happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 7, 2014 11:55:33 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters: 1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces. 2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating. There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression. I don't know if I would call them 'evil.' More of a combination of cluelessness and narcisism. I worked with two people who had an affair. Both were married, his wife was pregnant with their first baby. Both had a serious lack of empathy that was evident both in their private lives and at work, and believed that things needed to always be the way they wanted them to be, because other people needs weren't important. When they got caught and both their spouses moved out, both of them seemed surprised that they were discovered, and equally surprised that their spouses were angry. Same with my brother in law, he didn't see to understand why my sister was furious that he cheated on her, and even told her he thought, if she met his girlfriend, that they would probably be 'best friends.' - Clueless. When the therapist asked my BIL if he would be upset if he found out my sister was cheating on him, he replied that of course he would be furious and would leave her. Somehow in his mind, cheating on her was ok, but her cheating on him would be unforgivable. Clueless. And narcissistic.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 11:59:49 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters: 1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces. 2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating.There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression. I'm not quite sure I get #2. To start physically cheating takes a decision, and action. I guess I just feel like life happens. Things get really busy at work, people have kids, a parent gets sick, one gets deployed overseas... if things get busy and one feels neglected, does that mean that they just go straight to cheating as a matter of course? DH and I do not naturally click in most ways. We are extremely different in our interests and hobbies, and have to sort out a middle ground. I wear earplugs and read while he watches TV shows; we cuddle while doing that, and chat when things come up in either, since the earplugs just muffle the TV sounds to me, but I can still hear stuff. Things like that. We meet in the middle. He's also overseas for months at a time right now, working hard for our unit. I really enjoy sex, and he gets very lonely overseas. It's tough, even with how much we Skype. By the above logic, it seems like he or I should've started cheating long ago. A client did straight up tell DH to take people from a third company to the red light district in Antwerp, and he'd pay for hookers for everyone. DH comes from a very rough family background he swore to not imitate though (drugs, cheating, multiple bankruptcies, multiple divorces and remarriages), and was kind of skeeved out by the topic even being brought up. We really care about each other and don't want to hurt each other. The path of least hurt in our minds is to talk and work to shift a situation if it's causing too much trouble. Not for one or both to start cheating and hope the other doesn't find out. If this international gig gets too stressful for one or both of us, we'll talk and change it. Just like we talk and adjust when all sorts of situations crop up. People do get busy, life gets stressful, and things can fall by the wayside unless talking happens. If people jump straight to cheating without clearly laying it on the table... *shrugs* I feel that it's like school rules for a physical fight. The person who throws the first punch is the one who started it. The one who decides to cheat instead of laying stuff on the line verbally should probably stop and think carefully about all the many other situations that can happen in life that could them feel neglected, and if that was a healthy way to handle things. Because life does just roar along at crazy speeds sometimes. To the OP, I'm glad you guys are in counseling Relationships can be tough, and they do always evolve in my experience, one way or another, because that's what life entails. Good luck, I wish you the best.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 12:44:50 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters: 1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces. 2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating.There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression. I'm not quite sure I get #2. To start physically cheating takes a decision, and action. I guess I just feel like life happens. Things get really busy at work, people have kids, a parent gets sick, one gets deployed overseas... if things get busy and one feels neglected, does that mean that they just go straight to cheating as a matter of course? DH and I do not naturally click in most ways. We are extremely different in our interests and hobbies, and have to sort out a middle ground. I wear earplugs and read while he watches TV shows; we cuddle while doing that, and chat when things come up in either, since the earplugs just muffle the TV sounds to me, but I can still hear stuff. Things like that. We meet in the middle. He's also overseas for months at a time right now, working hard for our unit. I really enjoy sex, and he gets very lonely overseas. It's tough, even with how much we Skype. By the above logic, it seems like he or I should've started cheating long ago. A client did straight up tell DH to take people from a third company to the red light district in Antwerp, and he'd pay for hookers for everyone. DH comes from a very rough family background he swore to not imitate though (drugs, cheating, multiple bankruptcies, multiple divorces and remarriages), and was kind of skeeved out by the topic even being brought up. We really care about each other and don't want to hurt each other. The path of least hurt in our minds is to talk and work to shift a situation if it's causing too much trouble. Not for one or both to start cheating and hope the other doesn't find out. If this international gig gets too stressful for one or both of us, we'll talk and change it. Just like we talk and adjust when all sorts of situations crop up. People do get busy, life gets stressful, and things can fall by the wayside unless talking happens. If people jump straight to cheating without clearly laying it on the table... *shrugs* I feel that it's like school rules for a physical fight. The person who throws the first punch is the one who started it. The one who decides to cheat instead of laying stuff on the line verbally should probably stop and think carefully about all the many other situations that can happen in life that could them feel neglected, and if that was a healthy way to handle things. Because life does just roar along at crazy speeds sometimes. To the OP, I'm glad you guys are in counseling Relationships can be tough, and they do always evolve in my experience, one way or another, because that's what life entails. Good luck, I wish you the best. I said of the people who do cheat, those were the main reasons. I didn't say any of them were right by common standards.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 12:49:59 GMT -5
Relationships are two way commitments. When someone withdraws for whatever reason, they are breaking a commitment too. I'm not saying the other person should immediately bail, but lets at least accept the idea that there can be culpability on both sides.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 12:58:08 GMT -5
I think I would agree with @mmc from what I've seen on deployments. There are a few people that it seems view it as a chance to get away from the family and "party" or cut loose or whatever you want to call it. "Players" I guess...and not just men either. Which would fit into the first category.
I think the second one just comes about from the long periods of loneliness. Like you said about having Skype - and a lot of other ways to communicate too - it still doesn't replace that personal contact which is important to a relationship. I don't mean just sex either, although that is part of it, but sitting together and having conversations, eating together, and even things like a hug or a kiss goodnight.
I agree that cheating isn't the way to go about finding that, and think it's pretty unlikely you can really find much a "meaningful" relationship that way anyway. You just haven't shared the experiences with this other person to build up love.
Anyway, it's certainly the minority of people who do cheat even in a job which requires a lot of time spent away from home. And it seems like it's more - although not all - centered around the younger folks, at least in the military. The vast majority of people go and do their job, miss their families, and don't have any desire to jeopardize that with a fling in my opinion.
So far our experience with work away from home has been very different. I won't say too much, but it is definitely the norm in the circles DH is working in right now, regardless of professed devotion to respective religions and the fact that most of them have wives and kids. (The main company is very heavily male dominated, and current client is located in Saudi. No first hand data on women working away yet). At the company wide USA conferences there were large groups of folks drinking past midnight and heading to strip clubs afterwards, entire departments. The Anterwerp offer was definitely the one that took us back the most, to have employer comped hookers being offered. The expats from the third company took DH's client up on the offer and were pretty keen on the idea. DH "got separated" from them. It's weird that he's such an odd man out, but it makes it real easy for his company to trust him overseas with big projects, and his presentations are always the best 'cause he's not hung over at company conferences. Glad to hear that it isn't the norm in other circles though
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 13:06:34 GMT -5
Relationships are two way commitments. When someone withdraws for whatever reason, they are breaking a commitment too. I'm not saying the other person should immediately bail, but lets at least accept the idea that there can be culpability on both sides. I do agree that situations can devolve from both sides. Feeling neglected can happen in so many normal, healthy, or beneficial situations though, like having kids or work getting busy. It feels like an odd reason for cheating to me personally. Sort of like someone not noticing new clothes and other odds and ends over a long-ish period of time, so the other starts punching and biting the distracted one. A maybe not healthy way of handling things. Just my assessment though, and everyone is different.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 7, 2014 13:12:09 GMT -5
The OP can own his role in the marriage up to this point, but he shouldn't be owning her actions. She's the one that decided cheating was the solution. That's her responsibility and she needs to own her choices.
When you start deciding you control others actions that's when you become an enabler/co-dependent. That's not going to result in a functional marriage if they choose to stay together.
I own my role in the breakdown of trust in our marriage, I should have accounted better for my pain meds. But DH's choices are his solely his own. He is an adult capable of making his own decisions and he decided falling off the wagon was more appealing than the myriad of other options he could have chosen in that situation.
Same here. While the wife may have been feeling neglected it was her choice to cheat rather than pick another option. She's an adult, her husband cannot "make" her do anything.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 7, 2014 13:46:28 GMT -5
There are some strong, strong people on here. I am so happy you can joke while going trough things on your own
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 7, 2014 13:54:18 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters: 1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces. 2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating. There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression. Also there is a reason #3. People who like to have spicy sex life but having partners that can't deliver... Example: My aunt is married to her husband for 50 years and years after trying to show him that there is more than one missionary position she had gotten herself a lover. Everything except sex life is great for her. So she have gotten a crutch. Punishable? I don't know. DH still have NO idea. He did not want to listen when she had tried for years and he was completely prude and deaf! Go Auntie!!!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 7, 2014 14:26:20 GMT -5
Wait...how old was your aunt when she got married? I'm picturing some pretty lively bingo nights in the retirement home if she found a boyfriend after 50 years of marriage... She got married at 20. First child after first year. Don't think there were much time to sex-question her life. She found a lover (not boyfriend, get it straight!) - when I was old enough for her to talk to me about it, like 20. So she was 40. I had never said she found a lover after 50 years of marriage...
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 16:07:20 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters: 1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces. 2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating. There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression. Also there is a reason #3. People who like to have spicy sex life but having partners that can't deliver... Example: My aunt is married to her husband for 50 years and years after trying to show him that there is more than one missionary position she had gotten herself a lover. Everything except sex life is great for her. So she have gotten a crutch. Punishable? I don't know. DH still have NO idea. He did not want to listen when she had tried for years and he was completely prude and deaf! Go Auntie!!! Sounds like she falls under #1, Evil..
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 7, 2014 16:30:42 GMT -5
I'll admit I cheated, probably the biggest regret of my life.
I was young & miserable, both in my relationship & my life. I guess you could say I was neglected, but it was more than that. He had become mean & controlling. Maybe it was his way to try to fix things or maybe it was in response to all the stress he was under. At the time I felt I had made it clear that I was unhappy, although in retrospect I question if I went far enough. I know I begged him for couples counseling & he wouldn't do it. I had moved across country to go with him (he had just joined the military) & was in a town with no friends and no job. When I finally found a job I liked he wanted me to quit because he didn't like the hours. He wanted me to become a SAHW & bring him lunches to work & cook dinner, clean, etc. I remember a huge fight because I hung up his shirts facing the wrong direction. We had many conversations about my weight because he thought I should weight 100 lbs or less - I am 5'3" & around 115 at the time, not exactly a fatty & 100 lbs was a freaking ridiculous goal. He also would get mad if I stayed up later than him - I was supposed to come lay in bed to sleep when he went to sleep. He just wasn't the same guy that I had fallen in love with, he got weird & talked down to me a lot even in front of other people.
So when a guy came along that started telling me how beautiful I was & we connected emotionally, well I made some bad decisions. It only lasted for a month or two before I called it off. But, I do think once I decided to cheat I had effectively ended my relationship in my head. I wanted out & was being a coward about it. I quit the affair before I left my ex. My ex found out about it after I left him, so he never had to make the decision if he could forgive me or how to handle it.
I know I provided a lot of detail that might seemingly be blaming my ex for my actions, but that isn't what I am trying to do, just trying to describe the situation. It was my mistake & one I have vowed to never repeat. Although it may have been a temporary fix for how I was feeling, it was a huge mistake & didn't help anything.
In retrospect I wish I had made how I felt clearer before I left. Once I left I was done, but that is when my ex woke up & suddenly wanted to do counseling & fix things. Maybe if I had made it clearer earlier we could have worked it out.
Cheating is the fault of the cheater, but it may be in response to a lot of other factors & unhappiness. Find out why. Find out if she regrets it. Find out if she wants to fix the marriage. Figure out if you can eventually forgive her & move on from this. This is fixable IF both of you want to work for it.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 16:35:48 GMT -5
The bottom line is men love sex. It is very rare that women are the instigators of cheating. They are pursued by a man wanting sex and they succumb to the romance or fantasy the guy creates. As much as the media and "experts" try to tell us we should be evolved creatures and above these urges, it ignores biology.
Yes yes, couldn't that type of thinking be applied to rape too? I'm going to head off that argument because society attaches a penalty to that type of action that puts survival instinct above sexual instinct. That is enough to keep most men away from that one.
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milee
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Post by milee on May 7, 2014 16:36:17 GMT -5
Angel, that was really brave of you to come on and share that in this thread. Sorry you went through that and thanks for sharing another perspective, especially in what is a pretty tough crowd.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on May 7, 2014 17:02:45 GMT -5
Angel, I love you for telling your story, it puts a person to a very sad situation.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on May 7, 2014 17:50:35 GMT -5
Yes that was very brave, Angel I find your remorse admirable, I hope you are enjoying life now.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 7, 2014 17:55:55 GMT -5
Awww, thanks guys It is ok if people want to flame me. It was 9 years ago now, so I have learned how to make peace with that mistake. I just thought I could bring a cheater's perspective to the conversation, maybe give abababa an idea of how his wife might feel (maybe, maybe she is going through something completely different). Especially since I have always heard men & women cheat for different reasons, so it might help to have a woman's perspective. I did mean it when I said it was my biggest regret though. For a very long time I just thought of myself as a truly awful person for the choices I made during that time. I hurt people I cared about & while I was extremely unhappy, that was no excuse for my actions.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 7, 2014 18:51:45 GMT -5
Angel, that was really brave of you to come on and share that in this thread. Sorry you went through that and thanks for sharing another perspective, especially in what is a pretty tough crowd. Yeah that.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on May 7, 2014 21:46:41 GMT -5
Awww, thanks guys It is ok if people want to flame me. It was 9 years ago now, so I have learned how to make peace with that mistake. I just thought I could bring a cheater's perspective to the conversation, maybe give abababa an idea of how his wife might feel (maybe, maybe she is going through something completely different). Especially since I have always heard men & women cheat for different reasons, so it might help to have a woman's perspective. I did mean it when I said it was my biggest regret though. For a very long time I just thought of myself as a truly awful person for the choices I made during that time. I hurt people I cared about & while I was extremely unhappy, that was no excuse for my actions. When I was reeling from the aftermath of XH's affair, I was talking to a man who used to work with me. He told me that he and his wife each had affairs, both were in graduate schools, living apart, in different countries, lonely, and they both gave in to someone else's attention. He said that the worst part about it was looking in the mirror each morning and acknowledging that he was the sort of person who would do that. With my XH, I think his girlfriend was the instigator. She was looking for a green card. He told me she was a VERY nice person, and she and I could be friends. Ha! Not bloody likely. What made him vulnerable to her attention was getting older and having an attractive, much younger woman pursue him. I think he felt it enhanced his stature with his peers that he could have such a young woman on his arm. (Seriously, young enough to be his daughter.)
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abababa
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Post by abababa on May 8, 2014 8:30:34 GMT -5
OP back. Things have kind of turned a 180 the last couple of days. I think reality is finally hitting my wife. She suddenly wants to work things out and change a lot of her behaviors. Maybe the future we had sounds a lot better than what she's been doing. The guy pretty much admitted he saw no future between them.
Now I'm finding myself starting to pull away. I'm realizing this is much deeper than this affair. She has always had unhealthy relationships and interactions with men. She's a big flirt. She leads guys on. Most of her friends are men going all the way back to high school. She's never been particularly good at setting boundaries or showing self restraint. Quite simply she craves attention from men and always has. She's finally starting to realize this too.
I'm scared as all hell that even if she wants to change this (which she says she absolutely does), she is who she is. She's hurt me in other ways before. She'll relapse. She'll not be happy with just me. She'll feel boxed in. Who knows, but those are some pretty clear fears right now. I sure as hell don't want to get hurt like this again.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 8, 2014 8:38:27 GMT -5
I'm scared as all hell that even if she wants to change this (which she says she absolutely does), she is who she is. She's hurt me in other ways before. She'll relapse. She'll not be happy with just me. She'll feel boxed in. Who knows, but those are some pretty clear fears right now. I sure as hell don't want to get hurt like this again.
Totally normal. And I will say that this never fully goes away. I've had my moments of panic because I know I'll be handed a script after the birth of kid 2 and I can't help occasionally fearing "what if".
BUT I decided to stay married and I have to work past it. I am open with him about my fears and he listens to me. He told me if it makes me more comfortable I can lock the pills in the fireproof safe and keep the key with me at all times. He will admit he's a bit hurt but understands why I am concerned.
Counseling, counseling, counseling. Individual at first so you have time to sort thru your thoughts and find out what you REALLY want to do. Same for her. Then you can come together to figure out how to redraw the boundaries in your marriage or peacefully divorce, whichever you decide to choose.
Once I had decided to stay then work began with DH. Our marriage is not the same thing it was pre-relapse. I don't exactly blindly trust DH anymore and our boundaries had to be re-drawn in respect to I need to protect myself should this happen again.
He knows the law of the land and he knows what will happen if he violates it. I've had people tell me I don't "love" DH enough due to having these ultimatums in our marriage. But then these are people who haven't had a spouse shatter their trust in them either.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 8, 2014 8:40:52 GMT -5
OP back. Things have kind of turned a 180 the last couple of days. I think reality is finally hitting my wife. She suddenly wants to work things out and change a lot of her behaviors. Maybe the future we had sounds a lot better than what she's been doing. The guy pretty much admitted he saw no future between them. Now I'm finding myself starting to pull away. I'm realizing this is much deeper than this affair. I'm scared as all hell that even if she wants to change this (which she says she absolutely does), she is who she is. She's hurt me in other ways before. She'll relapse. She'll not be happy with just me. She'll feel boxed in. Who knows, but those are some pretty clear fears right now. I sure as hell don't want to get hurt like this again. Interesting that you use the word "relapse." That's really insightful. You see your wife's actions are like a drug addiction for her, and one that apparently goes back awhile. Her behavior did not start with the affair, and it won't end with it. The affair is just a symptom of the bigger issues: She has always had unhealthy relationships and interactions with men. She's a big flirt. She leads guys on. Most of her friends are men going all the way back to high school. She's never been particularly good at setting boundaries or showing self restraint. Quite simply she craves attention from men and always has. She's finally starting to realize this too.
She can change, but it's work. And it's everyday work, not just go-to-the-therapist-once-a-week work. While she works on boundaries, you'll have to set some, too. Let her know if you are willing and able to work this out, first of all. Agree that you will support her if she does do the necessary work to move forward. BUT...you need to set some rules for yourself. If you cannot tolerate the idea of her going back to her old habits, even for a single relapse, then tell her that. Tell her how it hurt you, and that you will not risk this a second time. Make it clear that once was enough, and state exactly what you will do if there is a second occurrence of cheating. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries of your own. As long as you make them clear from the start of the healing process, I think it's fine. You should not be suffering this again.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 9:11:13 GMT -5
I could have written this (except for him getting weird). DH and I have been together since we were 23 and, in retrospect, we did not develop a healthy relationship. I knew I didn't want DD growing up to think men should talk to her like that and I didn't want DS thinking he should treat women like that, so I speak up when DH says something unacceptable. DD is almost 9 and he still does it on occasion, but nothing like before. I just keep reminding him that if he wants to stay married he'd better start setting a better example to his children. We're a TEAM and we are EQUALS. Besides, if he disrespects me outside of the bedroom he doesn't get to "disrespect me" while we're in there.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 8, 2014 9:32:52 GMT -5
Also there is a reason #3. People who like to have spicy sex life but having partners that can't deliver... Example: My aunt is married to her husband for 50 years and years after trying to show him that there is more than one missionary position she had gotten herself a lover. Everything except sex life is great for her. So she have gotten a crutch. Punishable? I don't know. DH still have NO idea. He did not want to listen when she had tried for years and he was completely prude and deaf! Go Auntie!!! Sounds like she falls under #1, Evil.. She is not evil. They are still married and he has no idea...because he is an ignorant stupid #$#&*&@!!! How is she evil? She needed sex! He wasn't listening!!! And still don't but now it is probably doesn't matter.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 9:41:38 GMT -5
Sounds like she falls under #1, Evil.. She is not evil. They are still married and he has no idea...because he is an ignorant stupid #$#&*&@!!! How is she evil? She needed sex! He wasn't listening!!! And still don't but now it is probably doesn't matter. Why would she stay married to him if she thinks he's an ignorant stupid ass?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 8, 2014 9:43:30 GMT -5
OP back. Things have kind of turned a 180 the last couple of days. I think reality is finally hitting my wife. She suddenly wants to work things out and change a lot of her behaviors. Maybe the future we had sounds a lot better than what she's been doing. The guy pretty much admitted he saw no future between them. Now I'm finding myself starting to pull away. I'm realizing this is much deeper than this affair. She has always had unhealthy relationships and interactions with men. She's a big flirt. She leads guys on. Most of her friends are men going all the way back to high school. She's never been particularly good at setting boundaries or showing self restraint. Quite simply she craves attention from men and always has. She's finally starting to realize this too. I'm scared as all hell that even if she wants to change this (which she says she absolutely does), she is who she is. She's hurt me in other ways before. She'll relapse. She'll not be happy with just me. She'll feel boxed in. Who knows, but those are some pretty clear fears right now. I sure as hell don't want to get hurt like this again. I would like to offer some hope. My H was an addict for at least 15 years before I discovered his addiction. He's been sober for 7 years now, with no slips or relapses. I grew up in a very unhealthy home. I was a BAD wife. I'm not so bad anymore. DH and I are still the same people. We still like our hobbies, we still have the same sense of humor and the same political outlook. We still have very little in common. We still love our kids the same, we still are savers, we're still the same religion. The difference is in how we process life. We now both do it in healthier ways. (Lately, though my H is better at it than I am..) All marriage is risk. It's ok to pull away for now. Take care of yourself. Educate yourself. Understand what your risks are, and how best you might be able to protect yourself from the risks. My marriage could end tomorrow, not of my own choosing. I am OK with that risk because I have a plan of what to do if that happens and I truly believe the risk is rather small. The benefits I have of staying in my marriage, for now, outweigh the risks. I have found now, I'm far more mindful of just today.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 12:17:37 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 9:43:50 GMT -5
She doesn't think he is, she just proves he is by continuing her affair....err, taking a lover for 20 years.
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Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
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Post by Angel! on May 8, 2014 9:46:16 GMT -5
I could have written this (except for him getting weird). DH and I have been together since we were 23 and, in retrospect, we did not develop a healthy relationship. I knew I didn't want DD growing up to think men should talk to her like that and I didn't want DS thinking he should treat women like that, so I speak up when DH says something unacceptable. Yeah, in retrospect there were much better ways to handle the entire situation. But, I was young & stupid. Although one could argue I didn't learn much because my next relationship had even bigger problems . I think the only thing I really learned from the first one is that I felt I gave up too easy. So in my next relationship I refused to give up too soon & hung on tight for 3 years longer than I should have. Although, I do think I hung on for too long, I don't really regret it. I gave that relationship everything I had & was left with no doubt at the end that this will never work. I didn't walk away wondering if I was making a mistake and I feel like I walked away a much stronger person. Abababa, you can always leave next week, next month, next year, etc. But once you leave there is likely no turning back. So I would give yourself time & do some counseling to figure out what you want. Don't make any really rash decisions that can't be undone. If after some time you realize that you don't love her or can't forgive her or that she will never change, then you can move on.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 8, 2014 9:46:32 GMT -5
She is not evil. They are still married and he has no idea...because he is an ignorant stupid #$#&*&@!!! How is she evil? She needed sex! He wasn't listening!!! And still don't but now it is probably doesn't matter. Why would she stay married to him if she thinks he's an ignorant stupid ass? Where did I say she thinks he is an ignorant and stupid ass? No, just tell me, just tell
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 8, 2014 9:48:41 GMT -5
OP wrote somewhere-quote:
She has always had unhealthy relationships and interactions with men. She's a big flirt. She leads guys on. Most of her friends are men going all the way back to high school. She's never been particularly good at setting boundaries or showing self restraint. Quite simply she craves attention from men and always has.
And he married her...described slut...why? Anyone?
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