greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jul 30, 2013 12:05:34 GMT -5
Money! I don't like to waste water or electricity. Personal preference. just because the dishwasher takes longer doesn't mean it uses more electricity or water. similar to washing machines - my HE takes longer for a load but uses less of each than my previous non-HE washer. Odd - it's just the opposite for me: my HE front loader washer takes at least 1/2 the time of my previous machine. Not trying to debate water and electricity usage. Like I said, it's just a personal preference for me: I do not like appliances running any longer than necessary to get the job done. Then again, I'm a person who doesn't use the dryer much, either, especially during the summer. Air is free!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2013 12:11:39 GMT -5
Seriously, unless you're a hoarder no ones house is all that gross.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2013 12:13:33 GMT -5
Kitchens need to be clean because of food prep and honestly a dirty kitchen just feels bad as well as looks bad. The rest of the house? Close the bedroom doors.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2013 13:20:57 GMT -5
Seriously, the kids do grow up and the house and related stuff does become manageable. When my kids were old enough, they even helped me. They thought it was fun to dust and empty wastebaskets. DS grocery shopped for me when he got his drivers license and put it away. The only thing that I made off limits to them was bathroom cleaning because I didn't want them touching chemicals when they were younger. When they got older I had a bit more money and hired a housekeeper every other week. I lived for every other Thursday plus I never had to nag them about tidying up. If they didn't put their stuff away, the housekeeper did it for them and good luck to them finding it again!
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 30, 2013 13:52:56 GMT -5
Seriously, unless you're a hoarder no ones house is all that gross. Clearly, you have never met my son.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2013 13:58:22 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 14:13:27 GMT -5
I don't understand why it matters how long the dishwasher takes....it's not like you have to do anything while it's running. Money! I don't like to waste water or electricity. Personal preference.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 14:15:04 GMT -5
Also, on topic, interestingly I'm reading a book titled "Give & Take" by Adam Grant. Just last night I read the section in chapter 3 talking about "Responsibility Bias". A study of married couples was conducted and each was asked to estimate their percentage of household work that they feel they put forth. When added together, the vast majority of couples percentages added up to significantly more than 100%, exaggerating their own contributions relative to others' out puts. The chapter gives quite in-depth research which I found interesting. It also mentioned "information descrepancy". To prove this, researchers then asked the couples to list their spouse's contributions first and then their own. On average, people were able to come up with 11 of their own contributions and only 8 of their partners. I.e. "information discrepancy". We know what we do but we do not know and/or remember each thing our spouse does as effectively as our own. Anyway, I think the OP has this resolved and a lot of good info has been given. I only added the above due to the coincidence of reading it just last night. Yep, I think I alluded to this in the original post. Unfortunately, knowing something logically doesn't mean I still won't react emotionally.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 30, 2013 14:21:29 GMT -5
I find asking myself if this is something I want to be stuck doing myself before I open my mouth helps.
Sure some things do need said, I wouldn't want DH to hurt himself or break/damage something and I have my own tolerance threshold for things. But sometimes and on some things I'd much rather not be stuck doing it myself so I keep my mouth shut.
I don't want to do the dishes all the time, so even though it bugs me I keep my mouth shut if he doesn't get them done in the time frame I want him to.
I cannot control DH, I can only control my own reactions. I can either try to force him to comply which won't end well and will probably result in me being stuck doing it OR I can suck it up buttercup.
There's just not enough time in the day, especially with a kid. It isn't worth it to me anymore, I'll take whatever help I can get.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 30, 2013 14:28:01 GMT -5
DH and I routinely thank each other for doing our jobs. Especially if he's had a bad day at work and comes home exhausted, I hug him and thank him for working and supporting us. And if he comes home and sees that I'm about to murder both the kids, he thanks me for keeping them alive another day.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 30, 2013 14:30:32 GMT -5
Seriously, unless you're a hoarder no ones house is all that gross. Oh I disagree. DH and I use to friends with this couple and their house was NASTY. Like once we had DS, I didn't want to take him over nasty. They were older. The husband was in poor health and they had teenagers and 2 dogs and they never ever cleaned. Now, my DH is slightly OCD about cleaning and some of that has rubbed off on me. But I'm not that much of a neat freak, but their house still grossed me out.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 30, 2013 14:32:46 GMT -5
...:::"He got about 10 minutes less of relaxing time, but he also got a wife that didn't secretly want to shoot him while he was out on the porch and I was stuck inside making dinner by myself.":::...
Excellent! That 10 minutes he "invested" might very well pay back big time.
I'm going to use an emotionally charged word -- mainly because I'm in the mood for a fireworks show. Men respond to praise. There I said it. Praise doesn't mean "so I'm supposed to throw him a fucking parade because he did something he was supposed to do anyway". Praise can simply mean appreciation, or recognition/thanks (which you provided).
KABOOM!
...:::"When I talk about dishes in the sink, I'm talking about stuff used to make dinner (pots, pans, cutting boards, etc).":::...
I have this problem too. There are things I won't or can't put in the dishwasher. Too bad they don't make paper pots...
...:::"Wow, that's pretty passive-agressive, don't you think? When my DH doesn't want to do something, he simply says "no"":::...
And when he says "no"; do you
A: say "OK" and then peacefully go do the thing yourself, while harboring no resent or score keeping WHATSOEVER. B: try to change his mind, through whatever form of manipulation suits the situation C: make a mental note, do the thing yourself with a cloud over your head, and make sure to say "no" to something later.
I've already tried the peaceful and direct approaches. The requests don't stop. I gotta work with what I have.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 30, 2013 14:33:03 GMT -5
DH and I routinely thank each other for doing our jobs. Especially if he's had a bad day at work and comes home exhausted, I hug him and thank him for working and supporting us. And if he comes home and sees that I'm about to murder both the kids, he thanks me for keeping them alive another day. We say thank you a lot to each other. It helps to know that my efforts are appreciated.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 30, 2013 14:38:35 GMT -5
Seriously, the kids do grow up and the house and related stuff does become manageable. When my kids were old enough, they even helped me. They thought it was fun to dust and empty wastebaskets. DS grocery shopped for me when he got his drivers license and put it away. The only thing that I made off limits to them was bathroom cleaning because I didn't want them touching chemicals when they were younger. When they got older I had a bit more money and hired a housekeeper every other week. I lived for every other Thursday plus I never had to nag them about tidying up. If they didn't put their stuff away, the housekeeper did it for them and good luck to them finding it again! It also doesn't have to take that long for the kids to help out around the house. DS was 1.5 when DH would hand him a duster and have him help when he dusted. I think he was also around 1.5 when we started making a big deal about DS picking up his own toys every night. It is a pain to enforce it, but it makes the house feel so much cleaner if we take the 5 minutes it takes to pick everything up at night. Since DD got mobile, DS's toys are all confined to his room and he just has to shove them in his closet and be able to shut the door at night. DS has his own toy vacuum to use while DH is vacuuming the house.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 30, 2013 14:44:02 GMT -5
...:::"At first, saying "Thank you" to your spouse/kids seems forced. I mean, I personally have a hard time thanking someone for doing something they should be doing anyway...":::... ...:::"After a while it doesn't. And in our house, a little appreciation goes a long way.":::... Amazing, huh! I separated the two pieces of your statement, because you personally experienced exactly what I posted about regarding praise. The attitude that everyone "should" be working up to a standard (yeah... MY standard...) is what creates a lot of this resent in the first place. I'm happy to do things when they are appreciated. When they aren't, why bother? ...:::"...when BIL said "we really need to stop that" -- which I heard as SHE needs to stop it, because that is what DH means when he says it.":::... My automatic response when DW asks why a thing wasn't done that either of us could have done, is "because nobody did it". Its losing its potency so I may just start saying "because YOU didn't do it". I mean, obviously *I* didn't do it, or we wouldn't be arguing! Sheesh...
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 30, 2013 14:49:32 GMT -5
...:::"I need to learn to let go of some things....whether it be that things I ask him to get done be done on my timeline, or getting more comfortable with asking for help, or just abandoning things that aren't essential all together.":::...
I bet as you say this, you are thinking "ie, I have to settle for less". I want you to consider the likelihood that there are plenty of things he DOES do, that YOU don't notice because you are used to them just happening. Things you've never had to ask for -- things you may not even realize he does. So to play the victim and act like the solution is for you to just settle for less is a half truth, and grounds for him saying "I agree, lets scale back" and you won't like the results.
...:::"I have a Bose dishwasher.":::...
Does it sound good?
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jul 30, 2013 15:06:13 GMT -5
Ummm what about D<E<F<G<H? For me it also depends on why he said no. But really my DH doesn't say no, just to say no. So I will either respect that and do it myself, or ask why. Now if the why is something we can work around, as in no because I plan to do this now... then I may ask him if he could do it when he is done. Or no because he doesn't have the things he need to do it, we may get the things he needs, ect... There are some things that DH hates to do, there are somethings I hate to do. Those things we don't even bother asking the other person to do. I think I have already said I hate vacuuming. If I had my way there wouldn't be a single carpet in the world. Guess who vacuums in this house. DH hates slugs, like doesn't want to walk across the porch if there are slugs on it, caterpillars are not his friends either, but he will go around them. So when there are slugs I go get them. And if there is a slug I will drop almost anything I'm doing to take care of it because I know how much he dislikes them. WWGB- your marriage sounds like a strategy board game with you and your DW playing differnt sides, some odd power game that you both play against each other. Instead of honesty and communication you both use tricks and manipulations.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 15:29:22 GMT -5
Money! I don't like to waste water or electricity. Personal preference. Sometimes 'money and wate' have to take a back burner to sanity. Do what you think is a waste for a month and see what Impact it actually has...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 15:57:21 GMT -5
Our house is dirty most of the time, but I have been trying to make most of the chores into a 15-25 minute task (like cleaning a toilet and sink is a task, washing dishes is a task, sweeping/vacuuming is a task, etc.). The goal is to do at least one task a day. It may not keep the house spotless, but it should make it a little less gross.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 16:17:22 GMT -5
...:::"I need to learn to let go of some things....whether it be that things I ask him to get done be done on my timeline, or getting more comfortable with asking for help, or just abandoning things that aren't essential all together.":::... I bet as you say this, you are thinking "ie, I have to settle for less". I want you to consider the likelihood that there are plenty of things he DOES do, that YOU don't notice because you are used to them just happening. Things you've never had to ask for -- things you may not even realize he does. So to play the victim and act like the solution is for you to just settle for less is a half truth, and grounds for him saying "I agree, lets scale back" and you won't like the results. Actually no, I didn't think that at all.....I fully admit that I am likely underestimating his contribution. Which is why I want to be so careful about building resentment towards the things he doesn't do because there is a lot that he does do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 16:21:16 GMT -5
I can't honestly think of a situation where I asked DH to do something and he just said no. Maybe we haven't been married long enough. I'm trying to think of something he's asked me to do that I would have just said no to. (Ok,other than sex, we've both turned each other down for that.) Let me ponder this....see if I can come up with an example so I can try to remember how I dealt with it....
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 30, 2013 20:32:13 GMT -5
Our house is dirty most of the time, but I have been trying to make most of the chores into a 15-25 minute task (like cleaning a toilet and sink is a task, washing dishes is a task, sweeping/vacuuming is a task, etc.). The goal is to do at least one task a day. It may not keep the house spotless, but it should make it a little less gross. It really does help. This morning, the kids and I whipped our bathrooms into shape. DS did the toilets. DD did the sinks, and I cleaned the floors. The only thing that didn't get clean was the shower. Individually, we spent about 5 minutes each cleaning, and the bathrooms are good to go for another week. I noticed we had a 10 minute window, and I used it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 31, 2013 9:56:23 GMT -5
See, that stuff works. Nothing that important takes more than ten minutes. I can load a dishwasher and set it to go in less than that. I can empty it and put them away in less than that. I can throw a load of clothes in in less than that and transfer them to the dryer. Folding can take more but not always. When I was doing laundry for four people, I did my sheets one day, kids the next, towels the third day, and so on. A load a day so it was never ending but never overwhelming, either. I planned meals a month in advance which drove everyone crazy but me so tough to them. Floors were probably gross most of the time but so what? Kitchens and bathrooms were clean and to me, that's what counts.
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