justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Nov 12, 2013 17:13:48 GMT -5
If money could rebuild the relationship, shouldn't she be really happy her dad gave her the full YEAR'S tuition/board thinking it would cover just one semester? Than means she had $4500 to play with this semester. That's MORE than the $250/mth she was asking for ON TOP of that and she's not happy. The only way throwing money at the daughter will help is through counseling which BBQ suggested and the girl's parents followed through at got her into counseling.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 16:22:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 17:20:28 GMT -5
Honey, is it possible that your SD lost the scholarships, and that's why they didn't figure in the bill?
Otherwise (I'm just trying to understand)... you say he sent her enough money for the year. Did he send money besides the 3K (which she used to buy the laptop and ?) If so, how much?
You say the budget was 8K for the YEAR,including room and board and tuition? Is that right? If that's right, wouldn't that figure include the scholarship money?
I'm trying to get a handle on the numbers for now.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 17:28:46 GMT -5
Honey, is it possible that your SD lost the scholarships, and that's why they didn't figure in the bill? Otherwise (I'm just trying to understand)... you say he sent her enough money for the year. Did he send money besides the 3K (which she used to buy the laptop and )? If so, how much? 8K per year including room and board and tuition? Is that right? I'm trying to get a handle on the numbers for now. I don't think so. The term "scholarship" is loose - it's like work/study + tuition benefit. I think she just has to get C's or something to keep it. It's so hard to get a straight answer from her. She actually told H today that she has to pay it all first because the scholarship money comes late and then they reimburse her. H is calling the school to see if that is true. (why did this not happen last semester? Or maybe it did? IDK) When someone lies over and over, it's hard to really understand what the hell is going on. And I don't really have the numbers. I get everything 3rd hand from H.... Here's what I understand: budget for room+board+ tuition (less scholarship for 1 semester) = $4k + books, misc. Amount given to DSD at the beginning of semester: $9000 - part of which she blew on the laptop ($1800) and part of which she theoretically still has ~$3200, the rest went to pay outstanding tuition/room/board. Hence H thinking he actually doesn't need to send her a dime, because she should still have ~$4500 (1800 of which she spent on the laptop). She's asking for another $9k. Something is up. Either she is trying to drain the college funds to put in her own account (?) so she has control (?) or she's blowing it all on purses and makeup or... she's flying every weekend to the east coast? I have no idea. She is actually extremely lazy so I don't think she has a secret bank account or could even make her own flight reservations. Honestly, if she said "I want to budget and be in charge of my own money" then at least she would be honest and we could work with that. It's just that she only gives snippets of information at a time and half of the time it is filtered/a lie/exaggeration/etc. This is a Doxie-fied budget. No 2 ways about it.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,681
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 12, 2013 17:29:01 GMT -5
if the money had been put aside for her why not use it to try to rebuild the relationship and make amends? And by the way, money can't buy love. And this does not bode well for her and her boyfriend, either. It would seem like his money (actual or promised for the future) is something she thinks will buy her happiness, judging from what she said. Little does she realize that it won't. And FWIW, I fundamentally agree with your handling of thing, HoneyBBQ. The money left to her from her grandparent should be hers to do as she wishes when she is of whatever age she's supposed to be (if one was stated in the grandparent's will; not all inheritances are given out, in part or in full, at age 18). Other than that, she's accountable. Pay the school what is owed, offer a fixed spending amount extra and that's it. If she wants to go to a pricey Ivy League establishment, tell her what it costs and wish her luck finding sufficient employment to fund it. Perhaps a gap year or two, the way it's done in Great Britain, working full time, would get her the needed funds if she worked 40 hours/week. Not to mention a serious dose of reality. It's hard watching them fight, falter and try to flee. Even harder to see how it affects others, especially a parent. There's no good way to be a disinterested third party here. You can put up a wall between your feelings and the situation, but it will likely not stand. Can't say that it's a surprise. I don't think I could go through it myself, honestly.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 16:22:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 17:34:57 GMT -5
H is calling the school to see if that is true.
I think he should tell the school he accidently "misplaced" all the bills, can they please send duplicates? At least that way he'll know what's going on.
If it's work/study, I did work/study in college and grad school. It was a long time ago, but it makes sense that that money comes later, because you get it for working. It is possible that she is ELIGIBLE for work / study (which on both campuses, IIRC, was basically very well-paid PT work), but not actually DOING it, which is why she KNOWS she needs more money.
I think getting all the bills will help you and your DH see the situation more clearly. He may not like what he sees, but at least he will know what the situation is.
It could also give her the benefit of the doubt. If she is being honest (and I agree it doesn't sound like it) they may be able to negotiate an arrangement, such as, stay there for two years, do well, and then apply to the Ivy League school (which doesn't necessarily mean that you and your DH or even her trust would necessarily foot the entire bill).
I'd start there.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,227
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Nov 12, 2013 17:35:24 GMT -5
Honey, thanks for the update! It's great that your DH is not just handing her money, but is requiring proof that she actually needs what she is asking for. I'm wondering if she equates men with money, as in dads & boyfriends(husbands) are where you go to get money. You know, instead of earning it yourself. Best wishes to you & your family. Don't let her drama tear up you & your DH. It sounds like you're managing the situation as well as possible.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Nov 12, 2013 17:39:57 GMT -5
I see a lot of parallels between the SD and an addict. I'm not saying the SD is an addict at all, but her self-destructive behavior and lack of reality is so similar to addicts. In terms of boundaries with the SD, I would treat her exactly as I would (did) treat relatives who are addicts:
1) Trust is GONE. The lie about the tuition was the end game. There's no point in talking to SD at this point because there is no honesty. 2) Frankly, I wouldn't even pay the tuition bill directly to the school. That's like paying the rent for your addict child's apartment so they don't end up homeless. Let them end up on the streets - the longer you "protect" your child from the consequences of their decisions, the worse it is for them. 3) Calmly, nicely, let the SD do whatever she wants to do with her life. If she wants to destroy it, it is her life to destroy. The sooner she realizes that her life is not a weapon of revenge on her family members, the better. The longer she believes it'll hurt you more than her, the longer she'll cause pain. 4) Get therapy for everyone. It's going to be a long and bumpy ride, and it will only get worse if she gets pregnant. You need a version of Al-Anon but for manipulation.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 17:50:32 GMT -5
H is calling the school to see if that is true.
I think he should tell the school he accidently "misplaced" all the bills, can they please send duplicates? At least that way he'll know what's going on. If it's work/study, I did work/study in college and grad school. It was a long time ago, but it makes sense that that money comes later, because you get it for working. It is possible that she is ELIGIBLE for work / study (which on both campuses, IIRC, was basically very well-paid PT work), but not actually DOING it, which is why she KNOWS she needs more money. I think getting all the bills will help you and your DH see the situation more clearly. He may not like what he sees, but at least he will know what the situation is. It could also give her the benefit of the doubt. If she is being honest (and I agree it doesn't sound like it) they may be able to negotiate an arrangement, such as, stay there for two years, do well, and then apply to the Ivy League school (which doesn't necessarily mean that you and your DH or even her trust would necessarily foot the entire bill). I'd start there. It *is* possible. Then I'd want to know where the 4k is from last year. I think it's "grants + scholarships+ work" - she gets a paycheck every week for her spending money from her work - but it's only a small amount for spending money not counted towards the actual budget. She has the grants and scholarships that knock off the tuition and R/B. But again, I don't know exactly how it works. It's possible she doesn't want to do it anymore - she was very excited to go to this school, live in the dorms, and do the work/study thing in her chosen field. And as I said before, if she wants to switch, that's fine, but it can't be just to run off to the coast to see some boyfriend. If H felt like it was "his" money, then "his" rules apply. But that money was left by his father - who would want this spent SMARTLY and according to HIS terms. The fact that his son's trust got blown on drugs and rehab.... it hurts him a lot. Not because of the money, but because he feels like he failed his OWN father and that money was tarnished. So he feels like his daughter should do the right thing with the money - get an education. If only he could throw money at her to make her happy and love him - he'd do it. But that's not how it works.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 16:22:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 17:51:24 GMT -5
I just remembered how my parents handled my work / study ... they did indeed pay all my tuition / room / board (it was years ago and it was much cheaper then, I'm 53.) And they gave me ZERO spending money, not a dime. The work / study money was my spending money, and I did indeed get paid regularly throughout the year. That might actually be a better way to handle things for your DD. Other thought: I'd keep up hope, for several reasons: one, she is deciding her mom is the "bad guy". Teens rarely can get through the teen years with both parents being "bad guys", especially if they are not together. Two, the counseling may help her, it's early days yet. Three, there ARE hard times with kids, and as tempting as it is sometimes to "throw in the towel", it's not constructive, not at 18, IMO. I would really start with getting the bills, assuming the college will give them to you. If not, I'd tell her, you're not getting another cent from me until you can account for everything, but I'm willing to discuss it with you and see what we can work out, when can we see each other? Honey I know it's not the same, but my DD is NOT academic, AT ALL. After her first year finals, she announced that she failed the finals and would be kicked out of college, so could she move to NY and live with my sister (her aunt) and perfect her English? I asked my sister, who is a VERY smart lady. She said, sure, under one condition: she really did flunk out. If she didn't flunk out, she's not welcome to drop out of school and live here. Turns out DD did NOT flunk out. When I got her exam results and found she passed into the following year, I immediately signed her up, and paid the deposit. She was away on a 4-month internship in the south of France. When she found out what I had done she refused to talk to me for SIX WEEKS (literally). The following semester, DH and I feared she'd flunk out on purpose. But at the end of that semester, she was exactly halfway through (college is 3 years here). She turned the corner, and she said she would finish, hell or high water. What changed? Age, maturity, the positive influence of her friends (many of whom are in 5Y masters programs for law, nursing, biology). Your SD is young, I know it's a real struggle, but it's worth trying still, at her age (as you are!). And things move SO fast at that age ... for all you know, her Ivy League BF will find a new GF next week, and the discussion about the Ivy League school will be off the table. Or she will meet a guy and decide she wants to stay there. It sounds like your DH is making great strides in not letting himself be "taken for a ride". She needs to be honest with him, that's the first step towards healing their relationship (which doesn't seem to interest her for now, but that can change on a dime.) She needs to realize that he can help her work towards what she wants, under the condition that she is honest with him. She can change her goals, she just can't be deceptive and lie. (I'm not even going to address the man / inheritance thing, let's assume that's just being young and stupid).
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 16:22:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 17:57:29 GMT -5
I feel for honey because I imagine that being a step parent can be difficult sometimes even without extra drama. I feel for honey's husband because he doesn't have a good relationship with his daughter. I feel for honey's stepdaughter because it sounds like she's a confused and very angry young lady.
I hope counseling helps her to work through her issues so they don't cause her to totally screw up all her relationships and her life. I hope someone that she's willing to listen to can encourage her to finish college or figure out another path to a career that allows her to make her own way in the world without taking up permanent residency in Mom's basement or needing and depending on a man (Dad, boyfriend or husband) to take care of her for the rest of her life.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,140
|
Post by giramomma on Nov 12, 2013 19:51:59 GMT -5
Update for those who care- There's been some progress and a few steps back. 1. DSD is seeing a counselor at school. DSD says everything that is wrong with her life is because of her overbearing mother (partially true). I'm sure the counselor is helping her to differentiate reality from fiction, but this is just the part we hear. Poor moms. Has your DSD's counselor been fully vetted? Is she a CBT therapist or just a talk therapist? Is she seeing a real counselor, or a counselor in training? Who's insurance is paying for said counselor? Are there limits to therapy costs? My university provided counselors. They where students in the last semester of finishing up their degrees. I explained my home situation to these newbies, and most of them wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole. The first one didn't believe me, had to retell everything with a second one in a room. I was immediately referred to their supervisor, a real counselor. I did find one that was willing to work with me at school. It was a bad fit. Actually, my first three counselors were a bad fit. I didn't hit the jackpot until I had my 4th therapist. And, OMG, she is wonderful. As I moved through my journey, I learned that "talk" therapy did nothing for me. I need CBT if the therapy is going to be effective. I also learned that I had to trust my gut. But, this was much easier to do after being around the block a few times in my 30's. In my 20's I had no clue. My third therapist, perhaps the most crack-pot of them all, told me the following gems: 1) I was being too overprotective of my kids because I would not let my mentally ill/not in any treatment parents have full and complete access to them. According to her, a person with a personality disorder is really "harmless." 2) My DH could go back to his addictive behavior/get high, just so long as he did it occasionally. 3) After one date night, and 5 months of DH being sober, my third therapist said our work was "done" and declared me healed. Never mind that it takes couples 3-5 years to heal from my H's addiction (which any one could figure out through a 2 second google search....) You all are very focused on the money. I'd like to see you focus more on the therapy. I know because of HIPPAA, little can be disclosed to you. But, in your situation, I would at least try to see the style of therapy the therapist focuses on and/or see if you can't get some references incase this therapist doesn't work out. I'd want to hear how she's being asked to change behaviors and thought processes. Has anyone asked what homework your DSD has for therapy? You should be able to get a feel for the therapist's style without having to disclose anything specific about what is being said during the sessions.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,082
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 13, 2013 9:10:26 GMT -5
) My DH could go back to his addictive behavior/get high, just so long as he did it occasionally
And he's still allowed to counsel people?!
|
|
chen35
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 6, 2011 19:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,312
|
Post by chen35 on Nov 13, 2013 9:48:04 GMT -5
2) My DH could go back to his addictive behavior/get high, just so long as he did it occasionally. Everyone knows that it's fine to be an addict, as long as it's only occasional. Geez.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Nov 13, 2013 9:50:10 GMT -5
My DD is 18 and still in HS but we have been hip deep in college info so one thing I learned might be of help to you Honey. There is a paper that the student can sign that is called a "privacy waiver" to give parents access to things like tuition bills and grades. Signing the paper allows the parent to call up the bursar's office themself and ask directly what the charges are for the student and to have them sent directly to them also. I should say it gives the college the right to answer their questions and send the parents the info. Of course most young people don't want to actually sign the thing! But I know of no young person who didn't sign it. If they did say no their parents just laughed and asked then how are you going to pay for everything by yourself? At which point the student signed the paper. Good luck!!!
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2013 11:12:43 GMT -5
Update for those who care- There's been some progress and a few steps back. 1. DSD is seeing a counselor at school. DSD says everything that is wrong with her life is because of her overbearing mother (partially true). I'm sure the counselor is helping her to differentiate reality from fiction, but this is just the part we hear. Poor moms. Has your DSD's counselor been fully vetted? Is she a CBT therapist or just a talk therapist? Is she seeing a real counselor, or a counselor in training? Who's insurance is paying for said counselor? Are there limits to therapy costs? Gira, all your questions are good but I don't have any answers to them. All the information we get is filtered first through DSD and then through her mother. It's like finding a needle in a haystack at the bottom of the swamp. I'm happy at the very minimum that she found someone to talk to. It's a start, and I'll take it.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2013 11:16:14 GMT -5
I wouldn't trust anything mother says. Maybe DSD is very lonely and unhappy at new school and wants to be near her BF because she cares for him and mother is projecting her own money issues/fantasies on DSD. Or maybe it is about the money - which is all this poor girl has been taught in her life. I decided to go to college near my boyfriend because my family was crazy and he was sort of there for me. More than my family anyway. Maybe. She wanted to go to this school. It's possible it isn't working out, but she never complains about about lack of friends or being lonely. It's possible that she is. I don't doubt that she wants to be with this boy - but this is some guy she met on the internet and has seen in person a couple times? I mean, it may be true love, but it may be just the idea of being rescued and flying away. And she has been taught a lot more than it being "all about money". This is something she's focused on, probably because of her mother. This is not something her father (nor I) taught her. We are very fiscally conservative and do not live a lavish lifestyle. Of course the impact of a father is only 50% or less in a standard family, and probably even less due the divorce. But she has been exposed/taught more than this. I hope it is a stage.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Nov 13, 2013 11:42:37 GMT -5
I don't doubt that she wants to be with this boy - but this is some guy she met on the internet and has seen in person a couple times? I mean, it may be true love, but it may be just the idea of being rescued and flying away. Has she even verified this guy's dad is who he says it is? She could be in for a very rude awakening that Prince Ali is really just the street rat Aladdin. Had to go for a different Disney reference besides Prince Charming.
|
|
Works4me
Senior Member
Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
Joined: May 5, 2012 12:11:37 GMT -5
Posts: 2,553
|
Post by Works4me on Nov 13, 2013 22:46:47 GMT -5
Anne - that is priceless - I love it! I have done online dating for a while and find that the BS factor is far less - partly because I background them if I am interested. Also, I am pretty good at reading people and it saves a lot of time. This video makes me just a bit nervous! lol
Honey - Just wanted to say that I admire the job you are doing as a wife and step-mother. You are right that it is a thankless job at best. Actually, the situation has improved as DH is standing up to her. Thanks for the update and keep them coming - it could be far worse. Sending hugs and prayers for all of you.
|
|