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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2013 21:28:54 GMT -5
My kids are 15-27 so I've been dealing with "new math" for about 22 years now. I'm still waiting to get the hang of it, it doesn't help that it changes every two or three years LOL.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Nov 14, 2013 21:48:30 GMT -5
I failed with natural childbirth
Ya know I understand how/why this phrase was coined but nowdays I think it's code for "not doing it exactly the way I think you should have". Since when did birth have to become a competition? And when did it become the business of anyone besides me and my doctor? How can I "fail" at birth? well, yes. I didn't fail at giving birth. I've got two kids. But on mothering forums I learned about the business side of labor/delivery, and how OBGYN work in their best interests. Labor taking too long, let's induce or c-section it is! They can also bill more for it. and Something about all the babies being affected by the drugs blah blah.. I was determine to do it right. so I was led to believe that was the first step to doing right by my kids. So I "failed" the first time, emergency c-section. Failed the VBAC two years later. if I ever get pregnant again, I'm going straight for the c-section.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 14, 2013 22:05:06 GMT -5
Hey, I've obviously failed at being the Queen of Rentals LOL. Seriously, you ladies are SO hard on yourselves!!! I wish I lived closer so I could invite you all for a chat and a few (OK, many) bottles. Life is not perfect. You will not always excel at work, and move up the proverbial ladder, win every election, have kids who never take a step wrong. That is life!!! I am 53 (nearly 54) and my beloved big sister (66) taught me a very important lesson: be kind to yourselves. Because if you're not, who will be?! YOU all need to set the example, so that the others will follow. I honestly think this is something that comes with age. It's not always easy getting older, but the alternative is worse LOL. Stop being so hard on yourselves! Also, seriously, think about this, just for a minute. Do your husbands constantly beat themselves up the way you are on this thread, about what they do, how the look, how much they weigh? Some may, but most probably don't. Hugs to you all! People have been telling me my whole life to stop being hard on myself. Why, my boss just told me last week! Lol.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Nov 14, 2013 22:05:49 GMT -5
I think I look like a total failure to some people because I never did the married with children thing - but I don't feel like a failure about either of those things. I had an opportunity about 8 years ago to leave a job with a 2 year severance package - I'm still kicking myself for not taking that deal. Isn't it something ? Lena, I don't understand your question.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2013 22:25:11 GMT -5
Where should I start?
- I failed at my first goal of Having a career in finance - I failed at reaching six figures by now and probably won't by 30 either - I failed at my first semester getting an MBA. With my boss quitting on me, working 80-90 hours/week running my store... I could not do both. - I failed at getting the promotion to store manager I wanted
And my biggest failure by far: - I failed at giving my wife the thing she want most in this world... A child.
We don't talk about it much, avoid the subject, the thought of a family is always followed by this awkward silence... It is the elephant in the room!
Also with what it will probably cost us to have 1 child (either fertility treatment or adoption) we both are in agreement that the possibility of 2 kids or more is most likely off the table.
So off the bat we will be sucky parents because we intend to try raising our future child as an only child, no siblings to rely on or play with.
- another failure to add to the list down the road.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2013 22:56:42 GMT -5
Cawiau... Money is great, but it isn't everything. If you want kids, have them. However you can. You'll regret not a lot more than you'll regret not having more figures in the end...
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Nov 14, 2013 23:23:20 GMT -5
How did I not see this thread earlier today? Lately all I feel like is failure. I can't tell if I need therapy, meds, or nightly drinking. - Failing my 8yo son. He is brilliant but but his ADD/autism is a HUGE hindrance to him doing basic grade level work. We spend 90 minutes a day (at least) on homework and it is me sitting 1x1 with him redirecting him every 30 seconds to do the work. It is excruciating for both of us, and yet if I don't keep it up how will he ever become a functional adult? - Failing my 7yo daughter. She is angry and jealous over all the attention her brother gets. It is affecting her whole life outlook and no matter how much special "girl time" I give her she is falling apart. - I have no career. I'm completely financially reliant on DH. I'm not an expert at anything. - I've lost all my friends. I neglected my old friends and didn't make an effort to get new ones when I moved three years ago. I think I come across as awkward and weird. - I can't seem to get a good haircut to save my life. I'm gaining weight and I basically look like crap all the time. - I take out my frustrations/bitterness on DH. And the kids. I yell way too often. I won't even get into past failures. All that being said, it gives me a bit of comfort to know I am not alone. Thanks to everyone who posted.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 14, 2013 23:25:41 GMT -5
So off the bat we will be sucky parents because we intend to try raising our future child as an only child, no siblings to rely on or play with. When my second child was old enough to figure out how to push the buttons of my first, I started going up to all the "one and done" parents (and childless couples for that matter) telling them how smart they were. Don't romanticize siblings. There's no guarantee that they will want to play with each other or rely on each other in their adult years. My DH has one sib, that is 1300 miles away. My BIL HAS to be that far away. We can't ask him to give up any chance of his career to stay close to us, and their parents. We also know we will be the ones to take care of the ILs in their twilight years. BIL will be in no position to do so. I am an only child. Honestly, it was a blessing for me. If I had siblings, there's no way I would have had the same opportunities if I had siblings. I had expensive activities for most of my childhood. My parents likely spent 10% of their gross income on my activities alone. That's a ton when you are grossing 30-40K a year. I was busy from 3-4 days a week, up to 7 days a week. ETA: Chin up about the IF. In my case it's me. I don't ovulate. Ever. Without drugs. With ART, at the age of 36, my chances of conception were better than that of a healthy 25 year old woman.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 14, 2013 23:34:39 GMT -5
Where should I start? - I failed at my first goal of Having a career in finance - I failed at reaching six figures by now and probably won't by 30 either - I failed at my first semester getting an MBA. With my boss quitting on me, working 80-90 hours/week running my store... I could not do both. - I failed at getting the promotion to store manager I wanted And my biggest failure by far: - I failed at giving my wife the thing she want most in this world... A child. We don't talk about it much, avoid the subject, the thought of a family is always followed by this awkward silence... It is the elephant in the room! Also with what it will probably cost us to have 1 child (either fertility treatment or adoption) we both are in agreement that the possibility of 2 kids or more is most likely off the table. So off the bat we will be sucky parents because we intend to try raising our future child as an only child, no siblings to rely on or play with. - another failure to add to the list down the road. Your biggest failure, cawiau, isn't a failure at all. It's a loss, to be sure, but it's not a failure. Not everyone can have everything. There are kids out there who'd love to have you and Mrs. C. for their parents, and even an only child has other children to play with. Their parents are those other children when they're very, very young. Hearing the gurgling laugh of a little one having fun will turn anybody with a heart right back into a child again. You haven't failed, cawiau. You're a wonderful, loving human being. That's what it's really all about, isn't it?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 14, 2013 23:38:02 GMT -5
I had a really big drink before helping my youngest son with his homework tonight. Guess I can still do long division, etc. a little tipsy. We were both much happier with this arrangement. Not a long term solution, but... Do they still do long division the old way? Some of my friends have said they teach it completely differently now. One of the reasons we went private is because they teach long division the old school way. The kids also don't use calculators and are expected to memorize math facts. My kindy kid is getting a ton of expose to bar graphs and had a fun assignment on venn diagrams. She didn't know it was a venn diagram, though..
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 14, 2013 23:55:43 GMT -5
Where should I start? - I failed at my first goal of Having a career in finance - I failed at reaching six figures by now and probably won't by 30 either - I failed at my first semester getting an MBA. With my boss quitting on me, working 80-90 hours/week running my store... I could not do both. - I failed at getting the promotion to store manager I wanted And my biggest failure by far: - I failed at giving my wife the thing she want most in this world... A child. We don't talk about it much, avoid the subject, the thought of a family is always followed by this awkward silence... It is the elephant in the room! Also with what it will probably cost us to have 1 child (either fertility treatment or adoption) we both are in agreement that the possibility of 2 kids or more is most likely off the table. So off the bat we will be sucky parents because we intend to try raising our future child as an only child, no siblings to rely on or play with. - another failure to add to the list down the road. Your biggest failure, cawiau, isn't a failure at all. It's a loss, to be sure, but it's not a failure. Not everyone can have everything. There are kids out there who'd love to have you and Mrs. C. for their parents, and even an only child has other children to play with. Their parents are those other children when they're very, very young. Hearing the gurgling laugh of a little one having fun will turn anybody with a heart right back into a child again. You haven't failed, cawiau. You're a wonderful, loving human being. That's what it's really all about, isn't it? One of my co-workers is hopefully adopting a baby this weekend. The birth mother was supposed to be induced today and the birth mother has 48 hours to change her mind. Assuming she doesn't, then my co-worker and her DH will be adopting him. They are very reserved but most likely super excited. With my co-worker, I don't know what the "issue" is, but they are doing something that works for them. Not everyone can have it the "old-fashioned" way and there are some that would rather adopt. However you get your family is how you got your family. In the end, you and DW want to raise a child and that's all that matters in the end. Once your child smiles, laughs, gives you a big hug, tells you I Love You, you'll just melt and be so glad for them. Not when they destroy their room, get into something they shouldn't have, then you'll change your mind. Either way, life happens.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 15, 2013 0:01:40 GMT -5
I think the important thing to remember here is, we can't all have every dream we've ever dreamed come true. Just because those dreams don't materialize it doesn't mean we've failed. In the vast majority of cases, for every dream that doesn't pan out another one crops up we didn't even know we had. To me, it's always been about the journey, not the destination. Perhaps, that's just me.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 15, 2013 0:05:26 GMT -5
Lena, I don't understand your question. I just think it's crazy that people think that anyone who doesn't have a spouse or kids is not accomplished or a failure
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 15, 2013 0:40:10 GMT -5
I think the important thing to remember here is, we can't all have every dream we've ever dreamed come true. Just because those dreams don't materialize it doesn't mean we've failed. In the vast majority of cases, for every dream that doesn't pan out another one crops up we didn't even know we had. To me, it's always been about the journey, not the destination. Perhaps, that's just me.
No the journey is always way more important than the goal.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 15, 2013 1:05:11 GMT -5
I've failed at pretty much everything I've tried in my adult life besides my career.
I tried grad school and failed that. I just gave up on that dream entirely.
I've failed at all my attempts to date and start a relationship. I alternate between giving up and trying again. But I'm pretty jaded about it.
It's easy to see why people just give up on life sometimes.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Nov 15, 2013 6:25:31 GMT -5
Lena, I don't understand your question. I just think it's crazy that people think that anyone who doesn't have a spouse or kids is not accomplished or a failure Oh, thanks for explaining. I totally agree. But, that mindset is totally out there. I actually had a boss tell me that people couldn't be happy unless they were married. I was probably about 30 at the time.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 15, 2013 7:28:40 GMT -5
Where should I start? - I failed at my first goal of Having a career in finance - I failed at reaching six figures by now and probably won't by 30 either - I failed at my first semester getting an MBA. With my boss quitting on me, working 80-90 hours/week running my store... I could not do both. - I failed at getting the promotion to store manager I wanted And my biggest failure by far: - I failed at giving my wife the thing she want most in this world... A child. We don't talk about it much, avoid the subject, the thought of a family is always followed by this awkward silence... It is the elephant in the room! Also with what it will probably cost us to have 1 child (either fertility treatment or adoption) we both are in agreement that the possibility of 2 kids or more is most likely off the table. So off the bat we will be sucky parents because we intend to try raising our future child as an only child, no siblings to rely on or play with. - another failure to add to the list down the road. Carl, please stop feeling like a failure over infertility issues. You did NOT fail her. Fertility is not something that anyone control. I don't know that I would have conceived without modern medicine as I also had fertility issues. It is very painful to go through but when that day comes that you are holding your child in yours arms (whether from adoption, IVF, etc) how you got there will no longer matter. You will realize that THAT child was the one meant to be a part of your family
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 15, 2013 7:34:59 GMT -5
I have lots of failures but the two at the front of my mind right now are: - I didn't hit the financial goals I had set for myself by age 40. Then again, having a special needs child is expensive and shifts your priorities
- I feel like a failure at parenting. Before I had kids, I was sure that I would do everything right and my kids would be well-behaved, excel academically, etc. My almost 15 year old dd is my wild child and is making me feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing! She does excel academically but she seems incapable of following rules. I'm not talking "no dessert before dinner" rules, I'm talking "don't steal my car" kind of rules!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2013 8:19:16 GMT -5
I've been having a hard time posting on this thread, and just as difficult contemplating the successes thread. One way I've learned, I guess, to be happy in life is not to question the process too much. To name something a failure is to suggest that I am unhappy with where I am. And I like where I am. Did it mean I sometimes ended up making different choices than what I assumed I would at first... Yes. But I can't call them failures. Likewise I feel, for myself, that listing success is a bit braggy/tempting fate... I just do my best every day, with the information and resources available to me, to make the best choices I can... And be happy with them. Or change them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2013 8:21:04 GMT -5
I just think it's crazy that people think that anyone who doesn't have a spouse or kids is not accomplished or a failure Oh, thanks for explaining. I totally agree. But, that mindset is totally out there. I actually had a boss tell me that people couldn't be happy unless they were married. I was probably about 30 at the time. Don't let them fool ya. I was happier before I got married!!
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 15, 2013 9:08:03 GMT -5
I've been having a hard time posting on this thread, and just as difficult contemplating the successes thread. One way I've learned, I guess, to be happy in life is not to question the process too much. To name something a failure is to suggest that I am unhappy with where I am. And I like where I am. Did it mean I sometimes ended up making different choices than what I assumed I would at first... Yes. But I can't call them failures. Likewise I feel, for myself, that listing success is a bit braggy/tempting fate... I just do my best every day, with the information and resources available to me, to make the best choices I can... And be happy with them. Or change them. I only created the successes thread to help remind me that life is still pretty good. I've been having a rough time with a lot of things in my life and this thread really made me want to wallow in my own misery. I wasn't trying to brag, I was trying to remind myself and others who have been hard on themselves that some good things have happened in life. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm happy where I am. I feel like a failure professionally and financially but there are other ways I (and others) have had success.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 15, 2013 9:14:21 GMT -5
I tend to be hard on myself. What I have now is not what I had planned for myself. It doesn't mean my life is a failure. Some goals and dreams happen and others don't.
For myself I've spent a lot of time dwelling on it not being what I'd planned. There are still steps I can take to make things happen for myself. I'm trying to focus on that now doing what I can. Just because it isn't what I had planned doesn't mean I give up now and float through life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2013 9:17:31 GMT -5
I wasn't passing judgement Its a freaky superstition like thing with me. Sometimes it serves me well, sometimes not as much. But I have a very Monkey's Paw thing about 'wishing things different', and a 'tempting fate' thing about saying too much good stuff out loud... I think we all do well to consistently analyze, realistically, if we are happy where we are, and make changes. But you are right not to lose what is good In what might be less than. Lots of times those things are all caught up together anyway...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2013 9:19:33 GMT -5
Does this make you worry that the worst thing you might do fir your kids is let them develop unrealistic expectations? How do we balance it? Should that be another thread?
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Nov 15, 2013 9:22:54 GMT -5
I've been having a hard time posting on this thread, and just as difficult contemplating the successes thread. One way I've learned, I guess, to be happy in life is not to question the process too much. To name something a failure is to suggest that I am unhappy with where I am. And I like where I am. Did it mean I sometimes ended up making different choices than what I assumed I would at first... Yes. But I can't call them failures. Likewise I feel, for myself, that listing success is a bit braggy/tempting fate... I just do my best every day, with the information and resources available to me, to make the best choices I can... And be happy with them. Or change them. Generally, I don't think of things as "failures", but rather as mistakes. I don't like to make mistakes that affect other people, but for myself I view mistakes as part of the learning process. When I saw this thread title, the only "failure" that immediately came to mind was Compiler Construction, since I did flunk that course in college. I was surprised to ace it the second time around; different prof, different made-up language to write a compiler for, who knows?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 15, 2013 9:23:59 GMT -5
I have lots of failures but the two at the front of my mind right now are: - I didn't hit the financial goals I had set for myself by age 40. Then again, having a special needs child is expensive and shifts your priorities
- I feel like a failure at parenting. Before I had kids, I was sure that I would do everything right and my kids would be well-behaved, excel academically, etc. My almost 15 year old dd is my wild child and is making me feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing! She does excel academically but she seems incapable of following rules. I'm not talking "no dessert before dinner" rules, I'm talking "don't steal my car" kind of rules!
My daughter was the same, MT. A nightmare for quite a few years, I'm afraid. Today, though, in her 50s she's a wonderful, loving, caring person of whom I'm very, very proud. Just hang in there. You've succeeded, as far as I'm concerned. You've got great kids, you love them, and they love you. You care, and devote yourself to loving them and raising them to be the best people they can be. They'll stumble. They'll even fall. They'll get up, though, and they'll learn. What you've done for the special needs child is admirable. That's a difficult situation, but you've approached it with love and hope, guiding and giving. It doesn't get better than that. I recall, when I was having such a miserable time with my daughter (also the oldest), thinking I'd failed. I'd let her down somewhere. Then, I remembered myself as a teen and into my early twenties. It was definitely an eye-opener and convinced me there's a genetic aspect to some of this stuff.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2013 9:29:59 GMT -5
She is SO SCREWED!!!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Nov 15, 2013 9:43:19 GMT -5
Carl- Please don't feel like a failure because of fertility issues, those are things beyond our control.
Miss T- My parents still shudder and cringe when someone mentions my teenager years. Lots of sneaking out, boozing it up, sleeping around, dating boys in college when I was in high school, etc. (All while getting nearly straight A's and participating in sports and academic activities) It was a rough few years on ALL of us. But we got past it and now I have a really good relationship with my parents.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 15, 2013 9:43:58 GMT -5
Does this make you worry that the worst thing you might do fir your kids is let them develop unrealistic expectations?
I don't think you can really prevent it. I've always been my worst enemy and 20x harder on myself. My parents don't get it because they weren't exactly tiger parents. My teachers never got why I couldn't see in myself what they did. A couple months ago my boss told me I don't give myself nearly enough credit. DH wants to strangle me sometimes. All my unrealistic expectations spring from my own head. I've been learning to set the bar lower/develoip mini goals along the way so I can force myself to step back and measure my progress/success. Some therapy has helped and I force myself to meet with my boss on a semi-regular basis so we can make sure we're on the same page and I get objective feedback. I met with a TIAA-CREF representative a couple of times to get an objective analysis of my finances. It's just who I am, I can't really point towards any thing or person that created my mindset. It just is.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 15, 2013 9:46:32 GMT -5
Please don't feel like a failure because of fertility issues, those are things beyond our control.
We don't have a lot of guys over on WIR but there are plenty of ladies who have experienced fertility issues on the board. So if you need/want a place to vent or share your feelings you can always post. You'll find a lot of support.
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