swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Apr 11, 2014 17:47:31 GMT -5
people cheat because they have separate accounts, but it's not really cheating, because it's not a real marriage if Damn my real marriage. Wait, I didn't change my last name, so screwing around isn't cheating because I don't have a real marriage, right?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 11, 2014 17:54:21 GMT -5
I don't understand this thread... If my husband told me he wanted to bang other people, I certainly wouldn't want to stay married to him... I also have to internal need in my life to be married. My life didn't change when I signed a marriage certificate. And for the record, we absolutely discussed fidelity while dating and before getting married. Do people really not discuss that? Or is that just a made up "what if" that hoops is pulling.
To me, being married doesn't automatically mean you never have any desire to sleep with someone else. It means that you don't act like a beast and act on every urge you have. We don't get all our wants in life... Why would we get every random want in.marriage?!?
Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 18:01:28 GMT -5
Why can Archie say anal but I can't? ...
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Apr 11, 2014 18:06:02 GMT -5
Why can Archie say anal but I can't? ... Are you new here?! This is the land of confusion! ETA: LOL! I forgot you just returned and based on your post count you are new here!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 19:54:22 GMT -5
Guys cheat because loose women throw themselves around. Women cheat because they have no ethics.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 20:02:31 GMT -5
I know one guy who's wife became very religous after they had been married 25 years or so. He is not so religous. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. She has not had sex with him in years. He has spoken to her about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. She doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, she doesn't want to talk about them. Being so religous now she also does not want a divorce and of course him cheating is against her religous beliefs. So this guy is a complete asshole if he seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce? You could interchange the male and female roles here no problem. ...let's try it this way: I know one lady who's husband became very sick after they had been married 25 years or so. She is still healthy. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. He has not had sex with her in years. She has spoken to him about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. He doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, he doesn't want to talk about them. Being so sick now he also does not want a divorce and of course her cheating is against his beliefs. So this lady is a complete asshole if she seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce? I'm not sure of your point. I'm of the same opinion. She's not an asshole either. To financially devastate him when he is sick and not in a position to support himself would be the asshole thing IMO. I'm not saying these are the situations for everyone that cheats but I think there are people dealing with a wide range of circumstances that I might not be in a position to be judgmental about.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 20:04:58 GMT -5
Guys cheat because loose women throw themselves around. Women cheat because they have no ethics. So it is never a mans fault?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 20:07:52 GMT -5
Guys cheat because loose women throw themselves around. Women cheat because they have no ethics. So it is never a mans fault? My post is self explanatory
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les63
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Post by les63 on Apr 11, 2014 22:08:17 GMT -5
Yes, cheating sucks. Especially when you have a special needs child. Some men just can't take it if you need to take care of your child. His loss, he could have talked to me more. We could have gone to counseling. Instead, let me go and cheat. Man-child asshole.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 11, 2014 22:16:27 GMT -5
Haven't read the entire thread...
I am curious, for those who say that if their spouse cheated, they would divorce them - is that the lying thta would break the deal or the sexual act itself?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 22:52:27 GMT -5
Lying.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 11, 2014 23:12:48 GMT -5
Haven't read the entire thread... I am curious, for those who say that if their spouse cheated, they would divorce them - is that the lying thta would break the deal or the sexual act itself? I haven't read the middle pages. So I don't know if it's just the lying or the act that are the only deal breakers that have been identified on this thread. Sometimes, kids are conceived. Sometimes, your spouse gives you cancer or HIV. Or the cheater gets cancer as a consequence of their behavior. If we would not have our other issues, I think I likely could work through a one night stand, provided a child was not conceived or provided my health was not put at risk. We all have lapses in judgement, for better or worse. Usually I'm a very black and white thinking person. So, I know it doesn't quite make sense. I don't think I could work through a long term affair or try to work it out with someone who cheated repeatedly and/or doesn't show any remorse (or willingness to repair the relationship) or desire for self improvement. Boundaries are good. I like them. I don't want to be with a partner that doesn't feel the same. I also have moved from the "If he cheats I will divorce immediately" to a position of "Well, I won't really know how I'll deal with this situation, until I'm actually dealing with it." It's one thing to talk about things when you are courting, and it's a completely different thing to actually deal with it when you have been married for a while. You've got years invested in the marriage. Your choices may affect kids. You don't know what kind of cheating you may be OK with and may not be OK with (some might be OK with a BJ/HJ as the only act). People (hopefully) grow and change as they move through their lives. I am (thankfully) not the same person I was 20 years ago. My values have not changed much. But I relate to the world in such a different way now and my behavior and thought processes are quite different. (I liken this to the discussion about kids. Sure, people SHOULD talk about kids before they get married. But, life intervenes. People change. DH and I never talked about exactly how many kids we wanted. I knew that I wanted a larger family. I knew that I couldn't marry someone who was one and done or someone that didn't want any kids. I didn't know what my definition of larger family was when I was 21. If you would have told me that I'd have three kids and I'm pretty sad we won't have a fourth when I was 21, I'd have asked you how much wacky tobacky you had been smoking. )
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Apr 12, 2014 6:16:42 GMT -5
LOL! I see. I know nothing about men so I will obviously bow to your greater knowledge. The thing is, a man can get just sex with his wife (in most cases). If it's just sex, why bother chancing the consequences of cheating. It's just got to be more than that. Because the same old same old gets boring. No matter who you are with, it is still pretty much tab A into slot B.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 12, 2014 6:25:20 GMT -5
...:::"Wait, I didn't change my last name, so screwing around isn't cheating because I don't have a real marriage, right?":::...
I KNEW there had to be an up-side to her keeping her name! We have separate accounts too. Oooh and an attorney said it was OK!
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Apr 12, 2014 6:45:54 GMT -5
Would your wife be ok if she found out you were cheating on her? Probably not. I'm not ok with a lot of stuff my wife does though, doesn't mean I expect her to run every decision she makes past me to make sure I'm ok with it. I wasn't ok with it when she turned the vacuum on the other day while I was watching a show I like. That doesnt' mean i consider it a violation of our marriage. Maybe it is just me, but having sex with other women without your wife's knowledge is not equivalent to her vacuuming during a tv show. I am waiting for the day you post that your wife turned your bedroom into a brothel and it was ok with you 'cause it is just sex and, bedsides, she was helping the family finances. As as long as you get your dinner on time, of course.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Apr 12, 2014 6:56:36 GMT -5
Haven't read the entire thread... I am curious, for those who say that if their spouse cheated, they would divorce them - is that the lying thta would break the deal or the sexual act itself? Both. My my ex and I discussed deal breakers prior to marriage. He said his first wife always screamed at him and he would not tolerate it. I promised never to yell/raise my voice and I never did. I told him that my first husband cheated and I would not tolerate that; he promised he wouldn't cheat. He cheated, I found out about it in the evening and filed for divorce the next morning. You never know what diseases the cheater may bring home.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 12, 2014 7:18:09 GMT -5
Haven't read the entire thread... I am curious, for those who say that if their spouse cheated, they would divorce them - is that the lying thta would break the deal or the sexual act itself? It would be the trust (lying) for me. And it would definitely be a divorce no matter what the circumstances are...unless the PTSD kicked in and then mother-fuckers better start running for the hills. OK, so if it's the trust/lying part, would you divorce your spouse for any other lies or just this one? I am genuinely interested, not trying to be snarky or play devil's advocate or anything of that sort.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 12, 2014 7:22:08 GMT -5
One of the reasons I am asking what I am asking is bc I find it interesting how sex is treated in our society.
On one hand, it seems to be a no-big-deal kind of thing, but on another, it is still a marriage deal breaker for many.
It's like we don't view it as an intimate/special activity until we have a piece of paper or something.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 7:23:26 GMT -5
I'll tell you why I did. I was married to a man who put me down all the time and we hadn't had sex in a couple of years. There was too much anger floating around and he was generally too drunk anyway.
At a meeting of my professional society I ended up sharing my suite with the view of the Pacific (no idea how I got that) with another actuary. It was lovely. I went home and filed for divorce, not because I planned to ride off into the sunset with the other guy but because I didn't want to live in a war zone anymore. Besides, he was married, too. The other actuary and I met at a couple of other conferences and got adjoining rooms. We'd have long conversations over coffee at breakfast. He listened to me. He didn't put me down. It was amazing. That was twenty years ago. We're still on good terms and occasionally see each other at meetings. DH knows and has met him. My Ex never knew.
I'm a Christian and Christians aren't supposed to behave like that. I haven't cheated on current DH, haven't even been tempted. In my case, though, that affair was the catalyst that led to turning my life around. I'm convinced God sent him. Flame away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 8:02:37 GMT -5
Would I divorce my husband for any lie? We all tell small fibs/white lies, so obviously not those. The thing about cheating is that I'm not sure how you accomplish it without sustained deception on multiple levels.. There are the logistical lies about where you are what you are doing. There are the emotional lies. There is the break in intimacy. I don't know how you find out about lies like that, lies that take up your whole being, and then feel comfortable and able to trust the person again? I mean im sure one could get over it... But I think the lying and lack of trust is what would do me in, not the sex cooties... I'm trying to think of another whole being type lie that is equitable to cheating? Which would have the same impact? Maybe if I found out he hadn't told md something about his past? Had lied about getting a degree or something? .. Oh, I guess if he was secretly selling drugs or running guns or something like that...? Or God... You don't think he actually, secretly votes Republican do you...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 8:04:08 GMT -5
Just kidding by the way Did want want to add though, I think the disrespect that others have mentioned is huge too...
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Apr 12, 2014 8:20:15 GMT -5
Haven't read the entire thread... I am curious, for those who say that if their spouse cheated, they would divorce them - is that the lying thta would break the deal or the sexual act itself? For me, the sexual act itself. DH knows it is a deal breaker for me. My ex cheated on me... Ironically, he and I discussed cheating when we started dating and he emphasized that it was something he wouldn't tolerate because his ex cheated on him. 6 months later I find out he had been seeing his ex... Professing his love for her etc. But he swears he didn't sleep with her. I don't believe him, but it wouldn't matter to me. An emotional affair is cheating as well... So hmmm... Maybe it isn't just the sexual act, Anyway DH knows it is a deal breaker... (Along with physical or emotional abuse) so essentially if he cheated, he would go into it knowing it is one of two deal breakers I have. He has to mentally decide that cheating is more important than our marriage. For the record. It is an absolute deal breaker for him too. Sent from my Nexus 10
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Apr 12, 2014 11:21:26 GMT -5
I also didn't read the whole thread. I don't condone it, but I think sometimes the problem is what you wanted in your 20s is not what you want in your 40s. People change over time.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 12, 2014 11:34:23 GMT -5
Cheating would be a deal breaker for me. It's the sexual act, the lies, and the disrespect. Cheaters don't cheat on somebody they legitimately care about. If they're willing to cheat they're over the relationship emotionally. Why would I stay with somebody that's already checked out of the relationship emotionally, and doesn't care about hurting me? I got walked on as a kid because I was a kid and had no choice. As an adult I do. I'm not going to spend my whole life being treated like crap.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 12, 2014 11:40:36 GMT -5
One of the reasons I am asking what I am asking is bc I find it interesting how sex is treated in our society. On one hand, it seems to be a no-big-deal kind of thing, but on another, it is still a marriage deal breaker for many. It's like we don't view it as an intimate/special activity until we have a piece of paper or something. Well I see it this way, but maybe this is only for me: I'm married because I WANT to be. I don't HAVE to be married - - the societal reasons people often cite for getting and/or staying married aren't relevant to me (no biological children; no family pressure; no pressure about the "sacredness" or "sin" of sexuality; I have my own job and my own retirement nest egg; no fears for my physical safety; no "status" needs). I'm married for only one reason: I freely choose to be emotionally and physically intertwined with this man. We decided to "do life" together. We have the stated expectation that we will devote our core personal energies to each other/our relationship and not to any other partner or potential partner. I'm in this for my own personal satisfaction, as is he. It is really great to have a companion who will stand by you and with you through all the carp life tosses at you - and trust me, we've seen a LOT of it. We've faced serious illness (our own), death (parents, family members, friends, beloved animals), divorce/addiction/other family-based drama, financial problems (ours and others), job changes, horrible bosses, people feuding around us, etc etc etc etc etc and I feel better for it because I had someone there to help me "deal" - and I helped him "deal." If he were to break our agreement, I would see no reason to stay married. If I were to break it, I would expect him to feel the same. YMMV
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 13:45:49 GMT -5
This is a prime reason to legalize prostitution. Take the emotional cheating out of the equation. It would not eliminate the problem, but it would lesson it.
As ladies, be open to three-ways.. Remember Katy Perry kissed a girl and she liked it..
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Apr 12, 2014 14:13:28 GMT -5
This is a prime reason to legalize prostitution. Take the emotional cheating out of the equation. It would not eliminate the problem, but it would lesson it. As ladies, be open to three-ways.. Remember Katy Perry kissed a girl and she liked it..Who didn't?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 12, 2014 19:16:00 GMT -5
This is a prime reason to legalize prostitution. Take the emotional cheating out of the equation. It would not eliminate the problem, but it would lesson it. As ladies, be open to three-ways.. Remember Katy Perry kissed a girl and she liked it.. If you can convince my wife of that you'll be my hero forever man...I've been trying for 20 years and only gotten punched in the nards for my efforts so far !!
Edit: Let me clarify...the three-way needs to be with another chick haha !!
One of the walking wounded I dated (very briefly) tried this. He desperately wanted a three-way (with another woman, natch). However, in his brain, he figured he could get his wife to acquiesce to a three-way with another woman was to provide her with a three-way with another man first. Because this was his fantasy, it MUST be her fantasy too. Right? So he set something up with his best friend, not realizing that his wife had a secret crush on him for years. She was not happy, but agreed. The friend and his wife wound up hooking up after the three-way, and she dumped her husband. Friend and wife rode off in the sunset together. I got the entire story (I think I was his first date after he divorce) along with waaaay more details than i really wanted to know. After trying for over an hour to divert the conversation during dinner to something else, anything else, I excused myself to the ladies room, found our waitress, paid the bill and left. Guy never got his three-way with his wife and another woman.....
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