zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 10, 2014 7:22:24 GMT -5
You REALLY need to back off. You are sounding like an angry shrew and that's enough to drive any man away, even one willing to stay married. Do your own thing and carve a life for yourself. You sound so needy and desparate. I'm not even a guy and I'd be running for the hills. Vent to us, not to him. Stop sounding like a crazy jealous woman. Get a life of your own and make some friends and contacts and get out of that house during the day. Become more interesting, develop some outside interests and activities. Learn to shoot a gun and join a range. That usually sparks some interest even if its self preservation!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 7:23:25 GMT -5
You REALLY need to back off. You are sounding like an angry shrew and that's enough to drive any man away, even one willing to stay married. Do your own thing and carve a life for yourself. You sound so needy and desparate. I'm not even a guy and I'd be running for the hills. Vent to us, not to him. Stop sounding like a crazy jealous woman. Get a life of your own and make some friends and contacts and get out of that house during the day. Become more interesting, develop some outside interests and activities. Learn to shoot a gun and join a range. That usually sparks some interest even if its self preservation! X 1,000,000,000 I vote for POTD!!!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 10, 2014 7:24:00 GMT -5
Captain, do you even realize or care that I am devastated and broken right now. I will be married for 23 years in June. He has gone on business travels for months on end, he eats and goes out with vendors a lot and GASP he goes out with women all the time. Do you think that I don't know this.
BUT at this point he doesn't get to evade questions in my opinion, I have NEVER accepted a drink from another man that I did not know, and I sure as HECK would not then invite them to have a chat with me seeing as I am married.
Who does that? I don't. He is putting me through hell right now, then acted like it was this huge imposition when I asked if they joined him and his friend. NO THAT IS NOT COOL. He doesn't get to act like he is single right now because he isn't.
So you are on ignore now because I really don't think you care about the gravity of my situation right now as others have. You don't seem to understand or care the pain I am in and I don't know why or really care at this point because you seem to be determined to be mean to me.
Go kick someone else while they are down.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 10, 2014 7:28:08 GMT -5
Not needy or desperate, i just don't know what to do or how to act. Never been a shrew in my life, and that would be the first thing he would say, he will also say that I am not a nagger. I have my faults, he goes out with guys and gals all the time.
As I said above, I don't think he should be giving of these vibes of being single when he isn't. 23 years of marriage in June and you are both saying I am acting like a shrew, YEAH no, he has travelled for work, he goes out with vendors, he works with women, not a problem.
But right now is not the time I don't think to put me through any more pain than I already am, at least that is my opinion.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 10, 2014 7:31:09 GMT -5
Well, I guess you can block me as well. I'm sorry you're sad but it isn't going to change your reality. Even though my ex was a louse and did bad shit, I still grieved for the end of my marriage but I didn't have anyone to even vent to really, certainly not this board who would have hugged me and then told me to get going because pissing and moaning wasnt going to change a damn thing. Btw, I went out plenty with people from work while I was still married and they were all guys. No lines were crossed. If my ex had said anything about it, I'd have told him to F off. He went out with people from work and lines were crossed. But that was HIS issue and not mine. It became mine when I let it become mine. I did bitch about it. Did it change his behavior? Not one whit but it made me sound like a bitch and made me angry and unhappy. I could choose to let his behavior affect mine or I could choose not to. I chose not to and started doing my own thing. He got interested in me and saving our marriage again but I found out I liked life without him better than with him. I did miss the money though!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 7:41:16 GMT -5
Nutty - I think you are missing what they are trying to tell you. You can't control HIS behavior. You can only control YOU and your behavior and your reactions. Trying to "catch" your spouse with the hand in the cookie jar is going nowhere.
As for marriage, it is built on trust. If DH wants to cheat on me, then have it. I cannot stop him nor would I even try. And, likewise, if I want to cheat on DH, there isn't a darn thing he could do about it. If I wanted to he couldn't stop me. So, worrying about "cheating" is futile and pointless. You can only control what you do about it and not what he does. I traveled quite a bit with my male business partner. We have take business trips and gone to seminars for a weekend, etc. DH has no issue with this whatsoever. He is a great friend and like a brother to me. I have no fear of DH cheating nor vice versa. But, if he does or wishes to that is HIS choice and then he can live with consequences of doing so.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Apr 10, 2014 7:41:53 GMT -5
Just so you know I go out on Sat nights when my pals are available.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 7:46:18 GMT -5
Which means what?
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The Captain
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Hugs are good...
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Post by The Captain on Apr 10, 2014 7:52:44 GMT -5
Captain, do you even realize or care that I am devastated and broken right now. I will be married for 23 years in June. He has gone on business travels for months on end, he eats and goes out with vendors a lot and GASP he goes out with women all the time. Do you think that I don't know this. BUT at this point he doesn't get to evade questions in my opinion, I have NEVER accepted a drink from another man that I did not know, and I sure as HECK would not then invite them to have a chat with me seeing as I am married. Who does that? I don't. He is putting me through hell right now, then acted like it was this huge imposition when I asked if they joined him and his friend. NO THAT IS NOT COOL. He doesn't get to act like he is single right now because he isn't. So you are on ignore now because I really don't think you care about the gravity of my situation right now as others have. You don't seem to understand or care the pain I am in and I don't know why or really care at this point because you seem to be determined to be mean to me. Go kick someone else while they are down. I'm not kicking anyone, and believe me could have been harsh (my post IMHO wasn't at all). You don't like what you hear so you put someone on ignore - over that harmless post? You are totally out of control. But as you said, you can't seem to handle any truth but what you want to be your own so you won't even see this. Someone who was actually trying to help, instead of just enabling...
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 7:55:17 GMT -5
There is a point to stop engaging in the battle. Be who you are. Enjoy life. If he wishes to stay with you and you with him, then put down the hammers. If he won't, then you can't make him. You can only continue going about your life in a way that makes you happy. You can't force him to see eye to eye with you. But, keeping up the "rip his head off" mentality is only going to hurt you , not him. And, being defensive only hurts you, not him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 10, 2014 7:55:45 GMT -5
Find some groups and get more active in them. DF likes the fact that I don't rely on him for my entire life. I tell him the stuff I did all day and he tells me the same and it isn't the laundry, the babysitting, the general boring daily crap. It's that I had lunch at a new place and we need to try it for dinner. That I went shooting and talked to the new instructor and he wants us to try the outdoor range with new stuff. He knows I HATE BB but I know he HATES hockey. We go to games for each other. Develop some fun interests and talk about them. Make some date nights. Cook some fun meals. I am FUN to be around and I try very hard even when I am sad to stay FUN for him. Am I always UP? No, but he was married to a depressed SAHM and he hated coming home to her so simply didnt.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 8:05:19 GMT -5
In my marriage, I have learned that you do need to create a pleasant, warm home environment. We both were the most unhappy when we both began demanding our 'rights". Part of marriage is serving each other. Picking each other up. Making home a refuge and not another battle ground. We are all stressed and tired and weary from the world. We don't need more demands and expectations heaped on each other's heads. Try to decompress. Try a softer approach and see what happens. Plan to go to a movie and keep the conversation light. How do you know where that will lead until you try? Keeping up the BATTLE will not change it. If you try and it doesn't work out and he doesn't respond, then you have your answer. But, trying takes time as well. One movie won't change the tone. It took time for us to change the Tone of our home and we did.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 8:14:12 GMT -5
I am the LAST person in the world to be giving marriage advice, so I won't even try, but I do want to comment on the opposite sex friends thing. Nearly all my close (non-internet) friends are guys. I think of them all as brothers and except for a little when I was younger, these relationships don't even involve innocent flirting. We're truly JUST FRIENDS. When I first married my second husband he was really bent out of shape about one of these friendships and it created a lot of tension so I broke off talking to him for the sake of the marriage, but I'll tell you what, it really is annoying having someone suspicious of your friendships. I get to go bury one of my guy friends this morning. We were friends for 20 years and there was always "talk" about us, but the only time I even kissed him was at his wedding and his wife of maybe 2 hours was right there. We were both drunk off our asses, and I'm not even sure who initiated it, but everyone knew it was all in fun.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 10, 2014 8:24:29 GMT -5
nutty, when you bring personal matters to the forum you're going to get comments you don't like. That's a reality and it's not going to change. The only way to get around it is to avoid bringing personal matters to the forum. I'm not trying to dissuade you from discussing what's bothering you, but to get you to realize that when you do, there will be a price to pay. That said, you strike me as a very emotional person. My opinion in this regard is based on having followed topics brought up by you over a pretty good period of time. As long as your emotions are in total control, logic takes a back seat. When that happens, the outcome is often less than desirable. Suggestions have been made, but you're on a roller coaster because your emotions are in control. It's hard to make suggestions to someone on such a roller coaster. A suggestion made at the top of the hill isn't going to fit well when the poster getting the suggestion is at the bottom of the hill. That's what's happening here. I told you, if I recall, that if your husband wants a divorce he needs to be told to go get one. You, then, need to go about your business rather than begging, pleading, crying, and creating more drama. While I understand that such a statement from your DH will cause you grief, you cannot change what he is going to do. The only one who can is him. He can only destroy you if you let him destroy you. If you give him his leash and let him handle it, he can either lead himself to happiness or strangle himself on the fence. You will never do either for him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 10, 2014 8:25:00 GMT -5
Nutty, I get that your heart is breaking. I feel for you, I really do. Most of us have been there at one time or another. The end will be what it will be, divorce or not divorce. Its the process that's the killer but either way, you are going to have to deal with it. Stiff upper lip and a smile on your face while your insides are crumbling, think poker face, is the classiest way to handle it. All your tears do is let him have the upper hand in F ing with you. Right before the divorce was final, my ex was begging me to come back. I had moved out already and was making a new life for myself and people were telling him they'd seen me out and about. He couldn't stand the idea that I wasn't sitting home while he "catted" around then coming home to an angry/tearful woman. That gave him POWER over me. No one will EVER have that power over me again.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 8:28:07 GMT -5
Yes. We only want you to see that you are allowing yourself to be an emotional hostage. Just let it go. Be your best self. Go about living your life in ways that make you happy. HE will come along for the ride or he won't. You can't make him do anything one way or the other. And, trying to guilt induce him or catch him doing something wrong only serves to make you more miserable. I hope you understand where we are coming from. We truly want to help.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 8:30:49 GMT -5
Well said, ladies!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 10, 2014 11:32:27 GMT -5
Apparently it was a guy that gave him a rose. He said he came up to him and said something ( I can't remember what now) and H just said thank you. Also in the same sentence he said two girls sent over drinks to the guy and H. I stewed on that for the whole night. This morning I asked if he engaged the women in conversation and he rolled his eyes, I was so mad. As far as I am concerned in the eyes of the law and in MY eyes we are still married, how dare he roll his eyes at me like I am the one being freaking given drinks by men. This is getting ridiculous and very, very insulting to me now. Ever though he is unhappy because he is gay?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 11:34:48 GMT -5
D'oh!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 10, 2014 11:39:12 GMT -5
Captain, do you even realize or care that I am devastated and broken right now. I will be married for 23 years in June. He has gone on business travels for months on end, he eats and goes out with vendors a lot and GASP he goes out with women all the time. Do you think that I don't know this. BUT at this point he doesn't get to evade questions in my opinion, I have NEVER accepted a drink from another man that I did not know, and I sure as HECK would not then invite them to have a chat with me seeing as I am married. Who does that? I don't. He is putting me through hell right now, then acted like it was this huge imposition when I asked if they joined him and his friend. NO THAT IS NOT COOL. He doesn't get to act like he is single right now because he isn't. So you are on ignore now because I really don't think you care about the gravity of my situation right now as others have. You don't seem to understand or care the pain I am in and I don't know why or really care at this point because you seem to be determined to be mean to me. Go kick someone else while they are down. You go girl! Captain is the man. You should put all of them on ignore now because they will never get it. They are kings of the world, don't you know? You have one excepting drinks from strangers. I have to process it in my head. It is spinning now. I want to choke someone...
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 10, 2014 11:41:16 GMT -5
Ever though he is unhappy because he is gay? *snort* No, it is not funny! Accepting rose from a guy? Realizing you are not happy in your marriage, acting like an ass...because change is too drastic. A lot of men nowadays realizing they aren't happy because of who they are...nothing haha about it.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 10, 2014 12:32:57 GMT -5
Getting a rose from a guy? Sorry, but I can't imagine DH getting a rose from a guy and then coming home to say "oh here this is for you, some guy gave it to me". Most likely he would look at the guy with a blank look and say no thanks or toss it. Or, maybe he really is telling you something. Who knows.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 12:36:22 GMT -5
It's just a weird story, period. Guy gives him a flower and girls buy him drinks??! I thought he was going there to talk about a job prospect?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 10, 2014 12:59:42 GMT -5
I hope we will soon find out. So far my heart is bleeding for nutty Embrace yourself, girl. Things don't look too good but I am still standing on gotta leave for a short time and give him all the space he needs. He might going to realize he misses you OR he is going to do something stupid and you will be free sooner. Should I mention cameras?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Apr 10, 2014 13:00:30 GMT -5
Naggie? I don't know if what you post here is an over-dramatization of your life or not, but if it isn't? You are letting people use you completely up. I mean this with all the kindness and empathy my heart can muster (even though it's not going to sound like it), you need to stop with the "I'm broken" stuff. You aren't broken. You may be a bit bowed, but you are not broken. That type of over-dramatization will only help you convince yourself that you are.
You seem like a kind and loving woman but I don't think you are getting back what you give - not from one dang person you care about. Kick his ass out - at least until he can figure out what his problem is and deals with it. Separations don't necessarily have to be forever. People have advised you to get a job, seek out relationships, etc. Do it. Don't wait until tomorrow and you certainly don't wait until your husband decides what he wants. Screw him. There is a life out there for you, but nobody can get that for you but you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 10, 2014 13:51:27 GMT -5
HE doesn't have to leave. SHE has no money except for what he gives her. While she looks for a job and a place to live, she needs to get counseling, a lawyer, and squirrel away some money.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Apr 10, 2014 14:00:19 GMT -5
HE doesn't have to leave. SHE has no money except for what he gives her. While she looks for a job and a place to live, she needs to get counseling, a lawyer, and squirrel away some money. This is true... both of them actually have a right to be there. I am not an attorney but I don't believe you can MAKE a person leave a property that belongs to them... I feel terrible for her situation. It is a situation I wish to never be in. This is why women have to maintain their work skills, have some money of their own, etc. If it were me I would pack my shit up and leave his ass. It would be fine by me if he was refusing to leave. She doesn't seem to want to give him the satisfaction of having her leave first. I am not really sure why she cares. If someone was treating me like dirt I am out ... I am not sure how she is WINNING by continuing to stay there. I would rather go sleep on a park bench.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 10, 2014 14:09:45 GMT -5
HE doesn't have to leave. SHE has no money except for what he gives her. While she looks for a job and a place to live, she needs to get counseling, a lawyer, and squirrel away some money. This is true... both of them actually have a right to be there. I am not an attorney but I don't believe you can MAKE a person leave a property that belongs to them... I feel terrible for her situation. It is a situation I wish to never be in. This is why women have to maintain their work skills, have some money of their own, etc. If it were me I would pack my shit up and leave his ass. It would be fine by me if he was refusing to leave. She doesn't seem to want to give him the satisfaction of having her leave first. I am not really sure why she cares. If someone was treating me like dirt I am out ... I am not sure how she is WINNING by continuing to stay there. I would rather go sleep on a park bench. just to be me...have you ever slept on park bench? not to be funny but because what you post situation?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2014 21:47:30 GMT -5
Nutty, do you have access to the money to pay first/last/deposit on an apartment?
Do you want to be married or divorced? You swing back and forth so it is hard to tell. It is a decision you must make. Decide he is being a midlife idiot and work to recover your relationship. Or decide you rather be single and ask him to leave.
BK in the middle of all this is messy. How long has that been going on and when does it get to the end?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 12, 2014 6:24:01 GMT -5
I get that you don't want to get a job and support yourself but you may have to anyway. Alimony is only good if you actually get awarded it and the collect it. Take this time to work on yourself and leave him alone. Stop pestering him and take care of yourself.
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