Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Aug 2, 2013 11:06:46 GMT -5
I definitely would have been annoyed with the kids and with DH for not addressing it at the time. I would be curious if this is/will be DH's general reaction when his child gets picked on in front of him or if he will alter his reaction next time. I do agree with sending the email to everyone with the purpose of making it a whole group discussion and to avoid talking behind people's backs and the perception of "tattling" to the troop leader. While I do feel bad for you, SK, that it seems like hoops is being argumentitive, I will say there are numerous parents who have his perspective. They don't think horseplay is inappropriate. They believe that kids must work things out between themselves without parental involvement regardless of any physicality because boys are physical creatures and that trait should not be corralled. It's difficult for me to wrap my brain around, but there are many out there raising their boys that way. I agree with you that this is very true. In some ways, my letter was a test of the other parents. I don't believe for an instant this was horseplay: the kids specifically invented a "game" where they carried one child over to a spot of urine that was completely out of the way and dropped him in it. Horseplay would be a bunch of kids playing near urine and spontaneously tossing each other into it. But yes, I fully realize that people make all sorts of excuses for their children's poor behaviors. And given the behavior I see of other kids at sports practices and other extracurricular activities, at libraries, schools, in grocery stores, etc no one appears to believe that character/manners are things to each anymore. When's the last time you saw a kid race to hold the door for someone? Whenever my kids do it (we have a reward system with them for spontaneous acts of kindness) the recipients' eyes always pop out of their head in shock. The "boys will be boys" does a HUGE disservice to boys IMO. Boys have energy, of course. But does that mean they can't eat vegetables, brush their teeth, listen to their teacher/coach, help with chores, do their homework, give to their community, etc? Does high energy mean they are incapable of living a regular life? I feel badly for any boy whose parents feel that way as they will not be raised to be the best they could be. At best they'll run around like savages and then get blindsided by the demands of adulthood. At worst they'll date rape some girls in high school and then put the footage on YouTube. It's just horseplay, right? So yes, my letter in a way is a test of the other parents. Some have responded to me with fabulous comments. Others haven't responded (not a problem - they could be busy or on vacation). But time will tell if this scout troop becomes a supportive source of personal growth and learning or if it becomes a place to your kid so you can spend time on Facebook. If it becomes the latter, we'll stop attending. FWIW, our troop never talks about God or homosexuals or anything. We live in a progressive, liberal area though so you don't really hear that anywhere. We are atheists and had been concerned when we first joined scouts, but so far the national issues haven't filtered down to the local level. But I can see where other troops/dens may be different.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,200
|
Post by bean29 on Aug 2, 2013 11:35:24 GMT -5
I read the first few pages and the last. I was a Girl Scout through Cadets. DD was a GS through 5th Grade (Juniors). MY Sister is a GS Leader. Two Nephews are Eagle Scouts. My Yougest Nephew that was a Eagle Scout just graduated and several of his Scout Frieds atteded his party and a leader and a parent invloved in scouting. We consider my BIL socially akward. DS thinks his kid and friends are too, but DN was on the football team and seems to have a lot of friends.
When DD was in scouts I stayed at a lot of the meetings and so did many other parents. There were 3 leaders. One was a teacher at the school. Her kid is socially akward. This would not have been tolerated by the leaders or the parents. If they missed the behavior your letter would have resulted in appropiate action.
My DS was not interested in scouts. As parents I guess we expect the kids' scouting experiences to mirror our own. To me that would be how to be a better person, socially accepting and environmentally concious.
I hope you see a positive result. I think you should stay for the meetings, and expect you may see a few other parents hanging around to monitor the situation.
Personally I will give the leader the benefit of the doubt. She may want help keeping track of what the kids are doing.
I don't know why, but it does seem parents don't discipline their children much anymore. I was walking thru Target last weekend an a young adult male was with two boys about 7. The boys were whipping a soft basketball and football at the adult and he was throwing it back at them. I watched for a while, looked for a store employee (none in sight) and finally turned around and told them, "You know that is not an indoor activity". The young man said " I am sorry ma'm we did not mean to upset you" I just told him "you know, You are the adult" I did not want to step up and say anything, but sometimes you just feel like someone needs to say something , and if no one else is available it falls on you.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 2, 2013 12:03:39 GMT -5
I agree to a point. You definitely don't want to spend 18 years letting your boys get away with acting like toddlers because you have such a low opinion of the male gender.
Though I would disagree with someone who said that letting boys play rough and letting them work things out for themselves and raising them to be responsible, caring individuals are mutually exclusive. There are plenty of people who let their boys play very rough and let them work out stuff themselves but still expect them to sit quietly in church, pitch in around the house, do well in school, and so on. Part of the reason we have scouts is that is does allow boys to be boys while still teaching them how to be good men.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Aug 2, 2013 12:05:08 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with "boys will be boys" attitude for consensual horseplay. It is not an excuse to let your kid be a bullying asshat.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 2, 2013 14:08:16 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with "boys will be boys" attitude for consensual horseplay. It is not an excuse to let your kid be a bullying asshat. Agreed.
|
|
perhaps
Junior Member
Joined: Sept 8, 2011 14:47:21 GMT -5
Posts: 139
|
Post by perhaps on Aug 2, 2013 15:34:13 GMT -5
I would be seriously upset with my husband in this situation. It sounds like he went with the scouts to help your son and keep on eye on him. He didn't do that.
My DH has a similar personality of not wanting to cause trouble or create an issue. He would much rather just sweep an issue under the rug instead of stepping up and handling it. And with your DH it isn't just this issue. He admitted that they have treated your son poorly before.
I would be having a conversation with DH. My words would be along the lines of "you have let our son down". Let's face it. Your son cannot stick up for himslef......hell he does not even realize he needs to stick up for himself. This is something his father should have done for him.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 2, 2013 16:51:50 GMT -5
That would be my reaction too, but I have a feeling the OP's DH isn't going to agree with her on this issue.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 2, 2013 17:50:48 GMT -5
Does your DS actually enjoy scouts? It sounds like the other kids don't make this much fun. Wouldn't he be happier in something where he is actually wanted? I also have to wonder if some of the other boys aren't really happy about picking on your DS, but do it out of fear that if they don't, then people will pick on them.
I don't agree with how you handled the situation. I get why you did it, and whats done is done. I wish you the best in dealing with the aftermath.
I think that "overriding" your DH is bad in and of itself -- almost like you had to correct him, or fight on his behalf. I bet he feels marginalized. I think that what you sent to the other parents has that repressed-rage "I don't want to tell you what to do BUT..." tone, which nobody likes.
I'm also wondering if your e-mail had a PSA tone to it. Like one of those vanilla workplace sensitivity training videos where you are telling everyone else that they need to be sensitive and change their behavior. I am not IN ANY WAY trying to demean your son, or autism in general. I am just guessing how others might have interpreted your message, based on how you described it.
I suspect that as troop leader, she feels that her son NEEDS to be held to a higher standard. Nepotism has benefits, but it has drawbacks too. Of COURSE a month without electronics seems harsh to you; you said that the harshest punishment your kids have had is 10 minutes without something. But it was out of your hands once you chose to tell the other parents.
...:::"If DH hadn't told me about the incident I never would have known (and boy does he regret telling me about it).":::...
Teachable moment for your DH too. I guarantee he won't make this mistake again (the mistake of telling you).
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 2, 2013 17:56:14 GMT -5
And I do agree that this was a coordinated strike. The amount of premeditation necessary to pull it off rules out "accident".
...:::"I would be having a conversation with DH. My words would be along the lines of "you have let our son down". Let's face it. Your son cannot stick up for himslef......hell he does not even realize he needs to stick up for himself. This is something his father should have done for him.":::...
I'm not sure its that simple in this case. Its not like her DH can "make" the other boys give DS the "good" job every time either.
That being said, I do hope its possible to help your DS (and DH) get more assertive. I have a lot of pent up rage for how much bullying I just "took" as a kid. I wish I'd fought back more.
|
|