TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:07:28 GMT -5
And the question since I don't have a child I will use my mother. Would it change my feelings if she wasn't my mother.
No because she has sacrificed and done more for me that I can even count. She has literally gone to sleep hungry to make sure we were fed dinner, gave us food first before feeding herself. My mom is my superhero, I love this woman and yes even if she wasn't biologically my mother, it would not decrease my love from her.
My dad? Our relationship is dicey. I wanted him to not be my dad because then I could find a excuse to "never" speak to him again. We speak maybe 1-2 times a year now... So really just because he is biologically mine hasn't compelled me to forgive his past fuck ups.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:09:06 GMT -5
Horse shit. Unless she tells him when she finds out that she's pregnant it might not be his, it's just as bad as knowing for sure that it's not his and lying about it. Maybe she is a gambling woman, 50/50 chance is a pretty good bet. Why rock the boat lol!!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 16:11:57 GMT -5
Every situation, every reaction is going to be different.
That is one of the reasons I think you leave as little to chance as possible. I think you test and know for sure, so you can control how the information is delivered.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 16:11:59 GMT -5
Horse shit. Unless she tells him when she finds out that she's pregnant it might not be his, it's just as bad as knowing for sure that it's not his and lying about it. Maybe she is a gambling woman, 50/50 chance is a pretty good bet. Why rock the boat lol!! Considering your wife once tried to trick you into having a baby (similar level of betrayal in my mind), I'm quite surprised you feel that way. If your wife slept with someone else and "your" baby might not be yours, would you be fine with her not telling you on the 50/50 chance that it might be yours? Or finding out later that it really wasn't?
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:20:08 GMT -5
Maybe she is a gambling woman, 50/50 chance is a pretty good bet. Why rock the boat lol!! Lots of guys would a cheater and refuse to raise another man's child. He has a right to know before some ho tricks him into doing so. Again "tricking" is a not really the case, if she slept with both of them during her ovulation week (strong possibility); she probably did not know. And the "tell him you cheated and child might not be his" thing only happen on TV shows or movies to add to drama. Also: maybe I am wrong but I thought any child born into a marriage was legally considered the husband child.... At least in NY. So even if you can prove in court that the child is not yours, you are 100% on the hook for child support till that child turn 18.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:22:28 GMT -5
Every situation, every reaction is going to be different. That is one of the reasons I think you leave as little to chance as possible. I think you test and know for sure, so you can control how the information is delivered. Exactly, maybe she waited till the child was born to test then make sure; 100%. Maybe she forgot and the past two years have been a really busy time, but she really meant to do it. Or maybe she did, the child is her husband and everyone is happy so no need to tell him anything.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 16:23:29 GMT -5
Uhm, no I meant if I was him I'd have the testing done now
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:27:15 GMT -5
Maybe she is a gambling woman, 50/50 chance is a pretty good bet. Why rock the boat lol!! Considering your wife once tried to trick you into having a baby (similar level of betrayal in my mind), I'm quite surprised you feel that way. If your wife slept with someone else and "your" baby might not be yours, would you be fine with her not telling you on the 50/50 chance that it might be yours? Or finding out later that it really wasn't? The question is 2 years later what would it change? I personally would not care to know. Can you really turn your back on a innocent child that had nothing to do with her mom actions? You held that child, read her bed time Stories, she calls you "daddy". Most men that were truly "fathers" to that child would be unable to turn their back on the child. So why do you need to know? More heartache? You know the wife was a slut, ok , divorce her ass. What did the daughter have to do with it? She is no less his daughter today then she will after he finds out. He already bonded with that child. His first reaction was: she is not taking my child out of this state. You really think a man like that gives a shit what the paternity test say?
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:29:44 GMT -5
Uhm, no I meant if I as him I'd have the testing done now Come on oped, be on team Carl
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 16:30:40 GMT -5
Honestly speaking, a two year old will adjust. If the non parent decides they can't live with the new information, and moves on.
I think it's worse later on.
Maybe we should automatically at least type at birth?
Again, there are medical reasons to know. It is also very possible to come out later, so better to know and conteol the information than not.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 16:37:25 GMT -5
You really think a man like that gives a shit what the paternity test say?
Yes, I think some men would. For me personally, finding out I wasn't my child's parent would hurt like hell and quite possibly change my feelings toward that child (even though of course it's not their fault).
And that's why I agree with you - probably better not to know more often than not. You're already the dad in every way that matters. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 17:12:16 GMT -5
I don't know my blood type offhand but if high school is involved I'm probably A- or B+
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 17:50:56 GMT -5
Personally, if I were Hurley's friend, I would want to know if the child was mine. Obviously it doesn't mean I'd abandon the child, but I'd still want to know. I know second-guessing it would be more destructive, for me at least.
But I'd still want to know, and make my decisions accordingly.
The part about his son finding them, and the step-mom making him keep quiet about it, is just BEYOND AWFUL.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 18:44:33 GMT -5
Considering your wife once tried to trick you into having a baby (similar level of betrayal in my mind), I'm quite surprised you feel that way. If your wife slept with someone else and "your" baby might not be yours, would you be fine with her not telling you on the 50/50 chance that it might be yours? Or finding out later that it really wasn't? The question is 2 years later what would it change? I personally would not care to know. Can you really turn your back on a innocent child that had nothing to do with her mom actions? You held that child, read her bed time Stories, she calls you "daddy". Most men that were truly "fathers" to that child would be unable to turn their back on the child. So why do you need to know? More heartache? You know the wife was a slut, ok , divorce her ass. What did the daughter have to do with it? She is no less his daughter today then she will after he finds out. He already bonded with that child. His first reaction was: she is not taking my child out of this state. You really think a man like that gives a shit what the paternity test say? And this is why I heart Carl. I can't imagine walking away from a child that I loved and took care of for two years. Biology doesn't make a parent...love does
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 18:55:23 GMT -5
I don't know my blood type offhand but if high school is involved I'm probably A- or B+ So...that means my blood type is D??
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 18:56:41 GMT -5
You really think a man like that gives a shit what the paternity test say?
Yes, I think some men would. For me personally, finding out I wasn't my child's parent would hurt like hell and quite possibly change my feelings toward that child (even though of course it's not their fault). And that's why I agree with you - probably better not to know more often than not. You're already the dad in every way that matters. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Honestly, I can't imagine my feelings for my children changing....actually, it would be nice to have someone else's genetics to blame for my 15 year olds had decisions sometimes :-p
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 19:03:36 GMT -5
And this is why I heart Carl. I can't imagine walking away from a child that I loved and took care of for two years. Biology doesn't make a parent...love does
I agree. BUT, I still think it can impact future decisions, ie do you give CS or start a college fund? Do you choose to live close by or live where you want, even if it's a neighboring state? Yes I know that would mean taking the child less often, but for longer periods of time. Maybe it would show her a different way to live?
I think that's why I'd want to know. If it wasn't my bio child I'd still definitely want to be a significant part of her life, but maybe I wouldn't feel as much of a need to live in the same town or even the same state as her mother. I'd feel less guilty about trying to rebuild my life the way I want it. And maybe that distance from my "old" way of life would create new and even better opportunities for her down the road.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 19:10:09 GMT -5
And this is why I heart Carl. I can't imagine walking away from a child that I loved and took care of for two years. Biology doesn't make a parent...love does
I agree. BUT, I still think it can impact future decisions, ie do you give CS or start a college fund? Do you choose to live close by or live where you want, take the child less often but over longer periods of time, and show her a different way to live? I think that's where I'd want to know. If it wasn't my bio child I'd still definitely want to be a significant part of her life, but maybe that wouldn't mean living in the same town or even the same state as her mother. I'd feel less guilty about trying to reconstruct my life the way I would like it. And maybe that distance from my "old" way of life would create new opportunities for her. I think the difference is that for me, the love would already be there. Biology would mean nothing to me. I honestly don't understand feeling like I could walk away just because they weren't genetically related to me. Nothing could change how I feel about my kids
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 19:12:32 GMT -5
Miss T, I don't know the answer. I'm guessing it would be SUCH a mess, finding out that the child you thought was yours really isn't. In my scenario, there is love too. Less daily presence, maybe, but still love and still presence.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 19:19:05 GMT -5
Miss T, I don't know the answer. I'm guessing it would be SUCH a mess, finding out that the child you thought was yours really isn't. In my scenario, there is love too. Less daily presence, maybe, but still love and still presence. I'm sure the deceit of the woman would also be a huge factor. In my scenario, it would be a hospital screw up. I still can't imagine ever changing my feelings about my children. Not to say that I wouldn't want to kill my spouse if that ever happened to me (umm...if I were a man and married to a ho that slept around and passed off someone else's baby as mine!)
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 20:06:44 GMT -5
No, in my ex friends case, his wife worked and also made very good money. But he still would have been on the hook for child support and college. That's the law in his state and child support lasts until age 21. By staying married, his wife also supported the household and her daughter made the choice to not go on to college and he could not be forced to help pay for it. Not sure whether he ever got divorced or not but I do know he moved into a house with his son. It's very ugly. He told me one time she tricked him into another child after they had the first one and then he realized it probably wasnt even his so he got it checked out. But the name on the birth certificate is the one that is stuck paying per laws of most states. The guy I dated in Florida, one time I asked him how he had a 5 year old and he'd been divorced for 5 years. He filed and waited for baby to be born and then had baby tested. It ended up being his but his wife had been cheating on him. If you suspect right away and make arrangements, you cannot be forced to support a child that isn't yours. He was, of course, also hoping, it wasnt his because then he'd gain full custody of their other two children. She'd have had to pay him child support!!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 20:30:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 20:27:33 GMT -5
And this is why I heart Carl. I can't imagine walking away from a child that I loved and took care of for two years. Biology doesn't make a parent...love does
I agree. BUT, I still think it can impact future decisions, ie do you give CS or start a college fund? Do you choose to live close by or live where you want, take the child less often but over longer periods of time, and show her a different way to live? I think that's where I'd want to know. If it wasn't my bio child I'd still definitely want to be a significant part of her life, but maybe that wouldn't mean living in the same town or even the same state as her mother. I'd feel less guilty about trying to reconstruct my life the way I would like it. And maybe that distance from my "old" way of life would create new opportunities for her. I think the difference is that for me, the love would already be there. Biology would mean nothing to me. I honestly don't understand feeling like I could walk away just because they weren't genetically related to me. Nothing could change how I feel about my kids I don't link biology to how I feel for my kids either. It was what started it of course, but it wasn't long before that link didn't matter anymore. Days? Weeks? For sure after a few months. Then they were MY kids. Period.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 16, 2014 20:30:18 GMT -5
I think the difference is that for me, the love would already be there. Biology would mean nothing to me. I honestly don't understand feeling like I could walk away just because they weren't genetically related to me. Nothing could change how I feel about my kids I don't link biology to how I feel for my kids either. It was what started it of course, but it wasn't long before that link didn't matter anymore. Days? Weeks? For sure after a few months. Then they were MY kids. Period. Exactly
|
|
Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
|
Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 16, 2014 21:05:03 GMT -5
This cluster f**k is why someone I know lies all the time about dangerous liaisons.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Sept 16, 2014 21:38:35 GMT -5
In middle school my parents told me my dad wasn't my bio dad. Mom got preggo from a random guy - she met dad when I was an infant.
It didn't bother me at all. I still consider him 100% my dad. Sure, I don't know half my medical history, but honestly I do my best to take care of myself and knowing my history wouldn't change anything.
What this experience did teach me is that blood has NOTHING to do with family. I actually find it rather freeing to think this because it enables me to set boundaries without the guilt of, "Oh but how could you do that to your sister!" or whatever. My family is a group of people who all love/support each other. Blood doesn't have anything to do with it.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 16, 2014 21:51:13 GMT -5
Honestly speaking, a two year old will adjust. If the non parent decides they can't live with the new information, and moves on. I think it's worse later on. Maybe we should automatically at least type at birth? Again, there are medical reasons to know. It is also very possible to come out later, so better to know and conteol the information than not. I'm pretty sure B was typed at birth?
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Sept 16, 2014 22:03:34 GMT -5
I've got a friend who had a child she gave up for adoption. I don't know a lot of the details but she'd recently left her husband, met another guy and had a brief affair with him, then tried to go back to her husband. The try didn't work out and she wasn't with him for very long. She found she was pregnant and gave up the boy to provide him a better life than she could have done at the time.
Fast forward 35 years. She'd tried to find her son but hadn't been able to do so. Out of the blue, he found her! They talked on the phone and emailed back and forth and he came to visit. She'd always thought of him as her ex-husband's child. He showed up at her front door and looked exactly like the guy she'd had the affair with!
She's really quite a gal and has a marvelous sense of humor, fortunately, but she said seeing him completely threw her for a loop. Talk about a surprise! They've become very close and visit when they can (being across the country from one another). He had a wonderful adoptive family and is happy as a clam to have found his biological mother. He's loved by her, and his adoptive parents and he loves all of them.
Love is love. A child is a child. Biology doesn't enter into that connection.
|
|
skubikky
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 7:37:12 GMT -5
Posts: 3,044
|
Post by skubikky on Sept 17, 2014 5:50:35 GMT -5
My concern would be that the child would find out at some point and feel ashamed about something they have no control over. Ashamed and then most likely betrayed about the lie. So honesty in age appropriate ways is always my first choice, but I'm not saying that would be simple. I can't imagine ever walking away from a child who I had parented for 2 years. Ashamed why? Ashamed they were a product of a cheating scandal or ashamed for not being "genetically" their fathers? As a man that is "strongly" considering raising a child that is not biologically mine; I will be damned the day someone tells me they are not "technically" my child. I will give said child my last name, feed them, raise them, mold them into the person they grow into. You bet your ass that child is mine. As my mom said: genetics are overrated, give me my grand baby already! Yup, yup and double yup........the unconditional love that a parent has for a child is what makes it.........and when as a parent you experience that love.....you'll be overwhelmed that you have the ability to feel that way. It is truly a privilege to be a parent.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 17, 2014 7:23:04 GMT -5
My concern would be that the child would find out at some point and feel ashamed about something they have no control over. Ashamed and then most likely betrayed about the lie. So honesty in age appropriate ways is always my first choice, but I'm not saying that would be simple. I can't imagine ever walking away from a child who I had parented for 2 years. Ashamed why? Ashamed they were a product of a cheating scandal or ashamed for not being "genetically" their fathers? As a man that is "strongly" considering raising a child that is not biologically mine; I will be damned the day someone tells me they are not "technically" my child. I will give said child my last name, feed them, raise them, mold them into the person they grow into. You bet your ass that child is mine. As my mom said: genetics are overrated, give me my grand baby already! I'm glad you're here for this Carl. I thought of you when the topic first started getting kicked around but I wasn't comfortable dragging you into this thread.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 17, 2014 7:32:03 GMT -5
Honestly speaking, a two year old will adjust. If the non parent decides they can't live with the new information, and moves on. I think it's worse later on. Maybe we should automatically at least type at birth? Again, there are medical reasons to know. It is also very possible to come out later, so better to know and control the information than not. I'm pretty sure B was typed at birth? Same here with my 2. Of course, I don't have a clue right now what their blood types are but I'm pretty sure we were told while in the hospital. \ And not that it matters but we didn the blood test thing in high school as part of the section on Mandel? The monk who did experiments on pea plants anyway.
|
|