NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 15:53:50 GMT -5
I'm betting daddy would force a pre-nup if it ever got to the point where the kids were discussing marriage. She's going to be in for a surprise.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:54:12 GMT -5
Honey, Dad needs to give this girl a talk that "A man is not a plan". Wow! I agree, however, I don't think she's receptive to that discussion at the moment. :/
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:55:41 GMT -5
Honey, this may actually turn out to be a good development for you. The more of this blatant scamming sh*t she tries on your DH, the easier it will get for him to say no to her. Reality may be biting her in the posterior sooner than she expects this way Yeah, his worry is she's just say "FINE" and drop out and live in her mom's basement. She's extremely acute. She knows hurting herself hurts H. She uses this as a weapon in her arsenal. I don't think H will cave, but it will hurt him if she takes this route.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 15:58:10 GMT -5
I'm betting daddy would force a pre-nup if it ever got to the point where the kids were discussing marriage. She's going to be in for a surprise. Yeah, the dumbness of the plan .... she's not even scratching the surface here. I doubt the boy-toy realizes that Daddy will be protecting his assets, too, and won't be giving them to boy-toy without supervision like you describe. And just because it's Daddy's money doesn't mean it'll EVER be his..... I mean, he could leave it all to his CAT, or charity, or to the organization... I mean, jeez. The stupendous ignorance here.... Not enough of these in the world to express:
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:01:24 GMT -5
Honey, this may actually turn out to be a good development for you. The more of this blatant scamming sh*t she tries on your DH, the easier it will get for him to say no to her. Reality may be biting her in the posterior sooner than she expects this way Yeah, his worry is she's just say "FINE" and drop out and live in her mom's basement. She's extremely acute. She knows hurting herself hurts H. She uses this as a weapon in her arsenal. I don't think H will cave, but it will hurt him if she takes this route.
Why does he allow himself to be hurt by her actions ? She is an adult [okay you can argue that one], but her life choices is just that her life choices. Basically he needs to cut the rope and let her do what she needs to do. As long as daddy is there to pick up her pieces, she will not become responsible.
Seriously good luck.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 16:01:30 GMT -5
Yeah, his worry is she's just say "FINE" and drop out and live in her mom's basement
She might but it's her own stupid choice to cut off her nose to spite her face. One of the hardest things to do when establishing boundaries is to call the person's bluff and accept you have no control over their choices. Otherwise they'll emotionally blackmail you forever.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:04:49 GMT -5
Yeah her spitefulness won't last long [for this situation] if she is set free.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:07:40 GMT -5
Honey I see my wacky sister all through this. You need to cut the rope and I do know what your going through. My mom supported this sister up until she was 40 years old, it was heart breaking seeing my mom scrimp on us cause wacky on husband #14 couldn't get her freaking act together.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:17:02 GMT -5
Jaguar - it hurts him because it's his daughter. How could it not hurt him? It doesn't mean it'll change his actions (and support her) but it will definitely hurt him if she drops out and wastes her life.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:19:04 GMT -5
Jaguar - it hurts him because it's his daughter. How could it not hurt him? It doesn't mean it'll change his actions (and support her) but it will definitely hurt him if she drops out and wastes her life.
Hon I know, but he has to do it, cause otherwise he will be supporting her when she is 40 cause well she will expect that. In my home I had to become the bad guy, I had to do it.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:20:06 GMT -5
Her wasting her life is her actions, that's nothing to do with him. You can't control people, it don't work that way.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 16:20:27 GMT -5
Yeah, his worry is she's just say "FINE" and drop out and live in her mom's basement. She's extremely acute. She knows hurting herself hurts H. She uses this as a weapon in her arsenal. I don't think H will cave, but it will hurt him if she takes this route.
Why does he allow himself to be hurt by her actions ? She is an adult [okay you can argue that one], but her life choices is just that her life choices. Basically he needs to cut the rope and let her do what she needs to do. As long as daddy is there to pick up her pieces, she will not become responsible.
Seriously good luck.
I can understand why it would be painful watching your child (adult or not) make choices that are harmful to them. Giving your child tough love doesn't mean your heart won't ache.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:22:12 GMT -5
See I had to become responsible at 15 years old, so WTF did miss shit get to be supported with a husband in tow when she was 40. NO, not in my books.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:24:18 GMT -5
Yes your heart will ache cutting this out will hurt. All my mom could say when I stood up to my sister was "can't you all get along". Meanwhile I caught her stealing from me. It just boggles my mind how some people will use others.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:29:55 GMT -5
Yeah, his worry is she's just say "FINE" and drop out and live in her mom's basement. She's extremely acute. She knows hurting herself hurts H. She uses this as a weapon in her arsenal. I don't think H will cave, but it will hurt him if she takes this route. You really need to stop seeing this 18 yo girl as the enemy here. My DD says dumb stuff all time, makes impossible plans, they're teenagers - that's what they do. I sure don't gloat about her eventual comeuppance. You've got this scenario of the evil step daughter hurting poor DH with you as his protector, trying to shield him from the pain. If my DD dropped out of school and moved into the basement for the long haul - my thoughts would be with her - and what was going wrong in her world that she lost confidence in herself and her dreams. I sure wouldn't be worrying about how her difficulties were hurting me - or anyone else - except for DD herself. Really? I shouldn't be worried about my SPOUSE? Are you kidding me? And when have I ever spoken about MY feelings and ME being hurt? I don't appreciate your characterization of me - I never said she was evil. And I have NEVER "gloated" about any comeuppance. In fact, I said she was beautiful, smart and talented. I have been working to HELP her, I am the one who suggested the counseling to H (due to suggestions in this thread), who in term suggested it to the mother, who got her to do it. I live 2000 miles away and have a 2 yr old to take care of. What exactly is it that I'm supposed to do? I wrote this thread to get ideas to help her and to vent. I have a right to do both. It is frustrating to me to watch this unfold and be very helpless in the whole situation. You are really making me out to be a wicked step mother and I don't appreciate it. Your replies have nothing to do with the reality. You are perceiving things which aren't really there. And nothing in your reply is actually helpful, it's just telling me what to feel and what not to feel and who I'm supposed to care about and who I'm not. How exactly is that helpful? Oh wait, it's not. If you aren't going to bother reading what I actually write and project your own issues or issues that you have fabricated on me than please don't bother replying in this thread any more.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 12, 2013 16:31:34 GMT -5
Honey, Dad needs to give this girl a talk that "A man is not a plan". Wow! Are you sure because my DH (who is never wrong btw) told me just this weekend that a girl could earn a phd by sleeping with her professor. Imho, I agree with the "A man is not a plan" and that is what I will tell DD. Unfortunately, my DS's girlfriend seems to be going with the Man being the plan thing.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:34:38 GMT -5
Honey, Dad needs to give this girl a talk that "A man is not a plan". Wow! Are you sure because my DH (who is never wrong btw) told me just this weekend that a girl could earn a phd by sleeping with her professor. Imho, I agree with the "A man is not a plan" and that is what I will tell DD. Unfortunately, my DS's girlfriend seems to be going with the Man being the plan thing. Huh. I slept around and got a PhD, but not with my professor! Guess I did it wrong.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 16:37:46 GMT -5
Is it just A professor or all of them, my advisor and my board? Either way it'd probably be quicker than doing it the other way. Wonder if DH will approve the plan?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 12, 2013 16:38:35 GMT -5
I don't know if DF will ever grow a pair and deal with his DD. I'm sorry for him but its his choice to be used and abused. I can't fix it or him. So be it. It took me years to grow a pair and stand up to DD. Best thing I ever did for both of us.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 12, 2013 16:39:09 GMT -5
Honey are you and your DH in counseling, so you can learn to better protect yourselves emotionally ?
Yeah I was scared when I finally stood up to my sister. I was scared mom wouldn't back me. I was scared what my other siblings would do. But I got help and I learned to stand up and not be used.
Go well hon.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:42:54 GMT -5
Every time she doesn't act the way you want her to - you push for more monetary control over her through your DH. And he does it - and she knows this and interprets this a competition for his affection. I don't PUSH for anything. I listen, and I try to help and make suggestions. I'm an equal partner in my spouse's life and he values my input. And by the way, you're a complete jerk for suggesting that I purposefully pit my spouse against his daughter.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 16:43:58 GMT -5
Random thought but honey can your DH pay the tuition money directly to the school? That's what my grandmother did because that way the money went exactly where it was supposed to.
She also expected me to provide my fin aid statement and a breakdown of current college costs before she'd write a check.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:45:59 GMT -5
Honey are you and your DH in counseling, so you can learn to better protect yourselves emotionally ?
Yeah I was scared when I finally stood up to my sister. I was scared mom wouldn't back me. I was scared what my other siblings would do. But I got help and I learned to stand up and not be used.
Go well hon. No. We are not in counseling. But it's ok because apparently I'm just a wicked step mother who hates my step daughter and forces her father to do things just to make her life miserable while I sit on my throne and laugh.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 16:47:07 GMT -5
you are demonizing perfectly ordinary and average teenage behavior. Every time she doesn't act the way you want her to - you push for more monetary control over her through your DH. And he does it - and she knows this and interprets this a competition for his affection. Are you sure you aren't seeing it the same way? I don't think it's monetary control to ask for the tuition bill rather than just sending a check for whatever amount she says she needs for tuition. Or if it is monetary control, I don't see anything wrong with it. I also don't see anything wrong with tightening the purse strings when you realize that the amount of money needed for expenses has been exaggerated by several thousands of dollars. That's my understanding of what happened when Dad received the tuition "bill". Did I misunderstand?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 16:49:46 GMT -5
you are demonizing perfectly ordinary and average teenage behavior. Every time she doesn't act the way you want her to - you push for more monetary control over her through your DH. And he does it - and she knows this and interprets this a competition for his affection. Are you sure you aren't seeing it the same way? I don't think it's monetary control to ask for the tuition bill rather than just sending a check for whatever amount she says she needs for tuition. Or if it is monetary control, I don't see anything wrong with it. I also don't see anything wrong with tightening the purse strings when you realize that the amount of money needed for expenses has been exaggerated by several thousands of dollars. That's my understanding of what happened when Dad received the tuition "bill". Did I misunderstand? No, you did not misunderstand.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 12, 2013 16:51:54 GMT -5
I don't think it's monetary control to ask for the tuition bill rather than just sending a check for whatever amount she says she needs for tuition.
Apparently my grandmother demonized me and was controlling by expecting me to be transparent with my college costs. If I'd lied she would have yanked the money faster than my head can spin. The money absolutely came with stings attached. Honey's DH shouldn't have to continue to be an endless wallet now that it's been discovered that costs have been exaggerated in the past. Till the rest of the money is accounted for I see no issues in not giving her more.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 12, 2013 17:01:33 GMT -5
Is it just A professor or all of them, my advisor and my board? Either way it'd probably be quicker than doing it the other way. Wonder if DH will approve the plan? I think he was thinking a professor b/c he was talking about a woman who became a professor by sleeping with one of his professor. Apparently he ghost wrote her work? They eventually got married had a couple of kids and then got divorced. I was thinking that I should have asked if it was OK if I used his plan too. LOL. I think he is just OK with doing things the easy way if it is available to you. He does not look down on women and their abilities. I think if someone suggested his daughter adopt this plan, he would go through the roof though. Plan not well thought out imo.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 17:04:40 GMT -5
they have hardly seen much of each other since the divorce in her early teens and then he moved away. I'm really getting exhausted correcting you. a) Not true, and b) not the case. I sound like Doxie but you need to go back and read again. This is not what happened. Seriously, you are projecting way too much about what apparently is happening in your life into this thread. I am from a home where I had many "step" fathers over the years. I know exactly what it is like to be second place in your parent's eyes and heart. I know exactly how much it hurts to be on the bottom of the ladder. I have spent every chance I have had to foster and nurture both a good relationship with my stepchildren and TRY to help their father have a good relationship with them too in the past ~10 years. It is my PRIDE and HONOR here, because I have BEEN there. I go out of my way for both his children and do things for them I won't do for my own kid and things I personally don't agree with. And you know what? It's FINE. Because that is what I signed up for. I do all the things normal parent do for them, and I get NO thanks, NO cards, NO hugs, nothing. It is a vapid hole where I give and give and receive nothing in return. And you know what? It's FINE. But what's NOT FINE is his daughter's behavior. It is NOT NORMAL. Children to not try to steal $9,000 from their parents. This is NOT NORMAL NOR ACCEPTABLE. My H is concerned about her mental and emotional state. If we give her $9,000 who's to say she won't just fly out to the East Coast and drop out of school? She's an adult, she can do what she wants. But she wants US to fund her choices. We can't fund things we fundamentally do not agree with. My H doesn't want her to drop out and get married and not have an education or a means of providing for herself. He wants the BEST for her. And so do I. I do what I can to listen and help and guide. There is no right or wrong answer here, though you seem to think you have them all. But seriously, you need to step out and think about what you are projecting about me. You are getting it wrong and saying horribly hurtful things about me. You need to STOP. RIGHT. NOW.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 17:07:41 GMT -5
I think the money issue with honey's DH and stepdaughter is similar to money issues with couples. It's just a symptom of larger problems in the relationship. Maybe for whatever reason, the stepdaughter thinks that getting money from him is the only use she has for her Dad. I don't know. I do know that I would be upset and feel used if money was the only thing my child was willing to communicate with me about and even moreso if they lied to or misled me to get more money than they needed instead of just asking me for the extra.
ETA: those were my thoughts after reading Rukh's post #350
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 17:07:50 GMT -5
if the money had been put aside for her why not use it to try to rebuild the relationship and make amends? And by the way, money can't buy love.
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