Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 10, 2014 16:44:15 GMT -5
I'd like to get a little insight as to why you think people cheat on their spouses or significant other.
Maybe it's just because I've never been married or really been that emotionally attached to someone, and just hear about such things, but I have difficulty understanding why someone would want to cheat on their spouse. Or maybe it's just I can't understand how someone can get more than one SO while I can't get one.
Anyway, why do people cheat? Is there always malicious intent, or is it just being thoughtless about those they're hurting, or is cowardace of not wanting to end the original relationship, or are some people just that manipulative, or do people think they'll never get caught?
On the flipside, what about the other person. Who would have such little self respect as to be in a relationship with someone you know is married?
I realize it's different when you're the one involved and your emotions are tied up in another person, but it doesn't make much sense.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Apr 10, 2014 16:53:38 GMT -5
It depends on the person.
1. They (the cheaters) are immature 2. They are looking for something they aren't getting from their SO/Spouse 3. They are whores or dogs (repeat offenders) 4. They sincerely fell in love with somebody else but didn't want to hurt the other person or wanted both (selfish and/or immature) because they both fulfilled their needs (one is a parent to their kids and the other gives them attention) 5. The other spouse is abusive, lazy, gross, a dick or bitch, detached, has mental issues, it's just easier to play on the side than deal with those issues...
the list could go on.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Apr 10, 2014 16:57:14 GMT -5
6. Poor boundaries 7. Low self esteem
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 10, 2014 16:59:04 GMT -5
8. self-centered 9. lacking empathy 10. not understanding what they were really getting into (failing to honor a commitment) 11. raging hormones 12. lack of self control 13. spite
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 10, 2014 17:03:45 GMT -5
14. drunk or high 15. thrill seeking behavior
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 10, 2014 17:04:00 GMT -5
I'm sure there's lots of reasons: maybe it gives a feeling of being in control (or not trapped) in a relationship maybe they think they need a break (from the stress - or percieved stress - of the current relationship and cheating is 'more stress free' than dealing with their spouse/SO? maybe they are 'bored' and want to add some drama to their life Maybe as a way to hurt their spouse/significant other maybe it's the 'adventure' of having what they aren't suppose to have (you know, tell yourself you are never doing X again and then all you can think about is X ) maybe it's the 'excitment/feeling' that comes with 'falling in lust' or persuing someone romantically that's the draw. maybe it's because sex is fun maybe because the original relationship is ending/almost over and they've already 'moved on' maybe it's a feeling that they deserve to have more than one partner at a time maybe it's just inertia - they've done it before - why change maybe they really have fallen out of love with their spouse/SO and fallen in love with someone else and they just aren't brave enough/can't face the consequences of telling their spouse/SO. I suspect there are hundreds of 'reasons' why someone cheats on their spouse/so. People are complicated. Just watch some of the CW "dramas" for goodness sake! They pretty much cover all the bases for why someone cheats... With the added benefits of hot young people acting out the drama!
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Apr 10, 2014 17:05:10 GMT -5
Because... Down dooby doo down down Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down Breaking up is hard to do Okay, that just started playing on my pandora radio station while I was reading this... couldn't resist...
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 10, 2014 17:09:00 GMT -5
Yes, yes you could have...
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Apr 10, 2014 17:14:08 GMT -5
Yes, yes you could have... How about this one... I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved I've been pushed down I've been pushed 'round When will I be loved Okay, I'll stop now... maybe...
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 10, 2014 17:14:09 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Apr 10, 2014 17:47:07 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. LOL! I'm starting to see why you are single. You think TV is real. (Yes, I thought you were kidding too)
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Apr 10, 2014 17:51:59 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. I can't be drunk all the time!
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simser
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Post by simser on Apr 10, 2014 17:56:40 GMT -5
I've both cheated and been the other woman.
I cheated as a way to get out (lots of therapy later leads me to this conclusion). It's actually fairly common since cheating is a way that people don't judge for getting out. Especially abusive situations (which I was getting out of, but has more of the self esteem stuff in it).
The other women stuff- most just wanted their cake and to eat it too (some with permission, some without). One was another coward thing, but I feel bad for him.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 10, 2014 18:16:47 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. No, that only happens in 80's and early 90's sit coms. You need to be watching the 'Young Adult' dramas on the CW - like the Vampire diaries, The Carrie Diary (or whatever that prequel to Sex and the City is called), Star Crossed, etc... You could also go 'vintage' and watch the original 90120 show. They get alittle 'incesteous' as the main characters continually pair off amoungst themselves - which I find a bit creepy... so YMMV
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 10, 2014 18:19:23 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. LOL! I'm starting to see why you are single. You think TV is real. (Yes, I thought you were kidding too) No, I hinted that "TV is real" or maybe that TV is a fun house mirror reflecting real life... not phoenix. And I KNOW TV isn't real, but the 'soap opera' type dramas tend to use 'real life' happenings to spice things up... and a cheating spouse/SO is prime drama generating stuff! And since we've got a musical theme going - now is when you queue up Paul Simon's 50 ways to leave your lover....
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 18:37:27 GMT -5
I don't know. But they say it is often because of how the other person makes you feel.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 10, 2014 18:40:12 GMT -5
For many, it's the thrill of the adventure/secrecy.
I worked with an extremely handsome man for 4 or 5 yrs in the same department of an Engineering company I worked for. He was handsome, charming, funny, witty, and just an all-around great guy. He was the whole package.
We became instant friends/buddies due to our common interests - and that friendship grew over time. We joked around, went for lunch together, or for drinks after work, socialized at corporate parties/gatherings, etc, shared personal problems or talked as any good friends would.
We just clicked - and yes, I was extremely attracted to him.
At one of the Christmas parties one year, I was dancing with him (yes, our spouses were there too), and he whispered in my ear how long he's been wanting to "get together" with me and take things to the next level.
I was completely taken aback, but had thought the same myself in the past. My marriage was going through some bumps and hubby was just beginning his slide down the path to alcoholism. (Yes, I was probably even vulnerable) - but also extremely tempted.
This party was not the place to discuss this with "Mike" - especially with our own spouses present. (And his wife was, for lack of better words, a shrew). I'd known for a long time he was unhappy in his marriage.
The following Monday at work, he came into my office and asked if I'd given any thought to what he said. I had to ask him up-front if he thought of it going further than just a casual hook-up - or if he had visions of a future with me (I'd already been thinking of my own marriage problems due to DH's drinking, and that was weighing on my mind when I asked him).
He paused just long enough to give me my answer.
We remained close friends after that (thank goodness, because he was a true friend) but that's as far as it went.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Apr 10, 2014 20:12:11 GMT -5
I thought on TV, all you had to do to get people to fall back in love with each other is have their buddies recreate the conditions in which they fell in love in the first place. No, that only happens in 80's and early 90's sit coms. You need to be watching the 'Young Adult' dramas on the CW - like the Vampire diaries, The Carrie Diary (or whatever that prequel to Sex and the City is called), Star Crossed, etc... You could also go 'vintage' and watch the original 90120 show. They get alittle 'incesteous' as the main characters continually pair off amoungst themselves - which I find a bit creepy... so YMMV I've never watched 90210, but HS is really like this now, at least judging by DD3's friends. J dated M and A dated L, then J dated L and A dated M, then J dated I's ex; J, A, and I are all in a band together.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 20:36:18 GMT -5
Maybe, and I'm just offering a possible explanation, but maybe there isn't a soul mate out there for absolutely everyone and just maybe there are people that can't have all of their emotional needs filled by just one person. Maybe they do care about their partner and want to stay partners with them and build a life together but that one person doesn't have exactly all the same interests or isn't interested in one particular area so they find that companionship with another person. Maybe not all of the thousands, probably millions, of people that cheat are complete assholes or mental midgets. Just a thought.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 20:56:43 GMT -5
I do think there is a difference between having marital problems and getting caught up in some romance versus a serial cheater/ hounddog.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 21:02:02 GMT -5
I think that's possible later. But I also think the reason it's cheating, is becuse it is secret. I think it's ok to feel that way. I don't know that the best course of action is hiding it, and acting on it outside of your partnership...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 21:08:46 GMT -5
Oped we live in a place and time that insists that cheating is a betrayal and all sorts of evil things. In Europe and in other eras having lovers was not as demonized. Even now some people see marriage as a financial partnership, a team to raise a family, and don't think of sexual exclusivity as the defining element of their marriage. But they are the minority and tend not to advertise it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 21:15:59 GMT -5
What I'm saying though, is that I think 'taking a lover' like you are talking about, doesn't necessarily have to be 'cheating'. But if you are 'cheating'... If you are stripping out on your spouse without their knowledge or consent, then it is 'cheating' and it is a betrayal.
lol... That was intended to be stepping out, but that's too good to correct...
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quince
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Post by quince on Apr 10, 2014 21:21:58 GMT -5
Sexual exclusivity isn't big deal to me, but if my husband had sex with someone else and told me AFTER having sex with me again, I would be shattered- putting me at risk in such a fashion without my consent is unacceptable. There isn't enough groveling in the world to come back from that. It would also be pretty stupid of him, since in theory the only thing stopping us from having a threesome is meeting the right person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 21:56:23 GMT -5
Maybe, and I'm just offering a possible explanation, but maybe there isn't a soul mate out there for absolutely everyone and just maybe there are people that can't have all of their emotional needs filled by just one person. Maybe they do care about their partner and want to stay partners with them and build a life together but that one person doesn't have exactly all the same interests or isn't interested in one particular area so they find that companionship with another person. Maybe not all of the thousands, probably millions, of people that cheat are complete assholes or mental midgets. Just a thought. Then that person goes to their spouse that they agreed to be faithful to and who has put their trust in them to stand by their word and their vows and explain that to them BEFORE they go ring a bell that cannot be unrung. Cheating on and lying to the person you vowed to love forever is not some noble self-sacrifice. If they are ok with an open relationship that's their business... But they get to make that decision for themselves. Lying to and cheating on them is not what you do to the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with and be faithful to. Say that is how your husband is. Is there a hope in hell you would agree to an open marriage? Would you rather get divorced? Do you think he knows what your answer would be? Our culture has gone so crazy on this topic that people talk about "emotional affairs" and how they are just as bad if not worse than a physical affair. There are what, 7 billion people on the planet? And we are only supposed to be emotionally and physically close to one of them? That strikes me as odd.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 10, 2014 22:02:02 GMT -5
Anyway, why do people cheat? You can always go and read on survivinginfidelity.com. It's actually quite a good website and has a forum.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 0:36:05 GMT -5
16. bottom feeder (the serial cheaters) 17. delusions of Sean Connery/James Bond
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 0:38:15 GMT -5
More importantly: Why does Phoenix not have a SO?
You are relatively young aren't you? Late 20's or Early 30's maybe.
What do you do to put yourself in a position to meet women with similar interests?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 7:56:07 GMT -5
He doesn't know how. But we're trying to help from afar.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 11, 2014 10:33:29 GMT -5
It's fun?
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