NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,216
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 18, 2014 9:46:52 GMT -5
I could easily fall into it, but dealing with other people's drama is waaaaay too much work for me.The best adivce that someone gave me back when problems arose with EX was "stop being a sponge" I was soaking up all his problems and not taking care of myself and son. It hit home and I have never forgotten it. Not saying I can't empathize or feel concern but the sponge in me is gone... Does this make sense to anyone but me
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:47:45 GMT -5
Nope. It makes perfect sense to me! ETA: Their problems are not my problems. I will be a sounding board but I am not going to fix it for them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,085
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 18, 2014 9:49:49 GMT -5
Not saying I can't empathize or feel concern but the sponge in me is gone... Does this make sense to anyone but me
No it totally makes sense. Not being co-dependent doesn't mean you don't care about other people, including those who sucked you in to begin with. It just means you've recognized where the line is at and when you crossed over.
It breaks my heart that my former BFF is in the same shape he was in high school, worse to be honest. I'm really hoping that someday he'll wake up before he ends up dead. But that doesn't mean I need to turn my home into a half way house.
I love my brother, he's my brother, but I don't need to become his bank. I can't stop my parents from screwing up their finances bailing him out but that doesn't mean I need to go along for the ride.
I love DH but the fact that he is a former addict is his burden to bear, he has to own the choices he made. I can't take on his problems and manage them for him.
I'm also willing to help, but only those who help themselves. I bent over backwards to help DH and work on our marriage but t that is because he recognizes he has a problem and is/was willing to jump thru whatever hoops he has to prove to me it won't happen again.
I won't help my brother because he's still blaming the entire world for his problems. I'd be happy to pull some strings at a place I used to work as a server to get him a line job, but I'm not putting my reputation on the line as it currently stands. If he cleans his attitude up then I'll consider it.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:51:44 GMT -5
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 11:11:53 GMT -5
I learned about something called "learned helplessness" a while back when I was doing some reading. I realized at some point that this had happened to me. I honestly didn't believe I could fix my life. I wanted to, but I didn't really believe that I could. Then I watched DS try to work on something with me and he did his usual, "I don't know how to do this. I can't do it." It makes me SO VERY angry that he just gives up and assumes he can't do things. He is a great looking, very tall, smart, likeable guy. He just gives up and plays the victim. Milee once told me to stop playing the victim and it completely pissed me off. However, it was FANTASTIC advice. Every time we revert back to that usual mantra at our house about "not being able to do something" I remind my kids that is when you look for for more answers and keep going until the problem is solved. This is a large part of why I am having DS help me fix my car. I am having him do all of the "man" work and he is learning that with a bit of YouTube and reading anything is possible! It's not about the car at all. I overheard him talking to a friend yesterday telling him how badly he wants to drive and get a job so that he can move out and find a girlfriend. SCORE! MPL - You can do this. It sucks. We all agree about that. But you can't see yourself as the victim of your ex-DH's mental illness and issues. It is his battle to fight.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2014 11:38:06 GMT -5
Nope, it does not make you a bad person to recognize your limits and weaknesses either. I was a GAL to older kids, those already removed from their homes. Why? Because I couldn't deal with the crap that caused them to be removed and then put back into the homes constantly. Do you know how bad it is for CPS to actually be forced to do something? Pretty bad. But back those victims go to be abused and used again. That's the "system." And I can't handle it. I watched my DDs K teacher have a nervous breakdown and have to quit teaching because she couldn't handle the horrible things/problems her little students were telling her and she couldn't fix it, either. When I had students start to tell me their problems I INSTANTLY sent them to the counselor. Why? Because I can't fix it and I'm not trained to divorce myself emotionally from them. So I don't even try because it'd make me ill inside. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. Self preservation is a mighty instinct. One I lost for many years.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 11:42:39 GMT -5
When i was teaching special ed and working with kids from some really dysfunctional backgrounds, i used to say that teaching personal responsiblity is a double edged sword. You need to teach kids at the same time to be responsible for themselves... and that they are NOT responsible for a lot of the everything else that they often have to deal with. Its a hard balance, understanding what are your choices and options, what is your responsiblity and what is someone elses.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2014 12:27:18 GMT -5
Yes and when you have a 5 year old sobbing and begging to come home with you and not have to get on that bus to return to a hell hole, it's easy to remember your "boundaries."
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 12:34:51 GMT -5
How heartbreaking! I think that is another thing people don't think about before they go into teaching.
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raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,011
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 18, 2014 13:21:26 GMT -5
When i was teaching special ed and working with kids from some really dysfunctional backgrounds, i used to say that teaching personal responsiblity is a double edged sword. You need to teach kids at the same time to be responsible for themselves... and that they are NOT responsible for a lot of the everything else that they often have to deal with. Its a hard balance, understanding what are your choices and options, what is your responsiblity and what is someone elses. I'm going to have to steal this and read it about a 1000 times...
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