NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,675
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 21, 2013 12:11:01 GMT -5
But if they didn't tell her how is she supposed to know that? It just seems really easy to go ahead and throw the shower on the 20th from 12-2, then OP and her mom can head over to the camp ground later that afternoon. While at the camp ground you can brainstorm with the others who couldn't make it your plans to through a surprise shower in September. Life is easy, people make it difficult. Shower time is at 2 p.m., not noon. Mama Bear to-be already decided that, apparently. And I don't think Kara is making this difficult. SIL on the other hand, does not seem to want to make herself welcome in this family, which is quite a bit larger than hers. But like I said, I know the backstory. And my money is on SIL not being around for the long run, because these people are such meanies.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,070
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 12:13:59 GMT -5
SIL has gone so far as to tell me that she wants my mom to have nothing to do with the baby once its here because SIL doesn't believe my mom knows how to take care of children
That's going to go over well. Glad you told her to drop and make sure you enforce that. No way I'd want to be in the middle of that shitstorm.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 21, 2013 12:17:44 GMT -5
After reading page 2, I want to echo what old tex said before. Personally, its the lack of flexibility that gets to me. Like oldtex said, inflexible people just make me want to dig my heels in further. It may be immature, or even downright primal, but if you aren't going to compromise, why should I?
The real victim here is the brother, as he is in a lose/lose position. Remember, he is the one who has to live with the wife. You may not like her, but your brother was your brother long before your SIL was your SIL. He is the one who is going to have to sit and listen to the "your family is horrible to me" nonsense.
Thats not to say you have to be wonderful to your SIL, but at least be sympathetic to your brother.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2013 12:36:31 GMT -5
Nobody held a gun to his head to make him marry her.
She's 32 years old and never had a full time job. Why in God's name would anyone willingly marry that?
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 21, 2013 12:43:47 GMT -5
Nobody held a gun to his head to make him marry her. She's 32 years old and never had a full time job. Why in God's name would anyone willingly marry that? I agree. But that horse has already left the barn. They're married and a baby is on the way. This woman and her child are going to be in the brother's life forever whether he stays married to her or not.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 21, 2013 14:04:23 GMT -5
...:::"I agree. But that horse has already left the barn. They're married and a baby is on the way. This woman and her child are going to be in the brother's life forever whether he stays married to her or not.":::...
Exactly, you beat me to it.
Sure, the holier-than-thous who "never made a mistake" (*cough* that they admit *cough*) love to play the "she was always that way" card. Ever wonder WHY she "always was" and "still is" that way? Isn't this thread essentially about the OP behaving in exactly the way that not only fosters but downright ENCOURAGES that behavior? You can't get mad at the SIL for expecting you to change your plans and plan her party, when you are talking to her about planning your party, and shuttling yourself back and forth to accommodate the date and time she's requested.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 14:25:23 GMT -5
I am ashamed at how I acted at my bridal shower. The thing ended up being a disaster, and it totally hurt my feelings. I was the last of my friends to get married, and after years of making their day special, and buying the dresses, and going to the showers and the parties, and fawning over them and their day, etc, I was expecting a little more. I was hoping that I would feel special. But instead, they were starting to have babies, and didn't have the time or money or inclination to back-track into territory already covered. Big whoop - Thyme is getting married. I've been married for two years - it isn't a big accomplishment or anything. The less people cared, the more demanding I got. It was very depressing. Couldn't just this once, I be the special one?
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jun 21, 2013 14:40:11 GMT -5
The thing is, she's EXPECTING my mom to host the shower because my parents have a pool. She told me earlier this spring that she wanted the baby shower in the summer so she could actually use the maternity swim suit she purposely bought too big so she could wear it at the shower. She is going to be really disappointed when there is small talk with appetizers, present openings, cake, and everyone leaves & she is left to swim in the pool alone. Especially if the guys are drug along, made to sit outside, & have no interest in being there. FWIW my cousin had a coed baby shower & that was fun. But, the guys weren't expected to sit outside & have their own party.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,070
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 14:52:36 GMT -5
FWIW my cousin had a coed baby shower & that was fun. But, the guys weren't expected to sit outside & have their own party
That was the part that struck me as weird. All the guys have to show up but they need to stay outside and do their own thing.
I know from my BFF's wedding when I was in the wedding party that guys who don't know each other don't really like being thrown into a group to socialize while the wives/girlfriends are doing other stuff.
It'd be different if the shower was structured to be more inclusive but it's two totally different parties. If she thinks everyone is sticking around to play in the pool and attend a shower she's nuts.
|
|
grumpyhermit
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jul 12, 2012 12:04:00 GMT -5
Posts: 1,444
|
Post by grumpyhermit on Jun 21, 2013 14:52:43 GMT -5
Or they ARE going to have a good time, chatting and partying, and she is going to be pissed off that she is not the center of attention.
Pool + beer + food >>>> annoying pregnant lady with a princess complex.
This makes me ever so glad my SIL is not insane. I recently attended her baby shower and while they are not really my preferred way to spend my free time, it was fine.
My SIL is very close with her mother (who lives about 45 minutes away) and my mother (who lives about 3 hours away) is already starting up with veiled comments about how she is going to be "cut out". I have a STRICT no engagement policy. If she wants to stir herself into a tizzy over imagined slights and favoritism (and sorry of COURSE my SIL is going to want HER mother around more) she can do that without me as a sounding board.
I have an extraordinary low tolerance for drama and bullshit.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,070
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 14:54:39 GMT -5
Or they ARE going to have a good time, chatting and partying, and she is going to be pissed off that she is not the center of attention
That is certainly possible too. I'd be sneaking out the back to join the boys if that was the case.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 21, 2013 14:55:55 GMT -5
Sure, the holier-than-thous who "never made a mistake" (*cough* that they admit *cough*) love to play the "she was always that way" card. Ever wonder WHY she "always was" and "still is" that way? Isn't this thread essentially about the OP behaving in exactly the way that not only fosters but downright ENCOURAGES that behavior? You can't get mad at the SIL for expecting you to change your plans and plan her party, when you are talking to her about planning your party, and shuttling yourself back and forth to accommodate the date and time she's requested. While I agree with WBBG that Karaboo is going to have to put her foot down with both her mother and SIL at some point, no good can come from going toe to toe with someone who is freaking out about becoming a parent and awash in pregnancy hormones.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 14:57:34 GMT -5
We went to a co-ed baby shower and one of the activities was to have the women write down advice for the new mom and men to write down advice for the new dad, and they read them aloud. I thought this was going to be funny, so my husband and I came up with serious whack-a-doodle stuff. Good thing, too, because ours was a humorous reprieve in the middle of a bunch of platitudes and lame advice.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jun 21, 2013 15:00:05 GMT -5
I am ashamed at how I acted at my bridal shower. The thing ended up being a disaster, and it totally hurt my feelings. I was the last of my friends to get married, and after years of making their day special, and buying the dresses, and going to the showers and the parties, and fawning over them and their day, etc, I was expecting a little more. I was hoping that I would feel special. But instead, they were starting to have babies, and didn't have the time or money or inclination to back-track into territory already covered. Big whoop - Thyme is getting married. I've been married for two years - it isn't a big accomplishment or anything. The less people cared, the more demanding I got. It was very depressing. Couldn't just this once, I be the special one? I feel guilty because I am sort of doing this for a friends. She was super helpful in planning my wedding & is one of those people that loves that stuff. I on the other hand suck at it & have not been that involved. And it doesn't help that this is one of those 200+ people, planned 18 months in advance, $30-50K weddings. Frankly I have a lot of shit going on right now & I don't have the time or energy to be involved in 18 months of ongoing wedding planning. I did help pick out the dress & am throwing the bridal shower. She has I think 6 other bridesmaids to pick up the slack too. I hope she doesn't think I am a sucky friend because I really do care. But, I am definitely not as involved as she was with my wedding, which does make me feel bad. I also found out I may not even get to attend due to health reasons, which really sucks & makes me feel like the worst friend ever. But I bought the plane ticket & am going to buy my dress anyway & just hope for the best.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,070
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 15:01:27 GMT -5
God I hope the shower I am attending in a few weeks does not have games. Over 50 people are invited. If I have to play games with that many people I am dropping off my gift and then I'm walking across the church field to go have a drink with my FIL at his house.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Jun 21, 2013 15:34:17 GMT -5
Ok, I'm going to go against the tide here - while she obviously has issues, I don't think that the shower is one of them necessarily.
She wants to have the shower with family - her mom is in town. So, she wants to have a shower with her mom htere? Umm, me too. She picked a weekend, and it turns out everyone else in the family is going camping and forgot - or "forgot" to tell her. That would make me feel like total shit. And yeah, I would probably say "So screw them if they don't come." because my feelings would be hurt.
Just a different perspective.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 15:56:28 GMT -5
bsbound - I don't think you are alone. I am with you on the whole shower date, etc. I'm sure that everyone thought my shower date was inappropriate, too - because they all had something to do. But, try and pick a weekend where everyone is sitting around with an empty calendar.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jun 21, 2013 16:12:57 GMT -5
Ok, I'm going to go against the tide here - while she obviously has issues, I don't think that the shower is one of them necessarily. She wants to have the shower with family - her mom is in town. So, she wants to have a shower with her mom htere? Umm, me too. She picked a weekend, and it turns out everyone else in the family is going camping and forgot - or "forgot" to tell her. That would make me feel like total shit. And yeah, I would probably say "So screw them if they don't come." because my feelings would be hurt. Just a different perspective. I agree to a point. I think you just suck it up & have 2 showers if you must have a shower with your mom, but your DH's side of the family will all be camping. I would assume the camping trip was not planned on this date to hurt her & it just sucks that these two events are happening on the same weekend.
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jun 21, 2013 16:16:54 GMT -5
I dont tell my relatives about my vacation plans as a rule and I wouldnt change those vacation plans for a shower someone who is a pain in the ass. Id send a check and call it good. I realize that for the bride or mom to be, these are events that everyone should just drop everything and do whatever is necessary to make their fantasy party come true....but they end up being a PITA for the rest of the world that is supposed to accommodate their every whim.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Jun 21, 2013 16:19:14 GMT -5
I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose. But like I finally told DH about the inlaws - they never hurt my feelings on purpose, but you know what a whole lot of not on purpose hurt feelings gets me? A lot of hurt feelings.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 21, 2013 16:21:03 GMT -5
Didn't Kara say that mom is in the area for 6 WEEKS Not just that one weekend? So, both things COULD be accommodated IF drama queen wanted to. Personally, unless it's going to be getting me more backlash than I could handle (like not attending my out of town sister's LOCAL baby shower) then I wouldn't go. I think Kara is in the more backlash than she can handle territory here. I won't be going to a baby shower for some chick I don't know that BIL knocked up. She mentioned it to me and that it'll be coed too, when we met for the 1st time last weekend.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Jun 21, 2013 16:22:01 GMT -5
To be clear, I'm not saying that the camping inlaws should change their plans or are in the wrong. I just don't think it's unreasonable to want her mom at the shower or to feel hurt she didn't know about everyone else's plans.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 21, 2013 16:25:22 GMT -5
I don't think it's unreasonable to want mom there either, I do think it's unreasonable to say that's the only time one can be held if mom really will be around for 6 whole weeks. I often find out about extended family plans on the day of. They told mom to tell "her girls" and Mom either tells one and thinks she told us all or doesn't tell any of us. Or just forgets me, the one she sees most every day. I haven't lived at home in 20 years, they could just ask her for my number. Or find me on FB. I used to be annoyed by it, now I don't worry about them if they don't care enough to let me know in some other way that they KNOW will work. They all know Mom is like that.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 17:04:35 GMT -5
People who don't camp think camping trips are very easy to reschedule. So, why can't those campers just go another weekend? If it is the only weekend they have available to go, then moving her shower won't make a lick of difference, because no one will be available any of the other weekends either.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jun 21, 2013 17:15:03 GMT -5
People who don't camp think camping trips are very easy to reschedule. So, why can't those campers just go another weekend? If it is the only weekend they have available to go, then moving her shower won't make a lick of difference, because no one will be available any of the other weekends either. Needing to be free Friday evening through Sunday for camping is a little different than being available for 2 hours on a Saturday afternoon for a party. I have something planned that could keep me from camping most weekends, however almost any weekend I can clear out 2 hours on a Saturday.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 17:20:46 GMT -5
I bet if she moved the date, the same number of people would show up.
That is what happened with my shower. Everyone was too busy, and my MOH was so afraid no one would come and she shifted it around and around, and no matter what time she picked, the same number of people were locked into something else that they absolutely couldn't change - you know, like going to the movies with their mother - gee, can't you do that any time? After my wedding I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends because I really questioned if they were my friends at all. Was I being too dramatic? Maybe. But, I only had one bridal shower in my life. I bet they can't even remember what was so important that they absolutely could not come.
For the record, I only had one baby shower, too. Even though I had two babies that each came with their own pregnancy. I was so sick of everyone having such an attitude and being so put out by having to come to a party and how terrible it was for them that their friend was having a life event, and how playing a fucking party game was the end of their life and they would drop their present in the middle of floor and run out of there as quickly as possible, just so they can get drunk instead. Fine. You don't want to be part of my life. Fine. I don't remember the attitude when it was your wedding and your baby.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 21, 2013 17:21:31 GMT -5
I have to wonder why this woman thinks it's advantageous to have one big baby shower rather than several smaller baby showers? In my experience, planning and executing several smaller events is way less trouble and drama than doing one huge event and showers get exponentially more tedious as the guestlist grows.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 17:24:40 GMT -5
Maybe she only has one person in her life that even offered to throw a shower, so she figured it should be a big one.
All my friends had multiple showers for both weddings and babies. Their mom threw them one, and their friend threw one, etc. However, my mother told me that it was against etiquette for a mother to throw her daughter a shower. So, I had one friend throw me a shower out of obligation for my wedding, and one sweety throw me a baby shower. My sister didn't offer, my mother would horrified to do it - tacky.
It doesn't sound like this gal has a lot of family, and her friends are probably done with this stage of their life. So, only one person offered, she has to include everyone in one big shot.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 21, 2013 17:28:10 GMT -5
Regarding camping, around here campgrounds can be booked solid on the weekends 6-12 months in advance. Sometimes, I can find a random open weekend for a campsite or even 2, but if you have a bigger group all wanting to go at the same time with campsites right next to each other, I would imagine you really have to make your reservations early, and there would be no rescheduling a big group that same summer.
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jun 21, 2013 17:30:02 GMT -5
or to feel hurt she didn't know about everyone else's plans. Why should she feel hurt if she didnt know about everyones plans? If I made a point of telling my SIL every time I went somewhere or had a vacation planned, I would sound like a total braggart and complete tool. I have 4 trips planned this year (just got back from Italy) and havent mentioned them to any relative other than my parents. If a party were to pop up during the time I have any of them planned, I would send my regrets and mail a check if appropriate. I'm not going to lose deposits or pay change fees just to accommodate a baby shower date. I think its also ridiculous to expect a large group to change their plans regardless of the perception that its easier to reschedule camping. Its just as easy to reschedule a baby shower. There is no requirement to even have a shower. People can sent whatever in the mail.
|
|