KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 9:00:14 GMT -5
MissRigby - Please quit using logic - that has no place in this discussion!
I've refused to look at the registry (I saw what was on her bridal registry). Instead, I'm buying stuff that I really wished I had when my kids were little. Screw what she WANTS. I'm getting her what she needs. KaraBoo do you see a conflict within your post? PS: If I were made to go to a baby shower my gift would always be baby soap, a washrag, & maybe a brush. After all those are shower items! Yes, but she's also told me she has no idea what she actually needs, so just went through the store picking out things that looked interesting. So - I don't feel bad about doing this.....
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 21, 2013 9:10:50 GMT -5
MissRigby - Please quit using logic - that has no place in this discussion!
I've refused to look at the registry (I saw what was on her bridal registry). Instead, I'm buying stuff that I really wished I had when my kids were little. Screw what she WANTS. I'm getting her what she needs. KaraBoo do you see a conflict within your post? PS: If I were made to go to a baby shower my gift would always be baby soap, a washrag, & maybe a brush. After all those are shower items! Yes, but she's also told me she has no idea what she actually needs, so just went through the store picking out things that looked interesting. So - I don't feel bad about doing this..... <<Pictures SIL wandering around with nekkid baby, but brushing kid's hair with a gold-plated brush>>
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2013 9:16:34 GMT -5
Games?!
Even better reason to go camping.
I give you permission to blow off the shower.
Does she realize that she is now too old to be a rookie police officer?
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Jun 21, 2013 9:27:29 GMT -5
Are you hosting or is your mom? Either way, someone should tell her they can't throw the shower that weekend - it's way too early. And privately, I'd tell all the men in the family not to come...if she needs your brother's help to load up, then he can show up at the end.
And I'm sorry - family drama is no fun. My cousin just told everyone she's pregnant (6 weeks), and based on family history, I'm expecting some of this crap from her. Thankfully, for now at least, I live 2 states away so can avoid most of it.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 21, 2013 10:04:50 GMT -5
The main thing I got out of this thread is that you know more about your SIL's life than I think I remember about my own. It makes me happy to live over a hundred miles from my closest relative. As far as the shower, I don't think I have ever been to a baby shower that had games. All I remember was people bringing presents, the mom to be opening them, and everyone eating cake. I would try and get her something for the baby that she wants though. While she does need things like nail clippers, outlet covers etc, I wouldn't of bring her a bunch of them of to make a point. If she doesn't know what a baby will need maybe a trip to BRU to look at those thing would be a nice helpful thing to do. I would also try and talk about what you think is really needed vs what places like baby stores would like us to think is absolutely needed. Being pregnant really can be an emotional roller coaster. While I can say that I was perfectly reasonable and low mantiance the entire time, maybe the people around me didn't always agree.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 21, 2013 10:33:01 GMT -5
I had a coed baby shower and it was great. Food, beer, and socializing. The present part is boring, but it was so much better than the ones that include ridiculous games.
I'd suggest deciding what you're willing to do, offer that and that alone. She isn't 20, and you can still be involved on your own terms.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 10:35:08 GMT -5
This is quite the bashing board for your SIL. I know a few people who applied to the police academy in their 30s and 40s- one got in at 43. Maybe other people told her she was too old and that's the real reason she didn't end up applying. Or, maybe she just isn't smart or ambitious enough and it's kind of cruel to pick on her about it. Not everyone is as smart or ambitious as the folks on this message board (obviously).
When I read this it sounds like it's the OP that's "me, me, me". She wants to have the shower when she wants it- not her SIL, she wants to give gifts she wants- not what her SIL wants, she wants to invite only women- not what her SIL wants, she doesn't want to have games- not what her SIL wants. So, that's why there is a struggle. When my friends threw me a shower, they asked me when I wanted it and the date was set. They didn't get ugly about any of the details, but I guess that's the difference between people who like you and people who don't. The camping trip is one month away, people have reserved plots and nobody bothered to invite her. I could see thinking she was intentionally left out and to move forward with her plans. There will always be conflicts on scheduling and sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand.
Also, I got plenty of gift certificates to go out and buy what I needed. It's no fun opening up nail clippers, nipple cream and gas drops in front of a crowd.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Jun 21, 2013 10:43:45 GMT -5
All of your guys' family issues make me chortle with derision and glee. Just stay away from them. That's what I do. Of course, their restraining order makes it easier.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2013 10:45:06 GMT -5
It's not, but they're useful.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 10:49:46 GMT -5
Hmm. .I don't remember a lot of the cutesy fun stuff I got at my shower. I remember the stuff I used every single day. I didn't have to buy shampoo for a freaking year. I thanked my great uncle multiple times for the package of Gerber cloth diapers, those were worth their weight in gold. So much better than what is marketed as "burp cloths", you expect a baby to hit that tiny mark? I don't think so. I never bothered with half the cutesy outfits I got because they were too impractical. It was "fun to open" but not so fun to wrestle a newborn into and out of after a diaper explosion. My BFF must have been lying when she told me how much she appreciated the tote I gave her stuffed full of small but needed baby items.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Jun 21, 2013 10:51:23 GMT -5
Also, I got plenty of gift certificates to go out and buy what I needed. It's no fun opening up nail clippers, nipple cream and gas drops in front of a crowd. I didn't mind opening any of that stuff. Quite frankly, I'd rather get the stuff I need than the cutesy stuff that may or may not be useful just because people like to buy cute stuff. Thankfully, my friends and family were awesome and got both kinds of stuff. I also loved that some of my friends who were recent moms got me things that had been lifesavers for them when their babies were newborns, especially as some of that stuff was things I would never have thought of.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2013 10:52:40 GMT -5
I have had a few mothers look at me kind of funny at a baby shower when I gave them a gift bag full of liquid motrin, diaper cream, wipes, gas drops, pedialite, a thermometer, etc.
However, once their babies reach about a year old, they have sought me out to say thank you for the unfun stuff that was very needed and used, and they didn't need to make a special midnight trip to the store when the baby was sick.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 10:56:06 GMT -5
I did a case of diapers Gwen had outgrown before I could open it for a random relative of MIL's she insist I send a gift for. I got a thank you card saying her husband was ecstatic over my gift because apparently he'd been having panic attacks over the cost of diapers.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 11:26:56 GMT -5
"My BFF must have been lying when she told me how much she appreciated the tote I gave her stuffed full of small but needed baby items."
I'm sure she did love it, that wasn't my point. It's that it is okay to get people what they want because they will likely get plenty of gift certificates to buy what they need. And, it's also very easy to return new in package items from your registry- even without a receipt. It's not as easy to return items not on your registry that didn't come with a receipt. Case in point, I also got 2 years worth of baby shampoo, soap and lotion, but then read about the carcinogenic chemicals and how Johnsons and Johnsons dries out skin, I discussed it with my daughter's pediatrician and promptly returned every last bottle for something that wasn't so nasty- fortunately it was all still new in package and Target stocked it. I have never had to buy lotion at all because I don't use a soap that dries out skin.
Yes, I'm sure the friends who bought me that stuff thought it was a need and I still appreciated it because I got to return it for something the pediatrician recommended would be much better for her skin as well as the needed nipple cream, gas drops and breast pads. Between returns and gift certificates, I had almost $1000. I never told anyone if had to return their generous gifts. And, if I got an adorable little outfit, I made sure to snap a picture of her in it- I waited to remove the tags until after I considered whether it was practical for her to wear more than once.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 11:29:15 GMT -5
I just find it amusing that people always point the finger at somebody else being controlling. When in fact, there wouldn't be a conflict at all if the finger pointer wasn't also trying to control the situation a different direction.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 11:36:11 GMT -5
It's that it is okay to get people what they want because they will likely get plenty of gift certificates to buy what they need.
But gift certificates aren't fun to open.
This is why I hate showers, too much political crap going on with gifts. My DH's nephew and his girlfriend apparently clicked on every expensive thing they could find in Target for their baby shower. So either I spend money I can't afford or piss off people by going off registry.
Oh well.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 11:47:39 GMT -5
It's that it is okay to get people what they want because they will likely get plenty of gift certificates to buy what they need.
But gift certificates aren't fun to open.
This is why I hate showers, too much political crap going on with gifts. My DH's nephew and his girlfriend apparently clicked on every expensive thing they could find in Target for their baby shower. So either I spend money I can't afford or piss off people by going off registry.
Oh well. Ahhh, but they are the quickest to open and the gift opening part is the worst, most boring part of a shower (in my opinion). You can't socialize, you can't compete, you're just stuck there watching and feigning ooohs and ahhhs over butt cream and aspirators. If it wasn't rude, I'd bail before the gift opening every time.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 11:48:38 GMT -5
PS: If I were made to go to a baby shower my gift would always be baby soap, a washrag, & maybe a brush. After all those are shower items! There was one lady in our group that for every baby shower she gave the Mom a case of diaper wipes. A CASE. She said "Easily the least exciting gift, but also one of the most useful." I didn't have a baby when she was around, but I thought of her every time I had to buy more wipes for my kids.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 11:53:17 GMT -5
Just have a few minutes before I'm back out the door, but wanted to comment that Yes, I totally understand how my post can come off as controlling as well - I was raised by my mother after all! However, I was also raised by the same woman that showers (whether bridal or baby) are gifts themselves and gifts should not be expected, just because you are expecting (to be married or to have a baby). Gooddecisions - from your post: When my friends threw me a shower, they asked me when I wanted it and the date was set.With SIL, there is no allowing us to ask her what she wants - she's TELLING us how it's going to be. We, as her new extended family, are excited that they are expecting, and planned on having a shower for her in September - closer to expected due date mid-October. She informed us that it HAD to be when her mom was in town (yes, she was quite forceful to my mom in my presence that it HAD to be that way). We changed the plans to accommodate her mom being in town. While I agree with SIL about her mom being present, it's the way she's going about it that is upsetting me. The thing is, she's EXPECTING my mom to host the shower because my parents have a pool. She told me earlier this spring that she wanted the baby shower in the summer so she could actually use the maternity swim suit she purposely bought too big so she could wear it at the shower. She's been EXPECTING this shower to happen a certain way for a while now. She's EXPECTING the whole family to be invited, as well as her family and friends. She's EXPECTING all of this to happen because she's the pregnant one, no one else. There is no us doing this for her because we want to, it's her directing everything from the sidelines to her standards.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 11:55:51 GMT -5
If there is nothing on the registry I feel comfortable buying, I like to give a customized sock monkey (first name or last name if name hasn't been decided) holding a $50 gift certificate for wherever they registered. Then, I got something that might have some longevity and memorability along with money for stuff they need. I also try to get the best picture of the newborn and momma when I'm at the hospital for some custom framework. I will literally pose, adjust lighting, make-up and direct them so they are perfect. The past 5 babies it's worked out great.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 11:57:43 GMT -5
PS: If I were made to go to a baby shower my gift would always be baby soap, a washrag, & maybe a brush. After all those are shower items! There was one lady in our group that for every baby shower she gave the Mom a case of diaper wipes. A CASE. She said "Easily the least exciting gift, but also one of the most useful." I didn't have a baby when she was around, but I thought of her every time I had to buy more wipes for my kids. Thyme - that is exactly one of the gifts I am still planning on picking up for her as one of my many gifts to her - a CASE of diaper wipes. I can't imagine that actually being on her gift registry, but I'm getting it anyways. I've already spent well over $100 on gifts so far, so please don't any one think I'm being horrible to her by not following her registry. I saw her bridal registry and heard how she talked about the people who went off it. She had Pampered Chef stuff galore on it and she talked about how cheap people were for buying things at Target that were the same items, just not the name brand.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 21, 2013 11:57:47 GMT -5
I think gooddecisions also missed the part about the camping trip planned ahead of time - as in, before shower plans were made. And the fact that you tried to accommodate Her Pregnant Majesty and it will.not.work.for.her. Of course, I don't thing gooddecisions knows the wedding backstory, either. Lawd, now there was a cluster moment meets a trainwreck if ever there was one.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 12:00:00 GMT -5
I would go to the shower. Your relationship will only get worse with her if you miss her shower to go camping with a bunch of people you see often. Sorry, but we can't rearrange the world so you get to do every single thing you want to do.
I was a total pain in the ass when I was getting married and when I was pregnant. I know I did some things that made me bridezilla-ish, or some other form of self-absorbed assholery. But, alas, my husband and I have a great marriage. So, you might be caught in her swirl of trying to figure out where she belongs, in the world, in the family, whatever. You can either show her a little kindness and maybe she will calm down, or you can rag on her every move and cause a division which will only make her feel more excluded and unwelcome in the family. She might be a crazy pain in the drain forever, or she might calm down just a little bit, and you can get used to the rest.
My SIL and I will never be close because I'm sure I did all the wrong crap when I was new to the family, and becoming a mother for the first time. And now we have to sit together and smile politely and make small talk every single Christmas forever. I can only imagine what she says about me in the car ride home. I will never trust her. She will never trust me. And my husband's relationship with his brother will always be strained because of it. And my best friends all moved on, and I rarely see them, but my SIL is there - at every family gathering, every single year. So, be careful how you treat your SIL. Because she might be around forever. You don't want her thinking that you don't care about her baby, or whatever. It will only hurt you in the end.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 21, 2013 12:00:14 GMT -5
Karaboo, this woman is 31, hasn't accompished anything with her life, and has a new family that doens't like her. It is fairly common for women who come off as entitled pricesses to act that way because they are either as dumb as a pile of dirt or just so lacking in confidence that they think their only hope is to latch onto and control others. If she were an accomplished, independent woman who had a strong sense of self worth, she wouldn't care as much what the rest of the family was doing. She sees everything as a slight against her because she knows in her heart of hearts that she is incompetent, worthless and unlovable. When you add pregnancy hormones and becoming a parent to such deep insecurity, you're going to see all kinds of irrational behavior.
So just don't take her comments to heart.
And reread post 54.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2013 12:00:16 GMT -5
She had Pampered Chef stuff galore on it and she talked about how cheap people were for buying things at Target that were the same items, just not the name brand.
By far my favorite moment at the bridal expo I went to was when the Pampered Chef rep told me I could sign up to be a rep and then have people buy products for me (and make a profit) at my bridal shower!
I could picture my grandmother spinning in her grave. Talk about rude.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 12:02:56 GMT -5
But if they didn't tell her how is she supposed to know that? It just seems really easy to go ahead and throw the shower on the 20th from 12-2, then OP and her mom can head over to the camp ground later that afternoon. While at the camp ground you can brainstorm with the others who couldn't make it your plans to through a surprise shower in September. Life is easy, people make it difficult.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2013 12:03:44 GMT -5
Although that is quite tacky, I will say that some of the things I have dups of from pampered chef and target - they aren't the same. I have been using the same Pampered Chef spatula daily for 12 years. Meanwhile, the Target one lasted months, and just got all dried up and nasty. There are a couple of other things. I have thought about tracking down a Pampered Chef sales person and telling them I will put in a huge order, if they never, ever bug me again.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 21, 2013 12:06:48 GMT -5
My target spatula melted in the fry pan the first time I used it. Tassels fell off the accessory pillows I bought within days, their t-shirts shrink 2 sizes as soon as you wash them, and a straw cup melted in the dishwasher the first time I wash it. I love Target and shop there regularly, but a lot of their stuff is garbage and caters to our disposable nation.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 21, 2013 12:09:14 GMT -5
...:::"NOPE! No way no how! She's done making concessions for everyone else and if they can't make it, then it's their loss!":::...
The only way to beat people like your SIL is to refuse to play on their terms. There are plenty of people who would happily "accept the loss of being unable to attend". She needs to SEE that. If people take the pity-bait, and switch everything around for her, she learns that if she manipulates everyone just right, she'll get her way.
...:::"Okay - great - who's doing all of the planning to make sure everyone has a great time? Deer in the headlights look - What planning?":::...
There it is again, and this goes back EXACTLY to what I said in MMC's thread. Some people manage to avoid taking action, because someone else will save them. These people learn that if they are whiny/annoying/theatrical enough, someone else will decide that its easier to just do the work for them, than deal with their complaining.
But let them wither -- let their expectations explode because nobody took action, and they learn that they need to pull their weight.
I will share one personal story of the time I tried to please two opposite sides. I ended up pissing them BOTH off. It was one of those "leave one early to rush over to the other" deals. I ended up getting stranded in a blizzard and not making it back. The first group was mad I left early (which ended up being for naught) and the second group was mad I never made it. No sympathy for the dude who ended up alone in a cruddy hotel.
The sooner you manage this expectation the better. It kind of happened a second time with one of those "2 important events on the same weekend". Maybe I didn't learn my lesson because I did attend both (at least snow wasn't a possibility in the summer). Setting a precedent that you will not try to be everywhere at once can be valuable. Its probably better to piss one person off as a certainty than risk pissing both people off.
As I frequently say, when all roads lead to mad, why travel any of them.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 21, 2013 12:10:04 GMT -5
Okay - one more response and then I'm back out the door until tonight.
Formerroommate and Thyme - I try my darndest not to say anything in front of her and to be supportive in all areas. I vent on these boards when I'm really going crazy about it all - I don't even talk about her on my blog because she reads it.
Neither her or my mom have any confidence in themselves and I get that. I'm just tired of being the one they see as rational and to "talk some sense into the other one!"
I'm just tired of all of the BS. Venting is helping me to get it out and not blow up at her or my mom. The thing is, the two of them are so alike and they don't see it or admit to it.
SIL has gone so far as to tell me that she wants my mom to have nothing to do with the baby once its here because SIL doesn't believe my mom knows how to take care of children (but she expects my mom to host the shower?). I told SIL to back off thinking that for several reasons - 1) Our mom successfully raised two children into adulthood even with all of her own struggles and 2) This will be the first grandchild from my brother - basically the "golden child" in our family and my mom won't stay away no matter what SIL may say to her.
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