My Life was turned upside down

[justme]

Well, it's all individual. For some, it would be scorned earth and moving on - especially with no kids. For others, and you might fall into this category, not so much.

I think you have two main questions to answer: 1) Do you want to do what it takes to fix this? and 2) Does she want to fix the relationship? If the answer to both are yes, then you have the more difficult task of figuring out what would fix that.

[toomuchreality]

It doesn't sound to me like you are going to leave. Not yet anyway. If you're not, make that choice/decision, and put your energy towards what you are going to do. Staying in limbo saps your energy, so you get stuck.

Either way, I'm sorry it happened, and I wish you luck!

[bookkeeper]

Only the two people in the marriage can figure out if the marriage is going to go forward.

Get some professional counseling together and individually to find out what you really want. It will be the best money you spend either way your marriage goes.

Marriages can rebuild after infidelity, but everyone has got to bring their A game.

If you drink alcohol, now may be a good time to save it for the weekend. 

Good luck to you. As a side note, I make it a policy not to intervene in any marriage but my own.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

justme has probably asked the two most important questions -- do you want to salvage, and does SHE want to salvage.  If either of those answers is "no", then your options just became quite clear.

Some couples do work through an affair.  Some can't.  Only you two can choose what is right for you.

Right now, you need to build your own strength back up.  Reconnect with friends, and find things that make you happy.

[Gardening Grandma]

I am so very sorry.  I wish I could add to the very wise advice has been offered. 

[giramomma]

Have you been over at survivinginfidelity.com? That's where I would start. Post. A lot. I'd also find an IC to work with

It takes marriages 3-5 years to heal from infidelity/major break in trust and boundaries. The first year is pretty much an emotional roller coaster. I think you see why. The second year is the year of anger.

Be gentle on yourself. Start with some basic self care. Try to eat, even if it small meals. drink plenty of water,and try to sleep. You don't need to decide about your marriage tomorrow. Or even next week. You can even decide 7 years into your recovery that your wife's behavior was a deal breaker.

[mmhmm]

I'm sorry, abababa.  This is rough.  It hurts like hell, and it will for awhile.

My first question is:  Is the affair continuing currently?  What does your wife say about it?  If it continues, is she willing to end it and make a real effort to save your marriage?  It's going to take both of you, and it's a tough climb out of this hole.

Others have made very good suggestions.  If the two of you decide to endeavor to mend your relationship, counselling will be crucial.  It's not something to be taken on without professional guidance, IMO.  The wounds are too deep and the chasms into which you can fall are just as deep.

Right now, the two of you need to sit down and talk.  I mean, really TALK.  You need to acknowledge what you know to be your part of this whole mess.  She needs to acknowledge her part of this whole mess.  Both of you need to acknowledge you chose the wrong ways to deal with the mess and figure out what you're willing to do to set said mess right.

I wish you luck and strength.  It's going to take a lot of both; however, nothing is going to happen until you begin.

[swasat]

So sorry you are going through this 

You have given the details of how you feel, but there are not many details about how your wife feels about this. Is she repentant/miserable/defiant/sad? Has she expressed any hope to fix the marriage?

A relationship of 8 years is not easily broken. I'll be the first to admit that I don't understand why people find emotional outlet in OTHER people, instead of talking to their own spouse. In your case, did your wife talk to you what she was missing in the relationship? I understand things can be very grey in relationships. But how and why the affair happened will have a lot of impact on how "I" would react to it.


Don't beat your self up. It may or may not have been your fault that she had an affair. Sometimes people go astray DESPITE the spouse being all in the marriage. Whether or not you can or want to fix it will depend on you and her obviously. It has to be an effort from BOTH of you for it to be successful.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Here's the problem...everything rational suggests I need to walk away, but I can't. She couldn't have done this if she loved me, truly cared about me, respected me, etc, etc. Right? She's a poison and I need to get her out of my life, right? We don't yet have kids or a house so it doesn't even have to be messy. I should just walk, right? But I can't.

First of all, welcome back.

A brief affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage.

It happens and you (as a couple) can get past it if you are willing to forgive and she's willing to not let it happen again.

I had the same thing happen with my DH when we were in our 30's. I was too focused on building my career, studying, working hard, and often tired at night.

When I found out, of course I was as devastated as you - but I wasn't willing to give up on our relationship or marriage so quickly or willingly IF he was willing to stop now and put an end to it.

It turned out, it meant nothing to him, and all he felt was "neglected" - I had to refocus and so did he.

[swasat]

abababa, there are quite a few posters on this board who have been through difficult marital situations and navigated successfully through the issues. Hope some of them chime in.

[Apple]

First, my personal opinion, cheating is the fault of the cheater.  Period.  There are adult ways to deal with a relationship if you're not getting what you want from it, and there are childish, selfish, hurtful ways of dealing with it.  Cheating falls in the latter category. 

Anyway...

Having been cheated on (serious relationship, but not married), it's going to be a hard time no matter which route you choose.  Since you don't just want to drop-kick her and be done, it's going to be even harder.  You both need to figure out if it is worth working through, and, you are allowed to change your mind later.  I chose to forgive the first time, but the trust was gone and it turned me into someone I didn't like.  Instead of the easy-going, relaxed person I had been, I was constantly on edge, suspicious, etc.  I ended up breaking it off, too much had changed, and I decided it was better to be alone than with the wrong person.

For me, I won't ever be on the "forgive" side again.  I've proven to myself that it's beyond my capabilities, and for me, no man is worth that.  I've seen a lot of cheaters, I don't know a single one of them who only cheated once.  Maybe some change, but I've yet to see it for myself.

Your world has been turned upside-down, allow yourself to be angry for a while.  Take a few days off if you can.

[nutty]

Oh so sad, I am going through the same thing.

[Deleted]

First, sorry this is happening. 

How did you find out? Did she confess, or did you uncover it? Has it stopped? 

As someone else suggested, even if you decide to stay, if she isn't willing to work on it, it's not going to work.

I think I'd seek out counseling if possible.

[Peace Of Mind]

Here is what I know:

1.  Don't worry about what anybody else thinks, feels, or says.  This is between you and your wife.  If you want to salvage the marriage then do all you can to do so - IN A HEALTHY WAY.   Don't read into what she MAY think, feel, want, say, etc.  Be real and be sure this is something she wants too.   If your wife stepped out due to neglect on your part (which you indicated) she may not be over you either and she may be able to find her way back to you.  Or she may be in love with the guy she's seeing and just doesn't want to hurt your feelings.  Find out for sure what it is before you get your hopes up.  She may not know herself and that is another reason for my suggesting 4. below.

2.  If she is on board your wife has to 100% break all ties and correspondence with her lover for there to be a chance this will work.  She needs to align with you and your relationship completely for there to be any chance for this to work.

3.  Please don't think you are weak or emotional for having these feelings.  You are human and your heart has been broken.  Only a psychopath or somebody dead inside would not have these feelings. 

4.  If you and your wife are having trouble communicating or the anger and hurt is getting in the way I recommend you seek a professional marriage counselor/therapist to help you guys learn how to talk this out in the best way possible.   This may be one of the hardest things you will ever experience, however, if you can save your marriage it all will be worth it.  If not, what you learn through this horrible experience will be priceless and help you grow for your future relationships.

5.  Suicide is NEVER the answer.  Take that off the table and seek help immediately if it ever crosses your mind again.  

(((HUGS))) 

 

[Shooby]

I am so sorry to hear this. But at this point you don't have to try to figure your life out. Take this day by day. Give it some time and let your head clear. Then you will know which way to go . And you will be OK.

[Deleted]

I'm from the scorched earth program.

How long were you 'absent from the relationship'? 

You looked away for a while and she's out with someone else. Can you really see this person nursing you through a traumatic injury? What if you became disabled? Is she out the door because you are no fun anymore? A cheater doesn't sound like someone you could ever trust your life to.

It is clear that you love her more than she is able to love you. Can you live with that? Can you live with additional affairs? I guess there are people with open relationships, so does that work for you?

Get some therapy and make no decisions on the relationship. Heal yourself for a while so you can decide how you value yourself and your relationship.

[Deleted]

So sorry you are having to go through this.

I think the biggest question you are asking yourself is whether or not you can forgive her.
You said that when you took your vows that you were all in. 
But then you also said that you were working too much and were emotionally detached.
Maybe you were as responsible for the affair as she was? If she can forgive you, shouldn't you be willing to forgive her?
I don't know.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

It is clear that you love her more than she is able to love you. Can you live with that?

How do you figure that is clear?

She may feel neglected, ignored or not getting the attention she needs.

It doesn't mean she loves him less than  abababa loves her - she's hurt and looked to someone else for "temporary" comfort.

It no doubt didn't make her feel any better or more loved in the long run either. Affairs never end happily. 

The marriage isn't lost if both are willing to focus on EACH OTHER to resolve  and move past this lapse in their commitment on her part.

Some of you are so willing to quickly  tell abababa to  throw in the towel over a very poor decision to "step out" that she made.

The marriage can survive and thrive if BOTH are willing to put this behind them and work on moving forward from here.





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[truthbound]

Not sure what the issue is. You admitted it is your fault. She is still banging the guy. Unless there are kids involved her ass and move on.

[Shooby]

What a rotten husband! Working hard to get promoted, raises, furthering your education to ensure your future. Yes, maybe you did neglect her while you were buckling down on other things. And, if she is that immature and childish to go have an affair at this point after only 3 yrs of marriage, then how is she going to handle life with kids and other stressors as it gets more busy?
Only you can answer what is right for you. At this point,i think you should make an apt with a family counselor and just talk it out with an objective 3rd party and that may help you find your way.

[milee]

May 5, 2014 20:33:11 GMT -5 justme said:

For some, it would be scorned earth

That autocorrect is off but accurate in this case.

OP, sorry you're going through this. 

[resolution]

I am very sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you are either able to work through things with her or come to peace with the decision to leave.

[zibazinski]

There's two sides to this. IMHO, you left the relationship to pursue what was important to him. Did she agree to be neglected while you did this? If she did, then she's a shit. If she didnt, then you are. Relationships need care and nurturing. DFs ex had an affair but he left that relationship with bio dd went to college. No, he didnt move out of the marital home but he was never there. It was waiting to happen.  And it did.  Does it make what she did right? Of course not but it makes it inevitable as far as I'm concerned.  Does SHE want to stay married to you? Or are you a stranger to her now as in not even remotely the man she married? You need to sit down and talk over the next steps. If she's not interested, see a lawyer and move on. Remember to care for the next relationship. 

[Deleted]

I am very sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you are either able to work through things with her or come to peace with the decision to leave.

and welcome back! 

[Deleted]

I personally witnessed a couple who remained together after infidelity. At this very moment their relationship is shipwrecked emotionally and in every other way, though they remain living under the same roof. Unforgiveness killed the marriage no matter how hard the try to reconcile.

I believe.. Forgiveness and patience is the key to survival after infidelity. The offended must completely forgive over time- The offender must be patient with the offended while he or she navigate through the stages of becoming reconciled with the other once again.

It is not easy, but possible if both parties are willing. A marriage CAN BE SAVED. 

[Deleted]

I forgot to mention the following.

Survival of a marriage after infidelity also include making reasonable changes where necessary from both parties.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Whether or not you choose to try to work it out is deeply personal. Do not allow others to dictate your position either way.

You don't have to decide today, you do not have to decide tomorrow. DH broke my trust in a different way, I chose to remain married.

What I did was I set dates to stop and really LOOK at if we were making progress. These were my "out" dates if I so chose. It didn't mean I was giving up on our marriage, it meant I was being realistic about the situation, broken marriages don't get fixed overnight and sometimes you do need/want to throw in the towel.

I did individual counseling first. I wanted a non-biased third party to talk to so I could sort out what *I* wanted. It wasn't going to do me any good to talk with DH if I was all over the place. We talked about me staying, we talked about me leaving. We went over all the possibilities together and once I felt I had made a decision I approached DH.

Therapy also helped me realize I can't control what DH does. If he wanted out there was nothing I could do about it. If he didn't like the terms I set to rebuild our trust, then the marriage was over. You do have to acknowledge you may end up walking and be prepared for that possibility.

DH didn't want me to leave, he didn't want to leave. He was willing to walk over coals to prove he was worthy of regaining my trust.

Then we went to marital counseling together. DH is an addict so what we needed is very different from what you would need. You will need to seek out a therapist who deals with infidelity in a marriage.

This may take awhile, don't throw in the towel if you don't like the first therapist. Keep looking.

Divorce counseling is also an option if you chose to not work it out. Divorce counseling will ideally help you peacefully dissolve the marriage. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind and chose to work it out later you haven't committed to anything, but it is something to consider exploring.

The most important thing I learned is I need to look at how things ARE, not how I hope they will be or how they were before.  I had to look at our marriage in the moment, I couldn't make decisions based on "what ifs".    That is what you will need to do as well.   8 years is a long history, DH and I had been together for almost 10 years when he relapsed.   It is something to take into consideration but I couldn't use that to judge the current state of our marriage.   He threw those 10 years away when he relapsed. 

As the therapist put it, we were starting over.  I had to decide if I wanted to stay in this new marriage and if I did it was vital we redraw the boundaries to reflect the changes we had gone thru.   That's what you and your wife will have to decide for yourselves over time.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm sorry you're in this position.  I agree with counseling.  Does your work have an Employee Assistance Program you can start with?  I saw mine a couple of times over depression and they had some helpful suggestions.  Mine also understand the options provided by my employer and will work with you to find therapists who can help you who are also covered by your insurance. 

[NancysSummerSip]

I found out 3 weeks ago that my wife has been having an affair the last six months. I have admittedly been very absent in our relationship lately, working too much, studying for professional exams and basically being emotionally detached from us. I was very tunnel visioned but considered it a short-term sacrifice I was making for our future. Getting raises, promotions and firmly establishing in my career. In the meantime I was missing way too many obvious signs right in front of me. It's shitty and I never expected anything like this. My life really has been turned upside down. I went from being a productive member of society to being a complete emotional mess and I've never even been an emotional guy. I've lost a lot of weight, I don't sleep well and I've missed a lot of work. Frankly, I'm a wreck. Finally in the last week I've started to somewhat function again.

Assuming your wife knew about your hard work, your desire to get ahead and build your future, and the time it would cost you, I'm probably less forgiving towards her that you are, OP. You didn't suddenly switch career gears and start staying out night after night, neglecting her with purposeful intent. Work happens, and hard work and sacrifice to "make it" take time. I don't see where you did anything wrong on purpose. Life and marriage got away from you for awhile.

I'm with those posters who could not forgive a cheater, but that's me. Plenty of people can, and do, and they are right to do so...if the relationship dynamic can change. Why did she do it, is she still seeing him, does she want to continue to see him, does he make her feel special and different...or is it just about the hot sex? Did she do it because she was lonely, or do it to punish you for not being around when she thought you should be? I'm not defending your wife, but you need answers to all of this before you can decide to move on or stay.

Love alone won't keep your marriage together, though it's a good start. Commitment, forgiveness, a desire for change and the willingness to move past this is also needed. You have started to function again somewhat normally, which is good. Your head is clearing, your emotions are in check and now you can deal with it. A therapist would help, even if your wife refused to go. That third party outlook tends to shed light on issues we cannot see ourselves when we are in the middle of a mess like this.

[nogooddeed]

Please remember that your wife's choice is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for the choices you made - to concentrate on work/education/etc.  Yes, you may have not paid enough attention to your wife and your marriage.  That was your choice and what you need to take responsibility for.  Your wife had many choices, talking to you, seeking counseling, waiting it out.  Instead, she chose to have an affair.  She is solely responsible for that choice.

Right now, you need counseling just for you.  Please find some.  Also, please know that you will survive this and marriage or no marriage, you can still have a great fulfilling life.