Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Nov 14, 2013 16:25:13 GMT -5
There are people from high school and from early on in my career that I meet with who wonder why I'm still doing what I'm doing, and not full of money and accomplishments. And they say so out loud, which is a bit of a blow
You mean llike when you tell your MIL about what you do for a living and she exclaims "You went to college and paid all that money to play with rats?" I felt two inches tall. DH laid into her over that one. So very proud of you as I would have replied, "Dear MIL, for that you should be glad for it is what enables me to deal with a rodent like YOU!"
ETA: I take what people say at 50% and try to allow 50% for the other person but the stuff from your MIL - that woman is seriously nuts and I commend you for the fortitude to deal with her because it is in the best interests ofr your DD and DH.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 14, 2013 16:28:44 GMT -5
The only thing I can think of that's kind of a biggy is that I didn't stay at one job for 20 plus years for a pension. My neighbor just retired at 41 with full pension and benefits.
But would being driven insane being stuck at the same boring place with the same boring people been worth it? Never mind. I got nothing.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 14, 2013 16:29:07 GMT -5
Those walls you run into from trying to do it all hurt! I'm trying very much to focus on what I can control and do those things well. I feel like I've been doing everything badly lately so I'm re-grouping.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2013 16:33:58 GMT -5
that woman is seriously nuts and I commend you for the fortitude to deal with her because it is in the best interests ofr your DD and DH.
Not the most tactful person on the planet that is for sure. DH lays into her when it counts. He's quite proud of what I do for a living and wasn't going to have it be dismissed. Granted he admits he doesn't understand even half of what I talk about but he knows I don't "play with rats". She's not the first person who's expressed similar thoughts, just never had it said quite that tactlessly to my face before.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Nov 14, 2013 16:37:25 GMT -5
DH used my 2x 4 for me. It's hard to explain what I do and people tend to focus on the animal part because it's easy to grasp. Just never heard it put quite that bluntly before. I feel somewhat like a failure because my whole goal in life was to become a professor. Once I got into academia I decided it wasn't for me. So now I'm drifting because I'm about as far as I can go in academia unless I accumulate more degrees and I'm having a hard time breaking into private. So I feel like a failure because I didn't rapidly climb the ladder and I'm not a PI like I planned. But I get paid decent enough, I have great benefits and the job is flexible so I can't really complain. It's a good family job.
DQ - couple of thoughts from someone who is almost 52:
Just because it is hard to break into private industry does not mean you will not be one of the few to make it. If anything it makes you a better candidate because you have identified it as a factor.
Maybe at this time in your life it is best for youto have a "good family job.' That does not mean you will stay there forever but instead stay for as long as that is a meaningful factor. When the kid(s) is/are older you could much more easily move to a less family friendly job and I bet most in private industry research fall in that category.
I believe you can only fight/win the war on one front at a time. Be kind and patient with yourselves. A few other sayings: You can have it all, just not all at once. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. The seasons of life...
Enough from me - I am now going to toddle on over to my rocking chair (leather modern style with matching ottoman) and drink my Geritol (anyone remember how much ethanol that stuff had in it?)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2013 16:44:23 GMT -5
Maybe at this time in your life it is best for youto have a "good family job.' That does not mean you will stay there forever but instead stay for as long as that is a meaningful factor
That's the conclusion DH and I have reached. Especially since I carry our benefits and it's a package people would kill for right now with all the ACA stuff going on.
It'd have to be an offer I'd be insane to turn down for me to consider job hopping right now.
But I still keep my eyes peeled. Right now I am considering food science which was non-existent when I graduated but has boomed in the last 5 years. My current skill set in pharmacuetical sciences lines up rather nicely with food science.
My boss and I have been talking and he knows salary wise I'm undercompensated (thank you wage freeze!) so we've been bouncing around the idea of changing my job title to reflect all that I do here which would result in a significant salary bump. We need to get enough grant money to do that first. ::fingers crossed::
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 14, 2013 16:49:54 GMT -5
This is exactly me, except that I'm throwing myself a deluxe pity party right now. I really appreciate everyone's posts. I'm in pity party mode as well. I know we have lot going for us but hubs and I are just both in a slump right now. Knowing that it's only temporary misery makes it somewhat palatable but I'm still thinking "is this my life?!?!" I have no idea what I thought life in my early 30s was going to be like, but I thought I'd have accomplished something major by now. Lol, I'm accomplishing an epic pity party. :-) Exactly! I don't think I did picture my 30's, or 40's, or really the middle part of my life at all. Just figured it would be well marked by my accomplishments, and just enough adversity to make me a better person. At least we can through the pity party and get back on track tomorrow? (Or probably not until Monday).
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 14, 2013 16:57:58 GMT -5
My failures? I'm sure I don't remember all of them... Discovering partway through my 2nd year at college that my college sucked eggs. And, because I was at a private school close to home, my folks wouldn't let me transfer somewhere that only would've been a little further from home. I did finish, but hated my last 2 years there. I was offered a great management job immediately on graduating. The problem was, they had little time to train me in before the person I was to replace was leaving. No support from upper management, plus, they didn't really understand what she did all day, so, no one to go to for help. (Part of my job was running a computer billing system.) I quit before the person I was to replace left. I've supervised & trained people without the title since then, but never come close to the kinds of paychecks one should get with a degree. Then, DS was diagnosed with his disability, & my full-time job was running his therapy schedule, & working part-time around DH's job, to try & reduce expenses. I don't fill in those "what career are you doing now" portions of high school or college reunion questionnaires. I'm not sure "managing my child's autism therapy schedule" qualifies as a career, although you sure put in the hours. Now I also oversee my Mom's needs & another relative whose health is poor. I agree with another poster who said: I never imagined I'd be this age, & doing this... I think it's time to stock the bar.
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Nov 14, 2013 17:06:01 GMT -5
I used to tell myself that I had to buy a house by the time I was 30, so that it would be paid off a few years before I retire. A few years ago I changed that goalpost to 35, and then now at age 34 I am thinking it's going to have to be 37. I still have a ton of CC debt, and will not be able to wipe it out before interest rates (and prices) rise.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Nov 14, 2013 17:11:02 GMT -5
Pretty much every day I fail at something!!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Nov 14, 2013 17:11:33 GMT -5
I had the same mindset. Bought a house at 28. Had to force the wife into it a bit. Our timing was good in terms of the housing crash. Bought in 2010, zero down, Uncle Sam gave me an $8k incentive, and we have equity right now, but our mortgage is kicking my ass. The flexibility of renting would be pretty nice right now.
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Nov 14, 2013 17:15:37 GMT -5
I always think I never want to get to 70 and think I didn't take my chances when I had them. I've fallen flat on my nose quite a few times but at least I'm not wondering... what if Sometimes things just weren't meant to be. Just get up, dust myself off and look for the next challenge......
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 14, 2013 17:35:49 GMT -5
I had the same mindset. Bought a house at 28. Had to force the wife into it a bit. Our timing was good in terms of the housing crash. Bought in 2010, zero down, Uncle Sam gave me an $8k incentive, and we have equity right now, but our mortgage is kicking my ass. The flexibility of renting would be pretty nice right now. Can you rent your house for at least your mortgage payment and rent for a little while?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Nov 14, 2013 17:42:29 GMT -5
Probably not. Our neighbors rent, pretty much identical house, $1,400 a month. Our mortgage is $1,950. Their rent is a bit below market, but we'd be lucky to break even on the house, and then the months it's between tenants we'd be really hurting.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Nov 14, 2013 18:12:37 GMT -5
Rae - sorry you are going through this - also sorry for all the rest of you and me too.
All I can think to add is: Welcome to Middle Age. No matter how many time we fail or fall short, we keep getting up and going on - after a pity party - it is only that that I at least will change.
&
ETA - reads what I have written and slowly wander off to get up and go again! SMH, and thinking, I sure liked it better when I thought I had all the answers.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 14, 2013 18:16:43 GMT -5
I fail at societal expectations;
I failed at marriage, although I consider it more my ex’s failure.
I failed at home ownership, bought at height, divorced and short-sale at bottom.
I fail at house keeping, just can’t keep up with clutter and laundry.
I fail at the lofty expectations of womanhood, no children yet and a middle of the road career.
I fail at intellectual, financial, and creative pursuits; in college, regardless of the fact that math and science were my strong suits, I eschewed the intellectual and financially lucrative degrees in favor of 2 art degrees, which I no longer use.
I also fail at flossing regularly.
At present, I’m more or less okay with all the ways I have failed or am failing. Every so often I will fall into a pity party, but it all comes down to wants, and if I really didn’t want to “fail” I’m pretty confident I’d have found a way.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 14, 2013 18:20:01 GMT -5
I've failed at maintaining my weight. I've become a lifetime member at Weight Watchers twice. Last year I lost 20 pounds, and was probably a little too thin for my height/frame, and went and gained every.single.pound back, plus about 5 more for good measure. I'm too embarrassed to go back but it's the only way I'll lose it again. I've failed at relationships, mainly romantic. I was never "good at it" so became involved in some spectacularly toxic situations, many which could have, and probably should have, ended way worse than they did. I haven't been great at maintaining other friendships and family relationships either. I did absolutely nothing right with money for the first 15 plus years of adulthood. I thought I'd be out of debt by now but am not even close. I've made progress and generally make a lot smarter decisions, but I still struggle with it. I have a very hard time with energy and motivation and it impacts many area of my life. I am a terrible housekeeper. The clutter makes me crazy, yet I never do anything different. I am sure there are a LOT more if I thought more about it
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 14, 2013 18:33:07 GMT -5
Yeah it's awkward when I read about people buying homes, apartments etc and I rent from my parents. Who also happen to live right across the street. It's a win-win set-up for us and my parents. Gwen adores being so close to her grandparents but it feels embarassing to be 30 and rent from my parents. I feel like from a YM standpoint I might as well be living in their basement doomed to loserville. It feels like I "should" own a house or something by now even though I admit to myself I don't have much desire to be a homeowner, I'm totally fine with renting. Then I'm a YM loser because I am a no-good lousy teneat instead of a landlord making profits off losers like me. I'm 44 and rent from my parents It's an arrangement that works well for all of us. I bought a house when I was 31. It is not easy being single and owning a home. My parents separated and neither were living in the family home, that I lived in from birth. I was pretty sentimental about it, and when they were talking of selling it, I decided to sell my house and move there. We have a rent to own agreement and I am responsible for the taxes, maintenance, etc, so really is not much different that when I owned. But, being single, and sometimes in a precarious financial situation, threats of job loss with government downsizing, it is nice to know, if shit hit the fan, I would have a place to live and my parents would cover me as needed. We have talked many times about me taking out a mortgage to pay off the small balance (dad gifted me his half) but mom swears she doesn't "need" the money (in a lump sum) and wants to leave it as is. I say, do what works for you and your family!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 14, 2013 19:20:17 GMT -5
I think I look like a total failure to some people because I never did the married with children thing - but I don't feel like a failure about either of those things. I had an opportunity about 8 years ago to leave a job with a 2 year severance package - I'm still kicking myself for not taking that deal. Isn't it something ?
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 14, 2013 20:36:49 GMT -5
I think I look like a total failure to some people because I never did the married with children thing - but I don't feel like a failure about either of those things. I had an opportunity about 8 years ago to leave a job with a 2 year severance package - I'm still kicking myself for not taking that deal. Same here. I do sometimes feel like a failure in those areas. Growing up, and even through my 20's and early 30's, if you had told me I'd never get married or have kids, I'd have said you were crazy. Just wasn't in the cards for me, I guess...I do question the whole "why" of it sometimes, but, it is what it is, I guess...
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 14, 2013 20:39:16 GMT -5
I had a really big drink before helping my youngest son with his homework tonight. Guess I can still do long division, etc. a little tipsy. We were both much happier with this arrangement. Not a long term solution, but...
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Nov 14, 2013 21:01:38 GMT -5
I had a really big drink before helping my youngest son with his homework tonight. Guess I can still do long division, etc. a little tipsy. We were both much happier with this arrangement. Not a long term solution, but... Do they still do long division the old way? Some of my friends have said they teach it completely differently now.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 14, 2013 21:02:15 GMT -5
*chuckle* I've read this whole thread. I have yet to read the post of a failure. We all have dreams that may not have been realized. Some things we're great at. Some things we're really, really good at. Some things we're really good at. Some things we're good at. The thing we're best at, though, is being ourselves, loving those we love, being loved, and smiling as often as we possibly can. That, as I see it, is a winner.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 14, 2013 21:07:31 GMT -5
I had a really big drink before helping my youngest son with his homework tonight. Guess I can still do long division, etc. a little tipsy. We were both much happier with this arrangement. Not a long term solution, but... Do they still do long division the old way? Some of my friends have said they teach it completely differently now. I have no idea how they teach it because my kid adopts his totally clueless act "huh? math? We didn't talk about that AT ALL!" So maybe all the other kids in class have some cool new way to do it and my kid is stuck with the prehistoric way I'm showing him, but I have no way to know this. My theory is that if he wants to reduce the embarrassment of having to do it the fuddy duddy way, he better start listening in class so he doesn't have to rely on mom for his info.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 14, 2013 21:08:59 GMT -5
*chuckle* I've read this whole thread. I have yet to read the post of a failure. We all have dreams that may not have been realized. Some things we're great at. Some things we're really, really good at. Some things we're really good at. Some things we're good at. The thing we're best at, though, is being ourselves, loving those we love, being loved, and smiling as often as we possibly can. That, as I see it, is a winner. This sounds like a Jack Handey quote.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 14, 2013 21:10:40 GMT -5
Boy, am I outa the loop! I had to look him up to see who Jack Handey is. I guess I'll have to go looking for something of his to read.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 14, 2013 21:13:22 GMT -5
A couple of my co-workers were talking about "new" math today. I had heard there is a "new" math that's now taught even different from when I was in school (I'm 34), but DD (she's 2) is too young to learn it. It will be interesting to see how many times its changed when it's her turn.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Nov 14, 2013 21:16:26 GMT -5
A couple of my co-workers were talking about "new" math today. I had heard there is a "new" math that's now taught even different from when I was in school (I'm 34), but DD (she's 2) is too young to learn it. It will be interesting to see how many times its changed when it's her turn. It is taught completely different. I have to teach myself how to do DS's math (he's in 2nd grade) before I can help him with it.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 14, 2013 21:21:28 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding like a fogey, one problem I'm seeing with the math he's assigned is there is no room to do the computation work. There's a word problem and then less than 1/2" down an answer line. For older kids, that might be OK, but at age 9, they still need to be - IMHO - writing out the steps and the computation. Especially for a kid like mine who is obviously just guessing. Maybe that's the new math? The kids just eyeball it and take a good guess...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2013 21:28:04 GMT -5
Hey, I've obviously failed at being the Queen of Rentals LOL.
Seriously, you ladies are SO hard on yourselves!!! I wish I lived closer so I could invite you all for a chat and a few (OK, many) bottles.
Life is not perfect. You will not always excel at work, and move up the proverbial ladder, win every election, have kids who never take a step wrong. That is life!!!
I am 53 (nearly 54) and my beloved big sister (66) taught me a very important lesson: be kind to yourselves. Because if you're not, who will be?! YOU all need to set the example, so that the others will follow.
I honestly think this is something that comes with age. It's not always easy getting older, but the alternative is worse LOL.
Stop being so hard on yourselves! Also, seriously, think about this, just for a minute. Do your husbands constantly beat themselves up the way you are on this thread, about what they do, how the look, how much they weigh? Some may, but most probably don't.
Hugs to you all!
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