NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 22, 2013 15:49:09 GMT -5
Oh Les I am so sorry, stay safe.
X1000
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 22, 2013 16:23:09 GMT -5
Les, do what you have to do. Good that one of the kids is out of the house, at least for now. I'm glad you are physically protecting yourself, but use of physical force should be a last resort. Legally, it can get messy. I'm not suggesting you don't defend yourself if it comes to that. A better idea is to put sufficient distance between you (with Noah) and your DH so that physical violence does not become an issue.
Your DH could be re-hospitalized if it comes to that, of course. But such a move temporarily helps you, at best. He can't stay there forever, and you cannot keep up the yo-yo routine of worry, fear, hope, watching, waiting and starting all over again. It will kill you.
You need an exit plan. It may need to be a permanent one. Or at least a temporary one that leads to a permanent one. A local shelter is a good start. Know what you need to do to get in touch with one, have your important stuff packed - papers, passports, clothes, meds, money, bank information. I know it's your house, but getting to safety is paramount first. You can always go back later. You cannot go back if you are dead. You cannot take Noah back there if he's killed. I know you've accepted at this point that there may be no good end to this for you as a family. It's OK. Sometimes, there isn't. There is surviving and starting over with what you have. But you have to be able to get out if it comes to that.
Keep letting us know how things are going.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 22, 2013 21:32:13 GMT -5
This first part is for mmhmm: a side effect for the med he is on is tremors. He slept most of the afternoon. I woke him up to feed him and give him his second dose for the day. Ate and back to bed. He is getting there slowly but surely. It is hard, I have felt like a single parent for weeks. His younger brother is two hours away. He flew from California with his four year old son. He will be here on Tuesday. Wish he was here tomorrow. I know in this day in age that everyone has their own worries and families. I understand this. I just feel so lonely and helpless. Thank God for my Mom, talk to her every night; they live less than 3 hours away. Noah is off school for 2 more weeks. The days really drag when you get up early. There is only so much that I can do, as DH doesn't help much. We rent a house that was built in 1968 and is a split level. Noah is gated off from the downstairs. There is only so much I can clean topside. And I am a clean freak. I just need to keep moving thru the day; not a person that can sit still. I watched some TV today, but Noah keeps me busy. He can't stay still either. I'm just venting again. I hope by the Fall that Noah will have Medicaid. What a long progress it is now. Went thru it with Nathaniel when he was a baby. A lot longer now; thanks to all the fraud out there (bastards). We got the bill for DH's two week stay. $21,000 dollars. Don't have a mental break if you don't have insurance. Trying to keep my humor thru this. Told myself along time ago; never get fat and never, ever get depressed again that I need hospitalization. Kept both of those. No offense to anyone reading my vent. Thanks again for putting up with my rambling. My brain is just semi frying as if you couldn't tell.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2013 21:44:54 GMT -5
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 23, 2013 14:34:24 GMT -5
For someone going though hell, you sound pretty sane to me, les. At least, as sane as someone can be under the circumstances. Keep busy and remain vigilant. Don't give into fear (although some tears might be a good tension-reliever). Know what your next steps will be. Make sure your plans are a few steps ahead of your current life situation.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jun 23, 2013 15:43:13 GMT -5
Les, stay strong and remember to breathe.... Is the hospital doing the Medicaid application for your DH as well as your children? The social worker at the hospital should have helped you with that. I'm not sure about NY but I know that in CA, the Medicaid approval will be retroactive and they would cover the hospitalization. Did the social worker set your DH up with a psychiatrist and therapist? They should have helped setup followup care while he was hospitalized. If he is having problems with taking his medication, can you get him to consider a Long Acting Injectable? These are antipsychotic medications that you don't take every day- just once every few weeks. Haldol comes in one (so does Risperdal, Abilify, Invega, and Zyprexxa). The Haldol injectable is relatively inexpensive because it is older (The others are the newer ones and are expensive-they run from $500-$2k a month). If you can get him when he is clearer, you may be able to get him to agree to getting the shot. I know it's not ideal but it is an option, especailly if he is going to have days where he doesn't want to take the medication.
The Haldol does cause tremors and has a lot of side effects (It is an first generation antipsychotic that can cause a lot of tremors and other issues). Did they give him medicine to counter the side effects (benztropine, diphenhydramine/Benadryl)? If so, it is important he take those while taking the Haldol. Was Haldol the only medicine they considered? The second generation medications (Abilify, Zyprexa, Risperdal, Seroquel, Invega, etc) are a lot better for side effects and he wouldn't need the extra medication. They can be more expensive but you can find deals if you look (Generic Risperdal can be gotten at Costco for like $23 a month...... The brand meds can run like $700 a month).
I know this was a lot of questions/information but the hospital should have worked with you to determine this stuff. If he won't take the Haldol, it doesn't matter that it is the cheapest because it does no good. The social worker and case manager should have made sure he had adequate followup care and was put on a medicine that you can afford and that he will take.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 23, 2013 20:56:36 GMT -5
Okay, breathing deeply here. You would have thought the hospital would have helped me more. As is, I was in the dark, children at home be damned (especially a special needs child). I guess the system works different now. More for the mental person maybe? Anyway, the meds are kicking in and he is taking them. Sleeping quite a bit and I think he did that at the hospital when he started taking them. I keep him fed and taking his twice daily doses. I'm getting out of the house tomorrow. I'm going grocery shopping and going to go to a tanning salon. I would love to have a pedicure done one of these days too. (Never had that or a manicure) I have made mistakes in my life that have made me strong. I know I need to give him time but right now I so want to move out and get my own place for the boys. I am not going to stay in a marriage just for the kids, uh uh. Right now, Noah is in the Medicaid mess process. Thanks to all the fraud, the legitimate ones suffer. I'm going to call my Medicaid representative and get Nathaniel in the system. Tomorrow I need to call about the $21,000.00 bill for his two week stay. I would like to give them $10,000 and make payments after that. I think raising Noah as a stay at home mom for the last 9 years has helped. My inner strength is showing. Sometimes you just don't know how much you lose of yourself when you get married. When you have to depend on yourself again it is inspiring in a way. You realize that you are stronger then you think. Thank you again for letting me ramble and vent. I appreciate all the responses.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 23, 2013 21:08:35 GMT -5
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 23, 2013 23:50:43 GMT -5
Les you are really and truly inspiring. Stay strong hon.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 24, 2013 0:02:57 GMT -5
Glad you checked in with us Les! You are one strong Lady! All you can do, you are doing. I'd still see if you can get help with that $21,000 bill, before you make any payments. That's just crazy for them to expect that, with everything else you're dealing with.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 24, 2013 9:29:30 GMT -5
Les, we're glad to know you're still OK and making tough decisions. Many, many people cannot and will not do what needs to be done, staying because of the kids, because they think things will change, because they are afraid, because they feel like a failure if they leave. Good for you for doing what's necessary.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 24, 2013 9:35:33 GMT -5
Les, we're here for you - or at least as much as anonymous online people can be. But hugs and more hugs.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 24, 2013 14:41:04 GMT -5
You're doing great! You are a lot stronger than you think, so just keep taking it day by day and doing what you can. Let all the unecessary stuff go for now.
And, I too would definitely see what kind of payments you could set up for the $21k FIRST before offering or even mentioning giving them $10k. Perhaps you should hold on to as much cash as you can right now. Good luck and keep venting as much as you need to!
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 24, 2013 21:48:01 GMT -5
Thank you all. You make me want to cry. Really, thank you for your encouragement. It was a frustrating day. Doesn't help that it was a hot day. Northeast heat wave. Thank goodness we had a thunderstorm this afternoon that dropped the temp and humidity. Whew! It was still in the low seventies this morning at 9 o'clock. I called the credit union on the West coast that holds the loan for the Durango. Got DH on the phone for them to confirm it was ok to talk to me. I just want them to send me a payment coupon book. Oh no, can't do that. The way DH has it set up is that he transfers money around. He told me he doesn't quite remember how he did that. We owe less than 7 thousand on it. It is a creampuff. 2007 and just turned over to 37,000 miles. This is my vehicle. With his inheritance he bought a 2012 Dodge truck and paid for it with cash. I would be heartbroken and pissed if my baby get repossessed over this situation. Did leave the house today. Went to a tanning salon. This will be my anniversary and birthday present rolled into one. Our anniversary is this Wednesday. Nine years married and we've been together I think twelve years now. Still want to have a pedicure done, just to say I've had one. DH's brother will be here tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully I can clean him up a bit. He needs to shave. I don't want him scaring his nephew who is only 4. Between the three of us I hope we can straighten the finances up. If you pray, please pray for us. Ugh. It's amazing that I can still smile. Thanks you guys.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 24, 2013 22:05:07 GMT -5
Just my humble opinion, but if you actually have the $10,000, I'd use $7,000 of it to pay off your Durango. You're going to need some transportation. Is it in your name?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 24, 2013 22:29:28 GMT -5
Oh, Les, hon, it's so good to read your posts and know you're okay! The tremors are to be expected as a side-effect of the medication. For some people, they get better as the individual adjusts to the medication. For others, a change in medication is sometimes necessary. The sleeping, too, is normal when started on Haldol. That will get better, as long as it is caused by the Haldol and not by depression. At this stage, it's sometimes hard to tell.
I wouldn't worry about that darned hospital bill. Considering your husband can't work due to his illness, there should be some program to take care of that. That's what I, your husband, and others, have paid taxes for all these years! Getting the boys on MedicAid is an excellent course of action. I'm really glad your BIL will be there tomorrow. That will give you someone to sit down and talk to, face to face, and try to figure out what you're going to do and what kind of support you'll have. It may also help your DH to see his brother.
You're hanging in there like a champ! This is tough going no matter who you are, or how strong you may be. All of us here are with you, and here to "listen". I just wish I could do more!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 25, 2013 9:22:07 GMT -5
I agree with Busy. You need transportation. Pay it off so you get the heck outta Dodge (no pun intended) ASAP.
Can you be brutally honest with your brother-in-law? If so, do so. Tell him what is going on, and if there is a sufficient level of trust, tell him what you plan to do next. I would not reveal where you plan to go specifically, however, (if you have an address in mind) because it's important for your safety to keep that to yourself. Tell your BIL you love him, and your nephew, too. They are family, they are not at fault here, and you will need each other.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 25, 2013 20:24:40 GMT -5
Ok, today. For whatever the reason DH is not acting like he did in the hospital with this med. I don't know if it is because he was off it for two weeks? Experimenting here and only having him take one pill a day. Frustrating the way the hospital handled the whole thing. I'm in the dark literally.
His brother and nephew finally showed up at 4:45 PM. The genes in that family. The boys are like carbon copies of their dads. He is like a mini-me to his dad. He is a cutie. Four years old and skinny. Oh, I remember Noah at that age; all limbs. And Noah looks just like his dad and grandfather combined (scary, lol)
More good news: received Medicaid cards for all four of us today. Need to find out that maybe this will cut the $21,000 bill in half. Even a quarter would help. It was interesting today with his brother here for a bit. Then his cousin showed up with her daughter. It was great and I think with my BIL here we can get things done. I want to pay everything off and just have the rent and utilities to worry about.
Thank you all again for your support. This has been hard. I space a lot out so I don't get down myself. Taking care of Noah and the house keeps me busy. Although I'm watching more TV in the afternoon. Damn, I've missed out on a lot!! Especially the buying wedding gowns shows. What a hoot!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 25, 2013 22:24:25 GMT -5
So DH was acting better today ? And yeah I know about hospitals and drugs, no need to explain.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 26, 2013 10:04:21 GMT -5
Les, you sound like you are doing fine. It's OK to "space out" sometimes, because we all need to do that. Just keep that plan of action together, know where you will go and what you will take if you have to run. Everything will be paid for/dealt with/taken care of, but only if you survive long enough to do so. Staying alive and healthy is paramount to doing everything else. Glad you have people you can count on there with you.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 26, 2013 11:42:05 GMT -5
Les, you sound like you are doing fine. It's OK to "space out" sometimes, because we all need to do that. Just keep that plan of action together, know where you will go and what you will take if you have to run. Everything will be paid for/dealt with/taken care of, but only if you survive long enough to do so. Staying alive and healthy is paramount to doing everything else. Glad you have people you can count on there with you.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 26, 2013 12:12:01 GMT -5
Call & talk to the hospital about the bill. In your situation you should not even be attempting to pay the whole thing & the hospital should work with you on lowering it. I agree with the others - put $7K towards the car. It sounds like you are doing well considering the situation. You must be a very strong woman.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 26, 2013 22:05:41 GMT -5
Today was um, interesting. Went to PA, it's about 20 to 30 minutes away. Cigarettes are much cheaper there. So loaded DH and Noah up for the drive. DH was in his typical zombie mood, but Noah had fun. Made a doctor's appt for DH today; after explaining my fears they were able to see him at 5:45 PM instead of July 9th. Yea me. His brother and cousin came over to two team him. Thank goodness he agreed to go to the appt. Another cousin came over to watch Noah during the appt. The doctor seems concerned. DH was cooperative for some things. Cancer runs rampant in the family; his dad had brain cancer and both sides of grandparents had some form of cancer. We would like DH to get an MRI and another blood workup. He is covered by Medicaid, but he is still up in arms about money. Right there in the examining room his brother offered to pay for his MRI. We just want to be sure that this turn of his isn't organic. He is soo stubborn. Just doesn't seem to want the help. I understand this is his mental state, but you still want to shake him. I don't think the doctor knows what to do either. The way he is right now is worrying. Now the doctor thinks weaning off of Haldol the next two days and see how he does is A-ok? Uh uh. No way. He is staying on it even if it is 5 ml day. He was off it for almost 2 weeks and he got buggy in a week. His relatives live 30 minutes away and my parents are almost 3 hours away. Are you freaking kidding me? I did call about the hospital stay with the $21,000 bill and let them know he is on Medicaid now. Gave her the ID number and she sent it on to billing. So much on my mind right now. I need to write stuff down. I so feel I am single again; never thought I would feel like this when I'm still married. Thank you all again for the replies. For reading my updates and not judging me. Well, for just putting up with me.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 26, 2013 22:10:31 GMT -5
Honey post whatever you need to. Les all my siblings are on some form of antidepressant or should be cause they self medicate. I know about buggy and strange.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 27, 2013 1:02:57 GMT -5
les -
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jun 27, 2013 5:40:07 GMT -5
les, you said in a previous post that you were going for a spa treatment and now you post that you are buying cigarettes. Yet, you applied for Medicaid to pay for your husband's medicines. Why are you choosing to fund those things? If your DH had been turned down for Medicaid, you could have used your money to pay for them.
Not criticizing, but just wondering what your priorities are.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 27, 2013 6:23:48 GMT -5
I understand where you're coming from, happyscooter, but this isn't the time for les to stop smoking (if it's Les who smokes and not her husband). The worst thing she can do at this point is to pile on more stress and quitting smoking is highly stressful. There'll be time to worry about that when this crisis is past.
Les, why was your husband off the medication for two weeks in the first place? Medications like Haldol are not things you should stop and start. I definitely agree with you that weaning him off Haldol while he's at home with you and your son is NOT a good idea. If the doc wants to wean him off, let him do it in hospital where there's some control! I am curious as to why they chose Haldol, though and wonder if the doctor he saw yesterday is a general practitioner, a psychiatrist, an internist ... what? The zombie-like behavior may be the Haldol, or it may be just your husband's way of dealing with depression. Sometimes, it's darned hard to tell.
Good to hear you got the MedicAid going. That's going to take a load off your mind. Also, glad you've got the BIL there for support. Does he live fairly close by so he can help you with all this mess?
You're one tough cookie, hon, and you should be very, very proud for the way you're handling all this. Spacin' out now and then is good for everybody. If you're under stress, it's even better! Please keep us updated. I watch this thread daily. You're one of us and we're here for you as much as we can be with miles and miles between us. Hugs!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 27, 2013 8:26:46 GMT -5
Les, it sounds like you are trying to work in some normal with the crazy, for lack of a better way to put it. That's fine. That's all you can do. Don't pile excessive stress on top of yourself right now. Keep things to a minimum and deal with what you have to deal with; save the rest for later.
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Icelandic Woman
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Post by Icelandic Woman on Jun 27, 2013 16:22:46 GMT -5
Les honey, I haven't posted with you in a long time. I think the last time was while you were still trying to sell your house to move to NY. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, but you are hanging in there and I know you will come out of this a stronger person. Keep your head up and stay strong!!! My thoughts and big hugs are with you!! If you ever have a Friday night that you just need to take a break, my board is still around and we still do Friday trivia so come on over and vent to us we would love to have you!!!
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 27, 2013 20:50:07 GMT -5
Okaaaaaaay, this is addressed to happyscooter: No where in my replies did I say a spa. A pedicure is not a spa. Pedicure places are at every mall, etc. in the country. And I said I'd like to have one. Doesn't mean I'm going to get one. Going to a tan place is not being extravagant; there are deals. I have no idea if you have read my past posts. My life has not been going well lately. Not to get snippy but, put yourself in my shoes. I have a nine year old son with classic autism (nonverbal, not potty trained, most likely has a mental age of 3 or 4 if I'm lucky) and now I have a husband that has been a powerhouse (working wise) that has totally collapsed mentally.
Now his own brother is telling me I might have to walk away. What? DH is acting like Noah. I'm not that type a person. I will try to get him the help he needs. I see right now why this country is down on the list for helping mental patients. I'm living it.
I'm not screwing the system. We have not had health insurance for months. I can pay for me, but DH and Noah will definitely need a lot more than me. Unless I turn out to have something bad. Not to be pessimistic but I feel that is the next hammer to fall. Cancer runs in my family too. I haven't taken care of myself because I worry about everyone else.
I could go on and on. Noah has issues with his toe walking. The toe walking is killing his feet. It is very hard to take him to the doctor or dentist. He freaks out. Just love the looks. He almost needs to be sedated to go to these appointments. Gee, golly. Knock your kid out, fun times. I just wish some of you that have issues with what I've posted about come visit. Like I said, walk a day in my shoes.
Mmhmm, I'll answer your questions in the next post.
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