zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 28, 2013 17:46:53 GMT -5
That seems to be the norm now. DD says this is her 3rd one. She didn't care about this one because her date was working this weekend but still..... DF says its just plain awful to invite a grown adult and not include a date, that it should be up to the guest to decide whether they wish to bring someone or not. I'm thinking if you can't afford to invite properly, scale down your reception.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 28, 2013 17:48:15 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 28, 2013 17:58:41 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time? Wow, that is tacky
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 28, 2013 18:00:22 GMT -5
I always thought plus 1's was proper etiquette but I don't know. I've never gone to a wedding alone so I would probably decline an invitation that didn't allow a guest.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 28, 2013 18:22:55 GMT -5
I wouldn't want to go to a wedding alone. If my DH couldn't come, I'd ask my DD to come. Nothing more fun than sitting at a table of eight or twelve people and knowing no one.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 28, 2013 18:35:42 GMT -5
Well, she will know people but still... This seems to be the new fashion. Right up there with not sending thank yous.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Sept 28, 2013 18:43:23 GMT -5
They did. They cut out the "plus ones".
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 28, 2013 18:47:07 GMT -5
That's not the way to handle it. It just seems like poor taste. You have what you can afford. If its cake and punch and taped music, then so be it but you invite couples, especially if they are a couple, but even then, it should be up to a guest to decide date or not.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 28, 2013 18:55:37 GMT -5
I get that but DF and I are a couple, whether we get married or not. We both get invited to things, sometimes as a "guest" but always as a couple.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Sept 28, 2013 21:13:34 GMT -5
Zib, I totally agree that it should be left up to the guests to decide if they want to bring along someone. I think it's not very nice to invite just one person. I am not seeing anyone, but if I were invited to a wedding, I'd like the option to bring a friend or one of my kids. Talk about awkward sitting at a table with other couples, and they get up to mingle and you are left sitting alone. Especially if you don't know many of the guests. If the bride and groom don't think enough of me to allow me to bring someone, then they must not care if I come. Then just invite couples and leave the singles off your guest list.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Sept 28, 2013 21:13:58 GMT -5
We invited couples as couples and singles as singles. Everyone knew people and our wedding fucking rocked. At $130 a head, we (myself, dh, and my dad) weren't paying for complete strangers when there were plenty of people who could have been there. We chose a venue that was perfect for 100 people because we didn't want it any bigger. Considering how many people didn't get invitations, there's no way in hell someone who wasn't in a committed relationship was getting a plus one. No one bitched and moaned or felt entitled to an opinion on how we should spend our money.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 28, 2013 21:25:53 GMT -5
Meghan, belated best wishes for a life full of love, laughter, and wonderful memories. GRG (who didn't get an invitation )
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2013 21:35:08 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time? If you are going out to an event and have 20+ people invited, who should pay for it? The maid of honor (who usually arranges the shower)?? That kind of activity shower would cost $700+ Yes, if I go to an activity event (golf, ceramics, painting, glass blowing) in conjunction with a group party, I would expect to pay for myself. I WOULD expect that they indicate that on the invitation so noone gets surprised.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Sept 28, 2013 22:03:45 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time? If you are going out to an event and have 20+ people invited, who should pay for it? The maid of honor (who usually arranges the shower)?? That kind of activity shower would cost $700+ Yes, if I go to an activity event (golf, ceramics, painting, glass blowing) in conjunction with a group party, I would expect to pay for myself. I WOULD expect that they indicate that on the invitation so noone gets surprised. But then it is an activity event, and not a shower. I don't have a problem with activity events with friends, but those shouldn't be showers.
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justme
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Post by justme on Sept 29, 2013 0:06:10 GMT -5
That's not the way to handle it. It just seems like poor taste. You have what you can afford. If its cake and punch and taped music, then so be it but you invite couples, especially if they are a couple, but even then, it should be up to a guest to decide date or not. What they can afford is not to invite strangers. A plus one is not part of etiquette, as told many times by Miss Manners. However, if someone has a spouse/fiance/live in relationship (and maybe even known relationship but not one of those) it IS against etiquette to not invite them.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Sept 29, 2013 0:51:20 GMT -5
I agree - scale down the guest list if need be - leave off cousins you haven't seen in 10 years, neighbors that you won't even remember in 10 years, old high-school friends who aren't even that close anymore, the friends of your parents they expect you to ask etc, etc.
It's YOUR wedding - and if you invite someone the invitation should be addressed to:
"Mr & Mrs XXX", or
"Ms/Mr XXX & Guest"
If a person you want to attend is married or in a relationship, it's tacky not to include their partner.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Sept 29, 2013 4:42:29 GMT -5
And sometimes we can make a mistake. I vividly remember NOT inviting a cousin's +1 for DD1's Bat Mitzvah (25 years ago). I had NO clue he had been living w/a gal for quite a few years until another cousin told me. We have since included her and they are STILL living together w/o having gotten married.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 29, 2013 6:40:54 GMT -5
Showers of that scale have actually been hosted by brides mom, mom in law to be, and maybe some adult relatives. Small showers used to be hosted by MOH at a house with cake and all, some food anyway, and was in keeping with what could be afforded. Asking people to pay for their own shower and a gift as well is the height of tacky. If you can't afford what you're doing, scale it back. $130 a head is a lot of money, period. I live in a HCOLA and you can still get upscale including booze for less than that. So you don't serve filet but you do invite more people. Is it worth hurting others for that? DD doesn't know any better because it seems to be the idea to shift more and more costs to the guests and friends instead of family. You want to be a bridezilla? Fine, but on your dime, not the guests. BTW, the CHEAPEST gift on registry was $50 for a bloody pillow. DD felt embarrassed to bring it but on top of $35 for shower and $25 on shower gift, she was out of money. Plus, the dress she was going to wear ended up being the bridesmaids colors so she felt she couldn't wear it. So she had to find something to wear as well. I hope she had fun because it was a lot of money for her. after finding out she paid to attend the "shower" I told her to re-think some of these wedding invites. She said no to being in 3 weddings because of the costs. It reminds me that if she gets married, that we will buy the bridesmaid dresses and whatever they need, which is how it used to be and how it should still be. Showers to be paid for by us. If people are nice enough to come and bring a gift, they shouldn't be expected to pay for the privilege.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 29, 2013 7:42:34 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time? I'm embarrassed to admit I had my shower at a restaurant and the guests paid for their own meal. There were maybe 15 of us and my MOH (who threw me the shower) didn't live in town and didn't know where to host it. She thought it would be fun to go to a trendy restaurant. Looking back, it was in such poor taste. I think she paid for everyone's dessert but basically the guests had to pay for their own food.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 7:59:42 GMT -5
BTW, the CHEAPEST gift on registry was $50 for a bloody pillow. DD felt embarrassed to bring it but on top of $35 for shower and $25 on shower gift, she was out of money. There's no law that says you have to buy off the registry. And I'll stand behind what I said last time we had a thread on this: it's the prerogative of whoever is paying the bill to restrict accompanying persons to spouses and serious relationships. (I agree, though, that it would be tacky to exclude spouses and serious relationships.)
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 29, 2013 8:04:26 GMT -5
Or maybe, just maybe, times change?
When did showers become common place? My grandparents didn't have one (and no, they weren't pregnant). I'll have to ask if my mom did for her first wedding.
I think having everyone chip in to cover costs of an event are typical these days. You can always decline the invite, and you don't have to buy off the registry. If the person cares what gift you give then you should probably reevaluate the relationship anyway.
I just don't get being up in arms over something that has been tradition for what 50/60 years? Considering everything that has changed in that time period, why are some things the end all be all, falling of society, blah, blah, blah.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 8:48:29 GMT -5
Showers of that scale have actually been hosted by brides mom, mom in law to be, and maybe some adult relatives. . . . . Showers to be paid for by us. If people are nice enough to come and bring a gift, they shouldn't be expected to pay for the privilege. Zib, friends host showers, not the bride or groom's family. That is considered bad manners.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Sept 29, 2013 8:51:49 GMT -5
I agree - scale down the guest list if need be - leave off cousins you haven't seen in 10 years, neighbors that you won't even remember in 10 years, old high-school friends who aren't even that close anymore, the friends of your parents they expect you to ask etc, etc.
It's YOUR wedding - and if you invite someone the invitation should be addressed to:
"Mr & Mrs XXX", or
"Ms/Mr XXX & Guest"
If a person you want to attend is married or in a relationship, it's tacky not to include their partner. What the hell kind of shitty weddings do you attend with impersonal guest lists like that?
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Sept 29, 2013 8:52:43 GMT -5
Showers of that scale have actually been hosted by brides mom, mom in law to be, and maybe some adult relatives. . . . . Showers to be paid for by us. If people are nice enough to come and bring a gift, they shouldn't be expected to pay for the privilege. Zib, friends host showers, not the bride or groom's family. That is considered bad manners. Looks like someone doesn't know proper etiquette... ;-)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 29, 2013 10:17:18 GMT -5
And when did shower guests start paying to attend a shower? DD had a blast at the painting party but told me it was $35 to do it. On TOP of a gift you expect your guests to pay for their own time? If you are going out to an event and have 20+ people invited, who should pay for it? The maid of honor (who usually arranges the shower)?? That kind of activity shower would cost $700+ Yes, if I go to an activity event (golf, ceramics, painting, glass blowing) in conjunction with a group party, I would expect to pay for myself. I WOULD expect that they indicate that on the invitation so noone gets surprised. I've never heard of invited guests being expected to pay their way for a bridal shower. Typically the bridal party (MOh and bridesmaids) host it. At a minimum, if you are expecting guests to pay for themselves it should be notes in the invitation.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 29, 2013 10:23:50 GMT -5
We invited couples as couples and singles as singles. Everyone knew people and our wedding fucking rocked. At $130 a head, we (myself, dh, and my dad) weren't paying for complete strangers when there were plenty of people who could have been there. We chose a venue that was perfect for 100 people because we didn't want it any bigger. Considering how many people didn't get invitations, there's no way in hell someone who wasn't in a committed relationship was getting a plus one. No one bitched and moaned or felt entitled to an opinion on how we should spend our money. No one is trying to tell you how you should have spent your money. I'm sure no one would be rude enough to say something to the bride about not getting a plus 1 (eyes zib suspiciously :-p). I would politely decline the invitation and be done with it....that is why there are anonymous message boards to bitch on :-p
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 29, 2013 10:27:24 GMT -5
Or maybe, just maybe, times change? When did showers become common place? My grandparents didn't have one (and no, they weren't pregnant). I'll have to ask if my mom did for her first wedding. I think having everyone chip in to cover costs of an event are typical these days. You can always decline the invite, and you don't have to buy off the registry. If the person cares what gift you give then you should probably reevaluate the relationship anyway. I just don't get being up in arms over something that has been tradition for what 50/60 years? Considering everything that has changed in that time period, why are some things the end all be all, falling of society, blah, blah, blah. It isn't custom locally to pay your way for a bridal or baby shower. I've honestly never heard of that until this thread.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 29, 2013 10:32:59 GMT -5
Yeah I agree things are different now and times change and blah blah blah . . . but the basics of polite social behavior for "invitations" have not changed: If I Invite, I Pay. If I Can't Afford To Pay, I Scale Back or I Don't Do It.
Having said that, I also agree with Miss T. - fun activities and events can be successfully combined with a shower - Just make it clear that it's a "fun event" (where everyone is expected to pay for themselves) and not a "hosted" event so everyone is prepared to pony up $$. IOW, guests should never be expected to pay for hosted events. If guests are expected to pay it should be made very clear that it is a "no-host" event. People may still think that's cheap, but at least there's no social faux pas being committed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 10:35:59 GMT -5
So, would you rather hve a single invite,or not be invited No one has to RSVP to an invite. If you don't want to go alone, don't go...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 29, 2013 10:37:27 GMT -5
Well truthfully I can count on 2 hands the # of showers I've been to. 2 baby showers were mine, and 2 wedding showers were dsil. I was talking about the painting class type showers, and I just can't imagine expecting the host to pick up everyones fee. But when we did that, it was the bridesmaids taking out just the bride so who knows. The bridal party pays for a ton of stuff already though.
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