KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 20, 2013 20:09:56 GMT -5
Okay - this is a thread about family dynamics and trying to stay out of the middle of things. I seem to keep getting drawn back into the drama anyway because of the dynamics. I'm trying to stay neutral, but MAN! is it hard! My brother married his wife a little over a year ago (beginning of June 2012) and multiple people in my family (including me) cautioned him that he was marrying his mother (who is challenging to say the least). The wedding was stressful trying to deal with both my mom and my new SIL both insisting things happen THEIR way. SIL is now living up to our warnings - because lets face it, she acts just like my mom and we could see it coming. First, she couldn't work because she was in school full time and working and going to school was just too stressful for her. Then, she said when she hit a certain number of credits, she said she was going to join the police academy. She hit those credits last November and then came up with all sorts of reasons why she couldn't apply to the academy (the questions on the application were too hard). At that point, she was desperate, DESPERATE! I tell you! to become pregnant because her biological clock was ticking and it was pointless to join the academy if she's just going to get pregnant anyway. At some point towards the beginning of this year, she got a job at my work valeting cars. Apparently, she was hired on the spot because she showed up on time and knew how to drive a standard. So she took the job making minimum wage and complained constantly about how she made nothing in tips and the management were all idiots. She also commented that this was her first full-time job she's ever had in her life - she's 32! She's now pregnant - around 21 weeks along. She was very happy when her doctor declared her pregnancy high risk and that she shouldn't work past 24 weeks. SIL told me around week 8 that she might not make it that long working - she might quit before. She just quit the valet job last week because of all of the idiots she was dealing with and it just wasn't worth risking the life of her child for. And oh....by the way....it was just getting too hot for her standing outside all the time. Okay - now for the drama part (ha!).... She's insisting that her shower be held on July 20th (she'll be around 6 months pregnant), when her mom's in town. No, she can't have multiple showers, everyone has to be there on that date and that date only. She wants her family and our family to blend and become one (about 5 on her side that's here in the state, compared to over 50 on our side that's here in the area - not including friends), so it HAS to be a joint shower and it can ONLY happen when her mom's in town. Don't get me wrong - I totally get her wanting her mom to be there for the shower. However, if I'm understanding everything properly - she's not going to be here for the birth. Her mom doesn't have a house/home - she travels year round, living with one sister or another depending on the season. And - I just found out that a large part of my family planned a group camping trip the same weekend - July 20th. The only reason I found this out was because I called to get addresses for the invitations and was informed of the trip when they asked when the shower was being held. When I tried to let SIL know that a large group wouldn't be there, she was upset that they planned the trip on HER weekend without talking with everyone first and they'll just be out of luck attending. She refuses to look at another weekend because in her mind, they planned it this way on purpose. So much for wanting to blend the families. I'm just tired of the drama already and the baby isn't even here yet.....
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 20, 2013 20:14:51 GMT -5
Did she really expect 55 people to attend the shower?
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jun 20, 2013 20:17:10 GMT -5
*pours wine* You need a big glass, stat! I totally feel you with the petty drama and "me me me" thinking. I am getting married in three months (exactly! eep!) and I am ready to just give up because of all of my (sister and Mom) family drama. The bullshit never ends!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 20, 2013 20:18:46 GMT -5
Ugh. Maybe your SIL really does need to see that a group of people can't and don't attend, in order for her to be a tad more reasonable. I don't care who you are, not everyone is going to be able to do what you want, all on the same day! Go ahead and scream a few times KaraBoo. I think I would! Good luck!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 20, 2013 20:35:58 GMT -5
What really sucks for me is the group thought me/my family knew about the camping trip and they were all expecting us to be there as well. They didn't realize that we missed the information somehow. So, now *I'm* missing out on the trip as well because both my mom and SIL expect me to be at the shower (which I should be - no question, but I'm still bummed). SIL has already made it perfectly clear that she doesn't like to go camping, but expects to be invited anyway. She might attend if it fits into her schedule - but don't plan a trip unless it works with her schedule - otherwise we planned it on purpose to exclude her. She was part of the last camping trip planning party and the weekend that worked for the majority of the people there happened to be her 1st anniversary weekend and she refused to go camping for her anniversary. So she got her nose out of joint because, again, we were purposely excluding them. I don't think she expects 55 people to attend, but she is thinking that it will be this grand party. She's wanting it to be co-ed, so her DH can be there (to help her carry the loot home, we're thinking). The guys can just stay outside (in July in Texas) while the women ooh and aah over the baby stuff. Afterwards, we'll cook out and party. There is a swimming pool available, but when the guys in my family are told the plan - all of them have commented "she wants us to be at the shower? Why?" Congrats on the wedding plans Meghan! Definitely need more wine to go around!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 20, 2013 20:51:02 GMT -5
Is anyone ever honest about how they feel? No one likes to hear things that aren't nice, but said kindly, I would appreciate a heads-up. This shower doesn't sound like it's going to be the most fun a person has ever had. Although on occasion, they really are! At least your mom will be there... I think!
Congrats Meghan! I hope it's everything you ever dreamed of!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 20, 2013 20:58:17 GMT -5
KaraBoo-go camping wth the rest of the family. Or move the shower to the camgroud.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jun 20, 2013 21:02:17 GMT -5
Is anyone ever honest about how they feel? No one likes to hear things that aren't nice, but said kindly, I would appreciate a heads-up. This shower doesn't sound like it's going to be the most fun a person has ever had. Although on occasion, they really are! At least your mom will be there... I think! Congrats Meghan! I hope it's everything you ever dreamed of! Lol, I never dreamed of getting married or having a wedding, so it's everything I never thought of! Kara, there's no "winning" this situation, family just sucks sometimes, and I know all about sucky family right now. I guess since I'm looking forward to the day after my wedding, I will tell you to look forward to the day after the shower! Christ, I'm being really pessimistic right now. How far is the shower location vs. camping trip? Can you make a beeline for a night of family camping fun the second the shower is over?
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 20, 2013 21:02:36 GMT -5
Karaboo, she sounds like a total "princess". "My way or the highway." I'd try to stay out of the line of fire as much as possible. I've got one like this in my extended family too. (Fun, aren't they? After all, the world revolves around THEM.)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2013 21:10:54 GMT -5
If your mom acts like your SIL then I feel sorry for your brother - it must be awesome for him when they clash. The great thing about people who are easily and randomly offended is that eventually you stop trying to please them because nothing you do is going to be right anyway. Is her mom only going to be in town that one weekend? Co-ed baby showers can be fun when they are a big bbq and people are just hanging out. If your SIL expects 55 people, half of whom are men, to sit around in a circle while she opens each present then I'd skip it too. I wonder when my SIL is having her baby shower . . . Elope?
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 20, 2013 21:21:08 GMT -5
I tried to give her a heads up that several groups of family wouldn't be there and was there any way to move the shower to the next weekend (no plans that anyone knows of) since they've already made camping reservations, but shower invites hadn't gone out yet.
NOPE! No way no how! She's done making concessions for everyone else and if they can't make it, then it's their loss!
Note - I'm really not sure what concessions she's talking about....except for one thing. The ladies all get together for dinner one night a month - whoever can make it makes it, but everyone is invited. The date for the next month is planned by the majority of the people who attend this month that can make it next month. The location is picked based on as close to the center of everyone as possible. Both SIL and I live well outside of the general group, so we're the ones doing the most driving and sometimes we have to rush. Actually, I'm the one driving, she rides with me. She complains all the time that they should have the dinners closer to us so we don't have to rush all the time. I told her I really didn't care and since I'm driving, if she wanted to complain, she could, but I wasn't going to argue it one way or the other. She's never brought it up that I know of, but keeps complaining to me about the location!
Camping location and shower location are about an hours drive away from each other. Based on timing (shower at 2pm on Saturday), it won't make sense for us to try to go camping afterwards just to pack up the next morning.
We have told her that none of the guys in our family like to attend showers and would prefer to do something else. In her mind, it's really a "pool party" for the guys while the girls are having the shower and they'll join them afterward in the pool.
Guys - my family are a bunch of rednecks - they'd rather be at the lake with a beer in their hands while piling more logs on the campfire (yes, even in 100+ degree heat!).
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 20, 2013 21:21:40 GMT -5
Duplicate - sorry!
Anne - so far SIL and my Mom haven't clashed too badly yet - they're both still playing nice for DB. Both of them have confessed to me that the day is coming when they won't be able to keep their mouths shut!
I have news for them - I might beat them to it and tell both of them off!!!
I'm not sure what her actual plans are for the day of the shower. When I was trying to help her with the wedding, I had to ask very specific questions just to get the general idea out of her on what her day looked like to her (so....you wake up the morning of...then what do you plan on doing?....eat breakfast...good...then what?....). She originally told me that they'd walk down the aisle and everyone would be happy and have a great time.
Okay - great - who's doing all of the planning to make sure everyone has a great time? Deer in the headlights look - What planning?
<sigh> I'm definitely going to start drinking again....
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jun 20, 2013 21:26:12 GMT -5
Yeah... even if your family wasn't a bunch of rednecks, "guys" and "pool party" don't exactly mix.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 20, 2013 21:40:09 GMT -5
LOL! And the reality is, when we do have a "pool party", everyone pretty much stands around in the pool drinking beer and talking! Occasionally, they'll bring out the volleyball net and play a few games, but there are always time-outs for cigarettes and beer!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 20, 2013 21:42:22 GMT -5
Here Kara & Meghan
I'll keep supplying them till the drama is over.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 20, 2013 22:25:44 GMT -5
Here's a drink on me, and since I can't join you in a drink right now, you can have mine also At least train-wreck SILs are entertaining. My DB got married last Aug, and I am extremely surprised that SIL hasn't figured out how to get pregnant yet. She is also too good to work, but wants to bitch about DB working OT to pay the bills (you know, because they are newlyweds and he should not have to work late nights like that when he has a hot little bride waiting for him at home ).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 20, 2013 22:52:17 GMT -5
My sil (who I love dearly) is getting married next weekend. This whole thing has made me realize that I suck at these things, ande once this one is over I'm not doing anything like it until it.ps for my kids. . My wedding had 12 guests total, no shower, rehearsal dinner, or bachelorette party nonsense. I just don't get the big hoopla and it really stresses me out to try to figure it out...
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simser
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Post by simser on Jun 20, 2013 23:07:21 GMT -5
Honestly, if the two are only an hour apart and you'd have to skip what you want (camping) for what you have to (shower)...
I am reading this correctly, right?
Anyways I'd go camping. And I'd leave with enough time to get back home, shower and change and run to the party (be fashionably late!) and then I'd head back to camping afterwards. I know it's more driving than would be fun, but you'd still have 2 nights and at least one morning camping, which is fun. An hour isn't the worlds worst drive.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 20, 2013 23:48:06 GMT -5
Well there's more now so just dig in and enjoy the ride.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2013 6:31:08 GMT -5
Since the invitations hadn't been sent yet, SIL thinks that everybody should have known that's her weekend HOW? Not to mention that everybody should have also known that her mother would be visiting. Isn't a shower at six months just a bit too soon? I'm voting for having the shower at the campground or...."camping" at the pool Wonder what her baby gift registry will look like...
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Jun 21, 2013 8:03:18 GMT -5
I haven't read all the posts because of time restraints. I would suggest she hold her own shower. Really, I would. Why should you miss out on a family outing because she's not flexible. "Sorry, not a good day for me." should do it. I consider her attitude as a form of emotional blackmail. She should be appreciative that people care enough to have a shower for her. Holding one is not a given. I, personally, would not allow another person to hold me hostage. But, that's just me. Take it or leave it - no skin off my back would be my attitude.
As far as the back story goes, I'm not trying to be mean, but, she is your brother's problem. Just smile when she talks and agree. She won't be around for the long haul.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2013 8:14:40 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but I'm still on this:
Now I'm no genius, but I've taken at least one police exam and the questions are not any kind of difficult. I see study guides floating around for them and I'm like "really?" These questions are mostly common sense and spacial/directional awareness - if you find those questions to be too difficult, you don't need to be anywhere close to holding a badge and gun.
And I remember your earlier thread about what a clusterfuck the wedding prep was for this and I feel for you. Personally, I'd go to the camping trip because then at least you won't hear about how so-and-so decided to skip the Shower of the Millennium for hours and hours.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2013 8:21:39 GMT -5
Karaboo just something that I noticed long ago. Some people believe that the world revolves around them. There will always be problems because they just can't understand that others don't know that. Having one of those people in your group will always cause strife. Having 2 of those people in your group will sooner or later develop into open warfare (with everyone else being stuck in the middle). So how do you deal with that long term (& not just in the example that you've given)? Well that all depends on you. Some people are peace makers & try to please everybody. They usually have a lot of strife trying to do that (Could that be you?). Me? My basic rule is that I don't impose my wants on anyone, nor do I expect them to impose on me. I do pretty much what I want & expect others to do the same. In short I'm a stubborn rock. Trying to manipulate or guilt me just doesn't work. Press me harder to do something that I don't want & I'll not only dig my heals in but I'll tell you off. The only person in the world that could possibly get me to do something that I don't want to do is my wife & one of the many big reasons that I love her is because she never presses me to do something that I don't want to. IF it were me (being in your situation) I'd do the following. Help with the shower. Just tell her the facts (they had the family camping trip planned before you planned your shower...Oh well). I'd let the chips fall where they may. If on the other hand I was your husband & the plan was for me to go to a shower & stand around with a bunch of other sucker husbands outside, I "might" go to support you. However I would set it up with the other guys & we would load into cars & head to the closest strip bar (rather than wait outside). Why? 1. It would get us out of the heat. 2. I like to answer insanity with insanity (& yes I view a plan to have husbands at a shower as insanity). 3. It would set your brother up to experience the hell that he let himself in for by wedding this "lady".
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2013 8:21:57 GMT -5
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 8:48:51 GMT -5
Sug - Love the drinks! I'll have one of everything please! Oh....it's only 8:30 in the morning? Uh....umm....It's 5 o'clock somewhere!
Simser - You're right, an hour's drive isn't horrible, but I'm honestly not sure I can do that (personally). I know myself and I'll just stress myself out trying to do something like that. My mom is wanting me to be in charge of games (blech!) and I already have a stack of items for gifts. I'm just frustrated that she insists family be there for her, but because this group decided to go camping on HER weekend, she refuses to be flexible.
Either family is important or it's not. Family is very important to me and I'd be more flexible on this if it was really that important to me.
MissRigby - Please quit using logic - that has no place in this discussion! Family making plans to go camping should have spoken to EVERYONE else in the family to make sure there wasn't a conflict. They should have ESPECIALLY talked to her to make sure it was okay. After all, she's pregnant, they know she'll be having a shower at some point - they should have planned the camping trip accordingly and not ruined her....uh...her BABY'S....special day.
I totally agree that 6 months is to early to be having the shower. We've been trying to suggest September, but she insists it has to be when her mom is in town. I have no idea how long her mom's in town, but I'm thinking it's like 6 weeks. It's not like she's only here for 7-10 days.
I've refused to look at the registry (I saw what was on her bridal registry). Instead, I'm buying stuff that I really wished I had when my kids were little. Screw what she WANTS. I'm getting her what she needs.
MrsDutt - I agree, and if it was anyone else in the family except for my immediate family, I'd be doing just that. Since this is my only brother and only SIL (no other siblings), I feel like I HAVE to be involved. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I haven't come to terms with that just yet.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 8:51:15 GMT -5
It sounds like you really can't stand her so even the most innocuous things are going to irritate you. Send the invites out for the 20th and whoever makes it makes it. I personally think a pool party co-ed cook-out/shower sounds like a great time. I've been to a couple of co-ed showers and they weren't weird at all, but it's all how you position it. Cook-out with beers and backyard games, bring your pool floats and swimsuits while we celebrate the upcoming arrival of the new baby. Bail a little early so you can camp that night and hang out with the rest of the family Sunday. If it pleases you, plan a surprise shower in August or September and includes the folks who couldn't make it- and actually make it a surprise so you don't have to communicate any of the details or plans.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2013 8:53:05 GMT -5
MissRigby - Please quit using logic - that has no place in this discussion!
I've refused to look at the registry (I saw what was on her bridal registry). Instead, I'm buying stuff that I really wished I had when my kids were little. Screw what she WANTS. I'm getting her what she needs. KaraBoo do you see a conflict within your post? PS: If I were made to go to a baby shower my gift would always be baby soap, a washrag, & maybe a brush. After all those are shower items!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 8:57:59 GMT -5
Okay - I have to leave for an appointment - but wanted to comment one last time....
The questions about the academy were just her excuse not to apply. Those of us she told her plans to originally knew she'd never actually go through with it. We encouraged her, but between ourselves, we were shocked that those were her plans. They were all grand, but lacked any substance - remember, she's 32 and just now thinking of applying for police work when her first full-time job was working as a valet. Yeah....that's a recipe for success!
Normally, I don't bother with the drama - but in this instance I'm catching it from both sides. Normally, I'm the rational one and try to fine rational solutions that makes the most sense for everyone involved - even if not everyone is happy about the end result. Family IS important to me and I want to be supportive of my new SIL. I'm just struggling with it because she has such a MeMeMe personality. Her attitude that we're excluding her is basically being a self-fulfilling prophecy because she's bringing a lot of the grief on herself by seeing insults at every turn. That in turn leaves no one wanting to hang out with her and by extension my brother.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 8:58:38 GMT -5
Also, every shower I've been to has a 2 hour range of time in the invite 12-2, for example. Sometimes if it's a cook-out setting or a big game on t.v. it last longer than the invite specified- but it would be totally cool to leave at 2. If people are having a good time and it's appropriate they can linger longer, but it would be fine for you to be on your way and camp with the rest of the group.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 21, 2013 8:59:46 GMT -5
Karaboo, I swear...you are doing this just so I do another blogpost about your family, right? Seriously, this is good material. But I'd let go of the SIL's "me, me, me" monster at this point. If you cave into this, you're going to be doing it for the baby's birth, the subsequent births, the birthdays, etc. Offer your help, but when she starts pouting and whining about how nobody loves her little selfish, self-centered self because they all left her and ran off camping on "her" weekend, remind her that camping was planned first. And as for her not making any more concessions for anyone - remind her of that when no one shows up for her shower shindig. And as for men at a shower, oh, puhleeze. No freaking way. I think most men would prefer a good game of "Let's Go Play In Traffic."
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