Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 18, 2014 8:07:15 GMT -5
After hearing about someone in a very similar situation, I remembered the infamous Terri thread from the old boards and wondered if anyone knew what became of her. IIRC, some of the posters on that thread who are still here were thyme4change, NomoreDramaQ1015, swamp, @bunnysmom... I'm sure there were others but those are the only ones I remember. Do any of you guys know if she ever got out of there? I hope so.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 18, 2014 8:22:20 GMT -5
I remember that thread. I'm not sure that anyone was in contact with her. I sometimes wonder and worry about her too.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 18, 2014 8:41:51 GMT -5
I don't think she did because she didn't see a problem. Or at least wouldn't accept there was.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 18, 2014 8:45:04 GMT -5
IMO she definitely accepted that there was a problem, she just wasn't ready to take the necessary steps out of it yet. But I felt like she was getting there. I hope she moved on before he started really beating her or moved on to the kids
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 18, 2014 9:13:33 GMT -5
Me, too. That was the first thread that I actually felt like getting into my car and rescuing someone.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 18, 2014 9:15:22 GMT -5
But you have to recognize there's a problem and want help solving it. Not just vent about it again and again. Speaking of which, a former poster who was found out to be lying because she was on another forum and told the truth, did she ever go back to the forum she was telling the truth on? Who was the poster who called her out? She would know.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 18, 2014 9:16:31 GMT -5
That thread was very educational for me. Prior to reading it I really didn't understand DV and why the victims wouldn't "just leave." It really opened my eyes and in retrospect I'm kind of glad I wasn't around to post on it at the time. Nothing about my judgmental 22 year old outlook would have been particularly helpful.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 18, 2014 9:20:20 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 18, 2014 9:24:53 GMT -5
*hugs zib*
You gave her some good advice on that thread too. I remember now (I knew I was forgetting people).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2014 9:31:44 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF? Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..."
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Mar 18, 2014 9:33:47 GMT -5
IMO she definitely accepted that there was a problem, she just wasn't ready to take the necessary steps out of it yet. But I felt like she was getting there. I hope she moved on before he started really beating her or moved on to the kids No, she thought the problem was money and the house. Not that her husband was a useless and abusive ass wipe. She wasn't connecting the issues with her kids to the dysfunction in her marriage. For a social worker, she had a serious lackof insight.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 18, 2014 9:37:29 GMT -5
At first she thought that but as the thread went on and she laid out more of her situation, the lightbulb started to come on. I wouldn't expect anyone in that kind of situation for 21 years to suddenly and completely come to the realization that her life was dysfunctional within a few weeks. She was getting there.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 18, 2014 10:04:37 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF? Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." I know I've said that... A lot actually. Which I regret because I finally get it. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 18, 2014 10:05:50 GMT -5
We suggested that she see a therapist.
He was the house painter with some kind of addiction (I think pot and booze but I could be wrong) and they had 2 kids and 2 houses on adjoining lots. He was supposed to be fixing up one to rent/sell and when he'd be pissed, sometimes he'd go over and trash the place. She was really focused on wanting 1 of the house because it had a bigger lot or something, for the kids to play in. And the kids were showing reactive signs about his yelling/throwing things.
ETA - I think she left because a couple of people told her to take it to the therapist, that we weren't qualified to help and she needed more help than the board was willing to provide. She was offended because at the same time that was being posted, some of us were trying to help her.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 18, 2014 11:00:43 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF? Another friend of mine dealt with this for years. She finally got out, and had things in place that her leaving went smoothly. I do remember thinking that if this could happen to an educated, professional woman, it can happen to anyone because none of us know what esteem issues each of us deal with. It really was eye opening for me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 18, 2014 12:54:19 GMT -5
Makes me shudder when I think of how I was.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Mar 18, 2014 15:37:41 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF? Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." It bothers me with other situations too. I admit to saying that about specific financial issues, etc. because I would never do that after watching what my mom did or went through. I've learned and know the signs, etc. of what not to do (or what to do) to those particular situations and am very vigilant in not putting myself in them too. But those that I'm not familiar with I would not want to have to eat my words about things I know nothing about nor would I want to tempt fate. Awww, Zib. (((Hugs))) What's important is you got out and learned from it and found a much better life!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 18, 2014 15:58:52 GMT -5
It happens so gradually. Like the frog in the boiling water scenario. Been there myself and now I look back and think WTF? Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Mar 18, 2014 16:06:58 GMT -5
Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Mar 18, 2014 16:24:20 GMT -5
Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand ExH never abused me physically. But emotionally he smothered me until I almost disappeared. It was so gradual that I didn't see it and I honestly believe that wasn't his intention.
But I came from an abusive household and I didn't recognize that it was just another person trying to control me, in a different way.
So many things I understood clearly-I only had to be a victim if I chose to as an adult-and yet it crept up on me.
So "I would never... intentionally let anyone treat me that way."
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Mar 18, 2014 16:39:27 GMT -5
Drives me nuts when people say "well, I would never..." I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand I have a strong personality so I find it extremely difficult to understand as well. When I was 16 yrs old I went out on ONE date with a guy who became possessive from the start. He was at my house and another boy called me and he flew into a rage. I ended that shit immediately. That being said... he was extremely transparent. There are men that aren't quite so obvious... the ones that scare the crap out of me are the Scott Peterson's of the world. Everything appears fine and then all of the sudden they decide to kill you one day...
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 18, 2014 16:56:56 GMT -5
I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand ExH never abused me physically. But emotionally he smothered me until I almost disappeared. It was so gradual that I didn't see it and I honestly believe that wasn't his intention.
But I came from an abusive household and I didn't recognize that it was just another person trying to control me, in a different way.
So many things I understood clearly-I only had to be a victim if I chose to as an adult-and yet it crept up on me.
So "I would never... intentionally let anyone treat me that way."
That I can agree with. I look at my best friend (though I'm pulling away from her). Her fiancé hit her just a few weeks ago. She actually said to me "things have been going so great, I can't believe he did this. He hasn't hit me in at least a year". What.the.fuck?? I look at her and want to shake some sense into her. I honestly don't understand.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 18, 2014 16:57:28 GMT -5
I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand Lol
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 18, 2014 16:58:46 GMT -5
I say that...but I honestly can't imagine EVER putting up with someone abusing me. I just don't. I am the first one to say that I don't understand someone else putting up with it because I really just don't. I also don't understand people not living within their means...there's a lot I don't understand I have a strong personality so I find it extremely difficult to understand as well. When I was 16 yrs old I went out on ONE date with a guy who became possessive from the start. He was at my house and another boy called me and he flew into a rage. I ended that shit immediately. That being said... he was extremely transparent. There are men that aren't quite so obvious... the ones that scare the crap out of me are the Scott Peterson's of the world. Everything appears fine and then all of the sudden they decide to kill you one day... That is me. I have a very strong personality so it is beyond comprehension to me. But I've also heard if women who I also considered very strong that were victims of domestic violence. People I would never expect to ever put up with it.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Mar 18, 2014 17:30:51 GMT -5
Ms. T, no disrespect, but from what you have shared about your early life, you were abused, but you recognized it, so you know not to let anyone treat you in such a way in your adult life. I greatly admire how you have pulled yourself up by the boot straps and stopped the circle of a dysfunctional family. Those of us that have either been subjected to a dysfunctional family/abuse sometimes don’t really understand that that type of life is not normal.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and never thought that I was/ would be abused; not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Guess what? I did fall into that trap and when I finally got my head out of the sand, I made a choice to never go through that again. Some people (like me) have harder heads than others and it takes awhile to see the light.
I really do hope that her situation has changed and that she removed herself and the kids from the situation.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Mar 18, 2014 17:49:10 GMT -5
I have a strong personality so I find it extremely difficult to understand as well. When I was 16 yrs old I went out on ONE date with a guy who became possessive from the start. He was at my house and another boy called me and he flew into a rage. I ended that shit immediately. That being said... he was extremely transparent. There are men that aren't quite so obvious... the ones that scare the crap out of me are the Scott Peterson's of the world. Everything appears fine and then all of the sudden they decide to kill you one day... That is me. I have a very strong personality so it is beyond comprehension to me. But I've also heard if women who I also considered very strong that were victims of domestic violence. People I would never expect to ever put up with it.And there I am. I am very strong. But I didn't recognize how I was being smothered. Strike me once and I will walk away. Verbally abuse me and I'm out of here. But to gradually withdraw from the world and take me with you? I didn't see it for a long, long time.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Mar 18, 2014 18:00:40 GMT -5
Marlaky: But to gradually withdraw from the world and take me with you? I didn't see it for a long, long time.
So much this, I never thought that would happen to me.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 18, 2014 18:22:16 GMT -5
Ms. T, no disrespect, but from what you have shared about your early life, you were abused, but you recognized it, so you know not to let anyone treat you in such a way in your adult life. I greatly admire how you have pulled yourself up by the boot straps and stopped the circle of a dysfunctional family. Those of us that have either been subjected to a dysfunctional family/abuse sometimes don’t really understand that that type of life is not normal.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and never thought that I was/ would be abused; not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Guess what? I did fall into that trap and when I finally got my head out of the sand, I made a choice to never go through that again. Some people (like me) have harder heads than others and it takes awhile to see the light.
I really do hope that her situation has changed and that she removed herself and the kids from the situation.
I think you are confusing me with another poster. I was piss poor and my mother was a drunk but I as never abused. Neglected yes, but never abused. ETA: I really am not trying to be disrespectful to anyone in that situation. I honestly don't understand it . Kudos to all of you that realized you deserve better than that.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 18, 2014 18:22:27 GMT -5
Most abusers don't come out swinging on the first date. They can be very charming, considerate, and loving. It's a lot easier to rationalize someone else's abusive behavior when you're emotionally/financially/physically invested in the relationship, and abusers are very aware of this.
Also keep in mind that the "you" who says "I would never..." is not always the same person who actually puts up with the abuse. Months or years of very subtle psychological conditioning can change your threshold for certain behaviors.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Mar 18, 2014 18:34:55 GMT -5
Ms T.:I think you are confusing me with another poster. I was piss poor and my mother was a drunk but I as never abused. Neglected yes, but never abused. Yea, I suck at doing quotes.
I'm not confusing you with another poster, I just equate neglected with abuse. I think that it is just because I had a similar upbringing, and "I" consider the neglect that I went through as abuse.
My apologies.
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