HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 10:26:24 GMT -5
She is a freshman in college. She is, for a lack of better terminology, a spoiled brat. She used to be very sweet and is a very smart girl. We kept thinking she'd grow out of the teenager monster-girl stage, but she's 18 and hasn't yet. We hoped when she went to college that she would realize how lucky she is and appreciate what she has. She doesn't yet. And its not so much that she is a brat, but she is hateful and rude.
I could write a novel about everything she's done to give the back story, but I'll just keep it short. There is a college fund provided by her grandfather that will pay for part of her college, and we have some funds set aside as well since it probably won't cover everything. She lied to H about her expenses so she could go buy a brand new $1800 laptop (yes, you read that right). She also asked for a $250/month allowance. My H wrote her a check for $100 and asked her for a budget if she wanted more. She texted back that she hated him, she never wanted to speak to him again, and she would never let him meet his future grandchildren. Did I mention this was when H's mom (her grandmother) was in the hospital with a potentially fatal brain injury? (he was there visiting)
Right now she is on a partial scholarship for theater (oh well, we support her). She texted H last night that she needs a copy of his CV because she is applying to schools (?? so much for never speaking to us again). I guess she wants to switch schools and now get a degree in anthropology and archaeology and needs to go to a different college (and abandon her 50% scholarship).
She has never EVER in her entire life shown any interest in either of those subjects. I am frustrated because we want to support her education, but honestly she is just so horrible to deal with my H is so upset... I told him just give her the money (we are joint owners on the primary account and sole owners on the second account) and tell her to do whatever she wants with it. If she gets a degree, fine. If not, fine. Her choices, she's old enough.
H doesn't want to do that because he knows she's so irresponsible with money it'll be gone and she'll never finish her degree. I'm upset at him because I told him he needed to lay out a contract and expectations BEFORE college ever started. He didn't. He thought it would just be ok. If she never finishes and blows all the money I think that's her problem. I also have a 2 yr old's college account to fund.
Another long story short, but H's son also had the same set up except spent all his money on drugs and subsequent rehab because we gave him access to the money. So now we are funding his college education for the third time. (except he is all grown up and is actually doing well now and is thankful so I'm ok with it).
Just for background... we both have PhDs and put ourselves through school without a dime from either set of parents. HARUMP!
Anyways. There's really no point to this story. I'm just mad at how ungrateful she is. She is horrible and demanding to everyone and nobody can stand to be around her (grandmothers, aunts, her own mother have all told us the same thing). And I hate the time and emotional drain she causes my spouse even more than the financial one.
I try really hard to not be a wicked stepmother, but JEEZ. This girl is just out of control. The end..
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 23, 2013 10:36:45 GMT -5
Personally if I were your DH I'd cut her off and keep your money for yourselves. Her money from her grandfather if it's hers to own I'd go ahead and hand it over and let her blow it and not give her one red cent when she realizes she f-ed up.
But I'm mean. My kid's college money will most definetly come with strings attached. I own the account so I can change who the money goes to at any time, be a brat and I have no problems keeping that money. I'll even pay the penalty to take it out of the 529 if I have to.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 23, 2013 10:37:10 GMT -5
Sorry My sister has ungrateful step-daughters and it's hard to watch them play their dad like your DSD seems to be doing. The emotional toll is worse than the financial one. You could just cut her off, but that would automatically make you the bad guy for all eternity. There's just no winning in this situation.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 10:38:29 GMT -5
Maybe she is on drugs.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 23, 2013 10:39:47 GMT -5
What if DH tells her that he will only reimburse for good grades, not pay upfront? That way it's on her to do well and prove it first before she gets the $$.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 23, 2013 10:42:02 GMT -5
So, you know how I harp on responsibility, but I don't know how much maturity you can expect from an 18 yr old, especially since it seems that she is not used to "poverty".
Either you try to do something about it since the time they are born or have to wait for them to grow out of it. Some never do.
It sucks and it's very tough, but I don't know how realistic it would be to expect her to "grow up" just bc the is 18
Good luck, sounds like it sucks right now
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 23, 2013 10:44:27 GMT -5
I agree that maybe the money you have put aside you should hold on to. You can choose to give it to her later if she matures. If you want to give her the money left by her grandfather, then go ahead.
Sorry for the stress. In my opinion, being a stepparent is the most thankless job around.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Oct 23, 2013 10:45:15 GMT -5
DH needs to sit her down, & tell her expectations. If she meets expectations, she gets X amount of money. If not, he needs to tell her she's gotta put on her big girl panties, & do it on her own. No parent owes a brat a single dime!
I wouldn't give her the lump sum, because I agree she'll blow it on "stuff", & then find a reason to blame you guys. First up, she needs to get a part-time job, & begin to learn the real value of money.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 10:46:14 GMT -5
You and your husband should decide exactly how much money you're willing to contribute to her education and on what terms. Then let her make her decisions and live with them. I found that it was best to get all that straightened out up front so there would be no confusion.
FWIW, both my children took out loans and went to private colleges against my advice. I told DD I'd help her repay the loans ONLY if she graduated. I bought her books, and paid for a few things for her. DS's total loans would have been astronomical (I didn't want anything to do with that), so instead of saying I would help repay the loans, I contributed towards his tuition (he was still short after a scholarship and the loan) and bought his books and supplies. I refused to get any loans for them at the time, but probably would have considered it at some point in the future if they needed me to, IF they'd stuck with it and proved they were serious about what they were doing.
They both dropped out and they have to deal with the loans on their own. I don't even want to hear about it. I don't feel bad because I was very clear with both of them about what I was willing to do while they were making their decisions, and ultimately what they chose was completely on them.
Hopefully your stepdaughter will get over being bratty and ungrateful as she matures.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 23, 2013 10:47:33 GMT -5
HoneyBBQ, being a stepmother is one of the toughest jobs on the planet, even under the best circumstances and this isn't the best circumstance. So first, be nice to yourself and appreciate the fact that you're in a bit of a no-win situation here.
No advice to give on the stepdaughter thing since not only is that probably too late to quickly change but you're not the one to be in a position to make any changes anyway. But please, please - for your sake and the sake of your 2 year old, do some soul searching and take a good, honest inventory of how your DH contributed to creating the situation with his two older children.
Doubtless, part of the problem was the mom and of course he didn't have full control. But he is the dad and choices that he did or didn't make not only helped create the situation, but allowed it to continue and for both kids to feel it's OK to interact with him in a very unhealthy way. If both of his older kids turned out with huge issues, you need to understand how that happened so you can make darn sure the pattern doesn't repeat with your daughter.
Good luck and again, be kind to yourself. This is a tough situation where you suffer all of the downsides but have very little input or control.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 23, 2013 10:47:36 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about this! However, 18 is still too young to grow out of the bratty, ungrateful stage, unfortunately. If it is going to happen it won't happen for a while yet, particularly if she doesn't experience any hardship or have to actually WORK for anything she wants.
I'd make some stipulations and requirements in order for her to receive any more money from you. If she's completely walking away from 50% of a scholarship that tells me she has no real concept of the value of money. Whatever amount that 50% amounts to I would deduct that right off the bat from the money she wants to go to the other college (should you decide to do that). And IF you choose to continue to fund her schooling I think progress reports or grades should be shown to you and met at certain levels.
Overall, sounds like a big headache and I'm not sure exactly what you should do since I don't know all the details, but I DO know the stress of dealing with a step-daughter who has no concept of the value of money and just expects it to be handed to her and all her necessities paid for. Makes me want to knock on her head and ask if anyone is home...
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Oct 23, 2013 10:47:53 GMT -5
I think your DH is right not to turn the education money over to her without a plan. It would be nice for you if he did and then washed his hands of her, but if he paid for his son to go to college three time he would probably do the same for his daughter. So it is better for him to be strict and ration out the money trying to get her through on the first try.
I really don't think he would just tell her its her problem when he paid for his son three times.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Oct 23, 2013 10:53:10 GMT -5
I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom while she was in the hospital with a grandparent. I'm pretty sure she would have slapped me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 23, 2013 10:54:13 GMT -5
Sometimes they do improve. I wouldn't have given any odds for DD to pull her head out of her ass but at 24 she has done so and it's remarkable. It's very hard to forget what she put me through but I'm working on it. Last night DF FINALLY agreed to pull the plug on Pincesses allowance and give it to his aunt who needs help caring for her husband with Alzheimer's. Things do get better. But don't give her the college money now because she will piss it away and still come t you for more. Don't give her anymore just because she dropped the college that gave her a scholarship. She needs some time off to mature. She can get a job or join peace crop or whatever. She must be living with mom, let mom deal with t since that sense of entitlement came from somewhere.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Oct 23, 2013 11:05:26 GMT -5
I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom while she was in the hospital with a grandparent. I'm pretty sure she would have slapped me. I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom- regardless of where she were- I'd be slapped without hesitation.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Oct 23, 2013 11:16:23 GMT -5
I think many of us would have been knocked into the middle of next week for speaking like that to a parent.
Being a step-parent is a very hard job. My brother and I had some epic battles with our stepmom. However, she did my mom's job that mom couldn't be bothered to do. Even now that her and my dad have been divorced for 8 years, I still ask for her guidance on some things.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 11:19:41 GMT -5
I wasn't an angel in college- to put it delicately, I dated a lot. It was the 70s. Anything you got could be cured with a little penicillin (I never needed it) and I was careful not to get pregnant. OTOH, I was profoundly grateful that my parents were paying for my education and I made the Dean's list every quarter in a YM-approved major (Math) with rigorous electives (Physics, Economics and Fortan programming). When I came home I sat in the pews with them in church despite the fact that I really didn't want to be there because they were supporting me and I wanted to show respect for their values.
It bothers me that your SD considers you useful for dispensing money but that's about it. She also doesn't seem to appreciate the value of an education, so why help her get one? I totally agree with telling her from now on she pays for the semester/quarter up fron, you reimburse for decent grades. If she has to drop out for awhile and work at a crap job to make money maybe she'll realize why she needs an education.
And sometimes they do come around. We had a great relationship with DS and he joined a conservative church shortly after going away to college so we didn't have the typical problems, but due to a bad video game habit and some ADD he took awhile to get his act together academically. He was nearly thrown out for bad grades. It took a good psychologist and a couple of years of medication but he got his act together and now has a degree and a good job. I hope your SD eventually realizes what a gift an education can be.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 23, 2013 11:24:52 GMT -5
I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom while she was in the hospital with a grandparent. I'm pretty sure she would have slapped me. This. Actually, I probably would have been missing teeth, literally. I think college can be a huge wake up call if that's the first time kids are exposed to the realities of life. I also think you can't completely fault someone f the rules suddenly change after 18 years with little to no preparation before that. I also think that the bratty stage shouldn't be expected. DH and I certainly didn't go through it, but we knew better. (DH was also worth and had complete access to 6 figures at age 18. We've touched it once for a house, and that's it, so far, in nearly 20 years.) Remember, all the drama stops when you say it does. You can create boundaries that might force your H to deal with this. (No, Mr. BBQ. I will no longer discuss the Step daughter issue with you until you get some boundaries in place and she treats the family respectfully. No Mr. BBQ, I will not spend a Thanksgiving with SD if she isn't respectful. )
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 23, 2013 11:29:29 GMT -5
Well, being immature and bratty is one thing but I agree that her actions fall more on the side of hateful and mean. Most 18 yr olds make mistakes and bad decisions but they are not all rude hateful individuals. I would give her the money her grandfather gave her (since I would consider it her money) but not any other money until she has proven herself. She needs to show her grads, etc. to get more support.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 23, 2013 11:38:42 GMT -5
I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom while she was in the hospital with a grandparent. I'm pretty sure she would have slapped me. I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom- regardless of where she were- I'd be slapped without hesitation. Me too.....and my head would probably still be spinning today! Honey....it sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and talk about what exactly you're going to do and how much more help she is going to get. Whatever you do, both of you need to be on the same page. Out of curiosity, why did she need your husband's CV to apply to another college?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 11:41:29 GMT -5
Personally if I were your DH I'd cut her off and keep your money for yourselves. We're considering it. However, while some of it is "our" money (i.e. my paycheck contributed to it) part of it was around before me (actually, it was part of the divorce settlement that H be in control because the x would have spent it). We're not talking huge sums of money here, but mostly it's the principal that irritates me (and the hurt she is causing). I wish. we'd know how to deal with that. What if DH tells her that he will only reimburse for good grades, not pay upfront? That way it's on her to do well and prove it first before she gets the $$. This is something I thought he should do ahead of time. Set out expectations, sign a contract, everyone knows what to do. However, my H tends to try to avoid her so much because everything becomes so much drama.... he just stuck his head in the sand and now we are paying the price. So, you know how I harp on responsibility, but I don't know how much maturity you can expect from an 18 yr old, especially since it seems that she is not used to "poverty". I guess. I was 17 when I left for college and never ever went home again. While I also wasn't used to poverty, I certainly wasn't used to things being handed to me willy-nilly. She is also going to a commuter school, so we thought she'd learn something by being around older people who likely are working full time to put themselves through school. Not yet, I guess. I forgot a funny anecdote. She wanted several thousand dollars out of her college fund to get into a sorority. My H said he'd think about, which ended up in another one of her tirades. Turns out, she didn't get into any sorority anyways! Who would have thought?? I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom while she was in the hospital with a grandparent. I'm pretty sure she would have slapped me. When my H told me this. My jaw dropped and I had temporary insanity where I imagined buying myself a plane ticket, flying to her dorm room, and slapping the sh*t out of her. Her grandmother could have died. I just couldn't contain myself... the disrespect... the lack of empathy... the total ME ME ME attitude. The entitlement... I would have had the living sh*t beat out of me if even half the stuff that came out of her mouth came out of mine! Anyways, thanks for the support. I am just beside myself.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 11:42:08 GMT -5
I'm trying to imagine saying something like that to my mom- regardless of where she were- I'd be slapped without hesitation. . Out of curiosity, why did she need your husband's CV to apply to another college? Something about needing to put down her parents' education/schools attended/etc on the application form to a new school.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 11:53:23 GMT -5
IMHO, the step daughter's actions don't seem all that out of whack to me. They seem pretty normal. I was the good kid in my house, but my older brother was passively aggressively terrible to my mom and my young sister hated my mom throughout her teenage years to the point where she moved out and was homeless for a bit. To me, that is just part of teenage years.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 23, 2013 11:54:18 GMT -5
That's another one of my parenting fears, our boys growing up ungrateful rude little shits. My DH thinks I am too strict with them and expect too much, but seriously, I can't even imagine that kind of crap coming out of their mouth(s) when they are 18.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 23, 2013 11:57:34 GMT -5
No advice. That sounds really hard. I have a step-mother and a father who gave his daughters everything. Two of us skipped the bratty stage, made it through college, appreciated everything we were ever given and turned out great. The other went through a bad adolescence and continued to make horrible decisions. She is now 38, and despite having all the help in the world goes through years of living on the streets, jail time for begging/assaulting police officers, etc and there is no sign of it ever improving.
Sometimes you can do everything right and it turns out bad and sometimes you can do everything wrong and it turns out right.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 23, 2013 12:04:42 GMT -5
She has a total lack of empathy. I was a sarcastic teen but would have never said anything like that to my parents, and not because I was afraid of being slapped, but out of human decency. I couldn't imagine saying anything that cruel to my father ever, especially while he was dealing with his own traumatic experience. She much be a true bitch if she couldn't even find a sorority to take her
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 23, 2013 12:08:27 GMT -5
IMHO, the step daughter's actions don't seem all that out of whack to me. They seem pretty normal. I was the good kid in my house, but my older brother was passively aggressively terrible to my mom and my young sister hated my mom throughout her teenage years to the point where she moved out and was homeless for a bit. To me, that is just part of teenage years. ? Really? The worst I ever did was scream I HATE YOU and slam the door to my room. I would have never done that while my own grandparent was clinging to life.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2013 12:10:37 GMT -5
IMHO, the step daughter's actions don't seem all that out of whack to me. They seem pretty normal. I was the good kid in my house, but my older brother was passively aggressively terrible to my mom and my young sister hated my mom throughout her teenage years to the point where she moved out and was homeless for a bit. To me, that is just part of teenage years. ? Really? The worst I ever did was scream I HATE YOU and slam the door to my room. I would have never done that while my own grandparent was clinging to life. To me, yes. My brother and sister both went through a very long stretch of time where I though they would be estranged from the family for good. But as everyone grew up and found themselves and calmed down we are a big happy family again.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 23, 2013 12:11:36 GMT -5
DF is not on the same page as me so it causes issues between us. Last night when his aunt was crying on the phone because she's 80 years old dealing with no sleep and an ill husband who can't even go to daycare now because he's so bad off, it finally hit home and when I snapped that the money he was throwing away each month on an ungrateful brat who won't even speak to him unless she wants something could possibly be used to save his aunts sanity and health, he FINALLY got it. I bit my tongue long enough. Whether he will stop queenies allowance? Who knows? But it felt better to get it off my chest. If he wants to continue to buy princess in hopes that she will forgive him for being happy, so be it. At least he's sending a check to his aunt.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Oct 23, 2013 12:14:18 GMT -5
That's another one of my parenting fears, our boys growing up ungrateful rude little shits. My DH thinks I am too strict with them and expect too much, but seriously, I can't even imagine that kind of crap coming out of their mouth(s) when they are 18. My DD used to be so nice and respectful. Then she turned 16. I am not sure what I would do in your place HBBQ. She is going to college for theater arts? I am not sure if maybe switching to archeology might actually be more useful. Most people don't actually work in theater so maybe the fallback could be being an HS Earth Science teacher? I know it sounds strange but it sounds more useful to me. As far as what I would give it it literally depends. Is she going to a fairly cheap CC or a super pricey private college? I would probably pay more at the CC in the thought that if she dropped out it would be a less expensive mistake. I know everyone is supposed to go to college and get 4.0's in engineering without a hiccup but for a lot of people it doesn't work out like that. And I would rather my kids wasted $10K on their growing up mistake than $100K. Just a thought.
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