les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 20:07:56 GMT -5
Ok, I'm the woman that posted months ago about her husband cheating on her back in Washington state and moving to New York state. Where her husband was still in contact with his "lover" back there. This is an update and this is a vent thread. Well, I think she broke it off with him. So after that he had two jobs that fell through. He has been in such a decline for awhile. We have a nine year old with autism who is more on the severe side. No savant here. This is the real deal. His cousin and I had him committed a week ago. He had gotten that bad. Depressed with a side of delusional paranoia. Such fun. Not. Like I said I am just venting tonight. I just wonder sometimes if I am in some weird experiment testing me on how I would react and how much more I can take. I'm just wondering if more is just around the couner and WTF?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 21:37:46 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2013 20:16:28 GMT -5
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,682
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on May 25, 2013 20:23:07 GMT -5
Les, I think it's your husband who's in trouble, not you. He left to be with someone else because he could not handle reality. Apparently, she's dumped him, he's in the dumps and still cannot come to grips. Meanwhile, you've carried on, and made an incredibly tough decision that no parent ever want to make, or can ever imagine making. You did it because you love your boy, but also because you know he needs more help than you alone can provide. On the contrary, I think you're handling things as best you can. When you're in the middle of it all, and all you can hear is the howling storm, it probably does not seem like it. But give yourself credit. You did not walk away from the seemingly insurmountable issues.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 25, 2013 20:30:52 GMT -5
All the best, and vent away hon.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 20:34:21 GMT -5
<p>I am so stressing right now. My son, Noah is acting out more than normal. He realizes his dad isn't here. <br><br>It was so bad before he was committed. He thought people were here to hurt/kill him; he wouldn't leave the house for 2 weeks. Followed me around. Lost weight. Thought I knew when they were going to get him. The last 2 nights before he was committted I slept with the fireplace poker next to me. My sixteen year old son locked his bedroom door and had a knife ready. He slept on the couch with a softball bat near him.</p>
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,500
|
Post by Tennesseer on May 25, 2013 20:38:36 GMT -5
Les-tonight you and your other son are safe. So too is your other son. Take it one day at a time.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,228
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on May 25, 2013 20:41:50 GMT -5
I must admit, I'm confused. Was it your husband who needed to be committed, or your son. Either way, <HUGS> for everything you're going through! And, vent away. That's what we're here for!
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 25, 2013 20:46:32 GMT -5
I'm just a bit confused too... If I understand this correctly, it's the husband she and cousin had committed - for the depression, I assume.
And the autistic son Noah is acting out so everyone at home is on alert and sleeping with one eye open.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 20:48:25 GMT -5
The hospital is still adjusting his drugs. Currently he is on Haldol and he does seem better. Still a bit argumentative on the phone. He doesn't have control on what is happening here at home. I think I am just realizing that with his upbringing/early life that this has been coming for years. Like an out of control freight train. Even though he doesn't mind Noah's autism, I don't believe him. His recent behavior proves that.
Thank you for the support. Like I said, this is a vent. I'll know what to do either way from this. Just need put it out there.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 21:37:46 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2013 20:52:21 GMT -5
It sounds lile you did the most horribly tough and yet completely right thing for all of you. As a mother you have acted to protect your children, and as a decent human being you have also protected your husband from hurting himself and others. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Vent on anytime.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 20:52:28 GMT -5
It was my husband that was committed. Sorry if I confused you. Noah is just acting out more without his dad here. Just my feelings on that. He has been hell on wheels last weekend and this one. And it doesn't help that it is a four day weekend with Memorial Day. Ouch.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 25, 2013 20:57:22 GMT -5
I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. Does your ex have a history of mental illness? Stress and depression are one thing but paranoia is another. Hopefully he is getting the care he needs.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,228
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on May 25, 2013 21:01:55 GMT -5
Transitions can be REALLY rough on autistic kids. And the situation with your husband must've been a doozy. I agree that even a 3-day holiday weekend can throw off my own DS. Hang in there, & give your DS time to process the "new normal".
Les, feel free to PM me if your DS doesn't settle down after a couple more weeks. I've been thru a lot of "behavioral training" with my own DS, & might be able to help. (Or if all else fails, suggest types of therapy professionals to check in with). Autistic behaviors can be a real rollercoaster ride.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 21:08:15 GMT -5
Shooby, he is not my exhusband. There is mental illness on his side. Both of his parents are dead. They divorced when he was six. By all accounts his dad was depressed afterwards. His dad never remarried and my husband and his brother were raised with the help of their dad's grandparents. They were immigrants from Germany and their grandfather was a jerk (in the stories I heard). Tough guy as that generation was, old school Baverian.
Anyway, I need to decide if I want to stay married to him. I just feel I don't know him anymore. I feel that when Noah gets too big for me to handle him, he will be put in a group home. With all the past crap and now this I need to be able to stay on my feet if my husband dumps me.
I hope I am making sense to all who are reading this. You have no idea how the last year has affected my self esteem and now this. I feel so paralyzed and it really sucks!!
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 25, 2013 21:32:32 GMT -5
Last post for tonight. This marriage isn't going to work out without counseling. I have too much built up anger and frustration. I want to type more but I'm really tired.
Thank you for letting me vent.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 25, 2013 21:40:11 GMT -5
You're making perfect sense now, les - and maybe take Busymom up on her offer - I think she has some shared experience dealing with an autistic child. As for your husband, all you can do for now is let him get the treatment he so desperately needs and don't rush into any big life-changing decisions until you see how he's responding to that treatment.
With mental illness in his family, it might (in the long run) mean having to walk away - but you should at least give him (and of course yourself and son) time to adjust to this roller-coaster ride you're all on.
Please take care of yourself, your 16 y/o son, and of course, Noah. He's going to have a much harder time adjusting to this change from *his* normal.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 21:37:46 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2013 21:40:32 GMT -5
It is ok, Les. Figure out what is best for you and your child. Your estranged husband is only sort of in the equation. That is only because you had a child together. But if he is isn't competent, it's a whole different ballgame.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 25, 2013 21:57:56 GMT -5
Get some sleep, les. I can't tell you the world will look brighter tomorrow, but it'll be easier to handle with a good night's sleep. I'm so sorry ... so very sorry. Don't forget yourself through all this. You need help, too. Some things we just can't do alone no matter how tough we are.
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 26, 2013 6:58:46 GMT -5
Take one day at a time. Even 1 hour at a time. I know depression can't just be turned off and on, but your DH's girlfriend rejection sent him over the top. Maybe she saw his illness and left. Or maybe the excitement wore off, who knows? Yes, you have to decide if you want to go back to him. But that decision doesn't have to be made right now. And remember, if you decide to give your marriage a second chance, it is not a lifetime sentence.
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 16,872
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
Member is Online
|
Post by toomuchreality on May 26, 2013 7:16:55 GMT -5
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,682
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on May 26, 2013 7:41:50 GMT -5
OK, sorry I misunderstood. I thought it was the son also. But you still did the right thing. You have to step up and take action when action is warranted. In this case, you can make other decisions, now that you have put physical space between yourself and your husband, on what to do next. No call from me on whether divorce or remaining together is right or not. You are the only one who knows what happens now.
Point is: you need to be safe. Your kids need to be safe. Your husband needs to commit himself to treatment - if he can in fact, make the judgment call. If his illness renders him incapable of doing so, then you must understand that the rest of your life, and the lives of your children, may be lived with a baseball bat at your sides, ready to defend yourselves against the actions of a man who may not deliberately mean to cause you harm, but likely cannot help himself. All the court papers, all the verbal promises on earth will not stop him if his goal/plan/decision is to harm you. Again, I repeat: mental illness may well make him incapable of judging the difference between right and wrong, between what is and is not acceptable behavior. You cannot make him keep doctor's appointments, make him take/regulate his meds.
Dealing with mental illness is like crossing a tightrope - standing on your hands while blindfolded. There's no way anyone should stay around and try it, but people do, because they love the family member or friend, all the while wondering just what they got themselves into.
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 26, 2013 8:03:34 GMT -5
Does your DH have a job?
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,243
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on May 26, 2013 9:47:25 GMT -5
Les, I'm glad you managed your latest hurdle. Feel free to vent away. I hope your extended weekend is more peaceful even though Noah isn't his usual self.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 21:37:46 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2013 9:50:21 GMT -5
Vent away!!!
And remember, it is ok to take it 1 step at a time instead of feeling pressured to have the rest of your life figured out.
Just take it 1 day and 1 step at a time.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 26, 2013 9:52:18 GMT -5
Hugs. I have no advice for you but I can listen/read any venting you want to share.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on May 26, 2013 20:03:13 GMT -5
Thank you for the well wishes and support. I talk to him everyday. He still isn't quite right; I have to tippy toe around with what we talk about. He is still suspicious and makes me feel he is not ready to come back home. It is hard because he misses Noah so much. I just want the old DH back and have no idea if that is possible.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 26, 2013 20:09:45 GMT -5
Hi les. I am a little confused regarding the backstory. Has he been living with you all of this time or were you separated for a period of time? And, are you talking with his doctors about his prognosis? They should be able to give you some inkling of how long his recovery might take.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,682
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on May 27, 2013 9:37:35 GMT -5
Thank you for the well wishes and support. I talk to him everyday. He still isn't quite right; I have to tippy toe around with what we talk about. He is still suspicious and makes me feel he is not ready to come back home. It is hard because he misses Noah so much. I just want the old DH back and have no idea if that is possible. I was glad to read this. It means you are realistic about the situation, and understand the possibility of not getting the "old DH" back, no matter how much you want him. You seem very much ready, willing and able to work on the issues, but also mindful of the fact that you and your children need to be safe. Be cautious, rather than afraid. Step forward and onward with your life, because you must, and because you have two minor children who depend on you. Your DH is in the safest place he can be, with people he can work with. But once stabilized, the onus of moving forward with his life and his disease must be on him. If you move on together as a family, that's great. If you cannot move on together, you are still a family; he is still the father of your children, and still part of your lives.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,228
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on May 27, 2013 11:08:50 GMT -5
I think you're doing a great job, Les! I think talking with someone who is outside the situation is a great idea. There are many questions when it comes to mental illness, & often no cut-and-dry answers. As long as you put your own safety, and the safety of your kids first, which it sounds like you're doing, don't feel like a failure if it turns out your DH will not be rejoining your family.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on May 27, 2013 13:50:10 GMT -5
Last post for tonight. This marriage isn't going to work out without counseling. I have too much built up anger and frustration. I want to type more but I'm really tired. Thank you for letting me vent. Are you considering living with this nut? Why?
|
|