Keeping score.....long...sorry....

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I just want to make sure that, during this time, I don't do any damage to our relationship. No matter how upset I get, I want to deal with it. My marriage is too important to jeopardize.

I'll be honest you're way overthinking things.  If your marriage was solid pre-kid fighting over the dishes/bottles/laundry/whatever isn't going to destroy it now.

I'll go back to what my therapist said: having a baby is like setting off a land mine in the middle of your living room.  You know the explosion is coming but you still have to deal with the aftermath.

Everything you're going thru is totally normal for first time parents.  It's a HUGE adjustment.  You can talk hypotheticals all you want but the reality doesn't kick in till you walk thru the door with the kid. 

DH and I  fight over whether or not I washed his underwear.  I told him wash his own nasty ass underwear, which he didn't appreciate it.   We were right in each other's faces and were really close to engaging in a fist fight before we pulled ourselves together.

We'll be celebrating our 5 year anniversary in a week.

If you're really worried I suggest reading Babyproofing your Marriage.  It'll reassure you that you're totally normal and you don't have to worry about damaging your marriage.

[Deleted]

We had our 2 kids in quick succession, so there was a good two year period where I was on autopilot and only the bare necessities were taken care of. If DH brought up something that wasn't getting done (say, cobwebs in the corners) I told him that if he saw something that needed doing to just do it. He didn't need my permission to take care of ANYTHING that needed to get done around the house. 

I still say it to him 8 years later when he brings up cobwebs in the corners. One of these days he's going to realize that I really don't see them up there! 

[Deleted]

The dogs are not mine. I tolerate them. I'm not really an animal person, but if a spouse brought pets into the marriage and then suggested I wasn't keeping things up to his/her level of cleanliness, which included said pets, yeah, it'd be a problem for me. 

Man, I have to edit my pecking... Hope you understood that I was saying, if you focus on the most important things, dishes aren't likely to be among them. 

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 9:42:09 GMT -5 oped said:

The dogs are not mine. I tolerate them. I'm not really an animal person, but if a spouse brought pets into the marriage and then suggested I wasn't keeping things up to his/her level of cleanliness, which included said pets, yeah, it'd be a problem for me. 

Man, I have to edit my pecking... Hope you understood that I was saying, if you focus on the most important things, dishes aren't likely to be among them. 

I understood.  

Dh has never said I'm not keeping the house clean enough for him.  Holy cow, I think he knows what kind of reaction that would get.  I might even pull out the "this isnt even my house" card....cause it's actually not.  He's smarter than that.

the issue seems to be, as many have pointed out, my own standards.  I need to learn to let go of some things....whether it be that things I ask him to get done be done on my timeline, or getting more comfortable with asking for help, or just abandoning things that aren't essential all together.

would it surprise anyone to know I'm a type A personality with control freak tendencies?  (Didn't think so!)

[Deleted]

Then this will be good practice for you.  Kids are going o require a lot of flexibility and going with the flow... It's not easy, but its doable. 

[formerroomate99]

Jul 30, 2013 8:50:58 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Jul 30, 2013 8:07:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Before the days of dishwashers, there used to be soapy water in the sink and you put your dishes in there all day long. Seriously by the end of the day the dishes were practically clean. Even if you have a dishwasher it alleviates rinsing them off and sometimes even scrubbing at them if something is caked on. Is it just the two of you and a baby? No pets? How dirty can the house really be?

There's the two of us, baby, a cat that pukes a lot and a dog that sheds constantly...we do have a dishwasher, but we use that for dishes and glasses.  When I talk about dishes in the sink, I'm talking about stuff used to make dinner (pots, pans, cutting boards, etc).  

I will soak a dish if needed (one in there right now), but I get sleeved out about leaving a stack of dishes in the sink in water.  I don't want to stick my hand in there to drain it.  I have seen sinks that you can now do that without having to put your hand in there, but we don't have one.  Maybe the next house.  

Let me just add that the amount of time you can leave dirty dishes in the sink before your house smells like a landfill varies a lot by location.  Every other place I've lived, produce lasted a lot longer and I could do dishes every 2-3 days.  Here, you have to do dishes every day and don't even get me started on the produce.   

[zibazinski]

Soapy, not just dirty and in th sink. Yuck.

[Pants]

Monkey - I read through the whole thread, and I just want to say I have literally been you. Hang in there, it DOES get better if you give it a chance.

A few random things:  

-Doesn't matter if you're not breastfeeding, only 3 months out you are still hormonal! For the record, so is your DH.
 
-Night waking is night waking and it's still contributing to the insanity. Also, turn the monitor off if she's across the hall. That has to be terrible for your sleep!

-Getting organized does help. For us, it was figuring out what the nightly checklist was: Bottles made for tomorrow, lunches packed, today's bottles put in dishwasher, pump parts in dishwasher, new pump parts packed, milk put away, dogs fed, dinner, baby bath, baby to bed. That was what absolutely HAD to get done every night in order to get out the door the next morning. Once I verbalized that that was the bare minimum, and that I needed DH to attack it with me, it became a much more all-hands-on-deck environment.

-I also picked a couple of things and told DH they absolutely had to be done a certain number of times per week and he was in charge of it. I thought about the things that bugged me the most when they didn't get done and had that "ugh why can he not SEE it needs to be done" feeling - it was the dogs missing out on walks and laundry. So I put him totally in charge of those two things and said that they had to be done x number of times per week. That way, it never got to the point where it made me crazy. In exchange, I did the night wakings. Since I was already awake literally as soon as she moved anyway, that was easy for me to do.

-I totally agree with giramomma about saying thank you. It's so important to DH, even though I feel I shouldn't have to thank him for doing stuff that just needs to get done. But it makes him feel important AND it helps me recognize when he does something, which helps put some marks in his scorekeeping column.

[HoneyBBQ]

I have 3 dogs and baby (well, toddler now). My house is gross. Period.  I try to keep on it but it's virtually impossible.  We had a maid before we moved but I haven't found one and set one up here yet. Plus things are a lot more expensive so I'm trying to see what our filth tolerance is before forking out the dough!

But yeah, just let sh*t slide til baby is at least a year. Order take out. Pizza. Paper plates. Buy new clothes instead of washing old ones. Whatever you have to do to keep everyone fed and moderately healthy. It's impossible if you both work to find the time to do stuff that you're "supposed" to be doing. Just get through it and when the dust balls settle you'll still be a family.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 8:50:58 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Jul 30, 2013 8:07:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Before the days of dishwashers, there used to be soapy water in the sink and you put your dishes in there all day long. Seriously by the end of the day the dishes were practically clean. Even if you have a dishwasher it alleviates rinsing them off and sometimes even scrubbing at them if something is caked on. Is it just the two of you and a baby? No pets? How dirty can the house really be?

There's the two of us, baby, a cat that pukes a lot and a dog that sheds constantly...we do have a dishwasher, but we use that for dishes and glasses.  When I talk about dishes in the sink, I'm talking about stuff used to make dinner (pots, pans, cutting boards, etc).  

I will soak a dish if needed (one in there right now), but I get sleeved out about leaving a stack of dishes in the sink in water.  I don't want to stick my hand in there to drain it.  I have seen sinks that you can now do that without having to put your hand in there, but we don't have one.  Maybe the next house.  

why not put everything in the dishwasher?  there are very few things that can't go in there.

[HoneyBBQ]

None of my pots, pans, or knives go in the dishwasher.

[midjd]

why not put everything in the dishwasher? there are very few things that can't go in there.

I don't know about Monkey's dishwasher, but mine will only fit about 1-2 pans at a time (and that's if there aren't a lot of other dishes). They have to be laid horizontally or the blade hits them. I suppose I could buy smaller pans, but that seems like overkill.

Maybe pull a Sheila's brother and install a second dishwasher

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have 3 dogs and baby (well, toddler now). My house is gross. Period

I thinking about naming a few of the dog tumbleweeds in the corners of our floor.

My mom bought me a dustbuster for my birthday this year.  BEST PRESENT EVER!  Now I can suck up the giant hairballs rather than having to get out everything I need to clean the floors.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 11:02:31 GMT -5 midjd said:

why not put everything in the dishwasher? there are very few things that can't go in there.

I don't know about Monkey's dishwasher, but mine will only fit about 1-2 pans at a time (and that's if there aren't a lot of other dishes). They have to be laid horizontally or the blade hits them. I suppose I could buy smaller pans, but that seems like overkill.

Maybe pull a Sheila's brother and install a second dishwasher

you can't fit the dishes and pots and pans from a meal in the dishwasher all at once?  I have a handful of things that I don't put in the dishwasher...everything goes in there or it would never get washed (my kids don't share my sense of organization and cleanliness).

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 11:00:58 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

None of my pots, pans, or knives go in the dishwasher.

My knives would NEVER go in the dishwasher.  Heck, DH doesnt want them in the drying rack.  they get washed, dried and put away.  Pots I put in if there's room and I'm about to run it.  Otherwise, the pots and pans get washed.  By the time I'm ready to run it, I will have needed that pot again.  Realistically, we use about 3-4 pots and pans on a regular basis.  I probably wouldn't put my expensive All Clad one in there, though.

i don't have a problem doing dishes....my annoyance was more "why doesn't he do things that he can SEE need to be done without having to be asked' and it was pointed out to me that he just may not SEE them as obviously as I do.  

[HoneyBBQ]

Jul 30, 2013 11:06:06 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I have 3 dogs and baby (well, toddler now). My house is gross. Period

I thinking about naming a few of the dog tumbleweeds in the corners of our floor.

My mom bought me a dustbuster for my birthday this year.  BEST PRESENT EVER!  Now I can suck up the giant hairballs rather than having to get out everything I need to clean the floors.

I have a dustbuster... poor thing runs about 1 minute before I have to empty it and recharge it LOL. I was thinking about the roomba solution, but I have area rugs over hardwoods, so not sure how well it would work. I imagine it couldn't HURT in any care.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 11:08:41 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Jul 30, 2013 11:02:31 GMT -5 midjd said:

I don't know about Monkey's dishwasher, but mine will only fit about 1-2 pans at a time (and that's if there aren't a lot of other dishes). They have to be laid horizontally or the blade hits them. I suppose I could buy smaller pans, but that seems like overkill.

Maybe pull a Sheila's brother and install a second dishwasher

you can't fit the dishes and pots and pans from a meal in the dishwasher all at once?  I have a handful of things that I don't put in the dishwasher...everything goes in there or it would never get washed (my kids don't share my sense of organization and cleanliness).

I could, but I'd be running it every night.  Sucker takes over 2 hours to run and then sings when it's done.  I'm not running that thing every night.  I only have the ability to do a half load with the top rack, not to just do the bottom rack.

And no, I don't have room for a 2nd dishwasher.     In the next house I'd like a drawer dishwasher so I can run half a load at a time.  

[Deleted]

I run mine several times a day.

[raeoflyte]

Jul 30, 2013 10:52:36 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

I have 3 dogs and baby (well, toddler now). My house is gross. Period.  I try to keep on it but it's virtually impossible.  We had a maid before we moved but I haven't found one and set one up here yet. Plus things are a lot more expensive so I'm trying to see what our filth tolerance is before forking out the dough!

But yeah, just let sh*t slide til baby is at least a year. Order take out. Pizza. Paper plates. Buy new clothes instead of washing old ones. Whatever you have to do to keep everyone fed and moderately healthy. It's impossible if you both work to find the time to do stuff that you're "supposed" to be doing. Just get through it and when the dust balls settle you'll still be a family.

Thank you-really. This is our house too. We clean every freaking day, but with pets and kids it always looks like crap. I'm mostly ok with it, but ugh. Someday I'm going to have my own space and it will be beautiful.

[greeniis10]

Jul 30, 2013 11:17:27 GMT -5 oped said:

I run mine several times a day.

Wow!  Really  I know you have kids, so I'm guessing that contributes to it, but still...

I have a Bose dishwasher.  We put everything in it (including the Cutco knives) and everything comes out sparkly clean and undamaged.  The minimum cycle is 35 - 38 min. so a dishwasher that took two hours to run (as someone else mentioned) would drive me insane!  I also purposely do not use the dry cycle.  Waste of electricity and heat.  We just open the door and let it air dry. 

[Deleted]

I homeschool. We are often home for three meals a day. I cook a lot. I also have different dietary needs than the fam. Sometimes I cook twice and sometimes we all make our own. My daughter likes to bake... We use our kitchen a lot.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 11:33:26 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Jul 30, 2013 11:17:27 GMT -5 oped said:

I run mine several times a day.

Wow!  Really  I know you have kids, so I'm guessing that contributes to it, but still...

I have a Bose dishwasher.  We put everything in it (including the Cutco knives) and everything comes out sparkly clean and undamaged.  The minimum cycle is 35 - 38 min. so a dishwasher that took two hours to run (as someone else mentioned) would drive me insane!  I also purposely do not use the dry cycle.  Waste of electricity and heat.  We just open the door and let it air dry. 

I don't understand why it matters how long the dishwasher takes....it's not like you have to do anything while it's running.

[Deleted]

I don't know how long mine takes...

[greeniis10]

Also, on topic, interestingly I'm reading a book titled "Give & Take" by Adam Grant.  Just last night I read the section in chapter 3 talking about "Responsibility Bias".  A study of married couples was conducted and each was asked to estimate their percentage of household work that they feel they put forth.  When added together, the vast majority of couples percentages added up to significantly more than 100%, exaggerating their own contributions relative to others' out puts. 

The chapter gives quite in-depth research which I found interesting.  It also mentioned "information descrepancy".  To prove this, researchers then asked the couples to list their spouse's contributions first and then their own.  On average, people were able to come up with 11 of their own contributions and only 8 of their partners.  I.e. "information discrepancy".  We know what we do but we do not know and/or remember each thing our spouse does as effectively as our own. 

Anyway, I think the OP has this resolved and a lot of good info has been given.  I only added the above due to the coincidence of reading it just last night. 

[greeniis10]

Jul 30, 2013 11:41:06 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Jul 30, 2013 11:33:26 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Wow!  Really  I know you have kids, so I'm guessing that contributes to it, but still...

I have a Bose dishwasher.  We put everything in it (including the Cutco knives) and everything comes out sparkly clean and undamaged.  The minimum cycle is 35 - 38 min. so a dishwasher that took two hours to run (as someone else mentioned) would drive me insane!  I also purposely do not use the dry cycle.  Waste of electricity and heat.  We just open the door and let it air dry. 

I don't understand why it matters how long the dishwasher takes....it's not like you have to do anything while it's running.

Money!  I don't like to waste water or electricity.  Personal preference.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2013 11:48:05 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Jul 30, 2013 11:41:06 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

I don't understand why it matters how long the dishwasher takes....it's not like you have to do anything while it's running.

Money!  I don't like to waste water or electricity.  Personal preference.

just because the dishwasher takes longer doesn't mean it uses more electricity or water.  similar to washing machines - my HE takes longer for a load but uses less of each than my previous non-HE washer.

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 21:23:59 GMT -5 CCL said:

Jul 29, 2013 19:54:48 GMT -5 swamp said:

But he's clean and you didn't have to,wash him. 

Or you could just keep the soap and shampoo near the tub in view and within reach. Where else would it be? Sometimes it helps if you just make it easier.

It usually is next to the tub in the hall bathroom, but the last time he had a bath (yea, he's not bathed daily ) it was in the master bathroom so I moved the stuff there. Whatever - he still coulda axed, dammit!

[midjd]

Jul 30, 2013 11:44:26 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Also, on topic, interestingly I'm reading a book titled "Give & Take" by Adam Grant.  Just last night I read the section in chapter 3 talking about "Responsibility Bias".  A study of married couples was conducted and each was asked to estimate their percentage of household work that they feel they put forth.  When added together, the vast majority of couples percentages added up to significantly more than 100%, exaggerating their own contributions relative to others' out puts. 

The chapter gives quite in-depth research which I found interesting.  It also mentioned "information descrepancy".  To prove this, researchers then asked the couples to list their spouse's contributions first and then their own.  On average, people were able to come up with 11 of their own contributions and only 8 of their partners.  I.e. "information discrepancy".  We know what we do but we do not know and/or remember each thing our spouse does as effectively as our own. 

Anyway, I think the OP has this resolved and a lot of good info has been given.  I only added the above due to the coincidence of reading it just last night. 

Very good points.

In my experience, other than the "usual" (dishes, laundry, sweeping/vacuuming, cleaning visible messes), if DH doesn't see me do it, he doesn't realize it's been done. I could spend all day Windexing the windows/mirrors, dusting the baseboards, cleaning out the fridge, etc., and - although he'd be sure to tell me the house looks great - would have no idea what, specifically, had been done to get it that way, or how much time it took.

I'm guilty of the same thing when it comes to outdoor chores. On Fridays I get home and the lawn is mowed. Sometimes the trees look different. But that's all I know. 

[zibazinski]

Jul 30, 2013 11:00:58 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

None of my pots, pans, or knives go in the dishwasher.

Mine, either. When I gave DD a nice set of knives I told her no dishwasher on them.

[zibazinski]

Well, you don't have to go out to the creek and wash clothes by hand, either, but it still takes time. When I had a full time job and a house and two kids and a useless husband, I made lists of what got done when. I wouldn't have survived otherwise. Guess what? Cleaning refrigerator or windows or even windowsills never made that list. No one died. Dusting I did while naps were being had unless I needed one, too. Vacuuming rarely got done but I didn't have dogs or cats. Bathrooms rarely cleaned either, no one is that filthy all the time. What got done was laundry and grocery and kitchen cleaned. That's it and was it for a VERY long time. Even when the kids got older and things got easier, maybe I vacuumed once a month.