raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,014
|
Post by raeoflyte on Aug 19, 2014 10:48:01 GMT -5
My point was this "He is not working right now. Supposedly he still has his job, but needs a doctor's approval to go back to work & he says the doctor won't let him work. Have no idea if that is at all true. I kind of find it hard to believe because he was messing up that job before his accident & missed several days of work...getting to high or just not feeling like going. He has his own place. He had started school back in January & a few days after his accident his student loan money came through. He had to drop school that semester & somehow managed to get some sort of medical excuse & was still eligible for loan money in the summer even though he dropped spring semester. So he has been living off the loans & grants. He told me he isn't eligible to go back in fall, so I am guessing he stopped going to class & has gotten kicked out. Also have no idea what really happened there." The following can be explained by court records but also Angel is still thinking about him. As far as court, I don't actually know what happened. His monday court date was removed from the system which I assume means he either took a deal on Friday or got it postponed somehow. If he took a deal it almost guaranteed should have involved jail time, but he isn't in jail right now. So, maybe they gave him some time & he is supposed to report in a week or something or there is another court day too far in the future to show up in the system. Or maybe he somehow got charges dropped Knowing if your minor children's father is or will be in jail is something that I think is perfectly reasonable to care about. The ex volunteering information in an email and Angel reading it isn't the same as her trying to get information about what is going on in his life.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 19, 2014 10:54:33 GMT -5
I am very sorry to be bitchy, I really am it is just my thoughts and opinions and having been through it with both my sisters. It is terrible and dramatic and heartwrenching but I had to say that Angel is not going to change him no matter how much she would like him to change, he is not going to become a better dad, or a better person.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 19, 2014 10:56:30 GMT -5
No I don't but I have lived through it with my father, and both my sisters, and numerous friends. The situation is not uncommon with tempers and emotions running wild, someone needs to back of and I believe it should be Angel as she is the sane one. NO contact.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 10:57:23 GMT -5
Where do you see that she's even trying to do that? She's even dating somebody else now. I do keep up with my ex because it lets me know where his head is at so I know if I should change the visitation. Thankfully, he seems to be doing pretty well these days (at least in comparison.)
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,014
|
Post by raeoflyte on Aug 19, 2014 10:59:37 GMT -5
No I don't but I have lived through it with my father, and both my sisters, and numerous friends. The situation is not uncommon with tempers and emotions running wild, someone needs to back of and I believe it should be Angel as she is the sane one. NO contact. No contact isn't realistic with minor kids unless they stripped him of his parental rights which I don't believe they did. She isn't contacting him, and even if she is venting here she has said that she isn't responding to any of the stuff he's sending her.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 11:05:18 GMT -5
Nutty - Angel's also a work in progress. She's maybe on step 3? She's sure as hell not on step 1 so it's progress and it's good.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 19, 2014 11:07:23 GMT -5
If my husband showed up on my doorstep and I asked him to leave and he didn't I would be calling 911. If it's over, it's over. I understand there has to be some level of concern, but that's a whole lot of concern she is putting out for him for saying she is done. I don't see it that way at all. Knowing her ex might be homeless in the ner future gives her an idea that he could show up on her doorstep. If he does, she has got young children and calling 911 on their father is one thing that gets one as a last resort. Unless he becomes physical, there is no restraining order so calling 911 really isn't going to do anything. And if it does get physical, having kids see something like this is not a great idea. It seems o be she is walking a fine line, trying to extra ate herself fom her ex, but let her children attempt o retain a relationship with their dad.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 19, 2014 12:02:53 GMT -5
Yes I understand and I know that, it's my opinion on what "I" have seen, I am not talking out the side of my ass. Hindsight is 20/20 I know this, just trying to give a different side.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 19, 2014 12:45:21 GMT -5
If my husband showed up on my doorstep and I asked him to leave and he didn't I would be calling 911. If it's over, it's over. I understand there has to be some level of concern, but that's a whole lot of concern she is putting out for him for saying she is done. I guess I don't see all the concern I am showing. I keep checking jail because it will be nice to know if he is locked up & I don't have to wonder if he will show up or contact me or show up at the kid's school or something. I also don't see where I am trying to change him or think I can change him. Once upon a time you totally could have said that about me, but that part of me is long dead. So I don't see where that is coming across. I think as others said, it is a process & I have been slowly withdrawing myself from the situation over the last several months. Moreso recently because I can tell he is having another breakdown which turns him into a manipulative prick who wants to get a rise out of me. I feel I can't go no contact because of the kids. He has not lost his parental rights, just custody.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,097
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 19, 2014 13:04:33 GMT -5
Considering Angel mentions her ex sending her a text saying he was "waiting" for DS outside his school I think it's very prudent of Angel to monitor what is going on. If he's in jail then she doesn't need to worry. If he isn't then there is the possibility of him showing up and making a scene in front of the kids.
I don't see how that is somehow trying to change him or reveling in melodrama.
Angel's kids are still minors and he does have parental rights. Keeping tabs on him allows her to be aware if she needs to change anything and is a good idea for the sake of the kids.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 14:36:36 GMT -5
I don't think Angel is showing any unusual concern or anything for her ex. I would want to know too especially if the said ex is an addict/alcoholic and has issues with the law. Knowledge is power. The more she knows, the better she can protect her kids. I haven't once thought she was keeping up with her ex just so she can have him back or anything of that sort. She was responding to the emails more than she probably needed to but I understand that it is because she doesn't want to look like she is keeping the kids away if they go to court over custody.
I guess it is normal for so many people to read the same thing but interpret a different way based on their life and experiences.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 14:38:51 GMT -5
"I keep checking jail because it will be nice to know if he is locked up & I don't have to wonder if he will show up or contact me or show up at the kid's school or something. "
I can only imagine how much anxiety you must have over this. I used to have the same feeling. I hope everything works out the best for you and your kids.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 19, 2014 18:59:34 GMT -5
There should still be a resolution on the case, dropped charges, postponed date or whatever. The case does not just disappear, unless it is expunged, which would not have happened that fast, nor would it be likely, given the charges.
Depending on what jurisdiction the court is, and how backlogged the court is, it could take up to a week for the results to show up on the public Internet site. If you go down to the courthouse and check their computer, you may find the information updated sooner. You'd think the courts would use just one site, but it is not often the case; typically, the clerk's website has more detailed info than the public site. But court records are public record, and you can get the info; it's not always updated very fast. Some courts update in real time, meaning literally as events occur. Most are on a 24-48 hour cycle.
PM me if you are having trouble getting the info. And if he is in jail, he can call you, using the jail's phone system (they will take his cellphone away). Jail phone systems are normally done on a collect call method: in other words, the person receiving the call has to be willing to accept the call. BTW, you can have his calls blocked, but you will have to contact either the jail or the phone system administrator to do so.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 19, 2014 20:32:32 GMT -5
I also think angel is doing the best she can with the info she has. I just happen to think that men ain't going to change no matter how much we ask, beg, plead, show concern, show anger etc. That was kind of my point from what I read that Angel has info from some source that I don't believe is truly relevant to the parenting issue. My opinion.
|
|
ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
|
Post by ZaireinHD on Aug 19, 2014 22:41:10 GMT -5
the 26th is next week!
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 20, 2014 8:07:00 GMT -5
Yes I know it is my opinion. I know how how the anxiety must be but I believe in order for Angel to move on and be happy disengagement must happen.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2014 9:49:12 GMT -5
Yes I know it is my opinion. I know how how the anxiety must be but I believe in order for Angel to move on and be happy disengagement must happen. Is that not what I am doing? I know I am not doing great at it, but I am working on it. I am just really confused, where do you get the idea that I think I can change him? I have no illusions that I can make this man (or anyone) do anything. And I'm very curious as to what I posted that gave you a different idea. I do believe knowing if he is working, in school, living in a stable environment vs homeless, or is in jail are all very relevant to the parenting issue. It gives me an indication of his mindset, if he is having a breakdown, which are relevant to how much I should trust him with visiting the kids & whether there is a possibility of late night visits/phones calls/showing up at school.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2014 9:57:34 GMT -5
Well, shit, shit, shit.
He just texted...first time in over a month. I'm ready to leave the state, want a bus ticket, why do you hate me, you shouldn't have my last name, you treated me like garbage, blah, blah, blah...not the important part.
Next text: "Too many nights I sit and cry outside your window. Last night was even harder"
Next text: "Baby girl needs to learn to sleep with her night lights...no reason to be up scared all night"
I don't know if he is totally BSing me or what. But, from those statements he totally could have been somewhere. Or he could have just made some assumptions to make it sound good & get me to respond. DD has been sleeping with her light on forever, the only weird thing is last night she did wake up at some point & started screaming.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Aug 20, 2014 9:58:54 GMT -5
Definitely don't respond. He is just pushing your buttons. And keep the texts. You may need them. I'm not sure those alone are enough to get a restraining order, but if he does turn up at your house you can show a clear pattern... Do you have a dog?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 10:00:26 GMT -5
"I know how how the anxiety must be but I believe in order for Angel to move on and be happy disengagement must happen. "
She cannot fully disengage as her ex still has parental rights. I am sure if those were somehow terminated, she would be glad to fully disengage.
"I just happen to think that men ain't going to change no matter how much we ask, beg, plead, show concern, show anger etc. That was kind of my point from what I read that Angel has info from some source that I don't believe is truly relevant to the parenting issue. My opinion."
Can you point us to the post that makes you think she is trying to change him? I have not seen any indication that she is trying to do that. She is only trying to make sure her kids are safe. She needs the information on the ex to do that.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 10:01:13 GMT -5
Could you get a restraining order using those texts? He may still have parental rights but that does not equal stalking rights. He has no right to scare you like that.
Also, maybe get a security system and even a camera for the outside.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2014 10:03:59 GMT -5
Ok, I have calmed down. I think it was BS to get a response. Assuming he is still at his place, I just measured & that is almost a 3 mile walk. I am pretty sure his leg is still to messed up to bike & he sure as hell isn't walking that far. I suppose he could already be doing the homeless thing & that is what he does, walks around all night, but I don't think so.
Plus, he didn't provide any specifics that he could have. My BF was over last night, which initially why I thought he said last night was harder on him. But, really if he wanted to freak me out he would have made a comment on how the guy looks or the motorcycle or something. DD has been afraid of the dark forever, so that could have just been an assumption.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,097
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 20, 2014 10:05:35 GMT -5
know how how the anxiety must be but I believe in order for Angel to move on and be happy disengagement must happenWhat part of she has minor children and he still had parental rights is so confusing to you? She can't disengage because he still has a right to his children. So it's vital she know what is going on so if he goes off the deep end she has evidence to take to court to change things. I'm confused because I don't see Angel trying to change him at all, she's keeping tabs on him for the safety of herself/the kids and due to the fact he is their father. Little kids aren't going to fully comprehend what's going on and I can't imagine how scary it would be for a kid to see daddy hauled off in handcuff should he show up at their school and make a scene while high. And Angel that is BEYOND creepy. I agree with everyone to keep the texts. Talk to your lawyer if you have one because he doesn't have the right to stalk you or the kids. I would want to know what my options are in case he really is hiding in your bushes.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 10:07:15 GMT -5
Doesn't this guy have parents or siblings? He should go bug them about the damn bus ticket and get the hell out! He is completely messed up.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2014 10:08:45 GMT -5
I have two dogs, but they both know him, so not much help there.
I would guess I can't get a restraining order on that. They wouldn't give me one when he was suicidal & I several times had to call 911 on him. This seems even less dire. Especially since my house backs to a park. So technically anyone can come "sit outside my window" because it is public property. No way he was in the back yard because the gates are locked & either I or the dogs would have heard that..
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 10:14:07 GMT -5
Another thing is talk to your neighbors. Make sure they know he is not supposed to be around. Ask them to keep an eye open for you.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2014 10:14:15 GMT -5
There should still be a resolution on the case, dropped charges, postponed date or whatever. The case does not just disappear, unless it is expunged, which would not have happened that fast, nor would it be likely, given the charges. Depending on what jurisdiction the court is, and how backlogged the court is, it could take up to a week for the results to show up on the public Internet site. If you go down to the courthouse and check their computer, you may find the information updated sooner. You'd think the courts would use just one site, but it is not often the case; typically, the clerk's website has more detailed info than the public site. But court records are public record, and you can get the info; it's not always updated very fast. Some courts update in real time, meaning literally as events occur. Most are on a 24-48 hour cycle. PM me if you are having trouble getting the info. And if he is in jail, he can call you, using the jail's phone system (they will take his cellphone away). Jail phone systems are normally done on a collect call method: in other words, the person receiving the call has to be willing to accept the call. BTW, you can have his calls blocked, but you will have to contact either the jail or the phone system administrator to do so. I will PM you the county & let me know if you know anything about their system. All I know is how to look up the court docket for my state. I have no idea how to look up resolutions or anything like that.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 20, 2014 10:15:47 GMT -5
Yes, be careful. And keep us posted.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 12:21:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 10:20:09 GMT -5
know how how the anxiety must be but I believe in order for Angel to move on and be happy disengagement must happenWhat part of she has minor children and he still had parental rights is so confusing to you? She can't disengage because he still has a right to his children. So it's vital she know what is going on so if he goes off the deep end she has evidence to take to court to change things. Yep. I keep fairly close tabs on what my ex is doing. I ask him about his therapy, how work is going, if he's still going to the gym... I get a general feeling for his mental state during these conversations. I will keep doing this too.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Aug 20, 2014 10:20:58 GMT -5
Lordy, Angel! What a mess! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a crazy ex and I remember it all too well. A good security system is an excellent idea, IMO. Also, keep everything ... texts, whatever he sends. Keep it all.
|
|