whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 24, 2011 11:11:34 GMT -5
Wow, all those horror stories about middle children just made me go hug my youngest, who will only be the "youngest" for the next few months and then will be the "middle" child.
I gotta say though, and I posted this a few days ago, there are days that I do kinda worry that he will be "forgotten" sometimes, especially if my 3rd kid is a girl. But on other days I am way too arrogant and think that we will be great parents to all three. We'll see what happens
Lena
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 11:16:03 GMT -5
I think as long as you are aware of it and take pains to give all of your children attention/equitable treatment... its fine... ... lets test... Lena... will you ever just buy a bicycle for your oldest and youngest and not the middle? ... In that case... If i couldn't afford 3 bikes, I probably would have bought 1 bike, 1 scooter and 1 skateboard and made them all share
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 24, 2011 11:22:56 GMT -5
Just because you might disagree with how many kids your parents had for whatever reason doesn't mean they are bad parents, or that you believe them to be bad parents.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 24, 2011 11:23:42 GMT -5
I am officially staying away from bike-buying decisions (since I don't even know how to ride a bike) and this thread is making me really scared. ;D
However, except for a few outfits (due to difference in size) we haven't bought anything new for the 2nd. I was looking through all the pictures and realized that he is wearing the "old" stuff in 99% of them. And!!!! I also realized that I have thousands of pics of my 1st and only 100s of my second.
So, I either have to hide all those pictures or start saving for his therapy immediately.
Lena
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 11:30:23 GMT -5
We have found only a handful of pictures of my youngest sister (#5). She prayed for years that it was because she was adopted (nope! She a full blooded "beerwench" much to her dismay ).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 11:37:08 GMT -5
Everyone does that with pictures... but its because you are unreasonable with the first, and not because you are shorting the second... I actually have thrown some away... the 20 picture series of boy laying on blanket really was overkill... and its harder to get only shots of the second... cause he never had a life when the older wasn't a part of it... just the way it goes... But that is why, with 3, its sometimes harder, cause the first and last have SOME time without the other siblings, before the others come, or after they are gone... so i think maybe just try to do something alone with just all of them is a good idea... once in awhile... I didn't have the 'same clothes' thing because the second was a girl... but, while i wouldn't go overboard, i would buy a few things that are 'just his' if its possible... even if its second hand... Maybe he's really into dinosaurs, and so get him a Dino shirt... I don't know... i have a few things i saved from both of them... it would be nice to have something he wore that was just his when he was a baby... or a favorite toy... Really though, i think we worry too much about this stuff... its a problem with extra time on our hands... everyone used to have hand me downs... even the first kid didn't get new clothes... Now does it sound like i'm giving advice? I don't think you really need any... you sound like a great mom... I'm just commiserating...
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zuzu
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Post by zuzu on Feb 24, 2011 11:40:05 GMT -5
I didn't exactly plan for 3 children. My 2 youngest are twins! Took us over 4 years to decide to have #2. I would have stopped at 2 but things turned out really well for us.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 24, 2011 11:42:02 GMT -5
Oped, At 11 months old he hasn't told me what he is into yet Seriously, though, I really do hope that we do an adequate job recognizing their differences, etc. I am so so very lucky that my oldest loves, loves, loves "the baby", at bc he was only 20 mo when "baby" was born, I don't know if remembers the life without him. Oh, and the ironic thing is, I don't think I'll be able to use hand-me-downs much longer, bc 2nd is much bigger than the 1st and they were born in different seasons. Lena
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 11:45:19 GMT -5
lol... I guess not... I'm guessing an 11 month old won't remember what he wore... I also think my son doesn't really remember life without his sister.
I was babysitting for friends when i was a teen... the oldest was 4 or 5 maybe when the baby came... we were play acting soon after and i asked him what kind of shark he was, and he said... a tiger shark... you know, the kind that eats babies... lol... they are great friends and brothers... but he definately felt misplaced for awhile...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 24, 2011 11:56:54 GMT -5
When I had my DD 15 years ago my sister and sister in law packed up all their girls old but still nice clothes and sent them to me. Theirs were a couple of years older. I loved it! When she got a little older she loved it. She had lots of nice clothes and if she didn't like something she wore something else. We got her a couple of new dresses every year and sneakers and stuff but that was it. When I had my boy there weren't any boy cousins close to his age so I had to buy them. Truthfully he could care less if he had one outfit and I washed it everyday though. All I can say is I do the best I can with what I am presented with them. I don't do anything intensionally to be unfair. Sometimes things just work out at the time to be different. The do both know I love them and don't seem to care that the things aren't always equal. Who knows since one is a teenager it could change at any minute,
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sil
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Post by sil on Feb 24, 2011 12:13:43 GMT -5
I dont like when parents announce that they are having a 3rd child because their two children are both boys or both girls and they are "trying" to have a child of the opposite sex.
Basically they are saying that their second child was a disappointment even before he or she was born.
Worse yet, I read a story in one of my stupid parenting magazines about a mom of 3 boys who was "grieving" because she would never have the daughter she always dreamed of.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 24, 2011 12:20:42 GMT -5
DH and I are in agreement on number of kids. If we can afford them is #1 concern. Ideally, 1-4. I would like to have naturally 2, and adopt any other children. We'll see when I actually become a mother what happens though! I may decide 1 is enough, rather than risk twins (frequent in my family).
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Feb 24, 2011 12:47:27 GMT -5
I think if people who are aware of the "middle child situation" and make the effort to avoid it (ETA: avoid treating the middle child like a "middle child" not avoid having one...), it's a good thing. Some parents just really don't realize what they are doing The bike thing ends up being a car thing and then a college thing. Sometimes kids just have to be strong, I was one of those kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 24, 2011 12:51:10 GMT -5
I totally understand wanting what you want. It doesn't make you a bad person. I still feel that if you go thru all the hassle of getting and being pregnant, you should at last get what you want!!! I see too many 2nd children who are exactly that, a disappointment because of being the wrong sex. Don't you think they feel it? Nothing wrong with being a wanted child. EX's family would have had only 2 kids if they had gotten what they wanted the 2nd time. Would have been better for 2 families if they had stopped at 2. 3 families actually because growing up in his was no picnic.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Feb 24, 2011 15:34:23 GMT -5
Sil- I agree with you. It is insulting to the kids they already have for the parents to announce "oh we are trying for a girl/boy this time. That's the sort of thing that kids become aware of as they get older.
My aunt is in her 50's and to this day has significant issues because she feels my grandparents rushed to have another baby after her because she was a girl. She was the 3rd daughter (and had one older brother). The 5th was a boy and he is to this day the baby of the family. My aunt has always felt unwanted because of this.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 24, 2011 15:47:37 GMT -5
It's a hard feeling to feel unwanted because of your gender. My mom wanted a boy because my dad was so old that even her chances of getting pg weren't good. Dad was thrilled by me but I always felt it from her. I am VERY careful with my two and it helps because DD is a pita which tempers my feelings.
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 24, 2011 19:06:30 GMT -5
Sheila No problem! I'm glad that you understand why I felt that post was directed at me though (and even gladder that it wasn't!)
Dragonfly, I am so so sorry for your immense losses. (((Dragonfly))).
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 24, 2011 19:12:41 GMT -5
I gotta say though, and I posted this a few days ago, there are days that I do kinda worry that he will be "forgotten" sometimes, especially if my 3rd kid is a girl. But on other days I am way too arrogant and think that we will be great parents to all three. We'll see what happens
Lena
Lena, you just need to keep faith, and treat the two boys the same way (all things being equal). My two boys were 19.5 months apart, and the third was indeed a girl.
DS2's nickname was "Rambo" LOL. (I did not give him that nickname, our friends did.) He walked at nine months, quickly decided walking wasn't nearly as efficient as crawling, and reverted to crawling LOL. 22 years later, he's still imposing himself well when necessary LOL.
But you have to be intelligent about things (as I know you will be!) I had a neighbor who had two boys exactly 12 months and one day apart, her DS2 was my DS1's friend when they were very young. Her rule was, if you invited your kid's classmate over for a playdate (her DS1 or DS2), the invitation was only accepted if a) the other kid had a playdate too or b) you invited both kids rather than just one.
Beyond ridiculous!
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Feb 24, 2011 23:13:20 GMT -5
I guess that the question of how many kids is "just right" depends on your perspective.
I am the oldest of 4, and that always seemed like a relatively small family to me. Of course, my mom is second youngest of 11, and dad is second youngest of 6, so I grew up with LOTS of cousins, some a generation older than me. A big extended family feels normal to me. Growing up I knew several families w/ a dozen members.
We have 5 kids, my next brother has 3, younger brother 1, and my sister has 2. It is bedlam at Grandma's house at holidays, since the youngest 7 (my youngest and all my nephews and nieces) are all within 3 years of one another in age.
I definitely preferred having the kids fairly close together in age - about 2 1/2 to 3 years between each (for the first 4). The 6 1/2 year gap between DS4 and DS5 (surprise!) is less ideal.
Dark nailed it on the logistics issue - we definitely quit when we hit the max our minivan could hold. Even w/ DD1 at college, transporting multiple tubas and basses along w/ the kids is getting tricky now that they are mostly teens. ;D
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on Feb 24, 2011 23:21:11 GMT -5
I really don't understand why anyone would have any more than 2 children. Other than accidental thirds, but even that's avoidable so yah.. I don't get it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 23:38:28 GMT -5
"we definitely quit when we hit the max our minivan could hold."
I joke that i tried the 7 seater when Subaru first came out with it... but it was too cramped, so we decided to just go with the two kids...
I wouldn't have minded more, if they had come together... but it never seemed right... and there is no way i want to do the echo thing...
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TD2K
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Post by TD2K on Feb 25, 2011 1:01:00 GMT -5
I really don't understand why anyone would have any more than 2 children
The number of kids you want is likely hard to quantify and what seems reasonable to one person isn't going to be to another. I don't want any and knock wood at my age, that will be the case. Others want one, others 2, others more. I knew a guy over in Saudi who had something like 8 kids. They wanted a large family and could afford it over there. I get the cold shakes at the thought of 8 kids, he likely would have gotten the cold shakes at no kids.
I may not like Hummers but there are lots of people still out there driving them who seem to be happy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2011 6:18:42 GMT -5
I really don't understand why anyone would have any more than 2 childrenThe number of kids you want is likely hard to quantify and what seems reasonable to one person isn't going to be to another. I don't want any and knock wood at my age, that will be the case. Others want one, others 2, others more. I knew a guy over in Saudi who had something like 8 kids. They wanted a large family and could afford it over there. I get the cold shakes at the thought of 8 kids, he likely would have gotten the cold shakes at no kids. I may not like Hummers but there are lots of people still out there driving them who seem to be happy. Yes, what TD said. Plus if you can afford it financially, mentally, and emotionally, then it's no one's business really.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 25, 2011 8:17:07 GMT -5
Well, going from 2 to 3 is more of a financial adjustment I think than going from 1 to 2.
We will have to buy another car. We had to make sure that we had another bedroom. And that's just the begining. A lot of times hotels won't let you have more than 4 people in the room, so you have to get another room. Those are just a few thing I can think of right now
Lena
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sil
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Post by sil on Feb 25, 2011 12:39:12 GMT -5
I understand how someone else can want to have 3 kids (or 1, or 2 or even 4) And I can also understand being undecided about how many children you want.
But I've got several friends who have declared that they definately do not want any more kids, but they (primarily talking about the husbands) wont take measures to permanently prevent another pregnancy. The same friends were kind of shocked when I told them that I got my tubes tied during my c-section. Unless the wife is post-menopausal, if at least one partner is not willing to get the snip-snip, then you cannot be certain that you are "done"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2011 15:22:34 GMT -5
I think 3 has always been a pretty common # of children.
One couple has 4 under the age of 5 and I wonder if they have felt the full cost of so many children yet. For baby stuff and cloths, they have basically been reusing the same stuff. They bought the big minivan before the first was born. Family provides free daycare. Besides the additional food and diaper cost, each new child has been pretty cheap. However as their kids get to be school aged, I think their costs are going to go up. I know you don't have to give a child everything, but they may want to try a sport or something. There will be school supplies. Vacationing with that many would seem expensive.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2011 15:27:01 GMT -5
Most cars don't hold three car seats side by side, especially now that kids need to be in them until they hit puberty.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Feb 25, 2011 15:57:58 GMT -5
See. I said way earlier in this thread that most people can get by just fine with 2-3 but for some reason 3 seems to be the point that everyone needs the mom cruiser, bigger house, can't afford vacations, etc. I don't know if it's actually true, but a lot of people think it is.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 25, 2011 16:20:50 GMT -5
Wow, life must be so simple for you, having all the answers.
So many assumptions, so little facts, so much judgment.
Lena
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Feb 25, 2011 16:58:43 GMT -5
Family size is continuing to shrink or stabilize overall in developing countries. With that said its 4 or 2, I don't like odd numbers.
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