Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 11, 2014 11:10:57 GMT -5
I just need to get this off my chest & hopefully be told I am not a huge bitch. I just am at the point where I am trying to move on & not keep bringing up my ex IRL, so you all get to hear it.
He is being a manipulative jerk (IMO) & I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. I think he is doing it in an effort to try to bring me back to him...I don't know, maybe he doesn't know. But a few weeks back he makes this big show about leaving town & needing to say goodbye to the kids...that night. Then claims he is too busy to say goodbye after I pick up the kids early from school just to see him, luckily I never said anything to them about seeing him. The whole thing was so weird though I wasn't sure he left. Found out last weekend that a neighbor saw him the other day, so he didn't leave. Then heard from him a few days later....I love you and the kids so much, I just couldn't leave, changed my mind...blah blah blah.
Now I am getting emails about having court on the 18th, getting kicked out of my place, have no money, etc, etc. Thought he was gearing up to ask me if he could come back...super annoyed by this. Almost every email also mentions possibly wanting a bus ticket to TX, which I said I would do a long time ago for him. I know that is spending money on him, but it also gets him the hell away from me.
Then the emails change...found a woman to live with, she gives me her car, I take care of her kids, now I need to pick up all my tools & X, Y, Z from the house so I can fix up her place. This is where maybe I am being a bitch - he says I am. I said no. The reason I said no is a few months back he suddenly went nuts one day about needing ome of his stuff....calling, texting, accusing me of intentionally keeping him from his stuff. Prior to this he had come over probably a dozen times to pick up stuff & also brought a moving truck & some guys one time, so in no way had I kept him from his stuff. I was working that day & he threatened to go the house when I wasn't home. Finally when I got off work I offered him $100 if he could get everything he wanted in the next 4 hours & never bother me again. He picked up NOTHING, but took the $100 & literally said he didn't want anything & would just buy new stuff. I felt a little stupid, but now that is why I am not letting him get anything...I did tell him if he repays the $100 he can get stuff, but otherwise we had a deal. So according to him I am being a bitch.
Now I am getting emails about how he doesn't want to be with this woman, wants me back misses me, cries all the time, can't work, has ruined everything. Then they turn to how much she likes him & how awesome he is with her kids & the kids love him & how he is completely fixing up her house & doing everything for her. Then he calls me selfish for not wanting to be with him because now the kids can't have their dad around everyday & my selfishness is ruining my kids lives.
Ok, sorry ridiculously long rant, but this has been building in me for a month now. I am just so sick of being manipulated. It just feels like he just keeps trying to poke me from different angles to get me to bite. I almost wrote a huge long response to the selfish comment, but decided it would be better to rant on here than even respond. I don't know if I can reasonably just cut off contact because he is still the kid's father & could have legitimate reasons to contact me. Plus, if I can get him on a bus the hell outa here, that would make my life a lot less stressful.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 11, 2014 11:14:58 GMT -5
You're nicer than me. I'd have told him his stuff will be on the curb, he'd better get there before anyone else does. Seriously, I don't think you're being a bitch. I think you're trying to preserve some distance and not let him be in charge and manipulative.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2014 11:15:19 GMT -5
My condolences. DOn't respond to him, it just encourages him. You know he's just yanking your chain.
Ignore him unless you are arranging visits.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 11, 2014 11:15:53 GMT -5
That is annoying. I think your best bet at this point is to IGNORE this and not get sucked into the drama. You don't have to play.
And, if he wants to leave town, he will, whether you buy him a bus ticket or not. And even if he leaves is still their father so he is going to be around one way or another. But, again, you don't have to PLAY. Don't give him $100, a bus ticket or ANYTHING. You offered to let him get his stuff and he choose not too. Sooo, at this point, you could either pack all of his stuff up and it on his lawn and be DONE with it. OR, completely ignore his BS.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 11, 2014 11:16:19 GMT -5
Ann Landers or Dear Abby used to have the perfect question for these types of situations and only you can answer it for you and your children:
Are you better off with him, or without him?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 11, 2014 11:20:42 GMT -5
My initial response is to say it makes me mad to hear that he's doing this.
Yes, he's the kid's father. But he's also your ex, and obviously, for damned good reason. You are a stable, healthy parent trying to raise a child the same way. As long as you let your ex get a reaction out of you, he will. He's grasping at every puppet string, pulling hard, hoping one of them will be the magic one that works and gives him what he wants. This is a man who has no clue what comprises "normal." His emotions flip more often than pancakes at an IHOP. If drugs and alcohol are the basis for those mood swings, I would not be surprised.
Let him sink on his own, Angel. Don't respond to the texts or emails. Block them if it's feasible. Call the police if he makes a threat, and let them know he is threatening to come to your home. Get a friend to go home with you if you need it. And yes, even though the divorce is well in the past, a restraining order is possible.
You've given him chances to get his stuff; either box it up and send it to him, or box it up and donate it.
You're only as subject to his whims as you allow. Don't yell, scream, or give in to one single demand/plea/request of his. Your son is counting on you to be the strong, stable parent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 11:23:06 GMT -5
No, you're not being a b*tch. It's really too bad you can't just automatically delete his e-mails but I understand that with the kids involved, you can't. Can you at least divert them to a separate In Box automatically so you don't see a new one every time it comes in and you can check them in batches when you feel up to it?
To the extent that you can, stay out of his personal drama. What would happen if you replied to his long e-mails with, "I don't need the details of your personal life. When do you want to see the kids next?" If his reply doesn't include anything relevant to his time with your kids or other matters that are required to have your involvement, send the same message back. "I don't need the details of your personal life; is there anything you have to tell me that has to do with the kids' visitation?" Ignore the rest.
If you fund a bus ticket, I'd make darn sure that (a) you bought the ticket, just didn't give him $$$ for it, and (b) that it wasn't easily redeemable for cash. If the bus company gives refunds, I'd tell him to fund it himself and I'd meet him at the bus station and hand over the $$ just before he and his stuff get on that bus and outta town.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 11, 2014 11:27:37 GMT -5
Gah, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! My ex was similar and sadly the only thing that "worked" was when he finally found someone else to latch onto, manipulate, and abuse. I mean, I actually felt guilty when I finally divorced the jerk because I KNEW some other unsuspecting female would end up where I was, but I just couldn't take it any more. And it wasn't immediate, either. It took a while after we divorced for him to finally find someone else, but, he did. Stay strong, just like you have been and eventually he will move on. Wish I had better advice than that.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Aug 11, 2014 11:47:14 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this. Ignore his drama as best you can.
I hope you changed the locks on your house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 11:53:21 GMT -5
I think we divorced the same guy.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Aug 11, 2014 11:53:34 GMT -5
I'm with CL. I would put the stuff on the curb & tell him to come get it. Don't bother knocking on the door.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 11, 2014 11:58:42 GMT -5
I think we divorced the same guy. That bastard.
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MarleyKeezy78
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Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Aug 11, 2014 12:14:07 GMT -5
Keep any and all texts, emails and the such and take it to the divorce lawyer. Get him away from you as fast as possible. I have a cousin who finally divorced a manipulative idiot and he still tries to do crap to her and the kids and it has been a few years, run, run fast!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 12:16:21 GMT -5
Gah, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! My ex was similar and sadly the only thing that "worked" was when he finally found someone else to latch onto, manipulate, and abuse. I mean, I actually felt guilty when I finally divorced the jerk because I KNEW some other unsuspecting female would end up where I was, but I just couldn't take it any more. Old Chinese tale: Two tears met in a brook. One said, "I am the tear of the woman who lost her love." The other tear said, "I am the tear of the woman who found him."
A couple of other thoughts:
You may choose to save e-mails and texts but unless you're trying to build up a track record of something legally actionable (such as the threat to break into your house or threats of physical violence), don't bother the lawyer with them. It will just cost you money. If he's threatening something illegal, get the police involved. If it's just the usual drivel about his personal life, neither of them can do much.
Do you have anyone you could trust to go though your e-mails from him and tell you what's important? When my Ex was communicating with DS, we insisted on faxes (the Ex didn't have e-mail back then) and they were sent to guy I was dating (now my DH). DH would go through them and black out anything manipulative or otherwise useless before sending them on to us. (I had told the Ex this was what I was going to do- just said they would be reviewed by "a third party".) It helped a lot- we were spared the worst of my Ex's rantings. One way to do this might be to set up a Gmail account just for this. Tell your Ex that's what you're doing and that from now on anything he sends to your current e-mail will be automatically deleted and you'll never see it. Give a friend access to the Gmail account (tell them the Username and password) and they can tell you only as much as you need to know from his e-mails.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 11, 2014 12:18:47 GMT -5
No, you're not being a b*tch. It's really too bad you can't just automatically delete his e-mails but I understand that with the kids involved, you can't. Can you at least divert them to a separate In Box automatically so you don't see a new one every time it comes in and you can check them in batches when you feel up to it? To the extent that you can, stay out of his personal drama. What would happen if you replied to his long e-mails with, "I don't need the details of your personal life. When do you want to see the kids next?" If his reply doesn't include anything relevant to his time with your kids or other matters that are required to have your involvement, send the same message back. "I don't need the details of your personal life; is there anything you have to tell me that has to do with the kids' visitation?" Ignore the rest. If you fund a bus ticket, I'd make darn sure that (a) you bought the ticket, just didn't give him $$$ for it, and (b) that it wasn't easily redeemable for cash. If the bus company gives refunds, I'd tell him to fund it himself and I'd meet him at the bus station and hand over the $$ just before he and his stuff get on that bus and outta town. I don't think you're a bitch either.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Aug 11, 2014 12:35:03 GMT -5
I just need to get this off my chest & hopefully be told I am not a huge bitch. I just am at the point where I am trying to move on & not keep bringing up my ex IRL, so you all get to hear it. Yes you are a huge bitch, at least I'm sure he thinks you are. However, I think you much prefer that to being a floormat, right? From your post, it sounds like you've been much nicer, much longer, then I would have.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 11, 2014 12:45:45 GMT -5
CL, are you my long-lost Sister? Throwing his stuff out on the front porch, & telling him to get it before the charity truck picks it up is EXACTLY what I would do!
Angel, it sounds like you are totally done with his drama. Keep copies of emails or any correspondence, in case it comes in handy in future years, but it's time for him to "man up" & create his life without you or the kids. Sounds like you're only good enough when he doesn't have another woman in his life. One of my closest friends USED to be married to a man like that. She broke free, & has never been happier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 12:50:50 GMT -5
I put all my ex's stuff in a motorhome and left it in the Walmart parking lot with the keys above the visor and texted him to get it before someone else did.
There's still a few things here that wouldn't fit (bed and kayaks), but I won't let him come here to get them. I'll have to figure out something else.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 11, 2014 13:20:56 GMT -5
Hold up ... Hold up!!!
When did "being a bitch" become a bad thing?
Sista, I don't know you... But by your story a BIATCH is exactly what you need to be because obviously you have let him walk all over you way too long that he confuses you with a "Welcome" mat.
Be a BIATCH... Be a BAD BIATCH and take ownership of that thing. Tell him Ms Nice doesn't live there no more and you are the new tenant and you aren't taking shit from nobody.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 11, 2014 13:21:50 GMT -5
Beth Carl
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 13:28:36 GMT -5
You are not a bitch! He is the bitch! I understand he is your kids' father but he doesnt sound any good for them either. As far as the tools, he abandoned them and now they are yours and you even paid him. Please please please under no circumstances dont give on, dont feel sorry for him (dont know if you do). He needs to grow up!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 13:31:00 GMT -5
I've been harassed a bunch about tools lately too. I kept telling him I don't have them (which I don't), but he insists. He either left them with his old employer when he got fired or they're still in the trunk of the car he totaled or he just traded them for drugs. WTH knows, but I know they are not in my garage anymore.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 11, 2014 13:34:16 GMT -5
::When did "being a bitch" become a bad thing?::
Ummm since always?
::Be a BIATCH... Be a BAD BIATCH and take ownership of that thing. Tell him Ms Nice doesn't live there no more and you are the new tenant and you aren't taking shit from nobody. ::
The LAST thing she should do is to feed into the drama like this. He wants her to have this kind of emotional reaction (positive or negative doesn't matter, he wants the attention and reaction). She also doesn't need to speak like a 1990's black woman on a sitcom.
I'd load up the tools (and any other junk of his laying around), take them to his new house, and drop them off. You can't trust him to cut the cord. By keeping his stuff around you're just creating that link for him to contact you about it. Or have a friend take the stuff and drop it off, videotape it, and be done with it.
The less reaction you have, the better. Emotion shows you have feelings for him, when he sees he can evoke feelings he'll keep doing it. Fighting with you is better in his mind than no emotional contact at all.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 11, 2014 13:38:53 GMT -5
::When did "being a bitch" become a bad thing?:: Ummm since always? ::Be a BIATCH... Be a BAD BIATCH and take ownership of that thing. Tell him Ms Nice doesn't live there no more and you are the new tenant and you aren't taking shit from nobody. :: The LAST thing she should do is to feed into the drama like this. He wants her to have this kind of emotional reaction (positive or negative doesn't matter, he wants the attention and reaction). She also doesn't need to speak like a 1990's black woman on a sitcom. I'd load up the tools (and any other junk of his laying around), take them to his new house, and drop them off. You can't trust him to cut the cord. By keeping his stuff around you're just creating that link for him to contact you about it. Or have a friend take the stuff and drop it off, videotape it, and be done with it. The less reaction you have, the better. Emotion shows you have feelings for him, when he sees he can evoke feelings he'll keep doing it. Fighting with you is better in his mind than no emotional contact at all. Buzz Killington, ladies and gentlemen!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 13:40:26 GMT -5
If I remember right, that $100 offer wasn't the only time you arranged for him to get his stuff or left it in the unlocked garage or whatever. I think it's been a long time you've been asking him to take things. I would say it's yours now. If you really don't want it, tell him you're leaving it on the curb, but if it's useful stuff, I'd just keep it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 11, 2014 13:41:41 GMT -5
Obviously everyone is going to tell you are not a bitch.
I wonder, though, if I am the only one who thinks that well....you kind of deserve this?
You went through pretty much the same thing, what? 5 yrs ago? There was a 1000 posts thread on old YM about you and your husband who then became your ex. Everyone was helpful and supportive and nice and trying to guide you through dealing with this guy. And it seemed like you did.
And now you are here, dealing with the same guy again.
So, I don't know if I would be worrying about being a bitch, but I certainly would be trying to work on whatever it is that is made you go back to that kind of relationship and not starting to date any new people for a long time.
See, now everyone is going to tell me that I am a bitch and you'll be all in a clear
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genericname
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Post by genericname on Aug 11, 2014 13:43:39 GMT -5
You aren't a bitch, you are just done with an idiot. Been there done that.
All I can say, is keep all correspondence so that when he takes you on Judge Judy, you can have her read him the riot act for you. Tell him to take you to Judge Judy then watch the ass chewing commence. She gets it.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Aug 11, 2014 13:47:47 GMT -5
I'm with CL. I would put the stuff on the curb & tell him to come get it. Don't bother knocking on the door. My parents were divorced when I was so young that I never remember them together. My dad is/was an asshole, cheated and tried to guilt trip my mom and treated her like crap through the divorce and long after. My uncle helped her put all of his crap out onto the curb then called him and told him to come get it before it was gone. My dad either didn't believe him or wanted to call his bluff but both were poor responses. He got pretty po'd when he found what was left of his stuff on the curb after all of his tools and anything of value had been taken by people who could get use or money out of it. My dad tried to threaten my uncle who had about 8 inches and a hundred pounds on him and if it weren't for a 2 year old me looking out the window my dad would have left with none of his belongings after getting his ass kicked. To the OP tell him when his belongings are being put out and then follow through.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 11, 2014 13:53:45 GMT -5
You can and will repeat patterns over and over until you break yourself of whatever causes you to seek things like this out. I know why I picked bad men and so I stopped but it took a very very long time. Not just a year or two. Fix yourself and good will follow you. Every time I see DFs former stepdaughter, it breaks my heart because she is with an abuser. Even if she were to ever get rid of him, doubtful, she will just find another one. The problem is her.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 11, 2014 13:56:58 GMT -5
::When did "being a bitch" become a bad thing?:: Ummm since always? ::Be a BIATCH... Be a BAD BIATCH and take ownership of that thing. Tell him Ms Nice doesn't live there no more and you are the new tenant and you aren't taking shit from nobody. :: The LAST thing she should do is to feed into the drama like this. He wants her to have this kind of emotional reaction (positive or negative doesn't matter, he wants the attention and reaction). She also doesn't need to speak like a 1990's black woman on a sitcom. I'd load up the tools (and any other junk of his laying around), take them to his new house, and drop them off. You can't trust him to cut the cord. By keeping his stuff around you're just creating that link for him to contact you about it. Or have a friend take the stuff and drop it off, videotape it, and be done with it. The less reaction you have, the better. Emotion shows you have feelings for him, when he sees he can evoke feelings he'll keep doing it. Fighting with you is better in his mind than no emotional contact at all. Buzz Killington, ladies and gentlemen! I know, having boundaries and normal/healthy family relationships is actually pretty boring. I'm ok with that when i see all the fucked up relationships people post about here. I'm making an assumption that Angel would prefer to stop the unhealthy relationship as opposed to giving him a 5 second soundbite acting sassy.
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