mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 23, 2013 0:01:36 GMT -5
Les, I'm so sorry you're having so much misery. You've had a plate-full for a while now. I don't know how you deal with it all, but I'm impressed! Hugs, hon. I hope things start getting better ... like, yesterday!
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les63
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Post by les63 on Oct 30, 2013 18:32:57 GMT -5
Stay tuned, another rant coming soon.....
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 30, 2013 21:47:03 GMT -5
Stay tuned, another rant coming soon.....
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les63
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Post by les63 on Oct 30, 2013 22:17:21 GMT -5
www.cnn.com/2013/10/25/us/new-york-missing-autistic-teen-despair/index.htmlAnyone heard of this one? While we fight and bicker about stupid crap, kids whether they are special needs or not are forgotten. This is my opinion because I live with autism every day. Noah has what you would call classic autism. He has never spoken a word in nine years. He differs from the children who have regressed. He, I think was born different. In my opinion, autism has increased. Not due to better diagnosing (some hope) and not due to asylums closing. Going from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 50 or less in some cases is better diagnosing just makes me laugh my ass off. Okaaaay. More allergies, more this and that. But hey, that's cool. We're better at diagnosing stuff. Something is going on people, whether in the food, water, vaccines or the combination. I hope if your children are fine, your grandchildren are too. No one in my family has autism/mental retardation. DH is the same. But hey, just guess we drew the unlucky straw. I'm almost done. My DH is still paranoid even though he is on meds that are supposed to help with that. Maybe his head is impervious. I hate my life. I'll leave this with this video from Linkin Park. I like the line: What don't kill you makes you strong.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 30, 2013 22:31:36 GMT -5
Les.
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JustLurkin
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This is what you look like right now.
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Post by JustLurkin on Oct 30, 2013 23:04:49 GMT -5
les63 - Don't know what's going on, but I'm sending you tons of cyber hugs for you. Well said Taz My son was a "regressor". He just doesn't talk...he pretty "normal" other than that. Saw a PBS special that said 1 in 9 kids in NJ has autism. I would bring up group housing options for your husband at his next doctor/therapy appointment. Have *you* had a doctor appointment?
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 31, 2013 0:08:42 GMT -5
Oh Les I so wish I could do more than just listen to you here. I don't know why Noah was born the way he is. But I do know that he has a wonderful mother who cares about him very much. And, despite the theme of the song of "waiting for the light that never comes", there IS light. You are the light of your children and I hope that very soon you'll see some light of your own. Please hang in there and know that we are all pulling for you
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 31, 2013 5:25:25 GMT -5
Oh Les I so wish I could do more than just listen to you here. I don't know why Noah was born the way he is. But I do know that he has a wonderful mother who cares about him very much. And, despite the theme of the song of "waiting for the light that never comes", there IS light. You are the light of your children and I hope that very soon you'll see some light of your own. Please hang in there and know that we are all pulling for you So yeah that!
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Oct 31, 2013 7:04:03 GMT -5
Oh my, this sounds all too familiar. Not autism but looking after someone with a mental illness. The sleeping all day, paranoia, pacing up and down, not washing, refusing to take meds, accusations ....and the utter despair at trying to cope with it. There are loads of different medications, its just getting the right ones in the right doses. In my experience it gets better.....just takes a while. You have my sympathy. I'm so sad you have to go through this.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 31, 2013 7:37:52 GMT -5
Time to take care if yourself. Your husband needs to leave.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 31, 2013 10:22:41 GMT -5
Time to take care if yourself. Your husband needs to leave
You've been a trooper Les, but there is no reason why you should shoulder all this alone. God helps those who help themselves as they say and your DH shows no indication of wanting to help himself. You have enough on your plate it's time to focus on yourself and the kids. DH needs to think about voluntary commitment so he can get the intensive help he seems to need. Or let you go and wallow in his pit. You shouldn't be drug down with him. Les have you read the book The Reason I Jump? It's an amazing book written by a 13 year old Japanese boy and translated by his parents www.amazon.com/The-Reason-Jump-Thirteen-Year-Old-Autism/dp/0812994868/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383232780&sr=8-1&keywords=the+reason+i+jumpOf course the author's experience doesn't apply to everyone but I found it a really insightful read.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 31, 2013 10:26:35 GMT -5
I've got that book on my Kindle wishlist. Someone talked about it on the boards a few months back.
Les, hugs and more hugs for you and your boys.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 31, 2013 15:56:59 GMT -5
Good luck Les no matter what path you take. Take care of yourself first or you can't take care of others. Your children are your responsibility but your husband isn't. You did right trying but sometimes you have to know when trying isn't working. Get the help you can taking care of the kids but you might need to walk away from the marriage.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 1, 2013 20:46:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for replying to my rants. It would be extremely complicated to leave him now. We will celebrate our 10th anniversary next June (Hint, hint) Maybe I'm being a cut-throat person. Buuuut I am looking out for me and my kids. Heck, maybe when he sees the doctor next week on the 7th the Doc will realize that my DH is not getting better? I can't go because the appointment is at 2:30 and Noah gets off the bus before that. My mom thinks this is a big guilt trip from him cheating on me and he just fell apart. I dunno, I'm just tired of it. Thank you all again for letting me get it off my chest. Appreciate it!!!!!
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 1, 2013 21:38:26 GMT -5
I have to add this song. Noah loves riding in the family vehicle. He loves riding the bus every day. There are videos of people filming their daily drives on you tube. It makes Noah feel like he is going for a drive. He responds to it like he is actually in a car. Cool. I love it. Anyhoo...he was watching a video the other day and I thought this was a catchy song.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 1, 2013 21:44:33 GMT -5
Oh, Les. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I wish things were better for you, but wishing just won't make it so. All I can do is let you know we're all here, and we care.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 1, 2013 21:50:41 GMT -5
Oh, Les. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I wish things were better for you, but wishing just won't make it so. All I can do is let you know we're all here, and we care. Ditto.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 26, 2013 18:55:51 GMT -5
Trying not to spoil anyone's Thanksgiving but gee golly wiz. 19 days without a shower. I get the standard, "I know". DH had an appt today but cancelled due to snow. Next appt next Tuesday. I told him he needs therapy on top of the meds. Thank God for my kids. I'm going to spend the next five days decorating for Christmas. My BIL thinks I should get on the Paxil lawsuits. DH was on Paxil for years and stopped cold turkey right before the paranoid behavior started.
Sorry for the jumping around on topics. Just throwing all my thoughts and gripes out there in internet land.
Thanks for reading my vent. No advice needed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2013 19:09:50 GMT -5
Les, we are all rooting for you and hoping for the best.
All I can do is second other people's comments, that your primary responsibility is to your kids, not to your DH.
19 days without a shower. Wow.
Les, I hope you don't mind, but I need to ask you a question. Les, when was the last time YOU went 19 days without a shower? Les, do you know anybody else, even just ONE single person, besides your DH, who went 19 days without a shower? Les, do you know anybody else, even just ONE single person, who lives with anybody who went 19 days without a shower?
Les, seriously, that's not OK. When was the last time YOU went 19 days without a shower? Or your boss, or your colleague, or your mom, or your dad, or your friend, or your sister or brother?
You have two boys. As long as you stick around, your DH will be their role model, like it or not.
So how would you feel if one or both of your DSs decided to go 19 days without a shower? Would that be OK with you?!
Is that what you want for your boys? A dad who can't manage to shower, for 19 days? Given that showering is too much work, I'm guessing he isn't exactly the ideal role model the rest of the time.
Les, I know change can be very, very difficult. But it can be extremely liberating too.
As always I wish you the best. But you have tried, it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe it's time to break away, and save your kids from that toxic, unhealthy environment. I'd also suggest counseling for yourself, to help you get through this very difficult period. Because frankly, there aren't many people on these boards that would find it acceptable to live with a DH that hasn't showered in 19 days. Sorry, but 19 days is a VERY LONG TIME not to take a shower! Surely, on SOME level, you already know this?! And if you don't, know that refusing to shower is one of the classic signs of depression.
They are both boys, and both growing up. Is this what you want for them?! If not, at some point, you will probably need to think about cutting the cord.
Sometimes, as scary as it is, there is no time like the present.
I really admire you for all that you have put up with, and how hard you have tried to make things work. But at this point, nothing is changing. I think that as hard as it is, you need to make a break. Again, your primary responsibility is to your kids, not to your DH. It doesn't need to be permanent, you can always get back together later down the road. But I really think that for your kids' sake, you need to take a break, and teach your kids that there are other ways to live.
Otherwise it will end up being you, and not just your DH, doing a great disservice to your kids. At this point, I think you need to put them first, and break away from your DH, because you've given it about six months now, and visibly, he isn't doing ANY of you ANY good.
At this point, I don't get while you're still there. You probably don't either. But in the meantime, you are doing a HUGE disservice to your kids. Even if it's terrifying to you, they deserve a better environment.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Nov 26, 2013 20:14:41 GMT -5
I can understand why you want to wait until June to hit the 10 year mark for long term marriage but maybe you can just live apart for a bit.
Does anyone know how length of marriage is determined? Also, does a separation, legal or not, stop the clock for length of marriage?
My thinking is separate unofficially then go for a divorce after 10 years of marriage in June. My other thought is that depending on length of time for divorce to occur, one could certainly make it take until after June (a little over 7 months) for divorce to be final.
Les - I think you are doing a remarkable job surviving the situation you are in but I also think you deserve a better living environment. Bottom line question is this: Does your DH really have any desire to get better or is he just using treatment to placate you?
Please know that whatever you do, whatever you determine to be the right course of action, we will be here for you. Sending love, hugs, and prayers - like other have said I wish there was more we could do.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Nov 26, 2013 20:35:04 GMT -5
End of marriage is when thendicocemis filed. Doesn't matter if they live apart. DH needs to go.
ETA: The divorce is filed. Stoopid iPad.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 27, 2013 7:24:29 GMT -5
What will she get if she waits and has 10 years under her belt? It isn't like he has a job and will pay her alimony. And I doubt she will get any CS. His pension? Does he have one? Even so, would it be worth it to wait? Does that say to her boys that 'money cures everything.' Too many options for her, this isn't the 1950s.
And on the off chance that she is not wanting to do anything because 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health'. People will talk (the ones who know nothing about what she has put up with) and say that she bailed when things got bad. She will have to hold her head up, ignore the comments and go on with her life.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Nov 27, 2013 10:35:12 GMT -5
What will she get if she waits and has 10 years under her belt? It isn't like he has a job and will pay her alimony. And I doubt she will get any CS. His pension? Does he have one? Even so, would it be worth it to wait? Does that say to her boys that 'money cures everything.' Too many options for her, this isn't the 1950s.
And on the off chance that she is not wanting to do anything because 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health'. People will talk (the ones who know nothing about what she has put up with) and say that she bailed when things got bad. She will have to hold her head up, ignore the comments and go on with her life. I think it's 10 years to be able to claim social security on your spouses earnings. She didn't bail when things got bad. She bailed when it became unsafe for her and the children to live with him anymore.
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 27, 2013 11:23:45 GMT -5
I'd suggest talking to a divorce attorney sooner than later to find out whether then 10 years will help or hurt you. In some states that's the length of marriage to get alimony, so a mentally ill husband who can't work/function could possibly get alimony from his wife after 10 years. Just a thought, it varies so much that you need advice for where you are.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 27, 2013 13:49:27 GMT -5
Yes, it's 10 yrs for SS unless the rules have changed.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 27, 2013 16:01:42 GMT -5
But if he hasn't worked in a while, she will probably do better to file on her own money when the time comes.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 27, 2013 20:12:05 GMT -5
To clarify, 10 years does mean social security. He has more working history than me. I'm not working at the moment and haven't worked for 12 years.
And it would be major to kick him out. Being a single parent is hard enough but Noah has severe autism. School holidays and summer vacation would hurt my chances. There are programs to have people watch kids that are like Noah.
But I have a nonverbal child and he is someone so just waiting for someone to hurt him. I know I'm paranoid. Put yourselves in my shoes.
Once again, just replying and don't need advice. I don't think anyone here has been in this situation.
Just really enjoy you all giving me support online. I really, really appreciate anyone who responds to this thread.
I hope you all have a Blessed Thanksgiving tomorrow!!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 27, 2013 20:18:04 GMT -5
Happy Thanksgiving
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 27, 2013 21:38:21 GMT -5
To clarify, 10 years does mean social security. He has more working history than me. I'm not working at the moment and haven't worked for 12 years. And it would be major to kick him out. Being a single parent is hard enough but Noah has severe autism. School holidays and summer vacation would hurt my chances. There are programs to have people watch kids that are like Noah. But I have a nonverbal child and he is someone so just waiting for someone to hurt him. I know I'm paranoid. Put yourselves in my shoes. Once again, just replying and don't need advice. I don't think anyone here has been in this situation. Just really enjoy you all giving me support online. I really, really appreciate anyone who responds to this thread. I hope you all have a Blessed Thanksgiving tomorrow!! You are a single parent. A guy who can't find it in him to shower for three weeks probably isn't a ball of fire in the fatherhood department.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 27, 2013 21:46:55 GMT -5
I think that Les is doing the right thing by waiting for the tenth anniversary of the marriage to pass because she has to think about her future income. This is a serious issue for older divorced women who didn't wait for the ten year anniversary before divorcing. Les, did you ever get the disability app filled out for your husband ?
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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