swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 14, 2014 14:49:34 GMT -5
I can't believe we're still talking about this 18 pages later.
You want kids? Good for you. You don't? That's good too.
I really don't give a crap what other people do. If I ask if someone has kids, I'm just making small talk. I really don't care if they do.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 14, 2014 14:59:09 GMT -5
I can't believe we're still talking about this 18 pages later.
You want kids? Good for you. You don't? That's good too.
I really don't give a crap what other people do. If I ask if someone has kids, I'm just making small talk. I really don't care if they do. Agree. I think the thoughtless questions are partially "misery loves company" and just talking to hear themselves talk. DSD had an oops pregnancy with someone she wasn't really serious with. Within a year they were married and the same people who shook their heads at the unplanned baby and wedding were the ones asking HER "when's the next one?" "trying for a boy now?" Seriously? I also understand those that are affected personally by questions that the asker has no idea about. It's hard to not taking something personal when you are in pain or conflict about it.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 15, 2014 11:01:21 GMT -5
You blamed the administration, so you are clearly putting someone at fault. And no, I wouldn't go far to help them because we all make choices in life that lead us down different paths. I chose to get an education and a good job. The path there may have been harder for these folks, but they still opted not to take it. They can get student loans and go after a career. No someone not getting what they are is fairly owed and paid for is not a decision. In any case umm ok. I am glad to hear everything worked out for you. I don't follow....who didn't get what they were owed and paid for?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:05:57 GMT -5
Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!)
Again - context. This is a message board and I presume rae wouldn't have shared so much of her story if she wasn't open to talking about it. It makes sense to ask questions of people on a message board about things they've chosen to share. Quizzing random strangers about their reproductive plans and/or judging their answers if they don't please you = / = asking questions out of genuine interest in a person's life with the goal of getting to know them better. Well we've established I'm offensive already, but the question was asked here and answered. And anyone who replied in any kind of affirmative is being lumped in with jackasses. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I'm not calling anyone a jackass, but if you have kids and feel sorry for those that don't there is an implied feeling of superiority about having kids. There is nothing to feel sorry for about not having kids. They aren't the only, or even the most fulfilling, part of life. Nor the best contribution to society. Unless you were Mother Theresa's mother...maybe...
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 15, 2014 12:15:05 GMT -5
Well we've established I'm offensive already, but the question was asked here and answered. And anyone who replied in any kind of affirmative is being lumped in with jackasses. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I'm not calling anyone a jackass, but if you have kids and feel sorry for those that don't there is an implied feeling of superiority about having kids. There is nothing to feel sorry for about not having kids. They aren't the only, or even the most fulfilling, part of life. Nor the best contribution to society. Unless you were Mother Theresa's mother...maybe... So those in this thread without kids who felt sorry for those of us with kids also have an implied feeling of superiority. It all balances out
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:19:07 GMT -5
My kids are one of the most fulfilling parts of my life, and what I hope to be my best contribution to society. No problem if you choose something else, but your statement minimizes in the same manner you suggest the 'other side' has done...
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 15, 2014 12:20:13 GMT -5
I'm not sure one can control what the feel sorry for and what they don't feel sorry for. I can't "feel sorry" when I'm not feeling sorry and I can't stop "feeling sorry" if I do feel sorry. It has nothing to do with feeling superior.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 15, 2014 12:29:54 GMT -5
I don't feel superior to those who have kids. I DO wish that people were more accepting of those that don't and respect that it is a legitimate choice that we make, rather than a default or there must be something wrong with you.
I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't regret not having kids. How can you feel sorry and regret not having something you never wanted in the first place?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:37:40 GMT -5
I'm not calling anyone a jackass, but if you have kids and feel sorry for those that don't there is an implied feeling of superiority about having kids. There is nothing to feel sorry for about not having kids. They aren't the only, or even the most fulfilling, part of life. Nor the best contribution to society. Unless you were Mother Theresa's mother...maybe... So those in this thread without kids who felt sorry for those of us with kids also have an implied feeling of superiority. It all balances out I guess, but they agree with me so it's okay.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:39:57 GMT -5
I'm not sure one can control what the feel sorry for and what they don't feel sorry for. I can't "feel sorry" when I'm not feeling sorry and I can't stop "feeling sorry" if I do feel sorry. It has nothing to do with feeling superior. Sure you can. You feel sorry for them because you think their life is somehow deficient. When you realise that it isn't you will stop feeling sorry for them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:43:09 GMT -5
I don't mind when people say they didn't know what love was until they had a child. When they say I don't know what love is because I don't have a child I think they are an idiot. I know enough about love to take in other people's children and give them the best life possible. I'm happy with how much I know about love thank you. I can give you many other examples of the stupid things that people say about being a parent.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 15, 2014 12:44:52 GMT -5
I don't think it's as much an intentional feeling of superiority as it is dismissive of the person / people without kids.
An example to try to explain: we have 3 kids; 2 oldest kids each have kids of their own; youngest son does not want kids. DH and DS2 do not get along well. DH says it's because the other 2 kids can relate to him better because they are parents now. This comment and attitude is dismissive to DS2, like he's not capable of understanding certain things since he isn't a parent.
(I feel like I'm not explaining that well. For some reason I'm tired today and am not writing clearly.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:48:14 GMT -5
I think there were things about my parents that I didn't understand as well until I had children. I don't know that I could never have understood them otherwise? ... But but having that common relationship did change things.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 15, 2014 12:50:17 GMT -5
I'm not calling anyone a jackass, but if you have kids and feel sorry for those that don't there is an implied feeling of superiority about having kids. There is nothing to feel sorry for about not having kids. They aren't the only, or even the most fulfilling, part of life. Nor the best contribution to society. Unless you were Mother Theresa's mother...maybe... So those in this thread without kids who felt sorry for those of us with kids also have an implied feeling of superiority. It all balances out I don't feel superior to those with kids; I feel superior to humanity as a whole. :-)
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 15, 2014 12:50:53 GMT -5
I don't mind when people say they didn't know what love was until they had a child. When they say I don't know what love is because I don't have a child I think they are an idiot. I know enough about love to take in other people's children and give them the best life possible. I'm happy with how much I know about love thank you. I can give you many other examples of the stupid things that people say about being a parent.
THANK YOU for saying this. I too took in someone else's child - two of them - and finished raising them as my own. With DH 100% on board. We saw them through high school and college, paid for their weddings, DH walked them down the aisle, and we helped with downpayments on their first homes. The girls give us credit, but the rest of the world doesn't. But that's okay, because we love those girls, and now we love their spouses and kids. People who pity me or look down on me because I'm not a "real" mother can kiss my backside.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:52:42 GMT -5
I give you credit. And I think you are their mother...
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 15, 2014 12:52:43 GMT -5
I don't mind when people say they didn't know what love was until they had a child. When they say I don't know what love is because I don't have a child I think they are an idiot. I know enough about love to take in other people's children and give them the best life possible. I'm happy with how much I know about love thank you. I can give you many other examples of the stupid things that people say about being a parent.
THANK YOU for saying this. I too took in someone else's child - two of them - and finished raising them as my own. With DH 100% on board. We saw them through high school and college, paid for their weddings, DH walked them down the aisle, and we helped with downpayments on their first homes. The girls give us credit, but the rest of the world doesn't. But that's okay, because we love those girls, and now we love their spouses and kids. People who pity me or look down on me because I'm not a "real" mother can kiss my backside.
Would mind elaborating on that? that just doesn't seem right
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:57:16 GMT -5
I give you credit. And I think you are their mother... Thanks, but it's not about credit. I knew just as much about love before I became a foster mother.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 15, 2014 13:01:26 GMT -5
THANK YOU for saying this. I too took in someone else's child - two of them - and finished raising them as my own. With DH 100% on board. We saw them through high school and college, paid for their weddings, DH walked them down the aisle, and we helped with downpayments on their first homes. The girls give us credit, but the rest of the world doesn't. But that's okay, because we love those girls, and now we love their spouses and kids. People who pity me or look down on me because I'm not a "real" mother can kiss my backside.
Would mind elaborating on that? that just doesn't seem right
When people have asked me if I have kids and I tell them about the girls, some/a few have had to gall to say, "oh, so you don't really have kids of your own." And their parents hated us for taking them, but that was not about the girls. It was about their own narcissistic need to not been seen as failures and bad parents. For many years they (the parents and my ex SIL's family) liked to talk behind our backs about how we thought we were "better than them" and were "lording it over them" by paying for college and weddings. One grandma on "that side" engaged in a full verbal assault on the girls when they chose DH to walk them down the aisle. But should it have been their dad? Heck no, it should have been their mother - even though she did not contribute a DIME to their wedding - or for that matter, to their support once she lost them to the child welfare system. So between people out there who tell me I'm not a "real" mother and the people who resent me for what I did for their kid - yeah, they can pretty much kiss my backside.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 15, 2014 13:28:33 GMT -5
Would mind elaborating on that? that just doesn't seem right
When people have asked me if I have kids and I tell them about the girls, some/a few have had to gall to say, "oh, so you don't really have kids of your own." And their parents hated us for taking them, but that was not about the girls. It was about their own narcissistic need to not been seen as failures and bad parents. For many years they (the parents and my ex SIL's family) liked to talk behind our backs about how we thought we were "better than them" and were "lording it over them" by paying for college and weddings. One grandma on "that side" engaged in a full verbal assault on the girls when they chose DH to walk them down the aisle. But should it have been their dad? Heck no, it should have been their mother - even though she did not contribute a DIME to their wedding - or for that matter, to their support once she lost them to the child welfare system. So between people out there who tell me I'm not a "real" mother and the people who resent me for what I did for their kid - yeah, they can pretty much kiss my backside.
wow...... some people are just complete assholes. and no matter how much my mom wants to believe that there is good in everyone, nope, some are just total assholes. I am so very sorry that you got all that crap. I think there are few things in life that more honorable than to raise other people's children. I think you have to be a very special kind of person, COMPLETELY selfless and kind and good. So, again, if anyone doesn't understand that - they are an asshole.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jul 15, 2014 13:28:43 GMT -5
I don't mind when people say they didn't know what love was until they had a child. When they say I don't know what love is because I don't have a child I think they are an idiot. I know enough about love to take in other people's children and give them the best life possible. I'm happy with how much I know about love thank you. I can give you many other examples of the stupid things that people say about being a parent.
THANK YOU for saying this. I too took in someone else's child - two of them - and finished raising them as my own. With DH 100% on board. We saw them through high school and college, paid for their weddings, DH walked them down the aisle, and we helped with downpayments on their first homes. The girls give us credit, but the rest of the world doesn't. But that's okay, because we love those girls, and now we love their spouses and kids. People who pity me or look down on me because I'm not a "real" mother can kiss my backside.
kittensaver, I ahve statyed out of this discussion, but I popped in to say, I think you are a FREAKIN AWESOME MOTHER !!!
I don't know ANYONE in real life who has such a big and generous heart. Many people do right by their own kids. But to take in two girls of your DB, standing up to family pressure, warding off unwarranted comments and actions, and opening your heart and home to the girls, THAT is a rarity. So Kudos to you and your DH for being the super awesome people you are.laterbloomer, same goes for you too.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 15, 2014 13:33:29 GMT -5
I think there were things about my parents that I didn't understand as well until I had children. I don't know that I could never have understood them otherwise? ... But but having that common relationship did change things. I DO agree. Some things just aren't comprehendable until/unless you are a parent. But to TELL someone that is dismissive, IMHO.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 15, 2014 13:37:18 GMT -5
I think there were things about my parents that I didn't understand as well until I had children. I don't know that I could never have understood them otherwise? ... But but having that common relationship did change things. I DO agree. Some things just aren't comprehendable until/unless you are a parent. But to TELL someone that is dismissive, IMHO.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight here! BUT: you don't have to know how to lay an egg to make a good omelette. Just sayin'
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 15, 2014 13:45:38 GMT -5
I DO agree. Some things just aren't comprehendable until/unless you are a parent. But to TELL someone that is dismissive, IMHO.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight here! BUT: you don't have to know how to lay an egg to make a good omelette. Just sayin'
I agree with you, too. I was just saying that what we SAY we'd do before we had kids generally changes after we have them. I was NOT saying that those without kids cannot understand some things. Poor word usage on my part.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 13:51:27 GMT -5
But, you are a parent...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 13:54:21 GMT -5
I think there are certain things about, say, having a parent with autism, that I don't understand because I haven't experienced it... And that might make two people with similar experiences relate better...
... No quality statement, just factual.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 14:47:07 GMT -5
My point is that I am a loving person, being a foster parent is just one way it gets expressed. I also make important contributions to my community, many of which other community members find more important than fostering or if I had my own kids. There is nothing to feel sorry for about me, or anyone, not having kids.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 15, 2014 15:10:35 GMT -5
I don't mind when people say they didn't know what love was until they had a child. When they say I don't know what love is because I don't have a child I think they are an idiot. I know enough about love to take in other people's children and give them the best life possible. I'm happy with how much I know about love thank you. I can give you many other examples of the stupid things that people say about being a parent.
THANK YOU for saying this. I too took in someone else's child - two of them - and finished raising them as my own. With DH 100% on board. We saw them through high school and college, paid for their weddings, DH walked them down the aisle, and we helped with downpayments on their first homes. The girls give us credit, but the rest of the world doesn't. But that's okay, because we love those girls, and now we love their spouses and kids. People who pity me or look down on me because I'm not a "real" mother can kiss my backside.
How are you not their mother? You raised them and made them your family... I'm confused
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 15, 2014 16:22:04 GMT -5
I never wanted kids because my own childhood was so awful. I was afraid I'd be a mom like I had and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. That being said, I did have children. I still don't understand why my mom was such a shit.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 15, 2014 18:15:01 GMT -5
My friend babysat my kids this weekend and afterword she expressed that she & her hubby have decided against having 3 kids from the experience. I get the feeling that she feels very sorry for me & thinks my kids are horrible.
I feel kind of bad she had a bad experience because she works with kids in her job, so I thought it would be no problem & she knew how to deal with kids. But she opted to take the 3 & 5 year old to an amusement park for like 5 hours with no down time & then feed them dinner when they are normally going to bed. I could have told her that my kids were going to be cranky as hell if she did that & are going to act way worse than normal. Then somehow she let the 7 month old crawl around naked on the carpet with a poopy butt. Which I also feel bad about, but that is really the fault of the diaper changer & doesn't happen at my house either.
I don't know if I should laugh that she thinks my kids are horrible & pities me or to be embarrassed by that fact.
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