sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 14, 2014 10:47:29 GMT -5
Absolutely true, raeoflyte. I agree that I don't think most of those questions are malicious (some are, of course), but rather asked without thinking. There are some genuinely mean and nasty people in this world. No question about that. But I don't think most people are like that. I agree.
Next month is my 20 year high school reunion. Most people haven't seen each other in 20 years and not everyone is fb friends with everyone. So I will be asked 50 times "are you married?" "how many kids do you have?" or "how old are your kids?" "what do you do for a living?"
I don't think most of the people will mean them to be insulting questions but if someone is going through a nasty divorce or has a spouse that passed away that "are you married" question will be painful for them to answer.
How many kids?= painful if someone lost a child or recently had a miscarriage
What do you do for a living?" - painful if someone recently lost their job.
Out of our class for 300 people I probably "know" or socialize with 20 of them currently and am familiar with what's going on in their lives but the rest are a complete mystery.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 10:48:58 GMT -5
This is how I feel. But every single question can be painful. If we never ask any of them at best we are perceived as self centered or at worst we never get to truly know anyone. Wwbg said he hated people asking them when the wedding date was. I get that had a lot of emotion behind it for them, but its also a perfectly reasonable question.
This is true. You have to ask questions to get to know people.
IIRC the wedding question WWBG was touchy about was the last name change thing. I do think that's a little personal and unnecessary. And apparently they got it a lot.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 14, 2014 10:50:06 GMT -5
I get my SIL doesn't approach being pregnant and having kids the same way I do and doesn't understand my position on the subject. I don't get her position on it either because that's not how I am wired.
I don't mind that. I also didn't mind her asking if we were having a second (though 48 hours post birth of kid #1 is a tad insensitive IMO). What I didn't appreciate was the endless discussion after I had made my position known to her.
She wasn't going to be able to talk me into having a second before I was ready and I REALLY did not appreciate the arm chair psychologist route that was sometimes taken concerning how I was going to stunt Gwen's emotional development if she did not have a sibling.
I liked to launch into whatever the latest drama my brother cooked up during those conversations. Yeah having a sibling is freaking AWESOME can't wait to give this joy to Gwen. That ended things pretty fast.
I don't think she was trying to mean/rude. I think she's clueless/tactless and doesn't pick up on the signs that the conversation is headed in a direction the other party doesn't want to go in.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 10:53:29 GMT -5
Next month is my 20 year high school reunion. Most people haven't seen each other in 20 years and not everyone is fb friends with everyone. So I will be asked 50 times "are you married?" "how many kids do you have?" or "how old are your kids?" "what do you do for a living?"
Yup. Personally, I wouldn't go to my high school reunion where those kinds of questions are acceptable and expected if I knew I was going to have trouble answering one of them over and over again. You can't get upset with people for asking totally reasonable questions in a setting like a "catch up" event where those questions are encouraged (I mean, I guess you can but it seems pretty antisocial). But I have zero intention of going to any of my HS reunions anyway. My junior prom date is currently making his first feature film. My career sounds awfully dull and unsexy by comparison
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 14, 2014 10:55:39 GMT -5
This is how I feel. But every single question can be painful. If we never ask any of them at best we are perceived as self centered or at worst we never get to truly know anyone. Wwbg said he hated people asking them when the wedding date was. I get that had a lot of emotion behind it for them, but its also a perfectly reasonable question.
This is true. You have to ask questions to get to know people. IIRC the wedding question WWBG was touchy about was the last name change thing. I do think that's a little personal and unnecessary. And apparently they got it a lot. I'd have to hear the context. In this day and age I think its a reasonable question. It's the follow up that determines intent imo. (And I thought it was every possible question pertaining to weddings/marriage that was tough for them but I could be mis-remembering). I also ask a lot of questions of people who are at similar points in life and I want their input. I'm sure people have felt I'm rude when I'm really just trying to get some insight. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 14, 2014 11:01:25 GMT -5
Firebird- I hear you there . I'm going because A. I live in town and B. a few of my friends are going to be there. We (my friends and I) aren't super thrilled about it being held in a shady bar in a bad part of town where there have been shootings and stabbings. But the class as a whole agreed to it and it's cheap_ only have to pay for your own booze.
One of my close friends said the other day "we'll go, gather the people we want to hang out with and then we can invite them back to my house for a bonfire". So her and I are going to make some snacks/desserts/etc. and stock up on firewood just to be on the safe side. We'll play it by ear.
My friendly neighborhood game store is a couple blocks from there too so we can always leave and go play board games if the reunion sucks.
I mean for Pete's sake! I'm nearly 39. I have better things to do with a Saturday night than sit in a dank bar drinking watered down beer and listening to someone's ipod (because that's our "entertainment" option for the night).
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 14, 2014 11:12:10 GMT -5
That's not true at all. I can guarantee you that I don't lack intellect and/or imagination and I "can't fathom" a lot of things. I'm sure you "can't fathom" lots of things. For instance, I can't fathom abusing a child. Does that make me stupid? You can't fathom YOU abusing a child. I'm sure you understand the idea of child abuse though. I also think that if you think about it, you could identify some of the (obviously horrific and misguided) thoughts and emotions that lead to it - rage, frustration, being out of control and wanting to regain control, wanting to cause someone else pain. That's the level of "fathoming" I'm talking about - understanding why someone else may make choices that are different than yours, whether or not you agree with those choices or the reasoning behind them. If you can't understand those at a level that allows you to identify that in someone else's life (rather than your own), then yes, I think you would be stupid or lacking imagination. I also don't think that's the case here. I think in this case, you can't imagine YOU making that choice, so you pronounce it "unfathomable." For the record, I am against child abuse, pedophila, and any other horror you would like to throw up here. But that doesn't mean that I am unable to think about why someone else may do these things in an effort to understand why thes Nope. Sorry. I can't imagine that level of rage against a child. And when I said "I" can't fathom it, that's exactly what I meant - that "I" can't fathom it. I didn't say you can't fathom it or Uncle Harry can't fathom it. I said "I". And that's what Shooby said. At least that I remember accordingly. I can't fathom molesting a child and it doesn't matter how many times you say (like you said about abusing a child) "Oh yes you could...if you really THINK about it." - it's unfathomable. And that's all Shooby was saying. Questioning someone's intellect because they don't agree with you, while it may be the soup dejour around here, is getting tiresome.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 11:12:17 GMT -5
That's not true at all. I can guarantee you that I don't lack intellect and/or imagination and I "can't fathom" a lot of things. I'm sure you "can't fathom" lots of things. For instance, I can't fathom abusing a child. Does that make me stupid? You can't fathom YOU abusing a child. I'm sure you understand the idea of child abuse though. I also think that if you think about it, you could identify some of the (obviously horrific and misguided) thoughts and emotions that lead to it - rage, frustration, being out of control and wanting to regain control, wanting to cause someone else pain. That's the level of "fathoming" I'm talking about - understanding why someone else may make choices that are different than yours, whether or not you agree with those choices or the reasoning behind them. If you can't understand those at a level that allows you to identify that in someone else's life (rather than your own), then yes, I think you would be stupid or lacking imagination. I also don't think that's the case here. I think in this case, you can't imagine YOU making that choice, so you pronounce it "unfathomable." For the record, I am against child abuse, pedophila, and any other horror you would like to throw up here. But that doesn't mean that I am unable to think about why someone else may do these things in an effort to understand why these things happen. There are lots of things I can't understand...murdering your child, mutilating someone, etc....I would be more worried about the person who actually understands why someone would make that choice...
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 14, 2014 11:21:56 GMT -5
I try to cut people slack on the "when are you having another?" question because most of the time, I can tell it's being asked with absolutely zero malicious intent. It's usually a follow up to "OMG YOU HAVE THE CUTEST BABY EVER" so how can I get mad at that? They don't realize it's something I struggle with daily, and how could they? Why would I WANT them to know that? But I do wish people would realize that it's just not a great question to ask people, especially if you don't know them that well. It's very personal and can be very painful. I sometimes ask if friends are "interested in having kids" if the conversation goes in that direction. But now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't even be asking that. I've been asked 5 times in the past 2 weeks why I'm not pregnant yet.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 14, 2014 11:28:27 GMT -5
I've been asked 5 times in the past 2 weeks why I'm not pregnant yet.
Because DH can't find the hole, do you think I should draw a map?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 11:32:57 GMT -5
I've been where you are and the questions get old. I've also gotten plenty of judgment and moral superiority from my child free friends now that I've crossed over and that gets old too.
Most of this I get about being child free comes from acquaintances, not friends. These are the people that you need to be polite to for political reasons (like the chair's wife and her cronies). If any of my friends questioned my decision to have kids, or not, then they would no longer be my friends.
This is a choice that YOU make, not them.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 11:38:07 GMT -5
This weekend, I was at a family event and a woman I clicked with just had her third daughter. I had absolutely NO intention to find out if they were going to go for a little boy, but she (I guess officially she is my SIL) volunteered this information that the baby factory has shut down, their family is 3 little girls and that's it.
The fact that she volunteered this information so readily made me wonder how many times she has fielded that question and was heading things off at the pass.
Her daughters are adorable and they all have daddy wrapped around their little finger.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 14, 2014 11:42:17 GMT -5
I don't get the "so will you try again for a boy?" comments/jokes we get. DH is thrilled to pieces to have another daughter and I am too. It's not the end of the world for us to not have a son, we have zero desire to keep going until we have a boy.. .who knows how many kids that might result in! He may not like having two girls so much once they figure out how to tag team him. Good thing mommy is in charge of the finances.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 11:42:39 GMT -5
I've been where you are and the questions get old. I've also gotten plenty of judgment and moral superiority from my child free friends now that I've crossed over and that gets old too.Most of this I get about being child free comes from acquaintances, not friends. These are the people that you need to be polite to for political reasons (like the chair's wife and her cronies). If any of my friends questioned my decision to have kids, or not, then they would no longer be my friends. This is a choice that YOU make, not them. I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!) Maybe I am not as easily offended so I don't understand why everyone else gets so offended over questions. I tend to be an open book and will answer most questions without getting upset.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 11:43:26 GMT -5
I'm at an age where many friends are in between childless and child free.
There is no 'between'. If you want children and cannot have them, regardless of reason, you are childless. If you do not want children and have never wanted them (and normally, it is from a fairly early age in life, for me at 13 years), you are child free. Most child free people look to getting themselves permanently sterilized as early as they can, shutting down the possibility of an accident.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 11:46:25 GMT -5
I'm at an age where many friends are in between childless and child free.There is no 'between'. If you want children and cannot have them, regardless of reason, you are childless. If you do not want children and have never wanted them (and normally, it is from a fairly early age in life, for me at 13 years), you are child free. Most child free people look to getting themselves permanently sterilized as early as they can, shutting down the possibility of an accident. I disagree. Look at Alicia. She never wanted kids, insisted she never wanted kids and then had a change if heart when she married her husband. So not everyone at 12, 22 or even 32 can say with complete certainty that they will not change their mind
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 11:54:58 GMT -5
I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from
The worst time, I got trapped by the chair's wife....a woman that I *maybe* see 1-2x/year. It was at a departmental Christmas party and it wasn't just one question. It was a whole series of very intrusive questions that were none of her business. The worst part of it was that I was told that I was 'selfish' because I wasn't having children and had no intention of having them.
The line of questioning went like this....as I remember, this was about 15 years ago. Her: So do you have kids? Me: No. Her: Why not? Me: I don't want kids, never wanted them since I was 13. Her: All women want kids. Me: Nope, never did. Her: You'll change your mind if you meet someone that wants children. Me: Nope, wanting children is a dealbreaker for me, just like illegal drug use is. Her: You'll never meet someone who does not want children, and besides who is going to take care of you when you get old? Me: I'll take care of myself, or I'll pay someone to help me. Her: Well, I think that that's incredibly selfish, every woman wants children. Me: OK. (thinking not going to win this one and as she's my boss's boss wife, I'm not about to commit career suicide)
I excused myself to go to the bathroom, breathing a HUGE sigh of relief when she didn't decide that she needed to
(at this point, I won Child Free Bingo)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 11:57:01 GMT -5
I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming fromThe worst time, I got trapped by the chair's wife....a woman that I *maybe* see 1-2x/year. It was at a departmental Christmas party and it wasn't just one question. It was a whole series of very intrusive questions that were none of her business. The worst part of it was that I was told that I was 'selfish' because I wasn't having children and had no intention of having them. The line of questioning went like this....as I remember, this was about 15 years ago. Her: So do you have kids? Me: No. Her: Why not? Me: I don't want kids, never wanted them since I was 13. Her: All women want kids. Me: Nope, never did. Her: You'll change your mind if you meet someone that wants children. Me: Nope, wanting children is a dealbreaker for me, just like illegal drug use is. Her: You'll never meet someone who does not want children, and besides who is going to take care of you when you get old? Me: I'll take care of myself, or I'll pay someone to help me. Her: Well, I think that that's incredibly selfish, every woman wants children. Me: OK. (thinking not going to win this one and as she's my boss's boss wife, I'm not about to commit career suicide) I excused myself to go to the bathroom, breathing a HUGE sigh of relief when she didn't decide that she needed to (at this point, I won Child Free Bingo) That woman was a horses ass. First you aren't a close friend and second, her questions were rude. That is different than a close friend asking you personal quesrions
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 14, 2014 11:58:14 GMT -5
I've been where you are and the questions get old. I've also gotten plenty of judgment and moral superiority from my child free friends now that I've crossed over and that gets old too.Most of this I get about being child free comes from acquaintances, not friends. These are the people that you need to be polite to for political reasons (like the chair's wife and her cronies). If any of my friends questioned my decision to have kids, or not, then they would no longer be my friends. This is a choice that YOU make, not them. I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!) Maybe I am not as easily offended so I don't understand why everyone else gets so offended over questions. I tend to be an open book and will answer most questions without getting upset. Interesting perspective. For me, it's not so much that I'm offended by the questions, but rather the questions bring up stuff I'd just as soon not think about. I am not childless by choice, but rather by circumstances beyond my control. When somebody asks me (which they don't much anymore since I'm not married) why I don't have kids, the question brings those bad feelings right to the top again. Someday, that might change, but for now, I'd probably describe the feeling as more of a hurtful one rather than an offended one. I just try to keep in mind that what seems to be like an innocent question may actually hurt the person I'm asking. Most people, if you know them long enough, will volunteer the information if they are so inclined.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 11:58:46 GMT -5
I'm at an age where many friends are in between childless and child free.There is no 'between'. If you want children and cannot have them, regardless of reason, you are childless. If you do not want children and have never wanted them (and normally, it is from a fairly early age in life, for me at 13 years), you are child free. Most child free people look to getting themselves permanently sterilized as early as they can, shutting down the possibility of an accident. I disagree. Look at Alicia. She never wanted kids, insisted she never wanted kids and then had a change if heart when she married her husband. So not everyone at 12, 22 or even 32 can say with complete certainty that they will not change their mind For child free people, being with someone who wants children is a dealbreaker. Being with someone who wants children and is willing to have them means that there is enough of an ambiguity in their brain that this is an option. I've bailed from 2 relationships because of this. I don't know how to more clearly to explain it.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 12:04:20 GMT -5
That woman was a horses ass. First you aren't a close friend and second, her questions were rude. That is different than a close friend asking you personal quesrions
Absolutely. Her questions WERE rude and because she was who she was, she could get away with this. My friends know my attitude and I have never had to field questions like this.
One friend did ask me about it, because I am really good with children and she thought it was a shame. However, her questions were not near as rude but curious as to why I came to the decision that I did. She's my oldest and dearest friend, we met <gulp> 35 years ago, while still in college.
If I called her, needing help to hide a body, she'd be on the next plane with a game plan. Twice, she's helped take care of me after surgery. But then, I've gone shopping with her when she was 7 months pregnant for a swimsuit and a sized 36 (they don't make bra cups this big), rolling on the dressing room laughing at the absurd maternity bathing suits.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 12:06:53 GMT -5
I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!) Maybe I am not as easily offended so I don't understand why everyone else gets so offended over questions. I tend to be an open book and will answer most questions without getting upset. Interesting perspective. For me, it's not so much that I'm offended by the questions, but rather the questions bring up stuff I'd just as soon not think about. I am not childless by choice, but rather by circumstances beyond my control. When somebody asks me (which they don't much anymore since I'm not married) why I don't have kids, the question brings those bad feelings right to the top again. Someday, that might change, but for now, I'd probably describe the feeling as more of a hurtful one rather than an offended one. I just try to keep in mind that what seems to be like an innocent question may actually hurt the person I'm asking. Most people, if you know them long enough, will volunteer the information if they are so inclined. I understand where you are coming from.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 12:08:07 GMT -5
I disagree. Look at Alicia. She never wanted kids, insisted she never wanted kids and then had a change if heart when she married her husband. So not everyone at 12, 22 or even 32 can say with complete certainty that they will not change their mind For child free people, being with someone who wants children is a dealbreaker. Being with someone who wants children and is willing to have them means that there is enough of an ambiguity in their brain that this is an option. I've bailed from 2 relationships because of this. I don't know how to more clearly to explain it. And I also have know. Women who insisted they didn't want children, never wanted children, blah blah blah. Then their biological clock starts ticking and suddenly they want children. I don't know how to more clearly explain it Eta: look to our own YM member Alicia. I'm sure we all remember her "I never want children" posts....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2014 12:11:47 GMT -5
'Omg, we've been trying everywhere. Do you think our penchant for SnM might be the problem? I mean,I wouldn't want to scare a fetus, but I did hear you need yo be a roused to conceive, and I just don't get there without a little spanking, know what I mean?... And I keep telling husband we can't afgord to waste sperm on.... Blank, but he insists... I mean, well, what do you think we should do? ...
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 12:12:19 GMT -5
It doesn't make sense to feel sorry for people who don't want kids because they happen to be your world. Clearly people who don't want kids, don't feel like you do. Wouldn't it sound ridiculous if I said "life with kids seems depressing and nerve-wracking and miserable!" If I had kids... that is likely how i'd feel. But the key is that is how I WOULD FEEL in MY LIFE... clearly that is not how others feel in their lives. It is a matter of being able to remove ones own personal biases and view life from someone else's perspective. If you are unable to do that... well then of course, everyone that has a life that isn't exactly what you want is going to be unpleasant in some way. It makes more sense to say "I would be sad and lonely if I didn't have kids" because clearly those who choose not to have kids, aren't sad and lonely. as a person without kids, it really gets EFFING annoying to listen to this crap over and over from people with kids. It is like, someone has a kid and they can't conceive of life any other way and because it works for them they suddenly have a bias towards those that have no kids. I have spent years being called selfish, listening to "you have no idea what you are missing" speeches etc. etc. Even if it isn't meant as such, it is condescending to feel sorry or judge other's lives as "depressing" or "lonely" simply because they chose a different path than you did. And yes, it does go both ways! And yet you haven't been able to remove your bias (of years of being called selfish and that you don't know what your missing) when reading these replies of our own opinions. Again, no one is saying they give these opinions randomly or when not asked because everyone else should listen to us. I've been where you are and the questions get old. I've also gotten plenty of judgment and moral superiority from my child free friends now that I've crossed over and that gets old too. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards In case no one read the string I made my initial reply because someone said they did not understand those offended. I was offering an explanation. My personal biases are NOT playing in to my opinion. if I had children, I would still feel EXACTLY the same. I find those people offering up judgment and moral superiority to you because you have kids and they don't just as disgusting. I find that anyone walking around thinking that people who have life choices that differ from their own live a depressing and lonely existence to be pretty self involved. If you can't comprehend how someone can be happy with a life that is different than your own, well... there are bigger problems.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 14, 2014 12:13:21 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2014 12:16:54 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
Same here. I had zero desire for kids until about age 31. Even then I waited a couple years in case it was a passing whim.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 14, 2014 12:17:59 GMT -5
'Omg, we've been trying everywhere. Do you think our penchant for SnM might be the problem? I mean,I wouldn't want to scare a fetus, but I did hear you need yo be a roused to conceive, and I just don't get there without a little spanking, know what I mean?... And I keep telling husband we can't afgord to waste sperm on.... Blank, but he insists... I mean, well, what do you think we should do? ... LOL, I usually just tell them all my drugs aren't safe for babies, but I think I like your response better
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Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 14, 2014 12:19:37 GMT -5
While it's another thread altogether, I get the same questions asking "Why aren't you married? "You are attractive, you have a good job, own your own home, are self supporting and you are sooo sweet (hehe)! Why in the world don't you find someone to spend your life with? You aren't getting any younger, you know!" Try being polite and answering with the truth, which is I'm just not ready to try it again, and you might as well save your breath. "None of us were READY! Sometimes you just have to have faith and jump right in." Yeah....right. That worked out so well the first time.
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sarcasticgirl
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 14:39:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,155
Location: Chicago
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 12:27:16 GMT -5
I've been where you are and the questions get old. I've also gotten plenty of judgment and moral superiority from my child free friends now that I've crossed over and that gets old too.Most of this I get about being child free comes from acquaintances, not friends. These are the people that you need to be polite to for political reasons (like the chair's wife and her cronies). If any of my friends questioned my decision to have kids, or not, then they would no longer be my friends. This is a choice that YOU make, not them. I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!) Maybe I am not as easily offended so I don't understand why everyone else gets so offended over questions. I tend to be an open book and will answer most questions without getting upset. I have 2 friends that desperately wanted children and both had miscarriages. They kept it a secret from even their closest friends. Both were constantly badgered by family and coworkers about when they are going to have kids etc. One finally just blurted out that she had a horrible miscarriage and would try again when the doctor gave the okay. It shut everyone up really quickly. The other had a super hard time. She said she felt like the wind was knocked out of her every time and actually had to see a therapist. Pretty extreme... but it happens. I have a couple of friends who always wanted kids and couldn't it is a sensitive subject. My DHs aunt/uncle are in that situation. She still gets sad and they are near 60. You never really know what people are going through... especially if you aren't amazingly close. I think the problem is that people just tend to think this shit is their business. If someone I am close to wants to discuss it, fine. No problem. but I have had people at work go in to long speeches about why I should procreate... 2 individuals that I didn't even actually know their names, I just saw them in passing. I have been called selfish by people I barely even know. I am not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed by idiots. I have told many a person that the only people who get to have an opinion about my uterus are me and my DH. Mostly it was people we barely knew shoving their opinions at us. and a handful of DH's friends who acting like they were the pioneers of procreation. DH's friends have shut up, as their children are now growing into toddler-hood and starting school, apparently the fuzzy wonderfulness has worn off and the "you don't know what you are missing" has turned into "you guys are lucky, you can see a movie whenever you want!" we just smile. My friends/family have never made a peep.
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