you only get punished if you get caught, tried, and convicted
|
|
Sam_2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
Posts: 12,350
|
Post by Sam_2.0 on Sept 24, 2014 16:28:39 GMT -5
Hurley - I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you have a pretty clear head about it and are setting yourself up do make it through to the other side just fine. (((hugs)))
|
|
achelois
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 9:55:44 GMT -5
Posts: 1,479
|
Post by achelois on Sept 24, 2014 16:51:16 GMT -5
You have gotten a lot of good advice. Can't add anything there.
Just keep telling yourself that it will get better--and it will. One day at a time.
Hugs.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:20:56 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 19:46:46 GMT -5
Hurley, even if you weren't experiencing anxiety, having someone that you don't know (and who isn't suppose to judge OR repeat what you say!) to talk to would probably help you get through this, so its good that's part of your plan. Its one place you're free to express yourself without worrying about what people will think.
Its ok to feel however you feel at any given moment while you're moving on with your life. Sad, angry, whatever, acknowledge that's how you feel right then, then try to remember you're pretty awesome, you have the courage and strength to keep going until it all becomes just a part of your past.
I'm wishing you the best. Hugs!
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Sept 24, 2014 21:40:21 GMT -5
Hey guys, update: The two cheating spouses were actually together this weekend in Tahoe, and apparently look like they have no indication of cutting off contact. My BFF basically told his wife if you don't stop talking to him, then we are done, and she chose my STBX.
Because my STBX is a very violent, dangerous, druggie/alcoholic, my BFF is now working to get a restraining order against him in the name of his daughter, so his wife won't be able to bring her around him. BFF told his wife this and she didn't seem to care. So it pretty much looks like she is choosing my ex over her own child, who she has only seen twice for about 3 total hours in the last two weeks. Both of our exes are pretty pathetic. They don't even have anything in common except me and my BFF, so its going to be a short lived relationship.
My BFF and I are just taking it one day at a time and trying to be as supportive of each other as we can. I've told him not to tell me anything anymore about what they are doing because I just can't handle it. When I found out Sunday night that they had been together than weekend, I laid in bed crying for two days. I need to move on, so if he has something to tell me about his issues with his wife, that is fine, but leave my husbands name out of all conversations.
I am in Napa this coming weekend, and next week/end (when we can find time) I am going to seek legal help about filing for divorce. My mom is going with me for emotional support, since I know you shouldn't use your lawyer as a therapist.
I am also going to seek out a psychiatrist to talk to and hopefully get a prescription for my anxiety. I have had a number of panic attacks in the last few days, and I didn't sleep for 2 days either. Right now I just want to get my health back on track. And I need to just move on, all of the speculation, rumors, and especially the truths are driving me mad.
Hopefully the worst is over. I'm really not trying to attack you, but I'm amazed that you recently married a guy that you describe as Why is an affair the final straw? What made you even think being married to him in the first place was a good idea? I really urge you to get counseling, because this thread has been all about grief over the loss, and yet the loss you are now describing is completely dysfunctional. Why are you laying in bed for two days crying over losing this guy? Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm hoping that you get into counseling pronto, because you need to get a better grasp of your worth as a human being.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 24, 2014 21:58:08 GMT -5
I'm guessing because she was in love with him? Love isn't always rational.
And she got herself out at the first "last straw" which is miles ahead of many women. And men, for that matter.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:20:56 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 22:02:24 GMT -5
We don't all think logically all the time. If we were all great at picking mates, there wouldnt be divorces i should have never married my ex but i felt like i was at a point of no return, which was dumb but i know that now, i didnt think that then.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Sept 24, 2014 22:56:59 GMT -5
I'm guessing because she was in love with him? Love isn't always rational. And she got herself out at the first "last straw" which is miles ahead of many women. And men, for that matter. I get that completely. Really. But to be focusing on this one affair when there are systemic issues makes me worry OP doesn't get how much she is worth. I'm urging counseling because I don't want her to get into another relationship with the same systemic issues. There's nothing wrong with making huge mistakes when we are young (BTDT). But it's crucial you recognize the mistakes and work on yourself so you don't make them again. That's what scares me about this thread. We have pages and pages about an affair, but nothing about the violence and addition.
|
|