nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 28, 2014 8:38:31 GMT -5
Morning, so I want to get all the advice I can and keep it here. Obviously I have a lawyer but don't want to miss anything.
So give me all you got peeps.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 8:42:43 GMT -5
Don't let emotion overrule common sense. Remain calm.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 28, 2014 8:53:25 GMT -5
Remember that the first one is always the toughest. They will get easier.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 28, 2014 8:55:14 GMT -5
I will never get married again, but that is good advice.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 8:58:54 GMT -5
You don't know that. And, I think it is unwise to make pronouncements about "never".
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 28, 2014 9:06:30 GMT -5
Hope that your attorney is better than his attorney.. In most cases that is what it boils down too.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 28, 2014 9:08:57 GMT -5
I don't have anything to contribute, since I already wrote it down before in another thread that you had started, but I wish you the best.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 28, 2014 9:45:28 GMT -5
Morning, so I want to get all the advice I can and keep it here. Obviously I have a lawyer but don't want to miss anything. So give me all you got peeps. From what I have heard from my friends using this thread to vent and spew our all the anger and hurt instead of to your lawyer is a really good idea. Lawyers are only good for the legal aspect and any time you spend on the phone or in their office doing that is just going to cost you extra money while gaining you nothing. I would also write everything down in a notebook before you visit them or call. Then I bring the notebook and try and write the answers in it. I know when I don't do that i forget something and then have to go back. It also allows me to read what they said after in case I forget. Just a thought. Sending you good wishes!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:52:35 GMT -5
I thought that it was going to be an easy settlement and there wasn't anything to fight about?
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Jun 28, 2014 9:53:45 GMT -5
Morning, so I want to get all the advice I can and keep it here. Obviously I have a lawyer but don't want to miss anything. So give me all you got peeps. Aren't you supposed to just sit pretty there since you are paying someone to do it right FOR you? Relax, take a flask with bourbon and sip. When its all done you will be happyyyyyyyyyyy like this but try not like this ... Have FUN!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 28, 2014 10:07:21 GMT -5
Nothing to acrimonious about it right now, just want to make sure I don't miss something.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:47:43 GMT -5
Before seeing the attorney, write down all of your questions. Then write down the answers. If questions come up later, don't get on the phone. Write it down for the next meeting.
Don't use your attorney as a counselor. The cost is too high and they aren't counselors. If you need to vent, call a good friend. Or get a counselor
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 11:23:32 GMT -5
He can earn and re-build assets. You can't. You want to make sure the lawyer is on the same page and not doing 50/50 split. Make sure the lawyer is aware of whatever your impairment is that has kept you from working.
401K's - Get a QDRO. Don't trade it for some other asset.
Write the agreement to enforce sale of the home and ensure the money goes directly from closing to you. Do not let the money float through ex. Also include a penalty if the home is not sold in 9 months, 12 months, 15 months etc. You need to make it a reasonable amount of time but protect yourself in case he doesn't work to sell it. There needs to be a deadline on him cashing you out of the house.
You said you will get alimony. Base it on his normal salary, but include % of his bonuses also. Set up the penalties for non payment of alimony in the original agreement. Make sure it covers him paying lawyer and court fees when you have to pursue non payment. You also have to plan for involuntary unemployment on his part. Discuss with lawyer what the court would accept.
Should be simple since there are limited assets and kids are grown.
Disclose the DV incident to your lawyer, it will come up. Be totally honest and don't gloss over things or try to make yourself look good. The lawyer needs to know everything.
Above all else get a lawyer with a good brain who is very experienced. DO NOT use the same attorney as your husband.
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cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 28, 2014 12:26:57 GMT -5
Put a day of month on spousal support with a late penalty. My niece gets hers when her ex is good and ready often after her mortgage payment would be late if she didn't borrow money from her parents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 21:32:24 GMT -5
Try to negotiate a settlement with your Ex (with the help of mediators or attorneys). You won't get everything you want- that nevers happens- but at least you have some control over what you get and what you trade off. In my case (NJ, 1997) we took that to the court, the judge approved it and we got a decree. Much better than battling out every aspect of it in court.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 29, 2014 12:15:05 GMT -5
...:::"I would also write everything down in a notebook before you visit them or call. Then I bring the notebook and try and write the answers in it. I know when I don't do that i forget something and then have to go back. It also allows me to read what they said after in case I forget. Just a thought.":::...
I've heard this one is spot on. Don't just call with "one question". Consolidate them. Make the time count.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Jun 30, 2014 12:18:45 GMT -5
So? what have we?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 30, 2014 12:20:58 GMT -5
He can earn and re-build assets. You can't. You want to make sure the lawyer is on the same page and not doing 50/50 split. Make sure the lawyer is aware of whatever your impairment is that has kept you from working. 401K's - Get a QDRO. Don't trade it for some other asset. Write the agreement to enforce sale of the home and ensure the money goes directly from closing to you. Do not let the money float through ex. Also include a penalty if the home is not sold in 9 months, 12 months, 15 months etc. You need to make it a reasonable amount of time but protect yourself in case he doesn't work to sell it. There needs to be a deadline on him cashing you out of the house. You said you will get alimony. Base it on his normal salary, but include % of his bonuses also. Set up the penalties for non payment of alimony in the original agreement. Make sure it covers him paying lawyer and court fees when you have to pursue non payment. You also have to plan for involuntary unemployment on his part. Discuss with lawyer what the court would accept. Should be simple since there are limited assets and kids are grown. Disclose the DV incident to your lawyer, it will come up. Be totally honest and don't gloss over things or try to make yourself look good. The lawyer needs to know everything. Above all else get a lawyer with a good brain who is very experienced. DO NOT use the same attorney as your husband. Why can't she earn and re-build?
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 30, 2014 13:08:50 GMT -5
I can earn and build, but will never ever come close to him. He has conquered his career, I am now going to start mine 23 years later. It is what it is, but it is MY reality.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 30, 2014 13:09:45 GMT -5
I really don't want crap about what I shoulda coulda done here, I just want info.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Jun 30, 2014 13:25:01 GMT -5
I really don't want crap about what I shoulda coulda done here, I just want info. So do I...what happened? Anything? Is he going to pay? Is it going to be enough to support you and a pool boy or gardener...all this stuff...
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 30, 2014 13:25:35 GMT -5
From what I have heard from my friends using this thread to vent and spew our all the anger and hurt instead of to your lawyer is a really good idea. Lawyers are only good for the legal aspect and any time you spend on the phone or in their office doing that is just going to cost you extra money while gaining you nothing.
I would also write everything down in a notebook before you visit them or call. Then I bring the notebook and try and write the answers in it. I know when I don't do that i forget something and then have to go back. It also allows me to read what they said after in case I forget. Just a thought.
It's my understanding that most lawyers (correct me if I'm wrong) round up to the nearest quarter hour when billing. So your 5 minute phone call/question costs just as much as your 14 minute phone call/question. Have a list and go down it when you do have to ask questions. Write down everything. What your lawyer says, what your ex says, what the kids claim your ex is saying, etc.
Keep copious notes- dates, times, places, people, etc. You never know when you may have to refer back to something someone said or promised or offered, etc. Having the documentation lends credence to your claim.
Remind yourself daily- the person you are divorcing is NOT the person you married. When/if he gets angry, bitter, etc. remind yourself that you have kids together and a grandchild. You have a shared history but it's up to you to navigate your future from this point forward. Don't get wrapped up in the memories of who he used to be and assume that who is was 20 years ago is the rational, calm person you are divorcing. In many cases you are divorcing the worst of him and expect that to surface at some point. ( it may not but be prepared in case it does)
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 30, 2014 13:28:06 GMT -5
I have no intention of using my lawyer as a sounding board, hasn't even crossed my mind. Maybe because I am so private, there are a handful of people that I can vent too and I do.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 30, 2014 14:07:54 GMT -5
My folks divorced after thirty years of her being a stuck in the mud stay at home ... person. I made sure that my father carried a life insurance policy with my mom as the beneficiary so that we wouldn't be stuck with her if he croaked. She did end up dying first.
(btw, she became a very interesting, wonderful human being once she pulled it out.)
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 30, 2014 14:38:40 GMT -5
When I did mine it was rounded up to tenths of hours. But yeah, it is worth asking how they handle it.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 30, 2014 14:40:27 GMT -5
Keep things cordial, but don’t think for one second that you are friends or even capable of looking out for each other’s’ best interest. Leave that to your lawyers.
It can be difficult to check your emotions at the door, but divorce is business and any animosity will only hinder negotiations.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 23:14:49 GMT -5
He can earn and re-build assets. You can't. Why can't she earn and re-build? She is starting her career in her late? 40s. He's hitting his peak. She also said on another thread that she had a medical issue that prevented her from working, at least in the past, not sure about now. He will probably out earn her 10X. In her situation it is common to have a financial planner plot out how their income and savings would look over the next 20 years. HIS Phil Script: $1,781,628.59 in 20 years HER Phil Script: $142,530.29 in 20 years
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Jul 1, 2014 12:10:42 GMT -5
What does it mean 'thread HOT'? like this one...
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stimpy
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Post by stimpy on Jul 2, 2014 1:25:49 GMT -5
Remember your creditors were not a party to your divorce agreement. So an agreement for the ex to pay certain credit cards is not binding on them. The credit card companies can still go after you.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 3, 2014 9:41:48 GMT -5
25% support (Salary and bonus) 23 years or until gross aggregate household income exceeds $50,000
I keep house and agree to give 50% of profit at time of sale
Retirement
So far this what he proposed. I guess he means not to exceed 50000.
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