Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 9:56:29 GMT -5
I don't know. One thing that struck me was listening to some talk show and the psychologist said to lay in bed and now imagine that your spouse is NOT laying there next to you. I think that kind of drives the point home. We are often WAY too hard on one another. Home should be a soft place to fall. And, that doesn't mean we don't ask for what we want or don't work together but a healthy dose of forgiveness across the board works wonders.
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Jul 28, 2013 9:58:54 GMT -5
We just had a huge fight over this issue. After we talked about it, we discovered the issue was when the chores got done. Example, if I decided it was cleaning time, I expected him to do things on my schedule. We are both of the opinion that if it bothers you-clean it. So things aren't always 50/50.
But being able to talk about it is key. So now, I try to hold back and not treat him like he should do things according to my schedule. Although I still think that if you are going to bother to load the dishwasher, you should go all the way and wash the frying pan. Now I just wash the pan if I want it done right away, or leave it for him to get around to.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 28, 2013 9:59:20 GMT -5
Thanks for the update, monkey! I'm so glad you were able to sit down with DH and communicate. Sometimes, as you say, we drag old baggage along with us into a new life and the darned stuff gets in the way! Sounds like your DH is a great guy who's willing to work with you to make things easier.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 10:08:00 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 11:27:44 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free! We aren't good planners, so we end up running out several times a week....I go after work since he is generally in charge of picking up the baby. Easier without the child. I tried to plan this week though, and we just did the shopping together....I waited for deli meat with th baby while he got the other items...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 11:29:13 GMT -5
We just had a huge fight over this issue. After we talked about it, we discovered the issue was when the chores got done. Example, if I decided it was cleaning time, I expected him to do things on my schedule. We are both of the opinion that if it bothers you-clean it. So things aren't always 50/50. But being able to talk about it is key. So now, I try to hold back and not treat him like he should do things according to my schedule. Although I still think that if you are going to bother to load the dishwasher, you should go all the way and wash the frying pan. Now I just wash the pan if I want it done right away, or leave it for him to get around to. This is good insight. As was the other post about a list on the fridge that gets crossed off. all in all, DH is awesome and we will figure it out. I just don't want my issues to become our issues...
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jul 28, 2013 11:48:22 GMT -5
I generally prefer to do things myself, but when I was pregnant w/ my first was when I learned to delegate w/o feeling bad about it. Now that the kids are older, I try to delegate as much as possible to them (with mixed success) - setting the table for dinner, making salad, hanging laundry, garbage/recycling duty, etc. I've learned that I have to make a trade-off: asking someone else to do something means I have to accept the way that they do it. If I don't like the way they do the job, do I want to do it myself to get it done right (in my eyes), or just live w/ it as the price of delegating the job?
It's not worth asking DH to do the dishes - things will end up put away God only knows where, he'll break something, he'll complain his back hurts after 5 minutes, etc. It's faster for me to do it and be done. Other jobs - go knock yourself out.
I also always try to remember to thank anyone who does something for me, even if it is something they do often. I want them to know that I recognize and appreciate their help, and want the kids to learn to do the same.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 28, 2013 12:48:23 GMT -5
Oh man! Don't get me started on having DH help with the grocery shopping... I do have to ask him to pick up a thing or two on the way home from his job occasionally. But, he ALWAYS ends up buying a bunch of snacky CRAP that was never on the list. I suppose he's hungry, because he just got off work, but sheesh, it's EVERY SINGLE TIME. If I want to keep our grocery budget, without going over, I need to keep him out of the store!
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fwjone819
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Post by fwjone819 on Jul 28, 2013 12:57:56 GMT -5
I've been nodding my head up and down through two pages of comments. I see myself and DH in almost every comment. LOL One of the things that used to bug hubby was that I would redo things after he did them and it ticked him off. Example, I would ask him to fold the towels a certain way and EVERY TIME he folded towels I refolded them. I never complained to him about his "help", only requested that he change his folding pattern. What he never seemed to realize was that in the places we lived, with the limited space we had for shelving the towels would only fit ONE WAY. I kept asking him to fold them one way, he'd do it wrong and when I tried to put them away, I'd have to refold them and then he'd ask why I bothered to ask him to do things if I was just going to do them over anyway, then he would quit doing whatever job it was all together. I had tried to explain WHY folding the towels a certain way was important, but he either didn't listen or didn't understand. One day, I had a thought. When he got done folding the towels, I asked him to go put them away. A couple of minutes later, he yelled, "Hey, these won't all fit in here, where do I put the extras?" (We had 10 bath towels in the entire house people). I smiled gently and said, "I guess you need to fold them narrower, because you have to stack them 3 wide. He just looked at me for a minute, went back into the closet and NOT ONCE since then has he folded the towels incorrectly. I learned that day that my hubby is a visual guy and he learned that day that when I ask him to do a task for me and GIVE HIM SPECIFICS, that I have a reason for it and it is easier for him and me if he just does it my way. Since then, we rarely have had a miscommunication and I don't "redo" his efforts. Life gets easier as you go if you just persist and don't get pissed.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 13:00:44 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free! We aren't good planners, so we end up running out several times a week....I go after work since he is generally in charge of picking up the baby. Easier without the child. I tried to plan this week though, and we just did the shopping together....I waited for deli meat with th baby while he got the other items... Well, DH pretty much goes to the store EVERY day.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2013 14:03:47 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free! We aren't good planners, so we end up running out several times a week....I go after work since he is generally in charge of picking up the baby. Easier without the child. I tried to plan this week though, and we just did the shopping together....I waited for deli meat with th baby while he got the other items... Monkey- Keep trying with the planning. Eventually, you will get in the groove. DH has been menu planning for years now. It takes us 10 minutes to plan meals for the week (based on our kids activities), and for him to check off his electronic list. He goes grocery shopping on Mondays with between 1-3 kids. It takes him 45 minutes. He also goes on Thursday to replenish milk and fresh foods. That takes less than a half hour. One of my co-workers makes fun out of me because I'm a huge planner. I've already got an idea of Christmas gifts, half of the St. Nick stocking stuff has been purchased, and I'm gathering ideas for one of my kids' birthday (which is in 4 months, give or take.) I've also been picking away at school supplies, because after we get back from vacation, I don't want to be running around picking through picked over last minute items. I should be close to being done for my two kids in a few days. Planning/organization is the ONLY way we can keep our heads above water. It's the only way I can get it all done AND have a few moments to myself a day (a good day, it's an hour of down time to engage in something fun.) It is really incredible at the amount of stuff we now get done vs. when we were kidless. ETA: Our marriage began to be much smoother when I finally believed my husband when he said "I'm not a mind-reader. You have to tell me what you need." And, when I learned to ask for what I need, my DH was MORE than happy to do whatever. He just expected me to tell him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 16:45:12 GMT -5
ETA: Our marriage began to be much smoother when I finally believed my husband when he said "I'm not a mind-reader. You have to tell me what you need." And, when I learned to ask for what I need, my DH was MORE than happy to do whatever. He just expected me to tell him. THIS. It's annoying though, because how can he not SEE things that need to be done?? There are clean dishes in the dishwasher. And bottles need to be labeled for daycare. And a pile of dirty clothes. To give him credit, as I was emptying the garbage today, he got up from watching golf on the couch and washed bottles today. And I said thank you. the other pet peeve? I got an email the other day from him..."have we done x, y, z?" And when I reply no, he says "we'll, don't you think we need to do that?" Argh. If you want ME to do something, just ask.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 28, 2013 16:57:50 GMT -5
THIS. It's annoying though, because how can he not SEE things that need to be done?? There are clean dishes in the dishwasher. And bottles need to be labeled for daycare. And a pile of dirty clothes. To give him credit, as I was emptying the garbage today, he got up from watching golf on the couch and washed bottles today. And I said thank you. the other pet peeve? I got an email the other day from him..."have we done x, y, z?" And when I reply no, he says "we'll, don't you think we need to do that?" Argh. If you want ME to do something, just ask. Which is when you respond "you are free to do x whenever you want"
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 28, 2013 16:59:52 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free! When DH does grocery shopping, he comes home with a 12 pack of Pepsi, a pound of hamburger, a bunch of bananas, Oreos, Doritos, and an apple. If I send him with a list, he will but the expensive brand of everything, so I would have to write "price chopper butter" otherwise he will pay twice as much for land o lakes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 18:08:57 GMT -5
Who doesn't keep score???
It is impossible not too unless you are a martyr.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 18:22:48 GMT -5
I seriously had to let go of the "why doesn't he SEE" notion. The fact is he just doesn't SEE the world the same way as i do. And, i USED to have an amazing brain with amazing recall of everything. I used to get royally po ed when DH 'forgot" something. I thought it was some passive aggressive baloney. Well, low and behold after having our third child where i almost died and was in DIC and ICU, my brain is no longer firing on all cylinders (but you all knew that didn't ya?) and now i am surprised that i even remember to put clothes on when i am walking out the door. I can't remember crap anymore!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 28, 2013 18:23:46 GMT -5
I don't know. One thing that struck me was listening to some talk show and the psychologist said to lay in bed and now imagine that your spouse is NOT laying there next to you. I think that kind of drives the point home. We are often WAY too hard on one another. Home should be a soft place to fall. And, that doesn't mean we don't ask for what we want or don't work together but a healthy dose of forgiveness across the board works wonders. I get the sentiment on this. The first 12 years of my relationship was based on this, and there's a word for it... Co-dependent. 2 words actually because enabler sums me up pretty good too. I love my husband, but I didn't do him, me, or us any favors by thinking I had to accept everything as is.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 28, 2013 19:03:43 GMT -5
I don't know. One thing that struck me was listening to some talk show and the psychologist said to lay in bed and now imagine that your spouse is NOT laying there next to you. I think that kind of drives the point home. We are often WAY too hard on one another. Home should be a soft place to fall. And, that doesn't mean we don't ask for what we want or don't work together but a healthy dose of forgiveness across the board works wonders. This actually works but you need to imagine them next to you with a pillow over their face!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 28, 2013 19:41:48 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2013 20:54:58 GMT -5
Seriously, turn over the grocery shopping and you will feel free! We aren't good planners, so we end up running out several times a week....I go after work since he is generally in charge of picking up the baby. Easier without the child. I tried to plan this week though, and we just did the shopping together....I waited for deli meat with th baby while he got the other items... That makes your life about 10 times harder than it has to be. Things that aren't organized take longer and don't get done right. Honest, taking an hour or two to plan things out at the beginning of the week will save you so much time through out the week you will think you have cloned yourself.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 28, 2013 21:09:29 GMT -5
...:::"I had tried to explain WHY folding the towels a certain way was important, but he either didn't listen or didn't understand. One day, I had a thought. When he got done folding the towels, I asked him to go put them away. A couple of minutes later, he yelled, "Hey, these won't all fit in here, where do I put the extras?" (We had 10 bath towels in the entire house people). I smiled gently and said, "I guess you need to fold them narrower, because you have to stack them 3 wide. He just looked at me for a minute, went back into the closet and NOT ONCE since then has he folded the towels incorrectly.":::...
I'd say you figured out the key to changing someone's behavior: ensure that the consequences of NOT changing are immediate and require more work than the change itself. Bravo for figuring out how to do that in this situation, since each situation requires a different application of the technique.
When people are insulated from the consequences of their behavior, they have absolutely no incentive to do anything different. Its very easy to demand that someone work harder when you benefit from it without putting in any effort. I find that when people like that actually have to expend some energy; whatever it was they thought was absolutely essential suddenly becomes very flexible!
...:::"It's annoying though, because how can he not SEE things that need to be done??":::...
THIS is exactly the attitude that causes the problem in the first place. Assuming you are NOT going to get what you want, which is him knowing every little thing that has to be done and doing it before you have to ask; the best possible second you can have is asking for it.
I point stuff like this out to DW and it seems to help sometimes. I apologize if I've made a mistake, but I try to explain to her that I can try to fix the mistake (usually at larger effort/expense to myself) or since she is ALREADY pissed off, I might as well just do what I want since I've essentially already paid.
...:::"It is impossible not too unless you are a martyr.":::...
Martyr's keep score. Their score is always "whatever your score is, plus 100".
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 28, 2013 21:21:35 GMT -5
Are you both getting enough sleep? It can make a huge difference.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2013 21:31:22 GMT -5
Seriously, telling a grown person how to fold towels? I would rather live under a bridge.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 28, 2013 22:48:26 GMT -5
Who doesn't keep score It is impossible not too unless you are a martyr. Oh please. There are plenty of people in healthy relationships that don't keep score and that's why their marriages work.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 28, 2013 22:51:10 GMT -5
I generally prefer to do things myself, but when I was pregnant w/ my first was when I learned to delegate w/o feeling bad about it. Now that the kids are older, I try to delegate as much as possible to them (with mixed success) - setting the table for dinner, making salad, hanging laundry, garbage/recycling duty, etc. I've learned that I have to make a trade-off: asking someone else to do something means I have to accept the way that they do it. If I don't like the way they do the job, do I want to do it myself to get it done right (in my eyes), or just live w/ it as the price of delegating the job? See, I don't see it as asking for help. You live in this house? You have responsibilities. I have to remind my 5 yr old to clean the table every.single.time but he knows it's his job and not like he is doing me any big favors.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 29, 2013 0:18:38 GMT -5
Right there with ya, OP...DH is incredible and incredibly hardworking (work and home) and I still get frustrated about similar things. Usually I stop, take a deep breath, and go over all the logical reasons I'm being ridiculous. But it's hard with all your hormones out of whack and on way too little sleep.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 29, 2013 0:46:59 GMT -5
I generally prefer to do things myself, but when I was pregnant w/ my first was when I learned to delegate w/o feeling bad about it. Now that the kids are older, I try to delegate as much as possible to them (with mixed success) - setting the table for dinner, making salad, hanging laundry, garbage/recycling duty, etc. I've learned that I have to make a trade-off: asking someone else to do something means I have to accept the way that they do it. If I don't like the way they do the job, do I want to do it myself to get it done right (in my eyes), or just live w/ it as the price of delegating the job? See, I don't see it as asking for help. You live in this house? You have responsibilities. I have to remind my 5 yr old to clean the table every.single.time but he knows it's his job and not like he is doing me any big favors. Excellent point. It isn't MY house but OUR house. And, that means Dh and the kids and i ALL work together to get the things done that need done. And, sorry, kids but you dont' get PAID to take care of the home. That is all part of being a family and taking care of the family home. I do think that is important to establish in your marriage that the HOME belongs to everyone. I used to get really ticked at DH when he claimed he was "helping" me. I told him, not this is YOUR home too and if you want it clean, then you help clean it!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 29, 2013 0:51:47 GMT -5
Exactly, shoobs. To me, the key is communication. If something is bothering you, you've got to talk about it. Sitting and stewing isn't going to help anybody. If you start out communicating, you don't end up with a situation in which the parties trying to communicate are so darned mad they can't see straight. Bring it up and iron out the wrinkles before it becomes a maddening problem. Worked for us.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 29, 2013 0:58:56 GMT -5
I just have found there are hills to die on and things just not worth fighting about. I don't know. We have both lost our parents and our son lost his best friend and another friend is dying of cancer, etc. I mean, i understand with little ones that there is a tremendous amount of work. I have 3 kids and there is always tons to do. And, we did fight a LOT in the beginning and frankly DH was not pulling his weight earlier in our marriage. Not because he didn't want to but I don't think he really knew how. We eventually worked things out after a lot of struggle. And, now we really do work together and that is a great feeling.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2013 6:40:49 GMT -5
...:::"It's annoying though, because how can he not SEE things that need to be done??":::... THIS is exactly the attitude that causes the problem in the first place. Assuming you are NOT going to get what you want, which is him knowing every little thing that has to be done and doing it before you have to ask; the best possible second you can have is asking for it. While I get your point and am working on myself to be better, there are some situations where I have to disagree. A sink full of dirty dishes, a full (clean) dishwasher, dirty laundry that is starting to overflow from the laundry basket, garbage can that's stinky or full. that being said, I am working to not get annoyed by these things....not doing great at it yet, but certainly making an effort.
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