ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 6, 2014 13:53:34 GMT -5
Say Whaaattt?? You can't possibly be serious!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2014 13:55:39 GMT -5
A lot of women afraid to end up alone - this is why they are not divorcing until they have a safe harbor (same as men never leave unless there is place for them and bed made) and no matter how stupid it is - this is what MAJORITY of women ending up doing. Cheating and trying to make sure 'he is the one who will take me in...AFTER'
What the heck is brave about that?! Brave would be willing to stand on your own two feet and walk away even if you don't have another man lined up. Brave would be having the confidence that you can take care of yourself and you don't need to cheat OR be in a bad marriage to be happy.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on May 6, 2014 14:00:49 GMT -5
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure what Tloonya meant by "cheating is brave" is that it takes a lot of guts to sneak around and take chances that you won't get caught. She can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, however.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 6, 2014 14:06:21 GMT -5
There's a HUGE difference between "brave" and "gutsy".
Having a secret affair is "gutsy" because the cheater is taking the risk of getting caught or found out.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 6, 2014 14:09:29 GMT -5
Cheating is not brave, not by anyone's standards or additional explanation. Cheating is a coward's way of refusing to face facts. Cheating is lying to your partner, the person you promised to love, honor and cherish above all others. Cheating is telling that person, "I don't think much of your feelings or what your reaction will be to what I am doing." Cheating is an affront to the cheater. It's a loss of honesty and decency with the one person you have to live with forever- yourself.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on May 6, 2014 14:13:52 GMT -5
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure what Tloonya meant by "cheating is brave" is that it takes a lot of guts to sneak around and take chances that you won't get caught. She can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, however. I concur. She obviously meant "cheating is bold". Cheating is the domain of the bold. ...or the domain of reckless idiots. Either, or.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 6, 2014 14:16:19 GMT -5
A lot of women afraid to end up alone - this is why they are not divorcing until they have a safe harbor (same as men never leave unless there is place for them and bed made) and no matter how stupid it is - this is what MAJORITY of women ending up doing. Cheating and trying to make sure 'he is the one who will take me in...AFTER'What the heck is brave about that?! Brave would be willing to stand on your own two feet and walk away even if you don't have another man lined up. Brave would be having the confidence that you can take care of yourself and you don't need to cheat OR be in a bad marriage to be happy. I am still waiting for your response if you had ever cheated? you seem know whole lot about the subject...theoretically, right?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 6, 2014 14:18:25 GMT -5
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure what Tloonya meant by "cheating is brave" is that it takes a lot of guts to sneak around and take chances that you won't get caught. She can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, however. THANKS greeniis!!! See...everyone! Was it SO H ARD to understand
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 6, 2014 14:20:53 GMT -5
There's a HUGE difference between "brave" and "gutsy".
Having a secret affair is "gutsy" because the cheater is taking the risk of getting caught or found out.
Yeah, like I meant it is as brave as to be involved in military maneuvers!!! Got to use your imagination, darling! See, you can do it! 'gutsy'...written in my esl book
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2014 14:21:57 GMT -5
I am still waiting for your response if you had ever cheated
Nope, never. When DH and I had our issues I addressed them with him and we worked thru them together. I didn't run into the arms of another man seeking comfort. If things hadn't worked with DH I would have walked. I do not need a man in my life, I am capable of being happy alone and taking care of myself.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2014 14:22:49 GMT -5
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure what Tloonya meant by "cheating is brave" is that it takes a lot of guts to sneak around and take chances that you won't get caught. She can certainly correct me if I'm mistaken, however. THANKS greeniis!!! See...everyone! Was it SO H ARD to understand Actually yes. The way you stated it and the way greeniis did are very different. Yours spun it as a positive thing. Kind of like saying jumping off a cliff into water that you have no idea how deep it is or if it's filled with rocks is brave. Really it's just stupid, but stupid comes off appearing brave sometimes.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 6, 2014 14:24:14 GMT -5
Cheating is not brave, not by anyone's standards or additional explanation. Cheating is a coward's way of refusing to face facts. Cheating is lying to your partner, the person you promised to love, honor and cherish above all others. Cheating is telling that person, "I don't think much of your feelings or what your reaction will be to what I am doing." Cheating is an affront to the cheater. It's a loss of honesty and decency with the one person you have to live with forever- yourself. NancyNewyearDrink is not what people call themselves...in perfect world. However its your name! Would you think you would be NancyNewyearDrink a lot of years ago? Before internet? No. So no one thinking about cheating like you wrote. It is the world where we living in and your name is NancyNewyearDrink. Get it?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 6, 2014 14:29:09 GMT -5
I am still waiting for your response if you had ever cheatedNope, never. When DH and I had our issues I addressed them with him and we worked thru them together. I didn't run into the arms of another man seeking comfort. If things hadn't worked with DH I would have walked. I do not need a man in my life, I am capable of being happy alone and taking care of myself. So why are you an expert on why people cheating? There is no answer to why people are cheating and regardless they do. If world was like you describing it (or thinking wishfully) - wouldn't that be called...Heaven?
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2014 14:52:00 GMT -5
I am still waiting for your response if you had ever cheatedNope, never. When DH and I had our issues I addressed them with him and we worked thru them together. I didn't run into the arms of another man seeking comfort. If things hadn't worked with DH I would have walked. I do not need a man in my life, I am capable of being happy alone and taking care of myself. So why are you an expert on why people cheating? There is no answer to why people are cheating and regardless they do. If world was like you describing it (or thinking wishfully) - wouldn't that be called...Heaven? Well, I don't believe in Heaven, but if there was a Utopian world there would never be marriage issues in the first place. You still can't convince me that the "brave" way to handle them is to betray your spouse and jump in bed with somebody else. Brave is confronting the issue. Brave is realizing that there may not be a solution but that even if you and your spouse can't work it out, you don't NEED them or a convenient replacement to function, that you can go face the world on your own two feet and be just fine. But, now I need to ask. So how is it that your are the expert on cheating?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 6, 2014 14:53:55 GMT -5
Cheating is not brave, not by anyone's standards or additional explanation. Cheating is a coward's way of refusing to face facts. Cheating is lying to your partner, the person you promised to love, honor and cherish above all others. Cheating is telling that person, "I don't think much of your feelings or what your reaction will be to what I am doing." Cheating is an affront to the cheater. It's a loss of honesty and decency with the one person you have to live with forever- yourself. NancyNewyearDrink is not what people call themselves...in perfect world. However its your name! Would you think you would be NancyNewyearDrink a lot of years ago? Before internet? No. So no one thinking about cheating like you wrote. It is the world where we living in and your name is NancyNewyearDrink. Get it? No, because you are not posting sober. Nothing you wrote makes a bit of sense. At least the OP does, and we're trying to stick to the topic. Or at least most of us are. What I use as a screen name is not your problem.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 6, 2014 14:56:43 GMT -5
I am still waiting for your response if you had ever cheatedNope, never. When DH and I had our issues I addressed them with him and we worked thru them together. I didn't run into the arms of another man seeking comfort. If things hadn't worked with DH I would have walked. I do not need a man in my life, I am capable of being happy alone and taking care of myself. So why are you an expert on why people cheating? There is no answer to why people are cheating and regardless they do. If world was like you describing it (or thinking wishfully) - wouldn't that be called...Heaven? Actually, if you go on survivinginfidelity.com, there are plenty of answers of "why" folks cheat. Generally, it's poor personal boundaries, the thrill, and/or the escape to fantasy. My H is also a recovering addict. Though my H did not physically cheat, the breakdown of our marriage is similar to that of a couple that experienced infidelity. We also went through the same typical recovery that a couple that is dealing with infidelity does. A break in trust is a break in trust. How it's done doesn't matter so much.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 6, 2014 15:00:39 GMT -5
So why are you an expert on why people cheating? There is no answer to why people are cheating and regardless they do. If world was like you describing it (or thinking wishfully) - wouldn't that be called...Heaven? Actually, if you go on survivinginfidelity.com, there are plenty of answers of "why" folks cheat. Generally, it's poor personal boundaries, the thrill, and/or the escape to fantasy. My H is also a recovering addict. Though my H did not physically cheat, the breakdown of our marriage is similar to that of a couple that experienced infidelity. We also went through the same typical recovery that a couple that is dealing with infidelity does. A break in trust is a break in trust. How it's done doesn't matter so much. And cheating isn't necessarily a physical relationship. It can be emotional, via text, emails, phone calls. My friend's ex-wife cheated on him for five years, not only when she visited the boyfriend, but with phone calls and messages from her to him via her mother (who knew what was going on the entire time). That's how my friend found out about the affair. He opened the phone bill (she had been doing that and paying it, to hide it from him) and he noticed the strange phone number.
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Post by zibazinski on May 6, 2014 15:04:37 GMT -5
Its revenge, too. Sometimes the way to get even.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 6, 2014 15:08:14 GMT -5
Okay tloonya, do your thing. For the rest of you, sorry, let me take a step back here. I got a little caught up and only responded to a couple of posts that I took particular exception to. I know, I should just ignore and focus on the many others. I owe you all a big thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I've read through them all...twice. It's provided me some very useful perspective, particularly those that have gone through a similar situation. We're kind of in the cooling off period right now. We're back under the same roof for the time being but in separate beds. We have both lined up individual counseling for starters. I feel like I need to at least try or there will always be the 'what ifs'. She is slowly getting on board with at least trying...good that she's getting there but bad that it doesn't seem more emphatic. Maybe she just needs time. It sounds like you've taken all the right steps. No rash reactions on either side. Counseling lined up for both of you. You are fortunate you don't have children, because you are free to act in your own best interests, without considering what the kids might need. The only thing you can personally control is understanding what you want. Would your life be better with your wife still in it, or not? Take some time to really think about that. Discuss it with your counselor. At the same time, your wife must also be debating the same question for herself. For what it's worth, my sister's husband cheated on her with a barfly. He maxed out his credit cards and blew his retirement savings paying her rent for her. When he tapped into their home equity line of credit (an account my sister saw the statements for) my sister finally figured out what was happening, but by then they were about $10,000 in debt and his half of their retirement was gone. Despite all that, my sister stayed with him and now, 3 years later, they seem to be doing well. (It helped that he was willing to get a second job to pay back what he spent on his girlfriend). So recovery from an affair is possible. Good luck.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 6, 2014 15:31:53 GMT -5
Its revenge, too. Sometimes the way to get even. Indeed. And not for anything necessarily done on purpose. As the OP stated, he was working hard, trying to create a better life. Cheating as revenge says, " You did this to me, so I get to do this to you. Now we're even." Except, of course, things never even out. Payback comes around, and around, and around.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 6, 2014 15:32:56 GMT -5
Amen to that.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 6, 2014 17:13:46 GMT -5
I concur with what others have said.
Ultimately, if you're going to fix your marriage, you both have to be invested in it and be prepared to work long and hard to make it happen. If neither of you, or only one of you wants to put in the work then it's not going to happen, and you do need to start planning an exit strategy.
It's fine to take time to figure this out, and give your wife some time too. You don't have to leave right now, and you don't have to figure it all out in a day, a week, or a month. Counseling may help you figure it out better and faster.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 6, 2014 17:44:27 GMT -5
Brave is acting like an adult and talking to your partner if you have a problem even if you know it may not go over well and could lead to some heated or tense discussions. Going behind their back and cheating is anything but brave.
To the OP good luck. I realize you said you were distant and busy but to me that's a major violation of trust when the person you share you home and life with goes behind your back instead of talking to you like an adult. As various other people said it's only something you can decide.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on May 6, 2014 18:42:07 GMT -5
My ex cheated on me while I was in anesthesia school. I was very busy and had little time, but we had discussed this prior to my going into it. He had said he supported my doing it.
I do not know whether he would have cheated with just anyone, but his former high school sweetheart became available and they got together when I was nearly done with the program. I did not know it for a while, found out two months after I graduated.
I left immediately; the next day as a matter of fact, and filed for divorce. I knew that I would never trust him again after that regardless of what he said or did. It would not have been fair to either one of us to live together when I felt that way.
I cannot not say what the OP should do, but I have not regretted my decision. The ex and his sweetheart were married, but only a couple years, before they divorced. My ex gave up 22years with me.
The he divorce was financially devastating for me, but with hard work, I recovered in three years what I lost.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on May 6, 2014 19:36:54 GMT -5
There are some strong, strong people on here.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 6, 2014 20:12:45 GMT -5
I feel for you and hope things start to look up.
I could add my continuing heartbreak but won't. All I will say is the cesspool will not touch this body every again even though we live in the same house.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 9:56:49 GMT -5
If you had pulled away to the point of her looking for something else, how good was the relationship in the first place? Just move on.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 10:07:54 GMT -5
There are some strong, strong people on here.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 10:12:24 GMT -5
If you had pulled away to the point of her looking for something else, how good was the relationship in the first place? Just move on. I don't know about that. Maybe he was perfectly happy in the relationship and didn't know she wasn't? You don't always realize your marriage needs work. That's what happened to me and my first husband. I thought we had the perfect marriage, I seriously did, but he wasn't happy and never bothered to say anything. He started having an affair and by the time he had the nerve to tell me, he'd moved on emotionally and there really was not fixing it because at that point he just wanted out. If the OP's wife isn't at that stage and wants to work on it, and he's willing to as well, there's still hope.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 10:23:34 GMT -5
There are two main types of cheaters:
1. The evil ones.. They never were committed. They don't believe in their committments. F them all and let your partner pick up the pieces.
2. The neglected ones.. Something major is missing in the marriage. Someone else notices and starts to fill that gap. It often happens slowly over time and there is some tipping point in the marriage that pushes the other to go through with the cheating.
There is probably a third which includes mental illness/depression.
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