I'm Already Tired of my SIL - Venting!

[whoami]

Jun 25, 2013 11:38:24 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

2 friends = 85%?  The other .3 friend is good with her kid?

As I said, two examples.  I have other things to do today.

[thyme4change]

  Just teasing you.  

[Deleted]

Jun 25, 2013 11:34:24 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

My Mom was pretty careful to not express opinions on anyone we brought home.  She figured if she approved, it was the kiss of death and if she disapproved, it was the seal of approval. 

I think they also stayed out of my affairs to save their breath. Mom and Dad realized that they had no say in my choices after I turned 18.

[thyme4change]

My husband got in a no-win situation with his best friend.  His best friend was dating a shrew.  And the best friend just complained and complained about her.  My husband kept his trap shut.  The best friend and girl broke up, and my husband got the sad phone call.  So, my husband said "Good riddance" and then repeated back the complaints that his friend had during the relationship, and added in that he agreed that he could do better.  4 months later, they got back together and got engaged.  He and his friend have never fully repaired the relationship.  

[formerroomate99]

Jun 25, 2013 11:45:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

My husband got in a no-win situation with his best friend.  His best friend was dating a shrew.  And the best friend just complained and complained about her.  My husband kept his trap shut.  The best friend and girl broke up, and my husband got the sad phone call.  So, my husband said "Good riddance" and then repeated back the complaints that his friend had during the relationship, and added in that he agreed that he could do better.  4 months later, they got back together and got engaged.  He and his friend have never fully repaired the relationship.  

Yeah, but at least he can tell himself that he acted like a true friend and tried to keep his friend from making a bad decision. 

[formerroomate99]

Most of my friends have kids in the 20-30 age range. Most (85%) have some sort of beef with their kids choice of mate whether they are just dating or married.

Well honestly, the chances of finding the right person for you who also gets along with your parents is pretty slim.  And since nobody is really good enough for your kids and there is a natural friction that comes from adding a new adult to the family, even someone you would get along with in another situation might have a rocky start as a family member's spouse. 

[justme]

Jun 25, 2013 11:34:24 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

My Mom was pretty careful to not express opinions on anyone we brought home.  She figured if she approved, it was the kiss of death and if she disapproved, it was the seal of approval. 

My mom's like that, or at least she won't say anything bad about the person have her experience with her MIL. When my brother got engaged she tactfully asked him some questions pointed out differences that she wanted to make sure he saw. Which he did and said he was fine that she was quite different from the rest of the family and my mother never said anything bad about her. Though then when they divorced and my mom was like "yeah, I never liked that she was like X" he asked her why she didn't tell him! Which she did, she just asked him questions instead of pointing out bad things so I guess it didn't register.

I've brought less guys home than my brother has girls. Partly because I know I won't get an honest opinion from my mother and father (unless he's truly horrendous/abusive) so it's not high on my list, I'd rather the bf meet all my friends first since I get more honest responses there.

[muttleynfelix]

Hmmmm... I'm wondering what my SIL thinks of me today. Since they are visiting (thankfully this time staying with MIL).  I was a little peeved about the whole visiting things since I specifically told her several times we were going to be out of town June 20-23 and their plans ended up with them coming into town on the 22nd!  Then they were late for supper last night. Sigh. Oh yeah and she is apparently under the impression that my DH was the golden child since he is the youngest....uh huh.  Nevermind he was the one still living at home when their dad died. Oh well, they are leaving tomorrow and we probably won't see them for 2 years. My son also ran around naked after using the potty while my SIL was over. Nice. Who knows what she is saying about that.  

Kara - Sometimes you have to vent and sometimes seemingly innocuous things become a source of major frustration.  Sometimes, you do the best you can to get along with those around you.

BTW - I love my brother's wife. But she was 16 when she started dating my brother and I was 13. So she's been involved in every major milestone in my life since then. We've been on trips together while they were dating and we've had to share a bed. So there is a lot of things that we've done more like sisters than SIL.

[Angel!]

Jun 25, 2013 11:34:24 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

My Mom was pretty careful to not express opinions on anyone we brought home.  She figured if she approved, it was the kiss of death and if she disapproved, it was the seal of approval. 

My parents were like that as well.  I found it a huge surprise later when I found out my Mom had hated one of my BF's & my Dad hated the guy I was engaged to marry.

What I found so funny is my mom didn't like the BF because he claimed to like dogs & then did this really awkward head pat to our dog.  It was obvious that even if he did like dogs he was not used to being around them & didn't know how to interact with one.  She figured this made him dishonest & not trustworthy.

[Deleted]

The saying in my Mom's family is "If you can live with him I can look at him". Then every time you try to complain about them the response is "You chose him, you have no one to blame but yourself". It is amazing how effective those critiques are. Nobody is forbidden to see anyone but it is well known folks think he's an idiot.

[muttleynfelix]

Jun 25, 2013 12:07:06 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Most of my friends have kids in the 20-30 age range. Most (85%) have some sort of beef with their kids choice of mate whether they are just dating or married.

Well honestly, the chances of finding the right person for you who also gets along with your parents is pretty slim.  And since nobody is really good enough for your kids and there is a natural friction that comes from adding a new adult to the family, even someone you would get along with in another situation might have a rocky start as a family member's spouse. 

I disagree.  I asked my dad once why he gets along with my mom's mom because frankly she was pissing me off. My dad and I had just had dinner with my mom's parent's while my mom was out of town for something.  My dad goes "well she is family and we do the best we can to get along with family".  My parents have taken that attitude when each of their children have gotten married and their parent's had that attitude as well (in general, my mom's mom is a bit of an opinionated PITA, but she could be worse).  My DH was welcomed into my family with open arms. No one ever bad mouthed him to me - although I'm sure many thought when I started dating him that I "could do better". But once they saw us together, they realized that he was the one for me. And in my family, it really is THE ONE.  DHs family also welcomed me with open arms. They loved me on site and were thrilled that their brother finally found someone. Even SIL who's own marriage was crumbling. 

In our family, you are more than likely going to be around the in-laws for 40+ years, so you might as well do the best you can to get along with them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Now I wonder what my SILs think of me.  I am closer in age to their kids than I am to them.  We have almost zilch in common though I do try to fit in.

DH is 10 years younger than all of them so there is an age gap on his end too.

They think I'm great for DH, to my face, but now I wonder what they're saying behind my back.
 
Probably nothing but threads like this one always make me wonder since often people say online what they'd never dream of saying to someone's face.

[Deleted]

Apparently my mom is having a hard time with my sister's wedding announcement. She called my wife last night and talked with her about it for a long time and was almost crying at times. I feel badly for my sister. You can tell my mom isn't excited about it and I imagine that has to hurt, especially with how excited and involved she was in my wedding.

[Deleted]

She is marrying her GF.

[Deleted]

Jun 25, 2013 12:42:26 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

She is marrying her GF.

Yeah.  She doesn't know how to tell her friends and the rest of the family, even though most of them know someone who is gay. 

[Angel!]

Jun 25, 2013 12:47:22 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jun 25, 2013 12:42:26 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

She is marrying her GF.

Yeah.  She doesn't know how to tell her friends and the rest of the family, even though most of them know someone who is gay. 

Aww, your poor sister.  It has to be hard when your own mother isn't very supportive.  I hope you are acting excited for her.

[Peace Of Mind]

My mom had the worst taste in men EVER so her ever giving me advice or her opinions was pretty laughable.   I had never wanted to marry so she was pretty shocked when out of the blue I called her to announce I was getting married. She didn't want me marrying DH1 because of what he did for a living (District Manager for fast food chain and was made VP after we married).  Imagine her surprise when his house and company car, etc. were nicer than what she had and he made double what her Commander made.  She fell in love with him after she got to know him.  He was a lot of fun and loved to dance.  After I left him (didn't love him any more) she hit on him!  

When I hooked up to DH2 she was freaking out that he was nowhere near as successful as DH1 (notice the irony) and us dating wouldn't last 6 months.  That I needed to go back to DH1 (who was asking her to help him get me back).  She'd known DH2 since he was a little kid since he was my younger brothers' BF.  After a couple of years together she adored him and loved him more than me.     He kept getting promoted and is in Engineering.   She finally admitted that I must have great taste in men because I saw what NOT to do by watching her.  I kept telling her that I didn't chose my men based on her decisions or opinions or choices in any way or form that I was picking them based on how I felt about them.  She was always such a narcissist and so shallow! 

She made my brother's lives a living hell with their choices but they were pretty bad.  LOL!!

ETA:  Archie - I feel so bad for your sister!  I hope you and your wife are able to make her feel better to make up for your mom's lack of excitement.  Some people just can't handle things that are not their idea of tradition.  I hope she changes soon and gets more excited for your sister and her new wife.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Seriously, DB needs to be sticking up for his wife to his family.":::...

I am extremely qualified to say that this is not always possible.  I love DW and do defend her.  But there are also some things that I just can't in good conscience, defend.  That of course just pushes her farther away and makes her feel more justified.

...:::"My guess is SIL knows that DB family is important to him, but wants to make it work, but sooner or later she is just going to give up.":::...

I believe selfish people are always fully aware of the preferences and wishes of others.  They simply believe their own wants take priority, and are seldom willing to elevate anothers wishes without adequate compensation.

...:::"Although it will just piss the family off more - as they will feel they are being cut out of the baby's life, it may bring some peace to the brother and SIL, as they won't have to hear about anyone's petty complaints about them.":::...

Again, it depends on what allowing the family over gets the SIL.  A selfish person is always big enough to set aside differences long enough to accept a dinner, or babysitting, or monetary gifts.

...:::"3. SIL has gone so far as to tell me that she wants my mom to have nothing to do with the baby once its here because SIL doesn't believe my mom knows how to take care of children. But yet, she's fine dictating to my mom when my mom is supposed to host the shower.":::...

Hahah, I hadn't read this before I posted, but looks like I nailed it.  "You aren't fit to raise children, but I want to use your house to host a celebration for me where your relatives shower me with gifts." 

[grumpyhermit]

SIL has gone so far as to tell me that she wants my mom to have nothing to do with the baby once its here because SIL doesn't believe my mom knows how to take care of children. But yet, she's fine dictating to my mom when my mom is supposed to host the shower.

This statement tells me just about everything I would ever need to know. It is one thing to think that, or even to share that with your spouse.

I can't fathom how or why the SIL thought it was appropriate to say that the OP about her own mother. It is rude, and puts the OP in a rather awkward position. If my SIL said something like that about my mother it would make me very uncomfortable.

[grumpyhermit]

For me it's one of those hard to quantify things, but there IS a difference.

I say things to my brother, and he to me, about our mother that I would not welcome hearing from my SIL. Partly because she doesn't have the same history or relationship with our mother that we do. Much like others are advocating a listen but don't contribute policy when a friend or sibling is bitching about their spouse I kind of feel that way about a parent.

[Angel!]

Jun 25, 2013 13:01:15 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Jun 25, 2013 12:57:27 GMT -5 grumpyhermit said:

This statement tells me just about everything I would ever need to know. It is one thing to think that, or even to share that with your spouse.

I can't fathom how or why the SIL thought it was appropriate to say that the OP about her own mother. It is rude, and puts the OP in a rather awkward position. If my SIL said something like that about my mother it would make me very uncomfortable.

I'm thinking that this is based on what OP and her brother have said about the mom.  If the kids are talking negatively about the mom's child skills, why wouldn't the sil feel this way?  and feel free to express it to those who clued her in?

True, but it is pretty common knowledge that family gets a little more leeway in complaining.  You know "I can talk shit about my brother, but you better not talk shit about my brother because that is my family" type thing.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've gotten mad/annoyed at DH for saying things about my brother even though I've said similar things.

I can't explain why I feel that way.  There is no logical reason for it. I just automatically rise to the defense when anyone but myself or my parents say certain things about my brother.

[gooddecisions]

I don't know if my husband's family says nasty things about us behind our backs. I feel like we all get along well, but my MIL does say some pretty ugly things about her adult kids (husband's siblings) behind their backs pretty much every time I see her. I've had to flat out tell her not to talk to me about her daughter's weight (and not to talk to her about it either- she has a mirror and doesn't need to be told she's overweight), son's problems with drug addiction, other son's financial problems and other son not wanting to see them ever.

She doesn't share information in a loving manner- it always has a negative gossipy spin on it and it's not sharing to help. As a result, I'm careful about what I share with her and ask my husband to keep any issues between us. She admitted that she hates when family sends her end of the year summary letters/poems because she think they're fake and she wants to know the dirt. I like her just fine, but wished she knew how to share positive information about people instead of just blabbing about the "dirt".

Anyway, we really only see my parents 2x/year, his parents 6x/year, siblings (mine and his) 1-2x/year and have a pretty peaceful existence. Guess who I see everyday and would rather be happy with? I've dodged some real piece of work MILs in my past, so I know how good I have it.

[gooddecisions]

I can hit a nerve if I complain to my husband about his family, usually not though. It does not bother me in the least if he complains about my family. This might have been something that bothered me at 20, but does not at 35. And, I can usually empathize with whatever his complaints are because they likely bug me too. If his sister came to me and complained about their mother, I would have to tread very carefully. And, I would never feel comfortable saying something negative to her about her mother even if it was just to nod in agreement. But, I guess this SIL feels very comfortable with the OP and maybe that's worth something.

[Deleted]

It must be hard to come into a family of 50+ people who sound like they are pretty tight.  Your SIL may be trying to create some boundaries and personal space for their new family. If she's in a high risk pregnancy it's probably a better idea to do the shower quickly.  I've known lots of people who never got to have a baby shower because they were in the hospital way before then.

I think you can be far apart politically but still share the same values.  DH and I joke that we cancel out each other's votes on most issues.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.  I'm pretty lucky in my in-laws. 

[formerroomate99]

True, but it is pretty common knowledge that family gets a little more leeway in complaining. You know "I can talk shit about my brother, but you better not talk shit about my brother because that is my family" type thing.

Yeah, but she's new to the family, new to the whole inlaw thing, and since she's never done anything with her life, it is likely that she just doesn't know that much about how the real world works.  Now if KB repeatedly told her to knock it off and she kept up with the comments, I think KB would have something to complain about. 

[thyme4change]

I think half the people in my family like my husband better than me.  I told him that if we got divorced, I call dips on my blood relatives.  He said that everyone was old enough to make their own decisions.  

[happyscooter]

That's funny thyme.  My parents always said if we kids got a divorce, they kept the inlaws.

DS #1 dated a girl for 3 years, engaged for 2 months.  She broke the engagement (of course she waited until the 30 days had passed and he couldn't get the money back for the ring) one night.  DS came over to tell DH and me.  There was a possibility of them getting back together (she was going to talk to her parents the same night).  When DS left, hubby says to me 'if they get back together she will never be welcome here'.  DH can be a drama queen but this night he was serious, no drama.  I looked at him and said 'if they get back together, he will choose her and I will not lose my son'.  And I meant it.  Because I know what it was like to not be welcomed at your inlaws home.  No support.  If there had been a reason it would have been different. 

So I love my DILs, respect them, compliment them, take their side on anything and watch my comments.  But honestly, they love my sons.  And for that, I love the wives.

[justme]

Sooo...did he get back with her or find someone else?

[happyscooter]

No, she started dating someone else very soon after and then married him a year later.  DS didn't date for almost a year, then he went out with a girl that was a friend.  He started dating someone almost 2 years after the breakup, got serious and they are married and expecting their first child.  I wish the first girl the best, at least she did break it off before they got into the wedding planning stages (had bought a few things but took them back) and before they got married, bought a house, and had children.  I sent her parents a card for something later, I got an email telling me how sorry they were.  But they were adults and had to make their own decisions.