sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Oct 24, 2013 21:41:52 GMT -5
I just noticed I'm 'infected' and so are the rest of us except one, and he is 'dead'. One is 'immune'. Must be a very picky disease.
HUH?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 25, 2013 7:49:21 GMT -5
I love this. I may make a needlepoint pillow with this on it.
Honey I'm sorry for what you're having to deal with. In our family, my youngest sister was the princess, enabled my our mom, who babied her and spoiled her and tried to force the world to bend to my youngest sister's wishes. My dad tried to intercede but mom wouldn't allow anyone, even dad, to say anything negative about the princess.
Unfortunately little sister has had a rough experience in the real world. She was able to find a good man to support her and her children, but she is always miserable. She can't keep a job for very long because she becomes convinced her bosses hate her and are mean to her. She can't get along with her SIL, or her MIL's husband, because they hate her and are mean to her. There are people she attends church with and some of her neighbors who she is convinced hate her and are always mean to her. When our mom was sick and in the hospital, little sister fought with several nurses, a social worker and the security guard - because they all hate her and were mean to her. Her drama is endless, and it makes her miserable, and it makes me unwilling to interact with her much, because it sucks the life out of me to be around someone so self absorbed, so constantly unhappy, and so quick to find offense where no offense is intended. She has a great DH, great kids, great house, lots of vacations, she's really blessed, and yet to talk to her, she can hardly stand to make it through the day without having a self pitying melt down over some imagined slight from one of her mortal enemies.
It's unfortunate my mom and your DSD's mom didn't have more insight on what they were doing to their kids. To me, raising a kid to believe they are a princess is a form of abuse. A very insidous form.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 8:23:41 GMT -5
Amen. Trust me, it wasn't easy to tell my DD her bad choices were not going to ruin my life anymore. But it seemed to be the wake up call she needed. Is she perfect? No, she still spends money like there's no tomorrow but I don't bail her out anymore. She'd have plenty of money if she didn't eat out constantly, get her nails done, and shop on something called poshmark. I got suckered one more time for groceries because she "forgot" her debit card so I'm not perfect either. Then she proceeded to buy more groceries than DF and I eat in two weeks. So I'm sure a lot went to waste which infuriates me more than her overcharging on me. No fool like an old fool.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Oct 25, 2013 11:02:15 GMT -5
She's got a mom. She won't totally be on her own. If her mom is willing to tolerate that behavior, so be it. That doesn't mean dad and stepmom have to. If she has no money and no family, maybe she will wake up. Maybe she won't but no way should honey and her husband subject themselves to that nonsense. She may have a mom, but she shouldn't have to lose her dad at 18 because she's being a selfish brat. I don't think that honey and her hubby should put up with disrespectful behavior, but I also don't think that they should cut her off (other than financially). To me she sounds like a pretty typical spoiled 18 year old girl from a divorced family. I think as tough as it is being a step-parent, it's just as tough being a step-child. Except when you are the step-child you have no choice regarding your parents relationships, and you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with the pressure and emotional complexities with the new often ill-defined relationships. I feel bad for her, because despite her poor behavior and the pain she is causing, I suspect she is in quite a lot of pain herself, and doesn't have the ability or self-awareness to recognize that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 11:27:22 GMT -5
That is true but her family is willing to get her help to work through her pain but she isn't ready. When she is, then her family can step in. In the meantime, distancing yourself from a toxic person is a very good thing. Telling her when she can be civil, she is welcome makes a lot of sense. But not another dime until she grows up enough to get the help she needs. HH said it very well, she is becoming a horrid person that isn't liked. That is not how good parents raise their children. Because they turn into horrid adults that no one likes and that can't hold a job, not even a MRS. One!
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Oct 25, 2013 11:35:29 GMT -5
No, she still spends money like there's no tomorrow but I don't bail her out anymore. She'd have plenty of money if she didn't eat out constantly, get her nails done, and shop on something called poshmark. OMG! Poshmark is about to turn into my new obsession...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 11:37:20 GMT -5
So, parents who raised a child to equate money with love, pull their affection along with their cash... How does this help? All it does is reinforce the idea.
I think the adults need to man up too... Say, I messed up. I was upset about you being upset by the divorce/I didn't know how to compete emotionally with your other parent/ whatever the deal.... I used money to symbolize my love and that was a wrong step on my part... It didn't teach you the money lessons you should have learned (or the love ones, unfortunately) ... I knows its hard to break patterns and make better choices, but I need to, for both our sakes... So I'm here to say, I love you. I will give you attention and support as you mitigate your own decisions. I will always love you, but money is no longer going to be the symbol of that love...
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 25, 2013 12:25:01 GMT -5
Getting rid of the spoiled stepdaughter in your lives will only make her worse. Giving her guidance by telling her no and not jumping out of your skins over every little piece of bullshit she delivers will make her better.
Once those bridges are burned with the kid, chances are, she'll NEVER come back. I speak from experience about what happened with my DD and her father/stepmother. And believe me, I am hard on my daughter and didn't raise her to be any princess. She still bears the terrible scars of her father disowning her for being a problematic teen from a divorced home. She's 33 years old.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 25, 2013 19:00:05 GMT -5
Again, lots of interesting perspectives here.
I think this is probably true. She doesn't know how to be happy. enmeshment. That's a word I don't think I knew. We're 11 and half months into the "refusal to speak to us" from DS#2. DH sends him emails at least once per month (DS's phone was shut off several months ago due to his lack of payment to Sprint.) On Father's Day, DS did email DH. That was a big deal for DH. DH is okay with our decision to not let DS come home, but he is hurting by DS's reaction. I like swamp 's suggestion about the communication. I also like oped 's (I think it was her) suggestion about your DH apologizing-- of course that's contingent upon him feeling like he has something to apologize for. I always apologize to my kids when I realize I've screwed up. Again, Hugs!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 20:31:09 GMT -5
Its very normal to not want to be around anyone who is toxic. I'm a firm believer that if you are feeling nasty, you have the right to say how you are feeling but then knock it off. I can't FIX adolescence or a bad parent or your teacher/friends/school whatever your issue is. I can listen but when you want to use me as your whipping boy, no thanks. Enough is enough. Stepdaughter knows she's a freakin bitch on wheels but somehow feels for some reason, she's entitled to make everyone around her miserable because she is. I don't buy into that but if others do, then it's up to them. I wouldn't part with a dime to some snot nosed brat who has this bizarre sense of entitlement. Yup, maybe it's easier to send a check then deal with a bitch, I totally get that, but it's time for your DH to get a grip on what kind of relationship he wants with his DD. if he wants to send a check and be rid of her then keep on keeping on. If he really wants a relationship, then he can figure out how to make it happen. DF and I talked tonight about how much longer he was going to tolerate his DDs behavior. He SAYS he's giving it until December. Then what? He will cut off her allowance? Whoopdie shit. She's has a ton of money anyway and will inherit a ton more when he and his ex croak. She doesn't have to be nice to either of them ever again. They have reaped what they've sown.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 25, 2013 23:07:50 GMT -5
Honey b b q
Thanks for discussing your situation with us. It got me thinking about setting a budget/limits for my kids. Ds is older but DH bought dd a new car. Ds car was all of 3 years old when he got it but he didn't choose it. Grandpa didn't want it anymore so he got it. So anyways he starts complaining about sis's new car and I told him that I was part of a conversation this week where people were shocked to learn a college student wanted a $350 allowance on top of room & board. I told DS his Dad says he gives him $400/month and I know he charges over $100/month on the CC. Told him that will cover new car payment but no other spending $ and we are locked in and lose flexibility.
If we hadn't been discussing this, I probably wouldn't have verbalized too well.
I was already thinking about the limits bc of things sib said about her DD. Sometimes we can learn from other's experiences.
Hugs
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 25, 2013 23:09:59 GMT -5
Sorry I have a new I phone and it is auto correcting my words to different words. Sib is Zib
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2013 6:25:27 GMT -5
I think we can all learn a lot from each other on this board. It enabled me better to talk to DF without being so angry at the hurt his bio is causing him and to articulate better my concerns. His allowance to her doesn't harm us financially but it harms their relationship because it is still BUYING her and it isn't working. He still pays her cell phone bill and she won't talk to him. She is 25 with a well paying job in a lower COLA now but he is trying to still keep contact e only way he knows how. He's been nothing but a wallet from day one and doesn't know how to fix this after all these years. I seriously don't think he can at this point. The pattern has been set. But as far as Honeys SD, she may turn out okay in a few years. DD isn't perfect now but her behavior is a 180! She's focused and has a great career goal. I couldn't be happier. 4.0 so far in chem and anatomy/physiology. Not my thing but very proud. She will make a great PA.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 26, 2013 22:16:14 GMT -5
Glad to hear your dd is doing well in school. Those are tough classes. I hope things improve with DF's DD.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 26, 2013 22:19:03 GMT -5
I think we can all learn a lot from each other on this board. It enabled me better to talk to DF without being so angry at the hurt his bio is causing him and to articulate better my concerns. His allowance to her doesn't harm us financially but it harms their relationship because it is still BUYING her and it isn't working. He still pays her cell phone bill and she won't talk to him. She is 25 with a well paying job in a lower COLA now but he is trying to still keep contact e only way he knows how. He's been nothing but a wallet from day one and doesn't know how to fix this after all these years. I seriously don't think he can at this point. The pattern has been set. But as far as Honeys SD, she may turn out okay in a few years. DD isn't perfect now but her behavior is a 180! She's focused and has a great career goal. I couldn't be happier. 4.0 so far in chem and anatomy/physiology. Not my thing but very proud. She will make a great PA. Good for your DD, Zib. It's wonderful.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 26, 2013 22:24:28 GMT -5
So glad to hear DD is doing well in her classes, Zib! I loved Anatomy and Physiology. There's just sooo much to learn and it's interesting! I'm sure she'll be a wonderful PA, and will get a lot of joy and fulfillment out of her career.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 27, 2013 1:45:48 GMT -5
My oldest sister the one I will not go on Facebook cause she is there, is a toxic bitch and has always been one. She was raised little miss princess, not by my mother but by her father and his mother. Basically the two twits ruined little miss shit head.
She is incapable of ever being happy or satisfied. She is an emotional vampire. It's best to just stay away from these types unless you like high drama over freaking nada.
I lost count of how many relationships this woman has had, it's up in the 20's now. There is no way of ever pleasing her, so why bother.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 27, 2013 6:32:06 GMT -5
It's too bad. I was not the perfect parent and I chose a wrong partner to procreate with so they had no decent male role model but I tried very hard, maybe too hard, to make up for it. DDs former behavior and still some of it, stems from her sperm donor and I reacted to her the same way I reacted to him, let them have their way because fighting for myself wasn't worth the drama. Only when I started seeing how her life was going down the toilet just like his is, did I step up to the plate and start telling her NO. She was very angry for a long time and continued playing games, of which I didn't fall for as much. Finally the games stopped. But it was a very long process, think years. Most of the posters on this forum listened to me go through the hell she put me through. Not knowing the back story, it was ME that was the bad guy and that's okay. Venting here saved my and her relationship a lot of the times because I could share my frustration and get sometimes some understanding and sometimes some advice, and some times a kick in the head to remind me that she could still turn out alright and sure enough, she did. I worry about her making a starter marriage but there are worse things she could do.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 27, 2013 8:35:18 GMT -5
My oldest sister the one I will not go on Facebook cause she is there, is a toxic bitch and has always been one. She was raised little miss princess, not by my mother but by her father and his mother. Basically the two twits ruined little miss shit head.
She is incapable of ever being happy or satisfied. She is an emotional vampire. It's best to just stay away from these types unless you like high drama over freaking nada.
I lost count of how many relationships this woman has had, it's up in the 20's now. There is no way of ever pleasing her, so why bother.
There are some people you truly cannot have a relationship with even if you want too. They just choose to make it impossible so what else can you do?
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 27, 2013 16:32:57 GMT -5
My oldest sister the one I will not go on Facebook cause she is there, is a toxic bitch and has always been one. She was raised little miss princess, not by my mother but by her father and his mother. Basically the two twits ruined little miss shit head.
She is incapable of ever being happy or satisfied. She is an emotional vampire. It's best to just stay away from these types unless you like high drama over freaking nada.
I lost count of how many relationships this woman has had, it's up in the 20's now. There is no way of ever pleasing her, so why bother.
There are some people you truly cannot have a relationship with even if you want too. They just choose to make it impossible so what else can you do?
Oh freaking yeah that. This morning she left 2 convoluted messages within 3 minutes on my answering machine. Then I find out she phoned sister upstairs and left another convoluted message, sister up north and left another convoluted message. Then she tracked down my BIL at his watering hole.
All this cause she called upstairs and they didn't answer the phone. See what I mean all this drama over NADA.
It always takes me a good 10 to 15 minutes to figure out her calls cause while she talks to you on the phone, shes also talking to her current significant other in her apartment and chatting on Skype.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:17:51 GMT -5
Update for those who care- There's been some progress and a few steps back. 1. DSD is seeing a counselor at school. DSD says everything that is wrong with her life is because of her overbearing mother (partially true). I'm sure the counselor is helping her to differentiate reality from fiction, but this is just the part we hear. Poor moms. 2. DSD texted him to send her $9,000 for next semester. H said he needed to see the bill. DSD sent H a bill. The original budget for the entire YEAR of room + board+ tuition was $8,000. He sent her 3k extra already that went partially to the laptop and partially to ..?? if you recall the story. So H looked at the bill and it didn't include any of her scholarship money. It's like a "projected costs" which don't include any of her fairly substantial scholarships. As far as he can tell, he already sent her enough money for the entire year of school, so he wrote back that he wasn't going to send her any more money until she could prove there was actually a need for it. So she is purposefully (?) being deceitful and trying to get more money - at least that is H's opinion of her behavior because he is positive she knows exactly how much the tuition/room/board was and is just trying to pull the wool over his eyes. 3. DSD told her mother she wants to quit the school she is in (and forfeit her scholarship) and move to the east coast and attend a $$$$$$$$ ivy league school so that she can be near her boyfriend. Which I find hilarious because she's not getting into any ivy league school. And the whole agreement for her to live in the dorms at her current school was that the money in her college fund including the scholarship would be enough, so she could live there. So a) if she gives up her scholarship she's supposed to move back home instead of living in the dorms and b) the cost of this ivy league school is literally and exactly 8X more expensive per year than the entire budget. Other random musings - DSD's boyfriend's father (got that?) is the CFO to a very large and publicly traded company. So according to her mother- DSD wants to marry the boyfriend so that she'll be rich. Because "when boyfriend's father steps down as CFO, the boyfriend will take over and be rich and inherit everything". Which of course, isn't how corporate America works, isn't how marriage works, and certainly isn't how inheritance works. So, while this boy may or may not be rich in the future, there is no real indication that she'll see any of it. It's depressing to me that a beautiful, smart, and talented young woman who is 18 already just wants to marry wealthy and live this weird life of Stepford wives or Housewives of New Jersey or something. I wonder if this is what modern television and facebook/internet/blogs are doing to people. All I wanted at 18 was to get away from my mother and have fun in college, learn stuff, flirt with boys, and ... uh... do things that are legal in my state but probably not in yours. Anyways, we haven't heard back yet from her about not getting any more money since he rejected her bill.
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Nov 12, 2013 15:21:21 GMT -5
Other random musings - DSD's boyfriend's father (got that?) is the CFO to a very large and publicly traded company. So according to her mother- DSD wants to marry the boyfriend so that she'll be rich. Because "when boyfriend's father steps down as CFO, the boyfriend will take over and be rich and inherit everything". Which of course, isn't how corporate America works, isn't how marriage works, and certainly isn't how inheritance works. So, while this boy may or may not be rich in the future, there is no real indication that she'll see any of it. Sorry, but this part was hilarious!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 15:23:20 GMT -5
Good for your DH for asking for a bill and not sending more money till what he's already given is accounted for. Keep it up and don't backslide based on her reaction.
I'd let DSD apply for the ivy league school and get rejected, it'd be a good dose of reality. From the sounds of it her boyfriend might be a legacy. Us mere mortals don't have it as easy.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 12, 2013 15:25:32 GMT -5
So this is a 3rd school she's expressing interest in (current school, archeology/anthropology and now Ivy League?)
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Nov 12, 2013 15:30:36 GMT -5
Other random musings - DSD's boyfriend's father (got that?) is the CFO to a very large and publicly traded company. So according to her mother- DSD wants to marry the boyfriend so that she'll be rich. Because "when boyfriend's father steps down as CFO, the boyfriend will take over and be rich and inherit everything". Which of course, isn't how corporate America works, isn't how marriage works, and certainly isn't how inheritance works. So, while this boy may or may not be rich in the future, there is no real indication that she'll see any of it. Sorry, but this part was hilarious!! It really kind of is. Sorry. How do they think large public companies work? Yes, a bigwig can often help someone get a job, but CFO is not a royal title that gets handed down by birth order.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:30:40 GMT -5
So this is a 3rd school she's expressing interest in (current school, archeology/anthropology and now Ivy League?) Uh, I think that it's the second. It's hard to tell because she never really says what she wants - it's shrouded in secrecy and you have to take snippets from here and there. I still can't figure out archaeology/anthropology at all, but I imagine she wants to study this at the Ivy League School. Which really means - "I want to live near my boyfriend".
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:31:04 GMT -5
Sorry, but this part was hilarious!! It really kind of is. Sorry. How do they think large public companies work? Yes, a bigwig can often help someone get a job, but CFO is not a royal title that gets handed down by birth order. We're not a monarchy?? Huh. Guess she's not majoring in history.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 12, 2013 15:35:05 GMT -5
Honey, this may actually turn out to be a good development for you. The more of this blatant scamming sh*t she tries on your DH, the easier it will get for him to say no to her. Reality may be biting her in the posterior sooner than she expects this way
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Nov 12, 2013 15:43:22 GMT -5
It really kind of is. Sorry. How do they think large public companies work? Yes, a bigwig can often help someone get a job, but CFO is not a royal title that gets handed down by birth order. We're not a monarchy?? Huh. Guess she's not majoring in history.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 15:50:46 GMT -5
Honey, Dad needs to give this girl a talk that "A man is not a plan". Wow!
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