KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 22:04:37 GMT -5
First of all, to you. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Second of all, why the heck are you missing your child's events to cut the grass when you have a gaggle of other able-bodied people in the household? Third of all, I'm woefully unqualified to give relationship advice, but is it really worth staying? It seems overall the kids don't respect you and your husband doesn't respect you. I know you don't want to give up and you want to take care of everyone, but who takes care of you? The step kid(s) are hellbent on going down the paths they've chosen, and it seems you care more about them than their birth parents do. No matter what you do you're going to get unending crap from everyone and you'll be blamed for whatever bad outcomes happen and get no credit, if by a miracle, there are any good outcomes. Are your efforts really going to make any difference in the end when you're fighting against the sabotaging of the ex and a husband who refuses to step up and be a parent? I could see hanging in there if you truly had a partner. But everything indicates you don't, you just have another older petulant child to take care of who briefly carries his own weight when absolutely forced to. At this moment - just going to address the bolded part: I planned on mowing the grass because: 1) LaLa was at work 2) Monkey was at a school function 3) Buddy was at a concert 4) and I (wrongly) assumed Rowdy was already at his mom's house. 5) Hun was still at work and was another hour drive away from home. That evening was the first evening in over a week that we hadn't had rain, the grass was actually dry and everything in our forecast stated that we'd have rain for the next 7 days. Our grass was already 6-8 inches high and we wouldn't be able to mow it easily if it got any higher. Not to fear - when Hun did get home, there were issues with starting to mow, so I had just started when I blew up at him for everything else was going on. I left the lawn mower in the middle of the yard, half-way through a row, and went to the last 20 minutes of the concert. Hun finished mowing the entire yard himself, mostly in the dark.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 22:13:56 GMT -5
Has he deleted the FB posting garbage? Sorry, not impressed with tears or promises. Actions are the only thing that counts & I think you have been here before. Financial irresponsibility + weak parenting + leaving you with heavy lifting + disrespecting you as a person = Heave-ho. I hope you land on your feet & hope Buddy doesn't adopt the attitudes and behaviors that are being modeled to him. for your mother's loss. I am glad you were able to go to her and provide some support for her emotional upheaval. Best wishes to both of you. He deleted the FB posting as soon as I called him out on it. That's something else we talked about - did he delete it because he realized how horrible it was (once I pointed it out to him) or did he delete it because he was upset that I called him out, essentially calling him a crappy parent and he didn't want others to see it? It told me a lot that he admitted it was because of the second reason initially, but only after reading an additional text message from me did he understand how much it should have been for the first reason. Actions do speak loud - and I'm watching actions very closely.....words mean nothing at this point.....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 22:31:06 GMT -5
Karaboo I'm really sorry to "butt in" but I've read every page of this thread. It started about bankruptcy and the boat ... I've never seen an update on any of that. Not the bankruptcy, not the finances, not the boat. So I'm guessing you're still treading water financially (at best) Your DH has sometimes indeed sort of come through, but only occasionally, and only under GREAT duress, ie when you're halfway out the door. And then it's the same old, same old, and you stay, and it starts up again. Except now, the kids are older, and it keeps getting worse. The others have raised great points about what your Buddy is learning from all of this, about how to treat a partner, a woman, a wife, a stepmom. But personally I'm absolutely terrified that one of your stepkids will do something to Buddy, to get back at you. If he's autistic, and comfortable with living with them, he's probably MUCH too trusting of them. He's the perfect target for them, and the perfect revenge. PLEASE KEEP YOURSELVES SAFE!!! ETA: I do know I have issues of my own, I am NOT claiming to be perfect, by any means! But you've given too much for FAR too long, and FAR too little in exchange. You need to take care of yourself, and Buddy now. The rest will either fall into place, or it won't. You, and Buddy, need to be your first concern. If their own parents (AND YOUR "HUN" can't be assed to do what's right for them, at this point, you get a pass. You tried your best. But don't be delusional!!!) I'm sorry to say this but my guess is that if you're not there for "Hun", he'll go to his ex. He's a weakling and a coward. You deserve so much better, but for some reason, you stay, and get kicked and stay again, and get kicked some more. WHY DO YOU ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR?! I'm so sorry about your Grandma, and kudos to you for finding the strength for your mom. I'm going to just respond to this quote - but please know for those of you who also brought up comments about Buddy, this is also my response for you as well (I just can't respond to everyone). First off - finances - we're still treading water. We were going to file bankruptcy, but since my job changed, we decided to wait a few more months for the new, lower paycheck amount to be considered normal. I took almost a $10 pay cut - I don't want a repayment plan structured on one amount when we actually make another. As for the fear of what the step-kids may do to Buddy. Buddy is VERY laid back.....until you piss him off. Rowdy is twice his size and I have seen him goad Buddy just for spite (normal kid stuff - nothing extreme - usually over who had control of the TV). When that switch is flipped in Buddy, I have actually had Rowdy come to me scared that Buddy was going to do some serious damage. I've seen the look in Buddy's eyes when Rowdy has done that to him and I know what Rowdy's scared of - I've told Rowdy - quit upsetting him on purpose and you won't have to worry about it. And it really was done on-purpose...until Rowdy saw that look in Buddy's eyes. He's never goaded him again that I'm aware of. Buddy has some of his dad in him (the sociopath) and while I don't think he'd do anything.....there's no sense poking a sleeping teddy bear - it might wake up and you find out its a real grizzly bear instead. (There have been times that I was seriously worried for my son taking after his dad - I don't think he does now, but there were times that I was worried myself.) Hun won't go back to his ex - that much I am sure of. If I were to leave though, he'd find someone else pretty quickly. He definitely has a co-dependent personality. I knew that from the beginning and was hesitant because I didn't want to be a "rebound" from his marriage (they had only been separated for 6 months at that point). Part of the reason I do stay has to do with my own childhood and issues that I deal with regarding my mom (which I started to post on the one I accidentally deleted). I am working through these issues, but I'm not sure how well I've done....I am going to be exploring this more in the future.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 22:37:28 GMT -5
I feel bad that you have zero friends that can take you and Buddy in while you decide the next step. Abusers do isolate their victims. If you had girlfriends, this shit would not have happened as long as it did already. I actually have several that will help me, besides my parents. The only reason I have not gone that route is because of school schedules for Buddy and because I don't want to listen to them bash my husband (which they will do). If I separate, it's because of my decision, with all of the facts involved, not because I'm listening to everyone who's only hearing my side of the story. This includes this board. I love you guys so much - but I readily admit that you're only hearing my side of the story and that can be incredibly inaccurate if both sides were heard. I'm trying to make sure I'm not jumping to conclusions about anything my DH does. I do try to listen to his opinion and his side. My way isn't the only way in this relationship - never has been, never will be (in this one or any other I happen to be in).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2015 22:40:50 GMT -5
Are you seeing a counselor? I'd recommend it.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 22:54:08 GMT -5
IIRC, the house is yours from before the marriage? One option would be for Hun to move elsewhere with Monkey. Because LaLa is 18+, because she is respectful while working and going to school to build her own future, I would consider letting her stay. I also think that it is best for them to leave because they are the ones refusing to get along with you. You may need to file for BK protection, secure Soc Sec for Buddy and do something to reverse your recent pay cut, but how long until you break in two from this? No no matter what else happens, it is time for Rowdy to be out of your house. Home is supposed to be a refuge and he is destroying that for you. Actions have consequences and this is where his actions have led him - he is no longer able to live in your home - where he goes and what he does is now his problem, not yours. IIRC, you and Hun we're seeing a counselor and his untreated ADHD, etc were finally being addressed - what is the status there? Also, are you still seeing your therapist? The reason I ask is because you may need to explore the idea that things like his recent FB post are caused by his excessive impulsivity and that they will not simply go away without a major, sustained effort on his part - the question is will he do that? I am so sorry that you are going through all of this but you can do it! Sending love, hugs and prayers for your strength and wisdom. While I purchased the house initially, Hun and I both moved in together from day one. The day I packed my bags to leave, he planned on packing everything to move and leave me with the house. I suspect, that if we do separate/divorce, that I'll still end up with the house and give LaLa the option of staying. The counselor we were seeing was a marriage counselor and we stopped seeing her about a month ago. She just wasn't able to help us in the way we needed to be helped. She's the one that held Hun accountable for the ADHD. He's still seeing the doctor for that and has been taking the meds. I still think he needs help in this area, but he's not accepting of that at the moment, but he does admit that the meds do help him. I'm not sure how much more he's willing to work at the ADHD. I can't fix that for him - only he can and we've discussed that. If it were up to me - Rowdy would already be gone from our house. I think Hun is thinking - he'll be gone within 3 weeks on his own - why add to being the bad-guy by forcing him out sooner? Not happy with this line of thinking at all......
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on May 18, 2015 22:54:16 GMT -5
Does Jetsam owe you guys back child support for the kids? If so, could that be considered if Rowdy goes to live with her? You might also want to explore what happens with regards to CS if the child is not enrolled in school - at age 17 it could be that he is required to work. I am so sorry that you are going through this and know that you are making every effort to be fair, and then some. If anything you seem to be the type of person that's always gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. Just make sure to take care of yourself. Are you still seeing a counselor? I just want for you to have people that are there for you. ETA - cross posted. Unfortunately, when things like ADHD are left untreated for such a long period of time, it takes so much more time, energy and effort. I just hope that you have someone to talk to for yourself. i can see your point about not waiting - why? Because he has crossed every boundary and Rowdy needs to be held accountable for those actions. At at this point in my life this is the only thing that I know - sometimes it takes time to see clearly and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, there is nothing else I can do. That is when I just have to let go. It seems to me that you are doing all you can and that you have done your very best.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 23:07:13 GMT -5
Are you seeing a counselor? I'd recommend it. I've seen 3 different counselors in the last three years. I'm currently not seeing one, but that doesn't mean I won't go back. Like most things, this relationship has issues that stem from incidents that happened years ago, before either of us knew the other. I'm aware of that and try to take things like that into consideration when making decisions involving my husband. I'm not perfect and neither is he. I've had plenty of people accuse me of being controlling, stubborn, and judgmental, just to name a few of my own flaws. And these are from actual friends - not the step kids or bio-mom! I'm also logical, rational, hard-working, and low-key emotional. I'm also more like my mom than I like to admit and that has caused some serious problems in relationships (she's estranged from her family, almost estranged from me, except for some advice I received from this board years ago that changed how I viewed her).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2015 23:12:58 GMT -5
I think that Rowdy needs to be Hun's issue to manage. I assume there is a court order assigning his residency with Hun. Strategically what Hun should do is tell Rowdy that he disagrees with any plan to move back with mom. It was toxic before and nothing has changed since the court ordered that he not live with her. In fact since he has been working with Jetsam on his plan to drop out and run away, he has made your household toxic and increasingly volatile. Neither of these situations are acceptable. If Rowdy leaves, Hun should consider him a runaway, report it and then leave it alone (not attempt to drag him back).
If Jetsam wants to haul Hun back into court, he just presents the police report, advises the court that he does not agree with Rowdy living with mom. He also advises the court of Rowdy's behavior towards you and the effect it is having on the other children, including the disruption that Jetsam created with Monkey. Toxic mom is doing everything she can to disrupt everyone's quiet enjoyment of life AND appears to be actively derailing the children into socially unacceptable behavior plus incenting them to drop out of school - then he lists out the altercations and name callings that have occurred. Let the judge rule on where the problem child is to live.
From your side, you need to do a little soul searching and really consider what you & Buddy's life is like now and how it would be if it were just you and Buddy. You seem to want to fix everyone else, but you are letting you and your child be very adversely affected by the situation for what looks like the last 3 years, maybe it has been longer. Hun doesn't go to Buddy's performances, and seems to make fun of him (which I find unconscionable). I don't think Hun's a "parent" to Buddy, so what exactly are you thinking you or he is getting from a pack of invaders making your home unsafe and your life miserable? It may be that you just write about the awful frustrating parts, but I can't see any positives from Hun & Co (even reading between the lines). He's drug you into a financial quagmire, of his design, and made your house a cesspool of hate and disquiet. Time to get over any inner voice that doesn't want a failed marriage & move to damage control for yourself and a sweet boy that deserves to be appreciated.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 18, 2015 23:18:37 GMT -5
Does Jetsam owe you guys back child support for the kids? If so, could that be considered if Rowdy goes to live with her? You might also want to explore what happens with regards to CS if the child is not enrolled in school - at age 17 it could be that he is required to work. I am so sorry that you are going through this and know that you are making every effort to be fair, and then some. If anything you seem to be the type of person that's always gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. Just make sure to take care of yourself. Are you still seeing a counselor? I just want for you to have people that are there for you. ETA - cross posted. Unfortunately, when things like ADHD are left untreated for such a long period of time, it takes so much more time, energy and effort. I just hope that you have someone to talk to for yourself. i can see your point about not waiting - why? Because he has crossed every boundary and Rowdy needs to be held accountable for those actions. At at this point in my life this is the only thing that I know - sometimes it takes time to see clearly and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, there is nothing else I can do. That is when I just have to let go. It seems to me that you are doing all you can and that you have done your very best. No - surprisingly, she's actually current with CS. I think that the best solution regarding CS would be for everyone to be on the same page and no one owe anyone anything going forward. However, that would require Jetsam to actually agree with us on something that could potentially be to her benefit (if we had to pay her). I think if we explain to her that CS for Rowdy would only last for the next year, while we'd request CS for Monkey for the following 3 years at full amount, that would "encourage" her to agree with us. She doesn't pay enough now in CS for one child, which I'm pretty sure is the reason she didn't request a reduction when LaLa graduated last summer. $150 a month for 3 kids doesn't go very far, so we won't be losing anything if we give it up. If anything, we'll gain some money without having to feed Rowdy any more!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2015 6:08:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry for Rowdy and its best he is gone. Now. Not on his time but yours. Long overdue. You can't save the world especially if you're being sabotaged by both of his parents, and you are, make no bones about that. My concern for you is two bad husbands in a row. This, to me, means YOU need fixing, not them, because if you were healthy, you'd attract healthy people and not be with unhealthy people. So your husband would find someone else to drain? So what? Is he that much of a prize? Any man better than no man at all? I see an emotional and financial vampire. I get that. It took me years before I was ready for a healthy relationship and I dated and was even briefly engaged to a lot of suckholes in that time period. Because I was getting healthier, I dawdled which was the right call for me. Eventually they moved on to other victims because I wasn't going to rescue them. It could have been me oh so easily again. That's why I feel you need fixing. The rest will fall into place and one day you will wake up and wonder why you ever tolerated any of the shit you did. Then you'll be mad at yourself, then you'll forgive yourself. BTDT. It's your house, those that don't follow the rules need to move on. Perhaps your husband needs to follow his son until he's ready to tow the line as well
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 19, 2015 9:10:29 GMT -5
I think that Rowdy needs to be Hun's issue to manage. I assume there is a court order assigning his residency with Hun. Strategically what Hun should do is tell Rowdy that he disagrees with any plan to move back with mom. It was toxic before and nothing has changed since the court ordered that he not live with her. In fact since he has been working with Jetsam on his plan to drop out and run away, he has made your household toxic and increasingly volatile. Neither of these situations are acceptable. If Rowdy leaves, Hun should consider him a runaway, report it and then leave it alone (not attempt to drag him back). If Jetsam wants to haul Hun back into court, he just presents the police report, advises the court that he does not agree with Rowdy living with mom. He also advises the court of Rowdy's behavior towards you and the effect it is having on the other children, including the disruption that Jetsam created with Monkey. Toxic mom is doing everything she can to disrupt everyone's quiet enjoyment of life AND appears to be actively derailing the children into socially unacceptable behavior plus incenting them to drop out of school - then he lists out the altercations and name callings that have occurred. Let the judge rule on where the problem child is to live. From your side, you need to do a little soul searching and really consider what you & Buddy's life is like now and how it would be if it were just you and Buddy. You seem to want to fix everyone else, but you are letting you and your child be very adversely affected by the situation for what looks like the last 3 years, maybe it has been longer. Hun doesn't go to Buddy's performances, and seems to make fun of him (which I find unconscionable). I don't think Hun's a "parent" to Buddy, so what exactly are you thinking you or he is getting from a pack of invaders making your home unsafe and your life miserable? It may be that you just write about the awful frustrating parts, but I can't see any positives from Hun & Co (even reading between the lines). He's drug you into a financial quagmire, of his design, and made your house a cesspool of hate and disquiet. Time to get over any inner voice that doesn't want a failed marriage & move to damage control for yourself and a sweet boy that deserves to be appreciated. You said it much better than I could. I agree that reporting Rowdy a runaway when he leaves is the best CYA move. Also, I don't think letting Jetsam off with no CS is a good idea. Even though it's not a lot, you're floundering around financially and denying Monkey the paltry sum SHE is owed is stupid. Do I expect it to be turned over to her directly, hell no, but the money is for her support and it will at least give you a bit more to feed, clothe, and house her.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 21, 2015 20:49:44 GMT -5
I've been trying to think how to respond to the last several posts, but have come up empty. And then, the thread: Its a Wonderful....Message Board appeared on YM Off-Topic. Please read my posts there: First and Second This partially explains my past with my mom and probably explains why I try so hard in my relationships now. It is what it is.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2015 0:56:25 GMT -5
True. But recognizing it is the first step to dealing with it. You don't have to accept a bad relationship with ANYONE. For ANY reason. Once you realize that, your relationships with people will change. Some for the better, some for the worse, but they will change.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2015 1:00:17 GMT -5
Change is scary for some people. I'm one of them. That fear has led me into hell and then some. I've accepted things no one should ever accept because I felt unworthy, thanks to my mom, to deserve better. I take zero shit from anyone now. People don't like that about me but tough shit. I like myself and I didn't for so many years. People can like me or not. I don't give two shits if they don't. I'm not being a doormat so they do.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on May 22, 2015 22:00:01 GMT -5
Hi Kara Thinking of you.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 22, 2015 22:35:00 GMT -5
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 23, 2015 8:44:31 GMT -5
Pray for me today.
I'm spending the day with my mom. She's hosting a baby shower for her niece, a cousin I've only met once (who just recently moved close to us for work), and some of her family is flying in to attend.
Every time moms family visits (which has been less than a dozen times in the last 40 years), Mom spends the entire time on edge, trying to gain their acceptance and "approval". This day is no different. She's spent the last several days planning to make sure her and her home and her family are "prefect".
However, this day is different because grandma has passed. The family coming, including the cousin, have all posted on FB about grandma and what a wonderful person she was and how much they will miss her. I'm sure part of the day will be spent talking about her and remembering memories.
My mom doesn't have those same memories of this person and has spent all her life just wanting to be part of the family and feel accepted. I suspect this will be a horrible day for my mom in so many ways (especially since she refuses to get professional help for this).
I'm getting ready to go to her house, hours before the rest are planning on arriving as moral support. The day is going to test my patience as well and will be interesting to see how everything plays out.
I'm on edge as well because of my own family life, so the next time I post, it might be for bail money!!! :-p
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on May 23, 2015 8:51:16 GMT -5
Prayer sent.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2015 9:07:57 GMT -5
Does it ever end for you? You poor thing. You're not stressed enough it seems. All I can say is repeat to your Mom the alcoholic prayer. A lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2015 9:40:27 GMT -5
Good vibes sent! Good luck
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 23, 2015 10:13:36 GMT -5
Good luck Kara!
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2015 10:30:02 GMT -5
I guess my mind works differently. I read your latest & immediately thought "what an excellent venue for Karaboo to yell at a bunch of people & blow off some steam" I wouldn't have any patience with alleged family treating my mother like shit. I'd go off on them. Especially with all the other stuff you have going on. It might mortify your mother, but I think that will be only a temporary thing. Then she'll appreciate it. Warning: I might just be in a mood today. I am really irritated with my sister & was considering telling her off. I already had one convo with her this week and told her someone was trying to do something nice for her & she was acting like a total b*tch about it, and needed to do some thinking before she said anything else. You have a lot more patience than me and I am sure you will mostly hold your tongue. But if anyone starts with negative statements or backhanded comments, there is nothing wrong with being blunt with them. I kind of like to make pompous people squirm, so will politely call them on the back handed slights. Watching them back-pedal on the slight is fun. Why does mom feel like she does not have acceptance of the family? What does she think her deficiency is?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 23, 2015 12:18:31 GMT -5
Unfortunately, so would I, baby shower be damned. I know it's all about the mother-to-be, and for the sake of the event, civility and politeness should be the rule. But if anyone dumps on a member of my immediate family, I'm going to prove that one of those cute gift bags can actually hold a body, if I stuff it in there just right.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 23, 2015 12:39:51 GMT -5
I'll have to reply more in depth later, but I appreciate the support!!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 25, 2015 20:14:47 GMT -5
Why does mom feel like she does not have acceptance of the family? What does she think her deficiency is? I'm not sure why exactly - she doesn't open up to begin with about her family, so attempting to figure it out from comments and observation is a little difficult. From my observations, she doesn't believe she's "good enough" or "successful enough" for them. I think she believes it is because she's not a boy, like her other 4 brothers. She's a triplet, but the only girl. There are stories (mom mentioned one at the shower) that if the boys did anything wrong, she was blamed and then punished for them misbehaving. She claims that the boys do not communicate with her. She'll ask if cards, letters and flowers she sends to her mom made it to her (in the nursing home), and she'll receive no response. When her mom went into the nursing home, the boys packed the house up and let her know that there was stuff for her (my mom) to come pick up. My parents had to borrow our truck, rent a trailer and haul the stuff home (from Illinois to Texas). My mom had no idea what was in any of the boxes until she unpacked them. She commented that the same thing is happening about the memorial now - that the boys are making all of the decisions and she has no say-so in anything. I was 13 when I found out that my mom was a triplet - from looking through old photo albums that were buried in a cabinet. There was a newspaper article announcing their birth. My mom pushed me and my brother to be "perfect". Even normal, every day kid things (running around playing tag and laughing - we were punished once for that because in her mind we disturbed an adult meeting - never mind there were 10 other kids we were playing with, all of whose parents were at the same meeting) were discouraged less we ruin that perfect image in her mind. It's a very difficult shell to crack with her..... Like I said, it caused years of animosity between me and her - she refused to open up about her struggles and I was too immature and naive to understand what she was dealing with. I understand now - and I try to give her a lot of leeway because of it. However I don't allow her to push me or my kids to be someone we're not, just to fit her mold of what she thinks we should be. Please understand that I recognize and realize that some of this is self-induced. She's been out of the state for 40 years. She moved away from them by choice. I kind of understand them not looking to her to make major decisions. But I also understand that there is something there that makes her feel this way as well. I'll expand more on the actual shower.....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 25, 2015 20:42:26 GMT -5
Nothing major happened at the shower....at least, nothing that caused me to have to set anyone straight.
I will say that my mom's side of the family is.....odd.....at least a LOT different than how my dad's family acts and what I am used to.
NO ONE mentioned the passing of grandma. The closest they came to talking about her was in relation to medical history and if they had known more about the medical history, the youngest of the four brothers might still be alive (died very early from a blood clot due to Factor 5 after surviving a mild heart attack). Nothing was mentioned about any memorial plans - I was so busy trying to help my mom, I didn't get a chance ask myself. It wasn't until after everyone left that I realized that it hadn't been brought up.
The shower started 3 hours late because of everyone flying in. That was weird too - no one knew when any of the flights landed and where the planes where landing (whether at DFW or Love Field). That was coordinated on the fly by text with pregnant cousin leading the way, with help from us (she wasn't aware there were 2 airports).
There was my cousin (who's pregnant) and her husband, but her dad did not make it (her mom has passed due to complications of diabetes - dad finally remarried, but cousin doesn't like new wife - I'm guessing this is why they didn't come). An aunt and uncle (one of the triplets) made it, along with their daughter (another cousin that I just met for the first time at the shower). Pregnant cousin's brother flew in as well. I'm guessing he's in his mid-forties, but acted like a teenager (gave his pregnant sister a "noogie" - actually had her in a head-lock, ruffling her hair for about a minute - long enough that it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable for her, she was even asking him to stop, but no one who knew them better than me said anything, so I didn't either).
There was the usual conversation about everyone's pregnancies and how everyone has similar but different experiences with theirs. But, there was no asking about each other. My mom's side of the family knew each other, and were willing to talk about themselves and family back home, but there was very little asking me or my SIL about us and how we were doing. My youngest (Monkey) came with me to the shower, they didn't ask her anything past her age and what grade she was in. They didn't ask about my other kids, except were more than happy to share about cousins back home who weren't there at the shower. It seemed very one-sided.
My mom spent most of the time in the kitchen, preparing food. No one asked her to come into the living room to visit as well, but were more than happy to accept the wine refill or food she offered. It's like she, and they, fell back into the roles of her childhood. I don't know....I guess I'm just used to my dad's siblings - they all ask questions trying to learn about you while also sharing about themselves to see if there is any common ground to form a relationship.
I don't know what to make of it all and I've had 2 days to think about it.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 25, 2015 20:55:11 GMT -5
That's an interesting baby shower. I feel bad for your mom with how she was treated. That is just horrible. Also, is what universe is it normal to give a grown woman a noogie. I hope you spend more time with your dad's family. Also, it is very weird that you didn't know your mom was a triplet until you were 13.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on May 25, 2015 21:21:08 GMT -5
On to the last bit of news.... Rowdy is no longer living at our house. Hun packed up all of his things (that he knew about - I didn't help at all, but I'm finding stuff that he missed and starting another box) and took it to Jetsam's house on Sunday morning. I did not help, I did not encourage (although I did give my opinion when Hun asked me a question), and I did not go with him. This was entirely his decision and was done the way he wanted to do it. I asked him what happened. He said that both Rowdy and Jetsam were pretty PO'd at him just dropping the stuff off. Jetsam made the comment, "So....you're just kicking your son out?" Hun responded, "I'm tired of him lying and disrespecting me and my wife." As soon as the items were unloaded (about 4 bags and 2 boxes if my count is correct), Hun left. He said he didn't want to get into an argument or fight with anyone, so he left it short, sweet and simple. Hun talked to LaLa when he got home, explained why he was doing it and that she was welcome to stay with us for as long as she wished. He called Monkey (who had taken a trip with an aunt and uncle - dropped off after the baby shower on Saturday) and explained to her what was happening. We talked to Buddy as well. Hun changed all of the locks on the house, our gates and to our shed today. He told me that he didn't sleep at all on Saturday night in anticipation of what he did on Sunday morning. He said that after it was over, it wasn't as horrible as he imagined it would be, but it still makes him upset that it came to this. I agreed with him because it makes me upset as well. This is the last thing that I truly wanted to have happen. Rowdy (and Hun with his inaction) left his dad and us no other choice though..... I reminded Hun that this isn't something that just happened overnight, but rather a build up of things over time that he had chosen to ignore, hoping the things would get better on their own. They didn't get better, but rather worse and something had to give. We also talked about how it was ironic that both Rowdy and Jetsam have been insistent that moving back in with mom is the only answer, but when Hun finally decided that it was time, they were upset about it. We both agreed they were upset because it was on his time-line rather than them "calling the shots". I had decided to "wait and see" regarding Hun and our marriage. He tends to have to think about major decisions over the course of days, sometimes weeks. I want things to work with us - there is good things that happen that just doesn't get posted because it's not notable to mention how he does my laundry or makes sure that my vehicle is always running properly and that I'm physically comfortable. He hasn't left my side since dropping his son's stuff off at his ex-wife's house. I'm starting to feel smothered! We went out to my cousin's house on Sunday after Hun was done. We went 4 wheeling in the mud and shooting (their) guns on their property. Been a while since I shot anything....Hun better be glad my aim isn't what it used to be! Me and my mud gear (I got a LOT muddier!!):
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 25, 2015 22:33:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry it came to this with Rowdy, but he has no one to blame but himself. He is 17 (I know just turned but still 17) and he better figure it out soon or else adulthood is going to get real ugly. Good luck with you and Hun. Only YOU can determine what YOU want out of all of this. I'm glad to read there are good things that aren't posted. It's easier to blow off steam when we are mad at somebody than when good things are happening. I hope LaLa and Monkey decided to stay and agree that Hun made the decision that was best for HIM. He has to face himself in the morning everyday with that decision. FWIW, I think he had made the best decision too. (Please note that I realize Buddy is your DS so I didn't want you to think I forgot him, but he's only the stepbrother to Rowdy and not a "full" brother to LaLa and Monkey). How are LaLa and Monkey handling it? PS - I'm glad to read you had a chance to blow off steam with 4-wheeling and shooting things. Nice muddy pic you have!
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