NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,086
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2014 14:07:08 GMT -5
Anyone can get sucked into a co-dependent relationship. It's not something that happens over night. You adjust slowly to your new normal and then wonder WTF just happened here?
The second part of the book is learning how to deal with it and avoid it happening again. You CAN empower yourself and avoid ever being put in this position again.
|
|
greeniis10
Well-Known Member
Joined: May 9, 2012 12:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,834
|
Post by greeniis10 on Apr 17, 2014 14:07:20 GMT -5
MPL, clearly YOU are not a mess, but your life may feeli like it right now. It's great that you're reading that book, but don't let it convince you you are "worse" than you really are. We can ALL fit in those catagories in one way or another.
Anyway, stick with it and be grateful that you will learn to become a NON co-dependent while you aren't currently in a relationship. I changed my co-dependency ways about 4 years into my current marriage and while it's been great for ME DH isn't too happy about it. Nothing further on that subject as I don't want to hi-jack your thread. Just wanted to give you a few positive words and encouragement!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:12:31 GMT -5
MPL, clearly YOU are not a mess, but your life may feeli like it right now. It's great that you're reading that book, but don't let it convince you you are "worse" than you really are. We can ALL fit in those catagories in one way or another. Anyway, stick with it and be grateful that you will learn to become a NON co-dependent while you aren't currently in a relationship. I changed my co-dependency ways about 4 years into my current marriage and while it's been great for ME DH isn't too happy about it. Nothing further on that subject as I don't want to hi-jack your thread. Just wanted to give you a few positive words and encouragement! Hey, it's not my thread, it's Teri's!
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 17, 2014 14:16:01 GMT -5
HA! Glad to hear it's helping! I'm not sure it helped. Now I feel like there's something wrong with me. I swear I didn't used to be like this. It just...happened. Then it's helping. I think you are starting to see yourself with a different set of eyes...more like what everyone else sees. Once you realize that there is another way you are perceived, then you are more cognizant of ways to change.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:42:21 GMT -5
I'm not sure it helped. Now I feel like there's something wrong with me. I swear I didn't used to be like this. It just...happened. Then it's helping. I think you are starting to see yourself with a different set of eyes...more like what everyone else sees. Once you realize that there is another way you are perceived, then you are more cognizant of ways to change. I'm seeing pathetic. Lots and lots of pathetic.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:43:01 GMT -5
I'm not sure it helped. Now I feel like there's something wrong with me. I swear I didn't used to be like this. It just...happened. Now they will charge you to fix you. Just like those computer viruses that break your computer and then charge you to fix it. Like a chiropractor!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,086
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2014 14:45:28 GMT -5
It's embarrassing to realize you've become co-dependent. We all like to think we'd be smart enough to recognize it before it happens. You're going to feel like an idiot at first.
But you pick yourself up and learn from your mistakes. The point of the exercise is not to beat yourself up. It's to accept, no matter how unpleasant it is, this part of you exists and learn to manage it.
When you learn to manage it you won't be "pathetic" anymore. You'll be empowered.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:53:34 GMT -5
I swear, I used to be the opposite. All through my 20's, life was about me only. I mean I loved my family, but no boyfriends until I was 23 and most things I did were alone and about me, I didn't care what others thought, mainly I avoided people. Besides work and school I was into showing my horses and working out mostly.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 14:54:56 GMT -5
It's embarrassing to realize you've become co-dependent. We all like to think we'd be smart enough to recognize it before it happens. You're going to feel like an idiot at first. But you pick yourself up and learn from your mistakes. The point of the exercise is not to beat yourself up. It's to accept, no matter how unpleasant it is, this part of you exists and learn to manage it. When you learn to manage it you won't be "pathetic" anymore. You'll be empowered. Exactly. This is why I suggested a chapter at a time. It takes time to digest the material and be honest with yourself. I use the AA thing about the first step being that you recognize you have a problem. Feel positive about that! If you use the advise in the book you can expect other people to push back to your new strength. Let them, but don't give in. Over time it becomes easier because they realize you are staying where you are.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,086
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 17, 2014 14:59:01 GMT -5
If you were the opposite before, you can be the opposite again.
People who suck you into a co-dependent void are very good at what they do. Have you ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy? If the husband had started out crazy Julia Roberts would have ran for the hills and the movie would have been over before it started.
Instead it's like putting a frog in a skillet and slowly turning up the heat, by the time you realize what is going on you're cooked.
When it's a family member or your spouse these people know you inside and out, they know exactly what buttons to push before you're even aware of what happened.
What you need to learn are what your buttons are and how to stop them from being pushed. I tend to be a rescuer, which in moderation is a good thing. But when you have someone like my brother who knows all my triggers it can be a trap. I have to remind myself I can't save him from himself and to be as DH puts it a "cynical asshole".
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 15:05:59 GMT -5
If you were the opposite before, you can be the opposite again. People who suck you into a co-dependent void are very good at what they do. Have you ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy? If the husband had started out crazy Julia Roberts would have ran for the hills and the movie would have been over before it started. Instead it's like putting a frog in a skillet and slowly turning up the heat, by the time you realize what is going on you're cooked. When it's a family member or your spouse these people know you inside and out, they know exactly what buttons to push before you're even aware of what happened. What you need to learn are what your buttons are and how to stop them from being pushed. I tend to be a rescuer, which in moderation is a good thing. But when you have someone like my brother who knows all my triggers it can be a trap. I have to remind myself I can't save him from himself and to be as DH puts it a "cynical asshole".I sat my 21 year old son down and told him that his life and figuring it out is his problem. He would complain that he wants a new game to play - not my problem, what are you going to do to buy one yourself? He wanted his hair cut, sucks to be you - how are you going to make some money to do that.... On and on and finally one day he decided that it really is his job to fix things. I provide advice and support as much as possible, but I am not fixing his life. He complains, but I ignore it. If he wants to have a hissy fit, then I go do something else or put on headphones. All I can say is this is WORKING! He is driving the effort to fix my car so he can get his license and get a job. He even might have one lined up. It's interesting how it has worked. All I know is that it completely does. My son of course thinks I am being a bitch. That's fine. Whatever works. The ends justify the means.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2014 6:15:38 GMT -5
A LOT of us have been there which is why we are supportive while we are also being tough. We know how it's going to go down which is why the warnings of ducks in a row and legal stuff done while he's still playing"nice." Even your waffling is part of the pattern. We recognize it and are warning you that although it is normal for YOU and this issue, it isn't going to end well for you if you keep on with it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 6:54:09 GMT -5
I swear, I used to be the opposite. All through my 20's, life was about me only. I mean I loved my family, but no boyfriends until I was 23 and most things I did were alone and about me, I didn't care what others thought, mainly I avoided people. Besides work and school I was into showing my horses and working out mostly. HOLY COW! That was me too. Hmmm....maybe there was something to me getting called an asshole.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2014 7:01:00 GMT -5
I think it's a normal passage but then sometimes we go too far the other way.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2014 7:02:26 GMT -5
But USERS find people to USE or they move onto another victim. People with low or zero self esteem find those to take advantage of that as well.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 7:05:06 GMT -5
I saw a meme earlier this week that said "when choosing whether to say yes or no, choose the one that brings peace". I don't normally say yes to something if it's going to stress me out. Now instead of looking at it like I'm being selfish for saying no, I'm going to look at it as being good to myself.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:22:54 GMT -5
LMAO!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:42:57 GMT -5
So this is probably a dumb question that was answered somewhere in the previous 28 pages but I've been curious about it...what does "co-dependant" mean? I can answer this!!! "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior"
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:43:52 GMT -5
Here ya go:
Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.
It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:46:17 GMT -5
It takes books to define, but basically, the dependent person in the relationship may be easy to identify, he/she is the one dependent on some internal psychosis or external addiction. But just because their dependency is more easily defined doesn't mean they are the only dependent ones in a relationship. Often the partner is by extension dependent... Consciously or unconsciously, overtly or subtly, they too rely upon the dysfunctional aspects, enabling, sustaining...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:56:57 GMT -5
One dependent person can have scores of codependents along for the ride.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 8:59:42 GMT -5
I think this is key (all of my quotes are from Wiki, BTW)
People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.
So they get involved with people who are happy to be tended to. Narcissists are common because they feel they deserve the attention and they don't care about the needs of others.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:09:15 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:11:09 GMT -5
I think this is key (all of my quotes are from Wiki, BTW) People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree. So they get involved with people who are happy to be tended to. Narcissists are common because they feel they deserve the attention and they don't care about the needs of others. Ok. That part isn't me though...at least I don't think so. I'm totally cool with the ex dropping off the face of the earth and me never having to deal with him again, and I really don't mind being alone. The 6 months he was locked up were a huge relief. I never went to visit him or so much as wrote him a letter, but I have this complication of having to parent with him which makes me want to control how he is. When we were married and he lived with me, his drug use, and bizarre behavior did affect me a lot and I was always trying to manipulate him to be more like I hoped he would be.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:15:40 GMT -5
And that is why there's books on the subject instead of paragraphs. You're more like the first sentence that I posted: It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,086
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 18, 2014 9:19:54 GMT -5
That part isn't me though...at least I don't think
If you read a lot of your posts early in the thread you have jumped in A LOT to "save the day" for him be it getting him a cell phone, worrying about his IRA and stuff like that. When in reality it's all his problem to figure out. You've been doing an awful lot of jumping to try to fulfill HIS needs while neglecting your own.
I can be alone just fine, but I have had to recognize I do have a tendency to want to play "white knight" and like being needed. Unfortunately there are people out there who prey on that. My former BFF preyed on that for years till I clued in.
I ALMOST let him hide at my house about a year ago when a crazy ex found him. Then I looked at my daughter and husband. My BFF hasn't changed since high school, it's not my job to protect him from his bad choices. I'm not going to put myself or my family in danger to save his butt.
Several years ago I would have done it in a heartbeat. The conditioning is all still there, but I've learned to recognize it for what it is and stop it. I kicked him out faster than your head can spin.
I still feel bad, it's really a shame he's still in the situation he always was. But it's not MY problem. It's not MY job to save the world from itself. My duty is to myself and my family.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:21:43 GMT -5
I could easily fall into it, but dealing with other people's drama is waaaaay too much work for me.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Apr 18, 2014 9:28:54 GMT -5
Just want to jump in and say that MPL - I personally have never, ever thought you are pathetic. You are working hard to fix the situation you are in, and I have faith that you can and will do the best you can for yourself and your family. Hang in there and keep moving forward, do the things you need to do to protect your family, and be good to yourself!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,086
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 18, 2014 9:29:01 GMT -5
Ditto. At some point, I can't tell you exactly when, I decided that dealing with other people's crap was exhausting. Why am I putting up with all this?
High school is pretty much nothing but drama so it was really easy to get sucked in. As I got older I was around drama ridden people less and less and developed much less tolerance for it since it was no longer the routine.
And now that I am older I am also a lot more comfortable seeking help. An 18 year old wants to believe she knows everything and can handle everything. Now I know I can't so when DH relapsed, for example, I got my butt to the EAP as soon as I could.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 10:16:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2014 9:30:09 GMT -5
Just want to jump in and say that MPL - I personally have never, ever thought you are pathetic. You are working hard to fix the situation you are in, and I have faith that you can and will do the best you can for yourself and your family. Hang in there and keep moving forward, do the things you need to do to protect your family, and be good to yourself!
|
|