Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 12:29:06 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
That is all I was saying. If my 15 year old told me she didn't want kids I wouldn't take her seriously. I will never push her to have kids but I know what I wanted at 15 is completely different than 25 or 35
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 12:29:59 GMT -5
While it's another thread altogether, I get the same questions asking "Why aren't you married? "You are attractive, you have a good job, own your own home, are self supporting and you are sooo sweet (hehe)! Why in the world don't you find someone to spend your life with? You aren't getting any younger, you know!" Try being polite and answering with the truth, which is I'm just not ready to try it again, and you might as well save your breath. "None of us were READY! Sometimes you just have to have faith and jump right in." Yeah....right. That worked out so well the first time. Damn...that is so rude! Seriously, I can't imagine saying that to anyone.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 14, 2014 12:31:53 GMT -5
I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming from Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!) Maybe I am not as easily offended so I don't understand why everyone else gets so offended over questions. I tend to be an open book and will answer most questions without getting upset. I have 2 friends that desperately wanted children and both had miscarriages. They kept it a secret from even their closest friends. Both were constantly badgered by family and coworkers about when they are going to have kids etc. One finally just blurted out that she had a horrible miscarriage and would try again when the doctor gave the okay. It shut everyone up really quickly. The other had a super hard time. She said she felt like the wind was knocked out of her every time and actually had to see a therapist. Pretty extreme... but it happens. I have a couple of friends who always wanted kids and couldn't it is a sensitive subject. My DHs aunt/uncle are in that situation. She still gets sad and they are near 60. You never really know what people are going through... especially if you aren't amazingly close. I think the problem is that people just tend to think this shit is their business. If someone I am close to wants to discuss it, fine. No problem. but I have had people at work go in to long speeches about why I should procreate... 2 individuals that I didn't even actually know their names, I just saw them in passing. I have been called selfish by people I barely even know. I am not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed by idiots. I have told many a person that the only people who get to have an opinion about my uterus are me and my DH. Mostly it was people we barely knew shoving their opinions at us. and a handful of DH's friends who acting like they were the pioneers of procreation. DH's friends have shut up, as their children are now growing into toddler-hood and starting school, apparently the fuzzy wonderfulness has worn off and the "you don't know what you are missing" has turned into "you guys are lucky, you can see a movie whenever you want!" we just smile. My friends/family have never made a peep. I did say I would only ask personal questions of close friends...friends that I would know if they had a miscarriage or fertility problems. Just like my closest friends know everything about me.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 12:32:25 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
Same here. I had zero desire for kids until about age 31. Even then I waited a couple years in case it was a passing whim. I am 34 and have never felt any inkling of desire. Nothing maternal has even kicked in for a moment. The entire thought of being preggo and giving birth flat out grosses me out. I love my niece and nephew and I will fawn over my friend's babies and be a great auntie. I love being an auntie. But nothing about motherhood appeals to me. I can't imagine that changing... if it does, it would probably be a result of something life altering... or a concussion. lol
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 14, 2014 12:33:20 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
That is all I was saying. If my 15 year old told me she didn't want kids I wouldn't take her seriously. I will never push her to have kids but I know what I wanted at 15 is completely different than 25 or 35 And not everyone changes their minds. In fact, they probably get more resolute about it. I'm really glad when I told my mom at 13 that I didn't want to have kids, she DID take me seriously. She told me that I could do whatever I wanted and if I did not want to have children, this was under my control. Very wise words, she also told me that not everyone thinks like this and it was not fair of me to consider marrying someone who did want children if I did not want them, so keep that in mind.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 12:34:13 GMT -5
I have 2 friends that desperately wanted children and both had miscarriages. They kept it a secret from even their closest friends. Both were constantly badgered by family and coworkers about when they are going to have kids etc. One finally just blurted out that she had a horrible miscarriage and would try again when the doctor gave the okay. It shut everyone up really quickly. The other had a super hard time. She said she felt like the wind was knocked out of her every time and actually had to see a therapist. Pretty extreme... but it happens. I have a couple of friends who always wanted kids and couldn't it is a sensitive subject. My DHs aunt/uncle are in that situation. She still gets sad and they are near 60. You never really know what people are going through... especially if you aren't amazingly close. I think the problem is that people just tend to think this shit is their business. If someone I am close to wants to discuss it, fine. No problem. but I have had people at work go in to long speeches about why I should procreate... 2 individuals that I didn't even actually know their names, I just saw them in passing. I have been called selfish by people I barely even know. I am not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed by idiots. I have told many a person that the only people who get to have an opinion about my uterus are me and my DH. Mostly it was people we barely knew shoving their opinions at us. and a handful of DH's friends who acting like they were the pioneers of procreation. DH's friends have shut up, as their children are now growing into toddler-hood and starting school, apparently the fuzzy wonderfulness has worn off and the "you don't know what you are missing" has turned into "you guys are lucky, you can see a movie whenever you want!" we just smile. My friends/family have never made a peep. I did say I would only ask personal questions of close friends...friends that I would know if they had a miscarriage or fertility problems. Just like my closest friends know everything about me. that is the way it should be! My guess is that those that are annoying by the questions... it is because they aren't coming from people who qualify as close friends (or even friends at all in some cases!)
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 14, 2014 12:35:46 GMT -5
I am not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed by idiots. x100000
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Jul 14, 2014 12:36:32 GMT -5
I was pretty sure in my 20's I did not want children. I changed my mind.
Same here. I had zero desire for kids until about age 31. Even then I waited a couple years in case it was a passing whim. We got married at 21 and didn't have kids until 33. Same exact feelings. And glad we waited? YOU BET! We are "grown up" and didn't have to grow up while raising kids. We have been financially stable for most, if not all of our kid's lives.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 14, 2014 12:39:04 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life.
Here is an example of how empty people's questions are:
I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same.
People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention??
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 14, 2014 12:41:42 GMT -5
While it's another thread altogether, I get the same questions asking "Why aren't you married? "You are attractive, you have a good job, own your own home, are self supporting and you are sooo sweet (hehe)! Why in the world don't you find someone to spend your life with? You aren't getting any younger, you know!" Try being polite and answering with the truth, which is I'm just not ready to try it again, and you might as well save your breath. "None of us were READY! Sometimes you just have to have faith and jump right in." Yeah....right. That worked out so well the first time. Damn...that is so rude! Seriously, I can't imagine saying that to anyone. LOL!! Isn't it, tho? Still, I don't think it's malicious. It's mostly family who just wants me to be "happy". I guess one cannot possibly be happy without a man in their life! They are very strange sometimes.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 14, 2014 12:42:29 GMT -5
I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different
That would be the perfect opportunity to say "I'm not sure, I haven't been scheduled for my appearance on Murray yet".
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 12:49:31 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life. Here is an example of how empty people's questions are: I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same. People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention?? with the people who are asking, it never ends at the answer... it is more questions, lectures/badgering/judgements. and a surprising amount of it happens at work (unless that is just me?) where I can't just say "not your effing business, thanks!" well, i guess I could... but i do try and be a bit more professional. It isn't offensive (to me), but it is annoying as fuck. and as others have stated and I know others who are effected this way- it digs at them because of personal experiences and traumas.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 14, 2014 12:50:21 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life. Here is an example of how empty people's questions are: I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same. People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention?? I have a coworker who has 3. Two look just like her and one like her hubby, they are of different ethnicities. She just points to the youngest and says 'I stole that one'
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jul 14, 2014 12:56:40 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life. Here is an example of how empty people's questions are: I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same. People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention?? I have a coworker who has 3. Two look just like her and one like her hubby, they are of different ethnicities. She just points to the youngest and says 'I stole that one' If you want children desperately and can't have them or you had a child and lost that child, then every time one of those questions is asked it brings up something that is painful. And I suspect for some people who simply don't want kids being asked makes them feel like perhaps they aren't normal. For others it's just annoying. For me, I don't think that personal and invasive questions should be asked of anyone that you don't know very well. If someone asks me if I have kids and I say no, that should be the end of the topic. I shouldn't have to explain the half dozen reasons why I don't have them. Anymore than someone who has one kid shouldn't have to explain why they don't have more.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 14, 2014 13:00:09 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life. Here is an example of how empty people's questions are: I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same. People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention?? with the people who are asking, it never ends at the answer... it is more questions, lectures/badgering/judgements. and a surprising amount of it happens at work (unless that is just me?) where I can't just say "not your effing business, thanks!" well, i guess I could... but i do try and be a bit more professional. It isn't offensive (to me), but it is annoying as fuck. and as others have stated and I know others who are effected this way- it digs at them because of personal experiences and traumas. I used to get annoyed at all kinds of questions. This is just "one" of them. 99.99999999% of the people who meet me ask me where I am from bc of my accent. But it never stops there. Then I'd get: Where is my family. did i come here to get married. do i ever go back. do I have family "back there". am I ever going to move back. why did i come here. is my husband american or from there. have i taken my children back bc I should/should not (depending on who you ask). how long was I here before I got married. and i can go on and on on. I don't get annoyed anymore. I just don't care enough to get annoyed
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 14, 2014 13:05:32 GMT -5
I have a coworker who has 3. Two look just like her and one like her hubby, they are of different ethnicities. She just points to the youngest and says 'I stole that one' If you want children desperately and can't have them or you had a child and lost that child, then every time one of those questions is asked it brings up something that is painful. And I suspect for some people who simply don't want kids being asked makes them feel like perhaps they aren't normal. For others it's just annoying. For me, I don't think that personal and invasive questions should be asked of anyone that you don't know very well. If someone asks me if I have kids and I say no, that should be the end of the topic. I shouldn't have to explain the half dozen reasons why I don't have them. Anymore than someone who has one kid shouldn't have to explain why they don't have more. I don't think a lot of things should be done by people. But since I can't do anything about it, I try to alter my feelings and reactions to cause me the minimum about of pain/worry/annoyance, etc I am way too selfish to allow other people to have that much power over me
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 14, 2014 13:15:55 GMT -5
I tend to get annoyed by the constant questions from my mom, because she really does ignore me and likes to tell me how to live my life. Most other people are just trying to make a conversation. They are probably only mildly interested in the answer. Kind of like someone saying, "how are you?" and keep walking past you. They don't really care about the answer.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 14, 2014 13:27:35 GMT -5
You can't fathom YOU abusing a child. I'm sure you understand the idea of child abuse though. I also think that if you think about it, you could identify some of the (obviously horrific and misguided) thoughts and emotions that lead to it - rage, frustration, being out of control and wanting to regain control, wanting to cause someone else pain. That's the level of "fathoming" I'm talking about - understanding why someone else may make choices that are different than yours, whether or not you agree with those choices or the reasoning behind them. If you can't understand those at a level that allows you to identify that in someone else's life (rather than your own), then yes, I think you would be stupid or lacking imagination. I also don't think that's the case here. I think in this case, you can't imagine YOU making that choice, so you pronounce it "unfathomable." For the record, I am against child abuse, pedophila, and any other horror you would like to throw up here. But that doesn't mean that I am unable to think about why someone else may do these things in an effort to understand why thes Nope. Sorry. I can't imagine that level of rage against a child. And when I said "I" can't fathom it, that's exactly what I meant - that "I" can't fathom it. I didn't say you can't fathom it or Uncle Harry can't fathom it. I said "I". And that's what Shooby said. At least that I remember accordingly. I can't fathom molesting a child and it doesn't matter how many times you say (like you said about abusing a child) "Oh yes you could...if you really THINK about it." - it's unfathomable. And that's all Shooby was saying. Questioning someone's intellect because they don't agree with you, while it may be the soup dejour around here, is getting tiresome. Let's be fair - I said intellect or imagination. You can pick which one you think you lack.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 14, 2014 13:28:55 GMT -5
with the people who are asking, it never ends at the answer... it is more questions, lectures/badgering/judgements. and a surprising amount of it happens at work (unless that is just me?) where I can't just say "not your effing business, thanks!" well, i guess I could... but i do try and be a bit more professional. It isn't offensive (to me), but it is annoying as fuck. and as others have stated and I know others who are effected this way- it digs at them because of personal experiences and traumas. I used to get annoyed at all kinds of questions. This is just "one" of them. 99.99999999% of the people who meet me ask me where I am from bc of my accent. But it never stops there. Then I'd get: Where is my family. did i come here to get married. do i ever go back. do I have family "back there". am I ever going to move back. why did i come here. is my husband american or from there. have i taken my children back bc I should/should not (depending on who you ask). how long was I here before I got married. and i can go on and on on. I don't get annoyed anymore. I just don't care enough to get annoyed like i said... i am not easily offended but I am easily annoyed by idiots. It isn't so much about caring... I couldn't care less what their opinions are. I'm greatly annoyed that I am stuck in an situation where I have to listen to their unsolicited opinions. If you have the ability to turn that off, I am insanely jealous! i wish i weren't annoyed by stupid people.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 14, 2014 13:32:03 GMT -5
Nope. Sorry. I can't imagine that level of rage against a child. And when I said "I" can't fathom it, that's exactly what I meant - that "I" can't fathom it. I didn't say you can't fathom it or Uncle Harry can't fathom it. I said "I". And that's what Shooby said. At least that I remember accordingly. I can't fathom molesting a child and it doesn't matter how many times you say (like you said about abusing a child) "Oh yes you could...if you really THINK about it." - it's unfathomable. And that's all Shooby was saying. Questioning someone's intellect because they don't agree with you, while it may be the soup dejour around here, is getting tiresome. Let's be fair - I said intellect or imagination. You can pick which one you think you lack. So now I'm stupid and/or unimaginative because I don't agree with you? You didn't prove my point at all.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 14, 2014 13:36:30 GMT -5
I used to get annoyed at all kinds of questions. This is just "one" of them. 99.99999999% of the people who meet me ask me where I am from bc of my accent. But it never stops there. Then I'd get: Where is my family. did i come here to get married. do i ever go back. do I have family "back there". am I ever going to move back. why did i come here. is my husband american or from there. have i taken my children back bc I should/should not (depending on who you ask). how long was I here before I got married. and i can go on and on on. I don't get annoyed anymore. I just don't care enough to get annoyed like i said... i am not easily offended but I am easily annoyed by idiots. It isn't so much about caring... I couldn't care less what their opinions are. I'm greatly annoyed that I am stuck in an situation where I have to listen to their unsolicited opinions. If you have the ability to turn that off, I am insanely jealous! i wish i weren't annoyed by stupid people. That's bc you are much nicer than I am. I don't usually get stuck, I tell them that if they want to know my life story, they'll have to wait for my book or something similar to that. and I say that to many various stupid questions I get asked. ETA: oh and if someone actually asks me when is my book coming out, I tell them it's not, but if I ever wanted people to know everything about me, I would write one.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 13:37:51 GMT -5
Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!)
Again - context. This is a message board and I presume rae wouldn't have shared so much of her story if she wasn't open to talking about it. It makes sense to ask questions of people on a message board about things they've chosen to share.
Quizzing random strangers about their reproductive plans and/or judging their answers if they don't please you = / = asking questions out of genuine interest in a person's life with the goal of getting to know them better.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 13:42:21 GMT -5
What I can't imagine is why people care what they are being asked by other people. why get offended? Even if the question is rude and inappropriate - who cares? Even if you've been asked the same question a tragillion times - who cares? Answer it, don't answer it - and move on with your happy life. Here is an example of how empty people's questions are: I was asked by a stranger if my kids all have different fathers bc they all look so different. I was asked by a stranger about a week later if my kids are triplets bc they look exactly the same. People say so much crap - who has the time or energy to pay attention?? Yeah, strangers say stupid shit but that doesn't mean if someone pokes you in a sore spot you're not going to be hurt. Honestly, it does hurt when people ask me "when" I'm having another kid - it reinforces the idea (which is already strong in my mind) that I'm doing something "wrong" if I don't have one. Yeah, that's my issue but it still sucks when other people reinforce it. That's part of the reason I have it in the first place!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 14, 2014 13:54:23 GMT -5
with the people who are asking, it never ends at the answer... it is more questions, lectures/badgering/judgements. and a surprising amount of it happens at work (unless that is just me?) where I can't just say "not your effing business, thanks!" well, i guess I could... but i do try and be a bit more professional. It isn't offensive (to me), but it is annoying as fuck. and as others have stated and I know others who are effected this way- it digs at them because of personal experiences and traumas. I used to get annoyed at all kinds of questions. This is just "one" of them. 99.99999999% of the people who meet me ask me where I am from bc of my accent. But it never stops there. Then I'd get: Where is my family. did i come here to get married. do i ever go back. do I have family "back there". am I ever going to move back. why did i come here. is my husband american or from there. have i taken my children back bc I should/should not (depending on who you ask). how long was I here before I got married. and i can go on and on on. I don't get annoyed anymore. I just don't care enough to get annoyed I am offensive. I can pretty much guarantee I've asked most of those questions. It's because I live a boring life and that is so much cooler! Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 13:54:39 GMT -5
And in any event - knowing that it's hurtful to SOME people to be asked about how soon they plan to reproduce, maybe it's a good idea to not use that question as one's regular icebreaker There are so many "getting to know you" questions that are less dicey. Personally, I often ask "do you live around here?" followed by "do you have family around here?" when getting to know people because they generally answer by telling me about their spouse and/or kids if they have them, and extended family if they don't. It's an easier and less invasive way to find out about their family than "are you married and do you have children?"
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 14, 2014 13:58:25 GMT -5
Heck, even in here I ask very intrusive questions because I am interested in a persons perspective. I have asked Rae some very personal questions over the years because she is the only person I know with her and her husbands history. I hope I have always asked in respectful ways and she certainly has always answered me in respectful ways. She is the person I reached out to when a friends daughter started her identity crisis. I wouldn't know who else to turn to for help for my friend. If not for knowing Rae's history i would have felt even more useless to my friend (who ironically is also named Rae!)
Again - context. This is a message board and I presume rae wouldn't have shared so much of her story if she wasn't open to talking about it. It makes sense to ask questions of people on a message board about things they've chosen to share. Quizzing random strangers about their reproductive plans and/or judging their answers if they don't please you = / = asking questions out of genuine interest in a person's life with the goal of getting to know them better. Well we've established I'm offensive already, but the question was asked here and answered. And anyone who replied in any kind of affirmative is being lumped in with jackasses. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 14, 2014 14:08:51 GMT -5
I guess I honestly don't understand what is so offensive about asking questions. Witt good friends (people I am comfortable answering any and all questions to and just as comfortable asking anything) I am honestly interested in where they are coming fromThe worst time, I got trapped by the chair's wife....a woman that I *maybe* see 1-2x/year. It was at a departmental Christmas party and it wasn't just one question. It was a whole series of very intrusive questions that were none of her business. The worst part of it was that I was told that I was 'selfish' because I wasn't having children and had no intention of having them. The line of questioning went like this....as I remember, this was about 15 years ago. Her: So do you have kids? Me: No. Her: Why not? Me: I don't want kids, never wanted them since I was 13. Her: All women want kids. Me: Nope, never did. Her: You'll change your mind if you meet someone that wants children. Me: Nope, wanting children is a dealbreaker for me, just like illegal drug use is. Her: You'll never meet someone who does not want children, and besides who is going to take care of you when you get old? Me: I'll take care of myself, or I'll pay someone to help me. Her: Well, I think that that's incredibly selfish, every woman wants children.Me: OK. (thinking not going to win this one and as she's my boss's boss wife, I'm not about to commit career suicide) I excused myself to go to the bathroom, breathing a HUGE sigh of relief when she didn't decide that she needed to (at this point, I won Child Free Bingo) I didn't know you had a conversation with my MIL! I've mentioned it before here that that is her exact attitude and one of the MANY reasons I have no relationship with her. So sorry Mich. My manager and her husband are child-free by choice as are my sister and BIL and a good friend and her husband. I applaud them and support them all. Even though I have children I DETEST the attitude that those who bear children (or are parents) are superior. Now to catch up on the rest of this thread.
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Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 14, 2014 14:14:05 GMT -5
You can't fathom YOU abusing a child. I'm sure you understand the idea of child abuse though. I also think that if you think about it, you could identify some of the (obviously horrific and misguided) thoughts and emotions that lead to it - rage, frustration, being out of control and wanting to regain control, wanting to cause someone else pain. That's the level of "fathoming" I'm talking about - understanding why someone else may make choices that are different than yours, whether or not you agree with those choices or the reasoning behind them. If you can't understand those at a level that allows you to identify that in someone else's life (rather than your own), then yes, I think you would be stupid or lacking imagination. I also don't think that's the case here. I think in this case, you can't imagine YOU making that choice, so you pronounce it "unfathomable." For the record, I am against child abuse, pedophila, and any other horror you would like to throw up here. But that doesn't mean that I am unable to think about why someone else may do these things in an effort to understand why these things happen. There are lots of things I can't understand...murdering your child, mutilating someone, etc....I would be more worried about the person who actually understands why someone would make that choice... I guess you worry about a lot of your favorite authors then Back to finish reading now......
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Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
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Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 14, 2014 14:17:07 GMT -5
And in any event - knowing that it's hurtful to SOME people to be asked about how soon they plan to reproduce, maybe it's a good idea to not use that question as one's regular icebreaker There are so many "getting to know you" questions that are less dicey. Personally, I often ask "do you live around here?" followed by "do you have family around here?" when getting to know people because they generally answer by telling me about their spouse and/or kids if they have them, and extended family if they don't. It's an easier and less invasive way to find out about their family than "are you married and do you have children?" I think what we have here is a bit of a generational lag in societal expectations and norms. Well, its not completely generational, but that's the best term I could think of. I'm a bit older than the other moms of small kids here, so I've been around since those were the standard questions to ask at say, a wedding or whatnot. They were expected, although not always welcome. While most such questions don't bother me in the least, I'm a very private person and tend to avoid asking any personal questions. I probably take that too far and seem like I don't care. There really is no winning though. You can't please everyone. Take for instance, hyphenating my last name. Lots of people with opinions--lots of old-school expectations from people, but in the end, its my name and no one else's. So I really don't care what they think. Should have hyphenated the kids' last names too to really piss them off. (I wouldn't though--it would be a pita for them.)
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 14, 2014 14:27:47 GMT -5
I have been described as "standoffish", and that's probably why. But I guess I'd rather be thought of as aloof than hurt someone's feelings. My boss doesn't have kids. He treats me like a daughter, and I often wanted to ask whether he'd ever wanted any (especially when DH and I were considering trying to have a child). We've had a lot of heart-to-heart conversations and it was on the tip of my tongue so many times... Well, we went out for lunch once when I was pregnant, and I was talking about how much I missed drinking beer in the summer. He then told me that he'd quit drinking for about a year when he and his wife were TTC, but it didn't work out. I was heartbroken for him, and SO SO GLAD I'd never followed through on my desire to ask him whether he wanted kids. I'm guessing that took place more than 10 years ago, but I could tell he was still sad about it.
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