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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 8:13:07 GMT -5
So....many of you know that DH and I have a baby...she's about 3 months old now and has been in day care for a few weeks while I'm back at work. One thing I've noticed happening is that, since we are now so busy with a kid, we have almost no downtime. It's a constant parade of laundry, bottle washing, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. I work from home, so at least I have the ability to throw in a load of laundry during the day.
What I find myself doing, and I need to stop, is keeping score. I know studies show that people overestimate their own contribution to household duties and underestimate their partners. I'm sure that is the case with us too. I feel like I'm doing a lot more, but realistically am not doing as much more as I think I am.
regardless, I am still "keeping score" in my head. You know the kind where you think, well I emptied the garbage last week, it's his turn now. Less to do with standard household stuff, because we figured out a pretty good division of that years ago, but more to do with baby.
This isn't healthy for a relationship. I know that. So my question to you is how you turn off that scoreboard in your head. How do you stop yourself from thinking it? Any advice? It's not fair to DH and I want to fix this is my mind before it does any harm to our marriage.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 27, 2013 8:24:06 GMT -5
How we've handled it at our house, is to keep in mind we're working towards a common goal. The baby is cared for, the bills are paid, etc.
You're right, that if I "keep score", I tend to get bitter. DH does contribute, but in a different way. I simply ask him to do the tasks that are bugging me the most, & have to let some of the other stuff go. DH needs a little down time, & so do I.
BTW, it does get a little better once your youngest starts school. A baby, or a toddler IS very demanding of your time. I don't think I drew a calm breath until DS started school.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 27, 2013 8:48:18 GMT -5
Have you talked to DH about the way you're feeling? Sounds like you two had a pretty good agreement going before the baby arrived, and it had worked well for you. The baby, however, has added another level of stress. Maybe, if the two of you sit down and talk about it you can make some adjustments that consider the new little one and the additional tasks associated with being parents. My guess is, if you arrived at consensus before the baby, you can do it again now. Sometimes, I think we're afraid to bring something like this up because we fear we're being judgmental, or worse ... selfish. I don't think that's the case. Things really have changed.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 8:54:10 GMT -5
So....many of you know that DH and I have a baby...she's about 3 months old now and has been in day care for a few weeks while I'm back at work. One thing I've noticed happening is that, since we are now so busy with a kid, we have almost no downtime. It's a constant parade of laundry, bottle washing, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. I work from home, so at least I have the ability to throw in a load of laundry during the day. What I find myself doing, and I need to stop, is keeping score. I know studies show that people overestimate their own contribution to household duties and underestimate their partners. I'm sure that is the case with us too. I feel like I'm doing a lot more, but realistically am not doing as much more as I think I am. regardless, I am still "keeping score" in my head. You know the kind where you think, well I emptied the garbage last week, it's his turn now. Less to do with standard household stuff, because we figured out a pretty good division of that years ago, but more to do with baby. This isn't healthy for a relationship. I know that. So my question to you is how you turn off that scoreboard in your head. How do you stop yourself from thinking it? Any advice? It's not fair to DH and I want to fix this is my mind before it does any harm to our marriage. Oy vey - BTDT got the T-shirt! Still doing it to some extent, but it got better as DS aged. Some days are still quite demanding though. I try to remember that DH has been willing to give me "me" time lots of times (and I have repaid the favor when asked), and that we are in this together.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 27, 2013 9:03:09 GMT -5
I would talk to your Dh asap. See how he's feeling. Are you breastfeeding? Revisit that chore division, add in baby duties, drop anything around the house that is non-essential.
Dh and I were content with our chore division pre-baby, but that was because I did 95% of it. It's been, and still is a huge issue in our house. So talk sooner rather than later.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 9:18:16 GMT -5
And IMO I'd rather have the house look like a tornado ran through it and have some sanity than have it look perfect while I'm 5 seconds from stabbing someone.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 27, 2013 9:31:24 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 27, 2013 9:38:45 GMT -5
It does get easier but perhaps you should do a bit ahead, like make a fair amount of meals on the weekends that you can just reheat during the week. There must be other shortcuts. Use ONE bathroom and just clean that one. Change the sheets every other week not weekly. Babies don't have to be bathed every day btw.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 27, 2013 10:22:23 GMT -5
Well, I'd love to know the answer to that question too! in my first marriage, I did everything except clean out the cars Nd take out the trash. Now, I feel like a slacker compared to my DH. I don't want to hijack this thread, but just know I'm listening also.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 27, 2013 10:22:58 GMT -5
Oh, and I absolutely agree it gets easier as they get older. My youngest is eleven now.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jul 27, 2013 10:53:05 GMT -5
Start keeping score for the other person too. In your head start making a list of all the things your DH does do. Listen to someone complain about something you don't have to do because your DH does it. Brag about your DH to others. These can help if it is about your perception. Also when we get tired and stressed it seems easier to try and pull others down, to pull ourselves up.
Give credit where it is due. I don't think we like to say that our baby is hitting our buttons, getting on our last nerves, making us want to run away to an island far, far away. There is guilt and is just seems wrong or icky to blame this little helpless, being, who doesn't understand why that glass break scream is making us twitch. They can't help it, they don't know better, and shouldn't we as parents make unicorns sparkle rainbows over them and make everything right. It is so easier to look at the other parent for the why couldn't you do more, where is your unicorn, then look at the baby. It doesn't make you a bad parent if sometimes you really just want to wish goblin king would come and take the baby for a just a few hours. Setting realistic expectations for yourself could fall under this too. I love my daughters, but there are times I just don't want to be around them. And it get easier to tell them to go away as they get older.
And this
and this
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 27, 2013 11:36:09 GMT -5
Oh, heck, we don't even have kids, and I admit I do the scorekeeping thing. Dumbest thing ever, yet it's hard to turn off that game. I know he works hard and is an awesome DH, and does things that surprise me all the time. Example: I bought a new bike last week, and he surprised me with a bike stand. Just noticed I needed it, and went out and got it. I remember nice things like that when he doesn't do things like vacuum the house when I've asked. It kinda evens the score that day.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 27, 2013 11:38:17 GMT -5
And IMO I'd rather have the house look like a tornado ran through it and have some sanity than have it look perfect while I'm 5 seconds from stabbing someone. Ugh. I was a stabber! I'm not any more, and my house is no longer perfect...
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 27, 2013 11:44:36 GMT -5
Sometimes I wonder why I post on threads where I really don't have anything useful to say, but what the heck....
I don't work, so can't relate to the "division" thing, but I will tell you that my DH is not a "baby" person, so while he was always willing to change a diaper or feed the kid, it's all those crying/non-sleeping/carrying the kid around things that fell on me. We muddled it through it, there were fights and there were battles, but we both have an huge HUGE commitment to our marriage, so we got through it.
All I can say is that I think you already WAY ahead of the game since you are recognizing what is happening and want to fix it.
Talk to your DH and try to figure out this thing together. He might be having some things in his head that you are not aware of.
Also, I don't believe in an "equality of labor", so again, I am probably not the right person to ask
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 27, 2013 12:10:35 GMT -5
I'm also not one of those "equality of labor" types, but that may be due to my age and upbringing. I believe that in the end, it all evens out, and as Busymom pointed out, it's the common goal at the end that matters. But day-to-day equality - oh, heck no. Some days, I carry a lot of the load. Some days, DH does. If one of us is traveling, or I have a competition that I am preparing for, then things shift and change accordingly. Some things he's better at than I am (some of the yard work, automotive repairs, cleaning the litter box ), and I am quite happy to admit that and let him take care of those things. Likewise, I'm good at other things (laundry, cooking) and he stays out of the way.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 27, 2013 13:23:01 GMT -5
I don't keep score anymore. In full disclosure, DH does most of the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. BUT, he only works 20 hours/week and minds one child in his "off" time.
I do end up doing more than "my share." But, I don't mind, actually, because what I do is important to me. Keeping a clean house is important to me. At one point, I didn't care about the state of my house, but I got tired of feeling embarrassed when DS's friends stopped in unexpectedly. I also have clients that walk through my house. The only thing that I do that isn't super important to me is volunteering in church. But, it's required, as it's written in the contract that we sign when signing our kids up to school. Also, it's a 3 hour commitment a month during the school year, so it's not terrible.
I also wake up an hour to an hour and a half before the kids are up. That gives me enough time to shower, get dressed, and plan my day. If there isn't a ton going on for work, I'll get a few things done around the house (10 minutes worth) and then knit or stich for 15-20 minutes and drink hot (!) coffee. The down side to this, is I go to bed by 10 pm every night, since I'm awake at 5, in the shower by 5:30.)
Otherwise, I would take a really hard look at your life and streamline everywhere you can. Cooking doesn't mean making a meal from scratch every meal. Managing finances doesn't mean you have to take an active role with everything. Cleaning out the sink every morning after you use it is still cleaning...
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 27, 2013 15:01:08 GMT -5
And IMO I'd rather have the house look like a tornado ran through it and have some sanity than have it look perfect while I'm 5 seconds from stabbing someone. I'm sorry but we can't be friends any more. Having a messy house makes me stabby and drains my energy so it's in DH's best interest to not make huge messes. I still caught myself keeping score until I changed how I looked at things. DH does major projects that I could never do and he's so much stronger so what he does equals way more than my little projects combined. And because he can do plumbing and electrical, etc. he saves us a small fortune. I'd blow us all up if I tried doing electrical stuff. When I don't feel good I still bitch or mutter about getting tired of having to do every thing around here but it's mostly to myself now.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 27, 2013 15:26:40 GMT -5
It is difficult when you both work full time. When my kids were babies I stayed home for a year and then went part-time for awhile. When I was home I did just about 100 percent because it was my job. I do take equality seriously so I would never expect my husband to work 40 to 50 hours a week and then come home and do stuff around the house. Even with babies at home, I never felt like I did more than him.
Now we both work full time and have for years....we do hire out most stuff but the remaining chores (cooking, laundry, etc) are either split 50/50 or done by the person who is t working the long hours at work.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 27, 2013 17:10:44 GMT -5
In this case, the "pay yourself first" mentality can be helpful. I used to be pretty resentful when it felt like I was "responsible" and did a bunch of work, and never had time for myself. So I made sure that I got a few things that *I* wanted to do done first. Then, I wasn't as frustrated with doing chores.
Quite frankly, chores will grow to fill the time you have available.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 27, 2013 20:46:57 GMT -5
No one picked up on your statement that you work from home. This is both a huge benefit and a huge drawback. This deserves a whole special conversation between you and DH.
When I had my first 19 years ago, I had little experience with babies while DH was the older brother to 6 and already Uncle to 5.
In our early marriage DH rehabbed our house and 2 rental props. He sometimes worked till 2 am. He them stadted his own business and works more hours than everyone I have ever know except a workaholic relative. He works most Sats from 9-2pm. He used to come home and work at home. Now he often get comes home and falls asleep on the couch. I refuse to bitch about this. Some days I need a nap in the afternoon.
Sometimes I am doing laundry and DH tells me to leave it on sofa, he will fold. I have learned to turn it over to him.
DH and I do a lot of holidays. I have to clean. DH handles food. While I sometimes find cleaning overwhelming, when I recently helped other family members prepare for big events I revisited what a huge help this is.
As others said infants are a lot of work. I was truthfully glad to go to work at 8 weeks. MIL is a baby person, she babysat for us. I Worked and felt like I got at least as much done after work as I did when I stayed home.
Good luck.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 21:08:27 GMT -5
Other people have touched on it, but seriously, hand off some nasty job you hate to do to your DH. Something that doesn`t bother him to do. It helps to be able to immediately think `but I never have to clean cat litter`.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 27, 2013 21:25:14 GMT -5
Sometimes I wonder why I post on threads where I really don't have anything useful to say, but what the heck.... I don't work, so can't relate to the "division" thing, but I will tell you that my DH is not a "baby" person, so while he was always willing to change a diaper or feed the kid, it's all those crying/non-sleeping/carrying the kid around things that fell on me. We muddled it through it, there were fights and there were battles, but we both have an huge HUGE commitment to our marriage, so we got through it. All I can say is that I think you already WAY ahead of the game since you are recognizing what is happening and want to fix it. Talk to your DH and try to figure out this thing together. He might be having some things in his head that you are not aware of. Also, I don't believe in an "equality of labor", so again, I am probably not the right person to ask What do you mean by not believing in equality of labor?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 27, 2013 21:40:28 GMT -5
Some thing that I've heard other women do is simply leave a weekly "to-do" list up on the fridge and both parties cross off tasks when they are done with them. Maybe your husband is a husband that has a hard time "seeing" what needs to be done.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 22:08:45 GMT -5
My wife and I are both busy for all but an hour out of the day where we unwind. I don't put a higher value on cleaning a bathroom vs shopping for groceries because they both need to get done. If she wants to do the shopping this week and wants me to do laundry, then she just says so.
My wife has come to realize that i am willing to do a lot more than I actually initiate on my own. That's just a difference in personalities though because I'm comfortable with a bigger mess than she is.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 27, 2013 22:57:53 GMT -5
Anytime I find myself slipping into "keeping score" territory it means I'm running on empty and need to recharge. So, DH and I sit down and discuss what we can change short/long term so I get my needs met. We do the same for him as well. IMO it is VERY important to work out a balance so that you can go the long haul. It's like running a marathon - you can't go too fast/hard or you'll hit your wall and collapse. Find your pace and you can go the distance. I find the more you communicate with your spouse the better. Especially when both people are really stressed - the more you can clearly articulate "I need X" or "I need Y" the better everything will be. "This isn't working for me" is a phrase we use a lot, and honestly we check in with each other about our needs probably 2x/wk. Holding it in until you explode does nothing for anyone.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 23:40:33 GMT -5
Having a baby and caring for it can be an overwhelming task. You have to cope with what seems to be an insurmountable mountain of tasks and responsibilities. If your efforts to cope seem inadequate, and you feel overwhelmed, blaming your partner is not the solution.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 8:32:39 GMT -5
I was really afraid to talk to DH about this. Partly because of my experience with family and ex DH. If I bring up something that is bothering me or upset me, they always figure out a way to make it my fault. But, I know DH is different and I figure you all are smart folks, so I brought it up with him. Not in the "you're not doing enough" way, but in the "I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I'm always responsible for everything" way. His first response was, "ok, so what can we do about it?" I gave him some specifc examples and he made some good points to me. He told me that he thinks I'm having a problem letting myself relax. He pointed out that we have something like 12 bottles (and go through maybe 6 in a day) but that the minute there are three sitting ready to be washed, I'm washing them, when I really don't need to be. But that being said, he told me to just let him know what I need from him and he will help. I'm not used to asking for help. Maybe that's my problem. I've always been of the belief that there is one person that you can count on in this world and that's yourself. Even though DH has shown time and time again that I can count on him. Haven't seen my therapist in a while...maybe it's time for a visit! Thanks for all of your comments....appreciate the feedback...
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 28, 2013 9:06:06 GMT -5
Also, I don't believe in an "equality of labor", so again, I am probably not the right person to ask What do you mean by not believing in equality of labor? I don't subscribe to the idea that if I do A, B, C then surely he must do X, Y, Z. I don't need things to be equal. I want things to be the best. I don't need each of us to have an equal number of things, I want the best person for the job to do it. Also, there are daily things and there are "sometimes" things. I do a lot of daily things so it might seem like I do more. But in reality, there are things that my DH does that if you add up hours or costs would probably add to more than my weekly/monthly things. But they are "sometimes" things, so done infrequently. I don't know if it's a good example, but since we are talking about babies... My DH has NEVER, not once, got up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. He is not good at it, it makes him irritable, he doesn't know what to do with them, etc. And we've gone through 3 babies. On another hand, I NEVER, not once got up to give kids breakfast on the weekends. I don't like to get up early, I like to stay in bed as long as I can and usually like a slow start to the day. But my DH is much better at getting out of bed, getting breakfast started for the boys, etc. Hope this makes sense
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 9:11:12 GMT -5
Of course you should talk to your DH and express your feelings as you did. I think most men truly want to help but sometimes we just get into a cycle of my job/his job and then they don't think to pick that up. And also in the course of your marriage there are going to be imbalances. I really don't believe in a 50/50 marriage. There is really no way to do that 365 days a year for a lifetime. Sometimes it might be 60/40 or 80/20 or whatever depending on what is going on in your life. Even if it is, that is still 40 or 20% off your load. But with kids things do need to shift. And, having concrete expectations will be the way to go. For us, i let DH take over the grocery shopping. And, that takes an enourmous amout of time. i haven't been in the grocery store in ages. And, he will hop in the car and run down for a gallon of milk, etc. It really is a great help to me. So clearly define what you want.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jul 28, 2013 9:44:13 GMT -5
This is a great update. If it helps don't look at it as asking for help, look at it as delegating. Early in our marriage we had lots of issues where I would let things build up and than blow up, or break down. DH one time asked me, why I had no problem going to work and telling the employees under me what to do, but I couldn't ask him to do something that I needed him to do. My answer what, well that is my job. He reminded me that part of my job as a wife was to allow him to be a partner, not push him aside to try and do it all.
But asking for help is still hard for me at times, specially when I know it is something I can do. Oh like trying to get something off of the top shelf, with all of my 5'4, which includes either getting a step stool, or playing knock it off with the kitchen tongs. And he can just reached up and grab it with all of his 6'7.
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