Is 3 the new 2 where kids are concerned?

[Firebird]

Feb 22, 2011 23:29:20 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

One niece and one nephew each have 6 with SAHMs. They are raising them poor but they are all wanted. Another niece is adopting 2 to add to her 2 and has another that is temp foster kid. She loves having lots of kids. Another niece has 2 but wants 3, her husband said no.

I think if a couple wants lots of kids and is willing to do what it takes to give them a good life they should do it. More aren't that much more expensive unless you use daycare or they are special needs.

I will say that I think it's a tad irresponsible to have large families with one spouse as a SAHP, unless the working spouse has an incredibly secure and high-paying job (not usually the case, in my experience) because if the working spouse loses his (almost always his, in my experience) job, the SAHP has usually been so focused on raising kids that she doesn't have a lot of marketable skills. Which means that any job she can get won't outweigh the daycare costs and then you're stuck in a bad situation, practically asking for poverty.

There are exceptions, of course, but the point is that obviously no one should have more kids than they can afford. If one is all you can afford, then stop at one. But I think two kids is far superior to one, if you can afford it (and let's face it, the incremental cost of going from one to two isn't that big of a deal).

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 11:42:13 GMT -5 Waffle said:

I am an only child and I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

Glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes it works out, but honestly I am so jealous of people who have problems with their siblings. I would love to have siblings to fight with!

I know, I know, if wishes were horses. Still. I didn't grow up with a lot of cousins around me, though, which may have been part of it. As an adult, I am closer to my teenage cousins than I was when we were growing up - had we grown up together and shared more, I probably would feel more of that "sibling" bond with them and maybe it wouldn't matter so much. But as it is, I'm pretty much on my own when my parents die, and I really don't like that.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

honestly I am so jealous of people who have problems with their siblings. I would love to have siblings to fight with!

You want my pot smoking brother who only talks to me if he wants money?

Cause I'll gladly box him up and mail him to you.

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 12:13:35 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

georgiagal- With my only child we had more of an issue of him not being able to relate to groups of kids. He was so used to it being just him or one or two friends over that anything more than that overwhelmed him. Even when his cousins come for a visit (2 boys 1 and 2 years younger than him) he has to take a mental time out. He isn't used to the noise and chaos that sometimes surrounds multiple kids.

Plus he still doesn't share very well. He is ok now but when he was younger he felt like the other kids were "messing with" his stuff and playing with it wrong.

I don't know that I'd call him self centered though. I do ask him every once and a while if he wishes he had brothers or sisters and his response is always "Hell no".

Haha! I always said, "Yes Mommy, please have another kid, please please PLEASE?!" (she stopped asking pretty quick ;D) so I am glad there are well adjusted onlies out there Not that I wouldn't put myself in that category, I love my parents and I'm lucky to have the family that I do.

But actually, you hit on one of the consistent issues onlies tend to have as adults - we tend to be obsessed with our privacy and space and don't do company very well, at least not for long periods of time.

I recently had a spat with DBF when we were having a friend of his over to stay. DBF and I would both be working at least one of the days his friend was here, and I asked what his friend would be doing. When I found out that DBF's plan was for his friend to "hang out" at the apartment, I didn't like the idea at all. It felt like a total invasion of privacy and space (although I had no problem with his friend staying with us - I just didn't like the idea of him being there alone).

I have clashed over this issue with people in the past. It's hard for me to have people in "my space," particularly people I didn't invite (which can be a major problem when you have roommates). Luckily, DBF is a pretty solitary creature as well and we don't have company very often.

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 12:25:04 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

honestly I am so jealous of people who have problems with their siblings. I would love to have siblings to fight with!

You want my pot smoking brother who only talks to me if he wants money?

Cause I'll gladly box him up and mail him to you.

So long as you poke air holes in the box. I'll be damned if my new brother is going to die on me right away

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So long as you poke air holes in the box. I'll be damned if my new brother is going to die on me right away

Ah crap, there goes my plan.

[whoisjohngalt]

Hmmm, very interesting ideas. I am the only child and as far back as I can remember I was always a loner. I never really wanted a sibling, except when I was a teenager and really wanted to have an older brother, so I could potentially date his friends.

But who is to say that I like my privacy and my space bc I was the only child or I am like that bc I am and if I had a sibling(s) it would be tough to deal with that?

Lena

[giramomma]

firebird said:

But I think two kids is far superior to one, if you can afford it (and let's face it, the incremental cost of going from one to two isn't that big of a deal).

And, actually, I the going from one to two children can be a big deal, incrementally. Maybe not in the beginning, when the baby is born. But, by age 2, I don't believe costs are so incremental anymore.

I have one child of each sex, born in different seasons. The only thing I've been able to save are gender neutral snow pants and a few onsies. And, try as I might, my boy doesn't want to play with dolls. And, given there is a nearly 4 year age gap between the two, they can't play with the same toys for a while.

If one plans smartly, yes, housing and car costs shouldn't double. But, you'll see increases in food, clothing, energy consumption, activity costs, child care costs (even for things like going out for a date), haircuts, birthday/christmas presents, etc. Even invites to other friend's birthday parties are going to double. There's twice the amount of school supplies once school starts....

[sj3339sta]

As of right now, my husband and I have one child. We are trying for a 2nd right now. We want a large family and also intend to adopt somewhere down the line as well. Maybe a sibling group that nobody else seems to want.

My husband does not make a ton of money, but we still do very well. Our only debt is our home mortgage. We would LOVE to move out of our small rural town to the country and have a small family farm. I already grow much of our food and am just wise about how we spend our money. Kids don't really cost THAT much money if you realize they don't need every toy on the market nor teach them early the "keeping up with the Jonses" game.

I say this to each and every single person out there....worry about your own family and not about the reproductive choices of others. As far as I am aware, marriage is between two people (and God if you are Christian) and those choices do not include other people's opinions.

Why is it ok for people to give their opinion on having/raising children when it has not been asked for? When did it become acceptable to do that?

[Deleted]

I am #3 out of 6 kids. My cousin who was an only child has 4 kids and is still considering having another. She said that she always wanted what we had growing up.

[Deleted]

Why is it ok for people to give their opinion on having/raising children when it has not been asked for? When did it become acceptable to do that?

I wouldn't say that it's acceptable to walk up to someone and start spewing in RL, but we are on a message board. If it wasn't for opining what else would we do around here?

[sj3339sta]

The thing is, I often see people both known and not who feel this is a subject that is ok to chime in on IRL. Apparently I still look pregnant...LOL...and a lady walked up to me and my 16 month old in a store and asked, "Don't you know what causes pregnancy? You need to slow down." Sheesh!

Anywho, it is something I'm sensitive about. Everyone I know has an opinion on everyone else's fertility or lack there of and sees the need to actually say it.

[CarolinaKat]

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=3763&page=2#ixzz1EoB1SB6s

Karma to Waffle. I say that often

[whoisjohngalt]

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

That's pretty narrow-minded statement to make.

Lena

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 13:15:52 GMT -5 sj3339sta said:

The thing is, I often see people both known and not who feel this is a subject that is ok to chime in on IRL. Apparently I still look pregnant...LOL...and a lady walked up to me and my 16 month old in a store and asked, "Don't you know what causes pregnancy? You need to slow down." Sheesh!

Anywho, it is something I'm sensitive about. Everyone I know has an opinion on everyone else's fertility or lack there of and sees the need to actually say it.

Wow, that's rude on multiple counts. Never assume a lady is pregnant unless the baby is practically on its way out right before your eyes!

I don't get what people like that think they are accomplishing. Presumably they would like you to change... your childrearing habits... because a stranger said you should?

Or maybe they're just thinking that if ENOUGH people comment on how fast you're having kiddos, you will rethink. Either way, *eyeroll*

[tractor]

We were always told that three was no more work than two, but we stopped anyway. Most of my friends have more than two, but I didn't want anymore, and the doctors told my wife she should be done for physical reasons so she made sure it couldn't.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

That's pretty narrow-minded statement to make

I get it all the time because I am debating if I want to stop with one child. Apparently there is a speacil spot in parent hell for me if I decide to 'deny' my child a sibling.

It's gotten to the point of where I joke that maybe I should be saving for therapy instead of college.

Keeps me from saying what I really want to say to these people.

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 13:34:03 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

That's pretty narrow-minded statement to make.

Lena

Well, it's based on experience. I probably wouldn't go so far as to say it's a negative experience for EVERYONE (after all, onlies tend to be very accomplished, very independent, etc. - we have our good qualities!) but most of my only friends wish that they'd had siblings on balance, myself included.

[Deleted]

Mom said it was a challenge to go from 2 to 3, but after that there's no difference.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Most of my siblings and friends are stopping with or hoping for two. My younger brother and his wife always said they wanted 4-5. Until they had one. Now they've got two and he's getting fixed.

I don't know that it has anything to do with not wanting to make a kid a middle child though. I think a lot of it is the logistics problem. 2-3 kids fit in a normal car, but with car seats and whatnot most people need a bimbo box or SUV with 3 or more kids. You start needing a bigger house. Pregnancies aren't cheap these days. Each kid adds a little more crazy into your schedule and home life. I love my kids dearly, and I love all four of the siblings I grew up with, but I don't know how the hell my single mom managed having five kids.

[whoisjohngalt]

You can say "well, it would be nice for a child to have a sibling". To say "I wouldn't wish that on anyone" is just rude, rude, rude, tacky, cold and RUDE.

Being an only child is not a terrible disease and not the worst thing in life.

Based on experience or not, this kind of statement is harsh, judgmental and RUDE!

Lena

[telephus44]

Feb 23, 2011 13:39:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

That's pretty narrow-minded statement to make

I get it all the time because I am debating if I want to stop with one child. Apparently there is a speacil spot in parent hell for me if I decide to 'deny' my child a sibling.

It's gotten to the point of where I joke that maybe I should be saving for therapy instead of college.

Keeps me from saying what I really want to say to these people.

You are so right! Of course, I'm already going to parent hell for a number of other things.... I work outside the home full-time, I didn't nurse him for 12 months, and I let him drink coffee :-)

[soon2bmomof3]

I am the first of 3 and DH is the first of two. With my parents, my brother was a late life (42, 44) surprise, I was 13 when he was born. With my husband, I think my inlaws would have wanted more, but BIL was a difficult birth and the doctor told MIL to stop.

Right now we have two and have #3 on the way. DH and I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, I just didn't expect #3 so soon after #2 (yes, we know how it happened, but we had a hard time getting pregnant with the first two that we thought we would need help trying to get pregnant again). Honestly though, I think I'm done after #3. If DH wants more children, we'll adopt. It's not that I've had difficult pregnancies, but going through it three times is enough. I don't want to do it again.

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 13:39:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone.

That's pretty narrow-minded statement to make

I get it all the time because I am debating if I want to stop with one child. Apparently there is a speacil spot in parent hell for me if I decide to 'deny' my child a sibling.

It's gotten to the point of where I joke that maybe I should be saving for therapy instead of college.

Keeps me from saying what I really want to say to these people.

You lot might be interested in reading this:

www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html

I don't agree with everything they say and it's actually kind of hard to see what they're getting at, but they do touch on the trend of only children and how people are slowly but surely getting over their pre (and mis) conceptions about us.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

*I* know I am technically not doing anything wrong should I decide to stop with on, but people are even worse about having a second child than they were about having a first! I've even had suggestions over when to go off BC again so I can time it so they are exactly a year and a half apart because that is the "perfect time" to have another child.

Uh. .. I just got done being pregnant six months ago!

[Firebird]

Feb 23, 2011 13:44:46 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

You can say "well, it would be nice for a child to have a sibling". To say "I wouldn't wish that on anyone" is just rude, rude, rude, tacky, cold and RUDE.

Being an only child is not a terrible disease and not the worst thing in life.

Based on experience or not, this kind of statement is harsh, judgmental and RUDE!

Lena

I agree. I wouldn't SAY it like that to anyone. I just appreciate the sentiment. I really did hate being an only child. Again, if I'd had cousins around growing up, I might have felt differently.

Honestly, I did feel like a freak at times. Everyone else had someone to relate to while they were growing up, who "got" their parents in a way that no one else did. I don't remember being treated differently specifically because I was an only child, but I definitely felt like the oddball quite a bit. And onlies already tend to feel that way because, as a rule, we don't fit in with our peer group all that well. We tend to get along with people much older / much younger than ourselves.

I hardly think it qualifies as bad parenting to stop at one child - I just don't think it's preferable. That's not to say you can't be a good parent if you do, though. I HAVE FANTASTIC PARENTS - I just disagree with this one decision of theirs ;D

[Sum Dum Gai]

Well there is something to be said for just getting it out of the way. I mean, if you're definitely going to have two, three, whatever. Nobody wants to spend a whole decade pregnant, or at least I couldn't imagine they do, so I could see why they'd want to have them all real close and be done with it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Everyone else had someone to relate to while they were growing up, who "got" their parents in a way that no one else did.

Well then you should pass on me mailing you my brother. He thinks our parents are big fat meanies who ruined his life and he hates me too because I refuse to agree with him.

Any other takers? I promise to poke a few holes in the box.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nobody wants to spend a whole decade pregnant, or at least I couldn't imagine they do, so I could see why they'd want to have them all real close and be done with it.

I agree, but I don't appreciate OTHER people planning out future pregnancies for me, and especially assuming there is going to be one just because THEY wanted to have another one.

Just like the first that decision should be DH's and mine, but you can't ever win with these people. I am sure if I popped out a second they'd ask me when #3 is going to arrive.

[Firebird]

Dramaq, would you rather be my big sister?