Pants
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Post by Pants on Jun 22, 2013 11:23:52 GMT -5
It wasn't thinly veiled. Also, I have no idea why you are getting so upset about something that has nothing to do with you.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 22, 2013 12:45:49 GMT -5
Does that mean that when he needs a little support, his sister is going to act no better than his wife? He's already got one antagonistic woman in his life.
Hardly! I know it really hard to know family dynamics on a message board, so let me assure all of you that I'm not easily offended by anything you may post (I've been around the board for many, many years back on the old YM). I lurk more than post, but I've been around, so I know what I'm getting into on here.
On my end - I'm there for family when they need me, I can provide support (in whatever capacity that means), and I also know about it. I can't be there for them if I don't know they're struggling with something. That includes my DB and SIL. Last weekend, I received a call from DB that they (both him and SIL) were broken down on the side of the road and they needed help.
I was the closest to help with a vehicle that could tow, but my dad was also on the way (him an hour away, me at least 45 minutes because I had groceries in my vehicle that had to be dropped off first). Worked out where my Dad came to my house (perfect timing) and off we went to get them in west Dallas - they were on the way to her aunt's house in Mesquite. When we got there, she was gone because aunt picked her up, so she wouldn't have to sit in the heat while being 5 months pregnant. Towed DB and her vehicle home so he could get his vehicle to go back to Mesquite to pick her up.
I'm not mad at her for not being there, I do understand; but it just struck me weird that it was "too hot" for her to sit there in the shade, when her wedding a year ago was 10 degrees hotter and she expected others to sit there and deal with it. It's inconsistencies like this that gets to me - she expects others to take care of her and her whims.
We ended up laughing with DB about being broken down, but I'll also comment that this was the only time in the last year that I was actually able to talk with him without SIL being glued to his side. Talking didn't last long though because off he had to go to go get his wife.
I know he's a participant in all of this - it just irritates me because I can't even have a phone conversation with him without her sitting in the background adding her 2 cents.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jun 22, 2013 14:12:15 GMT -5
I think you shrug, roll your eyes, and try not to think too hard about it. Keep in mind that pregnancy can do weird things to moods too...I was extremely paranoid about privacy for pretty much the whole time, and also had several extended incidences of super-PMS.
I'm not saying I don't understand why you're frustrated. It drives me insane when people insist on being illogical and purposely taking offense when none was meant. I just don't think there's much you can do about it except disengage (and come vent on a message board).
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 23, 2013 12:48:09 GMT -5
thyme is right, a mother isn't supposed to give a shower. no matter how much things have changed, that hasn't. . Why? Who makes these rules and who cares? I basically threw my own baby shower. Is that worse than letting my mom do it? I don't know who makes the rules - maybe Emily Post? I think it is old fashion, given that I knew at least a dozen people who had showers given by their mother, even very proper, wealthy, old-school women gave showers to their daughter. I'll admit it hurt a little that my mother didn't give me one, but whatever. Many of my friends had never the rule, so they were very surprised that my mother didn't throw me one. I didn't tell them proper etiquette because I didn't want to call their mother tacky or class-less or whatever.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 23, 2013 13:13:18 GMT -5
What's the etiquette rule on the shower honoree expecting her MIL to host, on the weekend the honoree requests/demands?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 23, 2013 13:28:25 GMT -5
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 23, 2013 13:31:13 GMT -5
LOL! We have the same brother! My 1/2 brother cannot be alone for one second. I swear these women he finds go with him to the bathroom. There is never a private conversation and you can hear them talking the entire time when he is on the phone so you have two yammering fools on the other end of the phone. His end - not mine. Kara - have you killed her yet? If not. You are doing good.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 23, 2013 13:35:06 GMT -5
...:::"I know he's a participant in all of this - it just irritates me because I can't even have a phone conversation with him without her sitting in the background adding her 2 cents.":::...
Probably because if he DID try to have a private conversation; he'd then have to spend the next 20 minutes getting interrogated.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 23, 2013 19:54:46 GMT -5
You know I kind of feel sorry for SIL and DB here. Sounds like you and your family don't like her, and think your brother could do better/differnt then her. Sounds like you all have made that known pretty early on on the relationship, at least to DB. That is it is pretty easy to blame her for what ever the relationship issues are between her and the family, she doesn't like X like we do. She has a differnt definition of casual then we do, she is liberal we are not. You don't need to change her, you don't need to make her like the rest of your family by warning her of something, or trying to guide her into the choice that would be family approved. You have a choice accept who she is, or don't. But please tell me that besides that one ill conceived conversation where you warned your brother he might not want to get serious about her, you have held back any other negative critiques of her to him. If not do you wonder why she might not want you to talk to him alone.
To be honest I'm not sure why she keeps trying with your family. Although I'm assuming the people going camping and your DB are not close family, because honestly if I had to choose between a single once in a life time event for a family member, or what seems to be a multiple times a year event I would choose the one in the life time. So stop blowing smoke at her and saying it is the camping trip, when really it is the fact that they don't like her, it most likely won't be their type of party, and really they wouldn't want to go even if there wasn't a camping trip.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 23, 2013 20:06:39 GMT -5
...:::"I know he's a participant in all of this - it just irritates me because I can't even have a phone conversation with him without her sitting in the background adding her 2 cents.":::... Probably because if he DID try to have a private conversation; he'd then have to spend the next 20 minutes getting interrogated. Kind of sounds like a scary codependent relationship either way though. There are couples that do go to the bathroom together or stand just outside the door. I guess once you get them in your life you have to stay glued to their side so they can't escape or leave without you knowing. As an added bonus the creep factor probably scares off any person who might want to hit on your other half.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 23, 2013 20:23:30 GMT -5
Yeah... even if your family wasn't a bunch of rednecks, "guys" and "pool party" don't exactly mix. "Guys" and "Baby Shower" don't exactly mix either. I don't think I know of one who'd want to attend a baby shower. Not even the daddy to be.
A Baby Shower is usually thrown by a relative or friend of the mom-to-be. The mom-to-be should not be involved in the planning or be dictating how the party (for her by the way) is being handled and on what day. Since your family already has a camping trip booked for that weekend, they should go ahead with their plans. You might want to wash your hands of this whole shower thing and go with them. That's what I would seriously be considering doing.
Let her and her mom deal with the menial details. Sounds like she wants her cupcakes and eat them too - and just the loot she's going to receive. Who cares about anyone else's schedule.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 23, 2013 20:48:46 GMT -5
...:::"When we got there, she was gone because aunt picked her up, so she wouldn't have to sit in the heat while being 5 months pregnant. Towed DB and her vehicle home so he could get his vehicle to go back to Mesquite to pick her up.
I'm not mad at her for not being there, I do understand; but it just struck me weird that it was "too hot" for her to sit there in the shade, when her wedding a year ago was 10 degrees hotter and she expected others to sit there and deal with it. It's inconsistencies like this that gets to me - she expects others to take care of her and her whims.":::...
I'm totally the type of guy that would tell DW to go ahead and get a ride if she was really uncomfortable in the heat. Though its worth mentioning that such kindnesses bring less and less joy the more they become "expected".
The pregnancy of course is a contributing factor here. Medical facts of whether or not sitting in heat is bad for the baby aside, I'm sure her tolerance for heat has taken a tumble. Although your brother should get used to hearing "I'm pregnant" as a blanket justification for everything ... though why she even needs to say it I know not, because obviously he'll already do what she wants.
Its interesting to hear the point of view of the loved one of the husband. Although little of what you are saying is surprising. DW has a lot of things she is downright difficult on, and I'm not sure she realizes how selfish, immature, entitled, unreasonable, spoiled, manipulative, unfriendly, superior, inflexible, disdainful, holier-than-thou, disrespectful, controlling, picky, unloving, apathetic, depressing, and just downright mean they make her come across as.
But in their brains, they are totally reasonable and its everyone else who already decided not to welcome them. Oh and people like her are NEVER selfish in their own minds.
As to guys and pool parties... depends on the hotness of the non-blood relative female attendees.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 23, 2013 20:51:40 GMT -5
...:::"Kind of sounds like a scary codependent relationship either way though.":::...
I think with this, its more that the wife already knows the family thinks very little of her. Of course it can't have anything to do with her behavior or attitudes, because she has been nothing but kind (pfft!). No, its because they are mean.
So for some reason, she wants confirmation of this, so she'll start asking trick questions. You know, ones where no matter what answer he gives, she has a negative interpretation.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 24, 2013 9:03:17 GMT -5
None of these examples sound at all annoying to me. I actually feel really sorry for the SIL, but then I don't know whatever full background story people keep hinting at. When you grow up and get married, your former immediate family (brothers, sisters, parents) become your extended family. And your spouse and children are your immediate family. Yes, friends and extended family can still be a big part of your life, but it's your immediate family's needs and emotional well-being that comes first. Time to let go oc your brother a bit and be supportive of his choices. For better or for worse, it's his life and your meddling and conspiring with others on his wife's behavior will only cause problems. Limit your time together if she bothers you so much.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 24, 2013 10:17:59 GMT -5
Guys and pool parties don't mix? Since when. I better call everyone and tell them Saturday night is cancelled, even though when we had 60 people over in May, they all asked to come over in June. I always thought guys swam. I wonder who all those people in my pool were. hmmmm....
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 24, 2013 10:20:52 GMT -5
I'm totally the type of guy that would tell DW to go ahead and get a ride if she was really uncomfortable in the heat. Though its worth mentioning that such kindnesses bring less and less joy the more they become "expected".The pregnancy of course is a contributing factor here. Medical facts of whether or not sitting in heat is bad for the baby aside, I'm sure her tolerance for heat has taken a tumble. . I kind of agree with this. I am not sure it is fair to compare sitting outside during a wedding when not pregnant to sitting outside in a broke down car while pregnant. Why is there an expectation that she should have to sit outside in the car when DB was there? It doesn't take 2 to sit out in a car & wait for a ride & it really could have been unhealthy for her if she hadn't been feeling well. Overheating or getting dehydrated are really bad for the baby.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 24, 2013 10:25:09 GMT -5
I'm totally the type of guy that would tell DW to go ahead and get a ride if she was really uncomfortable in the heat. Though its worth mentioning that such kindnesses bring less and less joy the more they become "expected".The pregnancy of course is a contributing factor here. Medical facts of whether or not sitting in heat is bad for the baby aside, I'm sure her tolerance for heat has taken a tumble. . I kind of agree with this. I am not sure it is fair to compare sitting outside during a wedding when not pregnant to sitting outside in a broke down car while pregnant. Why is there an expectation that she should have to sit outside in the car when DB was there? It doesn't take 2 to sit out in a car & wait for a ride & it really could have been unhealthy for her if she hadn't been feeling well. Overheating or getting dehydrated are really bad for the baby. It's ok for her to expect older & elderly relatives to sit in the outside heat for a wedding and then also be in it for the reception though?
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 24, 2013 10:32:17 GMT -5
Who said she expected it? Maybe that was assumed. If I were a man and I was taking my pregnant wife out to see her aunt when my car broke down, I would most definitely see about the aunt coming to pick her up and continue their plans...even if she wasn't pregnant. I would be perfectly comfortable waiting alone for my sister to come tow me. That's what you do for people you love.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 24, 2013 10:39:15 GMT -5
I kind of agree with this. I am not sure it is fair to compare sitting outside during a wedding when not pregnant to sitting outside in a broke down car while pregnant. Why is there an expectation that she should have to sit outside in the car when DB was there? It doesn't take 2 to sit out in a car & wait for a ride & it really could have been unhealthy for her if she hadn't been feeling well. Overheating or getting dehydrated are really bad for the baby. It's ok for her to expect older & elderly relatives to sit in the outside heat for a wedding and then also be in it for the reception though? I assumed the reception was inside, although I could be wrong. But, do you really not see a difference between going to a planned outdoors event that you can plan appropriately to attend & getting stuck unplanned in a broken down car for an hour? Also, unless she sucked at planning the wedding, I imagine that refreshments were offered, restrooms were available, fans were set up if necessary, & there was somewhere indoors where people could cool off. All things not available in a broke down car. Add in being pregnant & the fact that it really does not take 2 people to wait for a ride. Plus if DB was any sort of worthy husband, then he should have insisted that she get out of the heat. I can't imagine what kind of crappy husband wouldn't tell her to call for a ride, but expect that his pregnant wife wait for no reason with him.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 24, 2013 10:46:01 GMT -5
Guys and pool parties don't mix? Since when. I better call everyone and tell them Saturday night is cancelled, even though when we had 60 people over in May, they all asked to come over in June. I always thought guys swam. I wonder who all those people in my pool were. hmmmm.... I"ll volunteer to do a penis check for you.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 24, 2013 10:46:54 GMT -5
I'm totally the type of guy that would tell DW to go ahead and get a ride if she was really uncomfortable in the heat. Though its worth mentioning that such kindnesses bring less and less joy the more they become "expected".The pregnancy of course is a contributing factor here. Medical facts of whether or not sitting in heat is bad for the baby aside, I'm sure her tolerance for heat has taken a tumble. . I kind of agree with this. I am not sure it is fair to compare sitting outside during a wedding when not pregnant to sitting outside in a broke down car while pregnant. Why is there an expectation that she should have to sit outside in the car when DB was there? It doesn't take 2 to sit out in a car & wait for a ride & it really could have been unhealthy for her if she hadn't been feeling well. Overheating or getting dehydrated are really bad for the baby. I'm not feeling any love for SIL, but when I was pregnant I could not deal with the heat. I would have left too.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 24, 2013 10:52:48 GMT -5
Guys and pool parties don't mix? Since when. I better call everyone and tell them Saturday night is cancelled, even though when we had 60 people over in May, they all asked to come over in June. I always thought guys swam. I wonder who all those people in my pool were. hmmmm.... I"ll volunteer to do a penis check for you. That would certainly make my parties the talk of the neighborhood.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 24, 2013 10:57:10 GMT -5
You know, reading this thread makes me wonder if this is the kind of thing my husband's sister was saying about me to her parents, etc.
Bc "I" am the SIL whose husband's sister can't stand her. From day one.
And I KNOW that my IL's didn't like me. My MIL told my DH on the day of our engagement that he should be careful in marrying me bc I won't be a supportive wife to him. That was the second time she met me.
Anywhoooo, very interesting read
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 24, 2013 11:13:38 GMT -5
It's ok for her to expect older & elderly relatives to sit in the outside heat for a wedding and then also be in it for the reception though? I assumed the reception was inside, although I could be wrong. But, do you really not see a difference between going to a planned outdoors event that you can plan appropriately to attend & getting stuck unplanned in a broken down car for an hour? Also, unless she sucked at planning the wedding, I imagine that refreshments were offered, restrooms were available, fans were set up if necessary, & there was somewhere indoors where people could cool off. All things not available in a broke down car. Add in being pregnant & the fact that it really does not take 2 people to wait for a ride. Plus if DB was any sort of worthy husband, then he should have insisted that she get out of the heat. I can't imagine what kind of crappy husband wouldn't tell her to call for a ride, but expect that his pregnant wife wait for no reason with him. I've been pregnant in the kind of heat she's in. A less than an hour wait wouldn't have killed me, even early on when I was puking a lot. I just don't see why she gets a special exception on the heat when she wasn't going to give anyone one for her wedding. I can get past that though. This isn't her worst of the "I'm so special" behavior. If there are 50 people expected at the shower then at least that many were expected at a wedding held at your average house. Not set up to handle that kind of crowd and the AC would never keep up with people coming in and out all the time. Fans blowing hot air aren't all that helpful.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 24, 2013 11:13:41 GMT -5
Well, Lena - according to this board, you brought it on yourself. You did everything wrong. And everyone else in the family did everything perfect. And there is absolutely no room for the other side of the story. Clearly, she (and you) are outrageous bitches.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 24, 2013 11:37:33 GMT -5
I've been pregnant in the kind of heat she's in. Me too and my H being a gentleman that he was would have insisted I get a ride to get out of the heat. I had a douchie-ass husband & even he would have been thoughtful enough to send me on my way if I was pregnant. He would have been worried about me & not wanted me to wait in the heat. And while I am sure I could withstand the heat, why would I choose to do so? What would I be trying to prove to anyone by staying out in the heat when I have other options? I am with swamp - I would have felt like shit & I would have taken the opportunity to leave. I really don't see how this how ANYTHING to do with her wedding. Everytime she chooses to step in to get out of the heat is the comparison to the wedding to be made? "We had to sit outside for 15 minutes for a ceremony, but little princess decided to go sit inside for a bit during our barbeque" I am sure there are plenty of things to hate about her, but this seriously is grasping at straws. This is the kind of reason people come up with when they already hate someone & therefore everything they do going forward will be wrong.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 24, 2013 11:46:18 GMT -5
I am sure there are plenty of things to hate about her, but this seriously is grasping at straws. This is the kind of reason people come up with when they already hate someone & therefore everything they do going forward will be wrong.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 24, 2013 11:54:52 GMT -5
You know, reading this thread makes me wonder if this is the kind of thing my husband's wife was saying about me to her parents, etc. Bc "I" am the SIL whose husband's sister can't stand her. From day one. And I KNOW that my IL's didn't like me. My MIL told my DH on the day of our engagement that he should be careful in marrying me bc I won't be a supportive wife to him. That was the second time she met me. Anywhoooo, very interesting read I'm hoping the bolded was a typo. Otherwise I guess the first legit wive can get all upset about the next ones.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 24, 2013 15:57:49 GMT -5
...:::"How is it a "kindness" to "allow" a grown ass person to get a ride somewhere from someone else?":::...
It seems most of us agree that the kindness is a good husband saying "we don't BOTH have to be here, so you get a ride and I'll wait with the car". Its not going to be fun to wait in the heat in a broken car. But its just part of being a good man, I guess.
I also say its not fair to compare that to the wedding. At least at a wedding there are refreshments, and company. I liked the point about how the wedding would be something else that people who already don't like her will just throw on the pile. I had overlooked the "I'm done making concessions" comment at first. IMO, it proves what I said before about how the SIL does not think she is doing anything wrong.
If I were to guess what she is thinking its that she has already gone above and beyond inviting family that doesn't like her to share in her special baby shower for her first child, and trying so hard to fit in and these people are all so closed minded and set in their ways.
All she wants is to do it on a weekend that her mother is there, and they won't change their stupid camping trip (which by the way, is yet another thing SIL tried to blend in with, and nobody would respect the fact that she was on a diet) which they can do any weekend! No, this family is trying to dictate to her how things should be because they are just so controlling and inflexible, and they never liked her from the beginning. So why try to please them when its impossible anyway?
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 24, 2013 17:24:53 GMT -5
Lets not forget that she is also a high risk pregnancy, the heat and stress can't be good for that. You know I'm also wondering if part of the reason she wanted the baby shower sooner, is that with the no work restriction at 24 weeks, that she may be looking at possible bed rest coming up and would like to have the baby shower before that. Sorry they are plenty of ways to dress casual and cool for an outside wedding that isn't shorts and a tea-shirt. I have seen people do it at DH's church plenty and it doesn't have A.C either. A nice summer dress for the women, a pair of Khakis and a button shirt for the guys. And she did give people an exception for the wedding with saying it was okay to change. Something like There are some ideas of what I think of when I hear wedding casual outside. No one is saying that people need to come in full 3 piece wool suites.
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