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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 9, 2014 13:45:12 GMT -5
Personally, after reading your last few posts, I can't blame YOU for poor picking at all! Your first husband changed his mind out of the blue all on his own and your second has an unfortunate mental illness. One that you clearly didn't know about in the beginning. Bottom line is, tell yourself whatever you need to to get through this and make yourself feel better but I don't see how you could have prevented either one of these situations... There were significant signs. She chose to ignore them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 13:46:59 GMT -5
To be honest, I wasn't totally keen on the idea of marriage when it was presented to me but he was a Catholic and it was super important to him. Plus, we both wanted a child and I was 39 so the clock was ticking there. Didn't he also pull back from all physical activities until marriage? IMO, that's almost like blackmail....here's a sample of what I've got, but you can't get any more until you marry me. Yes. That was cruel and unusual punishment in my book. Best sex life ever for over a year and then we get engaged, he talks to his priest, and suddenly we need to remain chaste. He was unbreakable too.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 9, 2014 13:48:32 GMT -5
I think a lot of people take more credit for their good luck than they should, and you are taking too much credit for your bad luck. We can't forecast everything. We make the best choices we can with the information we have available to us at the time.
Read books, do some introspection, if there are improvements you want to make in yourself absolutely work toward them. (I think applying for that job would be a great first step!) But don't beat yourself up for things that you don't have control over like other people changing.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 9, 2014 13:51:46 GMT -5
To be honest, I wasn't totally keen on the idea of marriage when it was presented to me but he was a Catholic and it was super important to him. Plus, we both wanted a child and I was 39 so the clock was ticking there. Didn't he also pull back from all physical activities until marriage? IMO, that's almost like blackmail....here's a sample of what I've got, but you can't get any more until you marry me. Yes. That was cruel and unusual punishment in my book. Best sex life ever for over a year and then we get engaged, he talks to his priest, and suddenly we need to remain chaste. He was unbreakable too. I always thought that this was a pretty shitty thing to do. If the BOTH of you made this decision to be chaste after talking with the priest, then that was one thing. But he made a unilateral decision that affected YOUR emotional health, and used it to his benefit.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 14:15:06 GMT -5
Yes. That was cruel and unusual punishment in my book. Best sex life ever for over a year and then we get engaged, he talks to his priest, and suddenly we need to remain chaste. He was unbreakable too. I always thought that this was a pretty shitty thing to do. If the BOTH of you made this decision to be chaste after talking with the priest, then that was one thing. But he made a unilateral decision that affected YOUR emotional health, and used it to his benefit. It sucked, but I wrote it off as romantic and figured if he felt that strongly about marriage and religion then I wouldn't ever have to worry about him coming home and saying he found someone else and was leaving...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 9, 2014 14:20:09 GMT -5
While there may have been signs, you couldn't have predicted quite how far out into the deep end he would go. Nobody expects what happened with your spouse to happen.
I knew DH was an addict, he's always been 100% upfront about it. But I was still surprised when he relapsed.
The trick is once it happens you protect yourself from getting caught up in again. I can't control if DH relapses again but I CAN control how I handle the situation should it arise.
That's where you're at. You couldn't have predicted how this would turn out, but you CAN make sure you never get yourself caught up in it again.
Hopefully he'll get his act together, stay on his meds and never lose it again, but you can't control that. You can only control how you handle him and your relationship with him from this point forward.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 9, 2014 14:28:35 GMT -5
Please remember that this is not a situation where I got knocked up in a drunken one night stand and now have to deal with the ass hole sperm donor. There is a lot of history and emotion involved. We were a family. It was him and I against the world for years. He is very sad now. He misses his family and he's so lost. No, I'm not cracking and welcoming him home. Mental illness or not, he made some bad choices and like Alice in Wonderland, I took the blue pill and there's no going back. But I still cry when I write this. He has a beautiful heart. It's his brain that's a bit defective. Mpl, I understand. I've lived it. However, there comes a time when stuff happens and we have to deal with it, whether we want to, or not. It's sad, it's frustrating, and it's downright infuriating, but it's real and it's life. You don't like to be the one to lay down ground rules, but that's something you're going to have to do and the best time to start is right now. It's not easy, it's not fun. It's necessary. Cry when you need to cry. Then, when you've cried it out for the current time, buck up and make headway. That's really all you can do. You have two boys who need you to be strong and decisive. Now, it's you and them against the world, in a way.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 9, 2014 14:29:59 GMT -5
MPL - You can fix it by reading CoDependent No More. Ha! Just ordered that this morning along with "Heal Your Headache" (seriously) Maybe they're related. Wunnerful! Haven't read "Heal Your Headache" but I can sure vouch for "Codependent No More"!
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 9, 2014 16:13:37 GMT -5
MPL Life is seriously throwing you some curveballs. Stay strong...this too shall pass
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 9, 2014 16:16:51 GMT -5
The minute you stop thinking a man will solve all your problems is the minute you begin to heal.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 18:14:03 GMT -5
The minute you stop thinking a man will solve all your problems is the minute you begin to heal. So, you're saying that looking around this court ordered parenting class for people in divorce and thinking "there's a lot of eligible guys here" is a bad thing? Just kidding!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 9, 2014 18:18:04 GMT -5
People are divorced for good reasons. Sometimes you're at fault and sometimes the other person is but all need to fix what's wrong with themselves or you are doomed to do the same old shit all over again. Everyone I know that married the first person who looked wide at them after their divorce is unhappily married. Some will stick it out because its better than being alone. I don't agree.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 9, 2014 18:37:41 GMT -5
Everyone I know that married the first person who looked wide at them after their divorce is unhappily married. I'm the only other person my H has dated besides his first wife. We're edging up to 10 years, so.... I think we're doing ok.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 9, 2014 18:58:36 GMT -5
It CAN happen but I know I would have been very unhappy had I let my lack of self esteem manage my love life.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Apr 9, 2014 19:44:55 GMT -5
The minute you stop thinking a man will solve all your problems is the minute you begin to heal. So, you're saying that looking around this court ordered parenting class for people in divorce and thinking "there's a lot of eligible guys here" is a bad thing? Just kidding! The half way house is where it's at!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 21:51:48 GMT -5
So, you're saying that looking around this court ordered parenting class for people in divorce and thinking "there's a lot of eligible guys here" is a bad thing? Just kidding! The half way house is where it's at!!! Interesting bunch, but most of them are unemployed. I have standards! LOL
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 21:57:45 GMT -5
Well, I was dreading starting this class, but it was actually kind of interesting. I went through it years ago, but first ex and I were already at divorce utopia as far as getting along and didn't really get anything out of it. About all we did was made fun of the videos. This time stuff hit home a lot more and I stayed after and talked to some people about my situation and got them digging into resources. I was hoping to be able to talk to the judge too but she left early (and she kind of scared me a little anyhow!).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 16:36:15 GMT -5
MPL - You can fix it by reading CoDependent No More. Got the book yesterday. Y'all never mentioned that codependent = manipulative, angry, control freak.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 23:03:26 GMT -5
MPL - You can fix it by reading CoDependent No More. Got the book yesterday. Y'all never mentioned that codependent = manipulative, angry, control freak. Honestly, take it a chapter at a time. It's not a quick read. One of the biggest things I got out of the book is that there are things that happen in your childhood that change how you look at and function in later life. Sometimes these things are wrong, and if you can change how you react to things then your life improves. There is also a part in there about not doing something you resent for someone else and then playing the martyr. My kids hate this chapter because I stopped doing things I don't want to do. If DS doesn't clean the kitchen, then I don't cook. I am not cleaning it and resenting him the whole time. I just don't do it. No one will die from hunger. If they leave crap on the floor or make a mess, I no longer clean it up so there won't be an argument or other BS, I make them do it. Other people push back when you start to get stronger but it helps over the longer haul.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Apr 17, 2014 5:53:25 GMT -5
Isn't your appointment with your attorney today? If so, good luck.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 17, 2014 7:08:04 GMT -5
I'm sure HE didn't. No matter what form it took.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Apr 17, 2014 11:31:27 GMT -5
I always thought that this was a pretty shitty thing to do. If the BOTH of you made this decision to be chaste after talking with the priest, then that was one thing. But he made a unilateral decision that affected YOUR emotional health, and used it to his benefit. Very manipulative tactic too...you can't wave the BS flag on doing things for religious reasons very easily. But it's pretty harsh to cut yourself off from sex too So you *have to put out regardless just because you've had sex in the past? I have a feeling if the woman decided she didn't want to have sex anymore, people would insist its her right to say no. It really shouldn't matter why. Either party is free to move on.
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Apr 17, 2014 11:38:53 GMT -5
I think a lot of people take more credit for their good luck than they should, and you are taking too much credit for your bad luck. We can't forecast everything. We make the best choices we can with the information we have available to us at the time. Read books, do some introspection, if there are improvements you want to make in yourself absolutely work toward them. (I think applying for that job would be a great first step!) But don't beat yourself up for things that you don't have control over like other people changing. This is a great comment, Raeoflyte. I totally agree. Plus, we all start out young and inexperienced. We get smarter via the mistakes we make. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made, but learn from them.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 17, 2014 12:39:29 GMT -5
So you *have to put out regardless just because you've had sex in the past? I have a feeling if the woman decided she didn't want to have sex anymore, people would insist its her right to say no. It really shouldn't matter why.
Either party is free to move on.
I don't think it is as simple as this. If you have a physical relationship with another person for an extended period of time and that person makes the unilateral decision that there will be no more sex until marriage, then it IS manipulative...especially if it forces someone to make the decision about marriage when they are on the fence about it. Yes, they are free to walk away but it doesn't make it any less manipulative. Especially when you use the church as an excuse.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 13:52:42 GMT -5
Got the book yesterday. Y'all never mentioned that codependent = manipulative, angry, control freak. Honestly, take it a chapter at a time. It's not a quick read. One of the biggest things I got out of the book is that there are things that happen in your childhood that change how you look at and function in later life. Sometimes these things are wrong, and if you can change how you react to things then your life improves. There is also a part in there about not doing something you resent for someone else and then playing the martyr. My kids hate this chapter because I stopped doing things I don't want to do. If DS doesn't clean the kitchen, then I don't cook. I am not cleaning it and resenting him the whole time. I just don't do it. No one will die from hunger. If they leave crap on the floor or make a mess, I no longer clean it up so there won't be an argument or other BS, I make them do it. Other people push back when you start to get stronger but it helps over the longer haul. OMG. I just finished Part 1 and now I'm convinced I'm the most codependent person on the planet! Seriously. WTH? Three days ago I didn't even know what the word meant. Every example that she clarified as "extreme" was me. Every point on every checklist, gets a big hell yeah, (well, not the sex ones, and I don't spend money compulsively) I'm a mess. One checklist item was "grew up in a dysfunctional family". I thought no to that one, then the next item was "denies growing up in a dysfunctional family". It made me chuckle.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 13:54:10 GMT -5
HA! Glad to hear it's helping!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 13:57:13 GMT -5
HA! Glad to hear it's helping! I'm not sure it helped. Now I feel like there's something wrong with me. I swear I didn't used to be like this. It just...happened.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 17, 2014 13:59:42 GMT -5
I can function and cope with this dysfunction. I don't need to trade it for an unknown.
I can do social politeness with a couple of azhat rellies but not much more. Limiting time with them is the best healing for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:02:04 GMT -5
Can't fix a problem until you acknowledge there's something wrong. You're changing in the other direction without even knowing it (yet).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:02:11 GMT -5
HA! Glad to hear it's helping! I'm not sure it helped. Now I feel like there's something wrong with me. I swear I didn't used to be like this. It just...happened. Now they will charge you to fix you. Just like those computer viruses that break your computer and then charge you to fix it.
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