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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:53:10 GMT -5
I know one guy who's wife became very religous after they had been married 25 years or so. He is not so religous. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. She has not had sex with him in years. He has spoken to her about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. She doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, she doesn't want to talk about them. Being so religous now she also does not want a divorce and of course him cheating is against her religous beliefs. So this guy is a complete asshole if he seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce? You could interchange the male and female roles here no problem. If I were the guy I would divorce the wife. Not being intimate would be a deal breaker for me Well that's fine for you. She stays because of her religious beliefs, he stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for her. Together they each have the resources to pursue their separate interests and enjoy their grandchildren. She will never agree to divorce or agree to an open marriage. This is working for them. Who are you to say your priorities are better than theirs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:53:21 GMT -5
let him cheat
then she can catch him, and take his ass to the cleaners
he is an idiot!
money is NO reason to stay married
and sure...there are lots of things that can kill you that you run across on a daily basis
in this case, you are CHOOSING to increase the risk for your partner
what a swell thing to do
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:53:48 GMT -5
...:::"Marrying someone with similar sexual appetites would alleviate most of the stress.":::... Good advice. Also, you can minimize your medical expenses if you just plain don't get sick! Uhhh....you should know what you're getting sexual appetite-wise before you say I do (unless you're "saving yourself for marriage"). If you choose to ignore that your fiancee only wants it once a month and go ahead and marry her anyway then it's YOUR fault that you're sexually frustrated. Comparing it to someone getting sick is quite a stretch, dontcha think?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:55:08 GMT -5
I think Later and Hoops should shake hands, I mean hook up.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:55:30 GMT -5
I know one guy who's wife became very religous after they had been married 25 years or so. He is not so religous. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. She has not had sex with him in years. He has spoken to her about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. She doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, she doesn't want to talk about them. Being so religous now she also does not want a divorce and of course him cheating is against her religous beliefs. So this guy is a complete asshole if he seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce? You could interchange the male and female roles here no problem. Okay, so taking this situation apart: She has made a choice: she doesn't want to talk about their lack of emotional and sexual connection/committment. She is unwilling to make changes and he's unhappy. He feels she is not upholding her end of the marriage bargain. She can think, do and believe what she wants, but she does not have control over his actions. She is free to believe what she wants, but is not free from the consequences of that belief. So HE needs to make HIS choices based on the fact that he cannot control her actions. To me, the most honest thing would be to get out of the relationship. Sounds like there's really not much of one there anyway. But maybe that's just me . . . She doesn't want him to cheat but she also doesn't want a divorce. What makes the divorce the better thing to force on her? It is going to have a lot more of a negative impact on her than his affair.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2014 15:56:32 GMT -5
stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for her
If he wants to stay miserable out of some sense of duty then that's his decision. Hopefully his decisions to run his life that way don't come back to bite him. If they do, then that's the price he pays.
But I'm not going to agree with him or have any sympathy for him. He HAS options, he's just choosing the most difficult one and making himself miserable in the process.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 15:56:42 GMT -5
::I don't think people should stay married who are miserable. Being married just to avoid divorce sounds like hell to me. I still say that cheating is wrong and they need to put on their big kid pants and divorce and move on. People do change.. if two people start to grow apart there's nothing wrong with that, but not making the big decisions and hiding behind religious beliefs is the chicken shit way out. Out of the two evils, divorce is much less evil than cheating, in my opinion. ::
Plenty of people aren't "miserable" in the relationship though. Those people should definitely get a divorce. Some people have 90% great relationship, and 10% miserable. Without defining what those pieces are, I think most people would advise the person to try to find some way to fill that 10% with something good instead. Only once you define that 10% as "sex" do people tell you to just suck it up or get a divorce. If that 10% was "going to musicals", no one would say that. Ditto for "he doesn't like to do yardwork, she makes terrible desserts, he doesn't want to walk the dog with me, etc". Once it's sex, it becomes "shut up and deal or divorce".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:56:55 GMT -5
I think Later and Hoops should shake hands, I mean hook up. POTD
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 15:58:02 GMT -5
If I were the guy I would divorce the wife. Not being intimate would be a deal breaker for me Well that's fine for you. She stays because of her religious beliefs, he stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for her. Together they each have the resources to pursue their separate interests and enjoy their grandchildren. She will never agree to divorce or agree to an open marriage. This is working for them. Who are you to say your priorities are better than theirs. It is working for them because the wife doesn't know that he is having sex with someone else. So my priorities are no different. I wouldn't be ok with it and it sounds like she wouldn't be, either.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 11, 2014 15:59:29 GMT -5
...:::"If I were the guy I would divorce the wife. Not being intimate would be a deal breaker for me":::...
Honest question here. Can you afford it? And don't give me a "I can't NOT afford it" non-answer.
I suppose the question could evolve more into "is it worth it". A "deal vs. divorce" situation isn't simple. It is a near certainty that a divorce will decimate your financial health, and standard of living. It will almost certainly push back retirement, or obliterate the quality of said retirement. This is a lifelong consequence. So someone whose spouse "changed the deal" is now faced with this choice. Do I retain all that I've worked for and live with ever growing resent? Or do I set fire to years or decades of accomplishment and set myself back for the CHANCE of getting a need met?
I'm not so much asking would you do it? I'm more asking that can you see someone in such a position feeling completely powerless and deciding "if my spouse won't play fair, why should I"? You don't have to approve of the behavior to at least understand it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 15:59:35 GMT -5
A sin of omission is better than one of the "big 10", apparently....
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 11, 2014 16:00:19 GMT -5
Okay, so taking this situation apart: She has made a choice: she doesn't want to talk about their lack of emotional and sexual connection/committment. She is unwilling to make changes and he's unhappy. He feels she is not upholding her end of the marriage bargain. She can think, do and believe what she wants, but she does not have control over his actions. She is free to believe what she wants, but is not free from the consequences of that belief. So HE needs to make HIS choices based on the fact that he cannot control her actions. To me, the most honest thing would be to get out of the relationship. Sounds like there's really not much of one there anyway. But maybe that's just me . . . She doesn't want him to cheat but she also doesn't want a divorce. What makes the divorce the better thing to force on her? It is going to have a lot more of a negative impact on her than his affair. Well she's not in the relationship alone, so in the end she really can't be the decider of how the relationship will function - - at least not without consequences. If she is willing to accept the consequences of giving her spouse NO emotional support or sexual companionship (he seeks solace somewhere else and she looks the other way), then that's their problem to solve and I won't get into the middle of it. But it IS grossly unfair of any spouse to say to any other spouse: no I won't give you any kind of emotional or sexual companionship but you are not free to seek it elsewhere and you are not free to leave. That is not a marriage - that is tyranny. Sez me. YMMV
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 16:00:51 GMT -5
::and sure...there are lots of things that can kill you that you run across on a daily basis<BR><BR>in this case, you are CHOOSING to increase the risk for your partner::<BR><BR>You are choosing to increase risks for your partner every day. What's the difference? I doubt that every meal you are cooking and making only the choices in food which result in the least possible risk of death. Having fun in life almost always requires you to increase your risks and if your partner has any involvement then their risks typically increase as well.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2014 16:01:53 GMT -5
10% was "going to musicals", no one would say that. Ditto for "he doesn't like to do yardwork, she makes terrible desserts, he doesn't want to walk the dog with me, etc".
If it's a deal breaker for you that your spouse won't go to musicals or won't do yardwork or makes crappy desserts then the same rules apply. You either figure out how to deal with it, compromise or divorce.
I don't see what's so hard to grasp about that. For the majority of posters in this thread cheating is a deal breaker. If it isn't one for you then kudos for you, that's your decision.
A lot of people disapprove of me being married to a former addict, it's be a deal breaker for them. I am not going to tell those people "it was just drugs" and that they should stop viewing it as such a big deal. For them it IS a big deal and divorce worthy. For me after careful consideration I decided to stay married to him. That's my business. Just as you not wanting to be married to one would be yours.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 16:01:59 GMT -5
I think Later and Hoops should shake hands, I mean hook up. POTD My wife still looks good. She isn't fat enough for me to start hooking up with others yet. Probably won't be until after we have kids.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 16:02:04 GMT -5
Well that's fine for you. She stays because of her religious beliefs, he stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for her. Together they each have the resources to pursue their separate interests and enjoy their grandchildren. She will never agree to divorce or agree to an open marriage. This is working for them. Who are you to say your priorities are better than theirs. It is working for them because the wife doesn't know that he is having sex with someone else. So my priorities are no different. I wouldn't be ok with it and it sounds like she wouldn't be, either. Ya, the discretion is a big part of this arrangement working. Which would kind of be one answer to Phoenix's question "why do people cheat?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 16:02:10 GMT -5
since you know them, talk to her
my bet is she would rather be divorced than have him cheating on her
my bet is that MOST women would feel that way
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 16:03:39 GMT -5
since you know them, talk to her my bet is she would rather be divorced than have him cheating on her my bet is that MOST women would feel that way Not always. Some women are too worried about being supported that they choose to ignore the cheating....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 16:04:17 GMT -5
stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for herIf he wants to stay miserable out of some sense of duty then that's his decision. Hopefully his decisions to run his life that way don't come back to bite him. If they do, then that's the price he pays. But I'm not going to agree with him or have any sympathy for him. He HAS options, he's just choosing the most difficult one and making himself miserable in the process. I'm going to assume you have never been divorced.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 16:04:41 GMT -5
Does it count as cheating if it is [edited to remove a deleted post] Gay sex is still cheating, Archie!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 16:05:43 GMT -5
My wife still looks good. She isn't fat enough for me to start hooking up with others yet. Probably won't be until after we have kids. I am sure that is just as comforting to her as when you pay the electric bill.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 11, 2014 16:05:50 GMT -5
stays because he feels being divorced would be hard on the whole family, financially difficult for him and almost financially impossible for herIf he wants to stay miserable out of some sense of duty then that's his decision. Hopefully his decisions to run his life that way don't come back to bite him. If they do, then that's the price he pays. But I'm not going to agree with him or have any sympathy for him. He HAS options, he's just choosing the most difficult one and making himself miserable in the process. I'm going to assume you have never been divorced. What's that old cliche, now? The one about preferring the devil you know to the devil you don't . . . . .?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 16:06:28 GMT -5
Does it count as cheating if it is [edited to remove a deleted post] Gay sex is still cheating, Archie! So much for going on the down-low...
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 16:06:33 GMT -5
::If it's a deal breaker for you that your spouse won't go to musicals or won't do yardwork or makes crappy desserts then the same rules apply. You either figure out how to deal with it, compromise or divorce.
I don't see what's so hard to grasp about that. For the majority of posters in this thread cheating is a deal breaker. If it isn't one for you then kudos for you, that's your decision.::
I already said if you sat down and had a conversation and agreed to your list of dealbreakers that you wouldn't do, then you should stick to it. There's just nothing inherently wrong with having sex with someone who isn't your spouse. It's only a problem if you've agreed not to. And it's not any more or less wrong than any of the hundreds of other things people that are selfish. You can be more upset about it than other things, but it's not any more wrong.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 16:09:17 GMT -5
The answer to the original question isn't difficult. It's the answer to pretty much everything people do that is selfish. "I want to and I figured I could get away with it with little to no consequences".
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 16:09:42 GMT -5
::If it's a deal breaker for you that your spouse won't go to musicals or won't do yardwork or makes crappy desserts then the same rules apply. You either figure out how to deal with it, compromise or divorce. I don't see what's so hard to grasp about that. For the majority of posters in this thread cheating is a deal breaker. If it isn't one for you then kudos for you, that's your decision.:: I already said if you sat down and had a conversation and agreed to your list of dealbreakers that you wouldn't do, then you should stick to it. There's just nothing inherently wrong with having sex with someone who isn't your spouse. It's only a problem if you've agreed not to. And it's not any more or less wrong than any of the hundreds of other things people that are selfish. You can be more upset about it than other things, but it's not any more wrong. My marriage vows included "foresaking all others" but never included "won't turn on vaccum during a tv show". Mao I disagree with you
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 11, 2014 16:10:14 GMT -5
...:::"Uhhh....you should know what you're getting sexual appetite-wise before you say I do (unless you're "saving yourself for marriage"). If you choose to ignore that your fiancee only wants it once a month and go ahead and marry her anyway then it's YOUR fault that you're sexually frustrated.":::... You are sticking to one specific situation to prove your point, but avoiding addressing the larger more general picture, which doesn't. Forget any me or any one person. The original question was to understand it. Not to empathize or agree. Just to understand. ...:::"So HE needs to make HIS choices based on the fact that he cannot control her actions. To me, the most honest thing would be to get out of the relationship. Sounds like there's really not much of one there anyway.":::... kittensaver's post is very well laid out.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 11, 2014 16:10:34 GMT -5
I know one guy who's wife became very religous after they had been married 25 years or so. He is not so religous. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. She has not had sex with him in years. He has spoken to her about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. She doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, she doesn't want to talk about them. Being so religous now she also does not want a divorce and of course him cheating is against her religous beliefs. So this guy is a complete asshole if he seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce? You could interchange the male and female roles here no problem. ...let's try it this way: I know one lady who's husband became very sick after they had been married 25 years or so. She is still healthy. Their common interests went down to going out to dinner and their kids and grand kids. He has not had sex with her in years. She has spoken to him about trying to come back together both sexually and emotionally. He doesn't think there are any problems or if there are, he doesn't want to talk about them. Being so sick now he also does not want a divorce and of course her cheating is against his beliefs. So this lady is a complete asshole if she seeks out companionship on the side and decides not to devastate the two of them financially with a divorce?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2014 16:10:34 GMT -5
The answer to the original question isn't difficult. It's the answer to pretty much everything people do that is selfish. "I want to and I figured I could get away with it with little to no consequences". That I agree with.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Apr 11, 2014 16:12:12 GMT -5
::My marriage vows included "foresaking all others" but never included "won't turn on vaccum during a tv show". Mao I disagree with you::
She vowed to obey me, and I've told her no vacuuming when I'm watching tv.
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