Very sensitive thread

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

I am in half a mind not to post this but I feel in the long run it may help others and I may get advice.

This is very sensitive, heartbreaking and terrifying for me. 

Today I learned from my DD best friend that they DD and boyfriend had an argument outside Walgreens that I was not aware of and apparently I am not aware of a few things.

He hit his bumper and so the best friend said that he went mental screaming at DD and that she got in the car with him to go home and he was screaming at her and blaming her, all the time she was texting best friend about what to do. Best friend said the texts indicate she was frightened and that best friend felt like she was in danger because he was totally mental with anger.

Can someone give me advice on how to approach this.

I first felt that I would speak to his mother but then I thought he might take that as an attack from her. Do I speak to DD and tell her I know, do I speak to them both together and get him and her into counselling ASAP, him into anger management. Do I speak to her about domestic violence.

I feel a bit snookered by him and that she is really not telling me things, I didn't think she was holding back but best friend stated the arguments happen frequently but to this degree I am not sure how often. I know they are teenagers and I know she pushes his buttons as well but because I know his background I believe that at some point he could be involved in a domestic violence incident with her.

I am heartbroken and scared for her. I have talked about all her options but as 12 weeks now I don't think she can have an abortion and that leaves scars as well.

The best friend is worried about it too and I don't know what to do. I never thought she would put herself in this position and I am horrified. She is still seeing her friends so at this point he is not alienating her from her friends but now I know I see some bad juju from him.

Please help me.

[Deleted]

I would : Talk to her, but realize she might not tell you everything. Make sure she knows she can always come to you, even come home if she wants to, and you will help her. Suggest counseling. Remind her its the baby too.

I had a bad temper when I was younger and got in more thn one yelling match with a guy. Physical violence is another mater. That said, you are working on second hand knowledge... You might not have all the details. 

I would not speak to his mother. 

[kittensaver]

One word: therapy.

For each of you (you and DD), but separately. You both need an objective third party to talk to.

[Deleted]

First, I wouldn't tell DD that her friend told me what happened. I wouldn't want DD to stop talking to her friend because she felt that she "snitched" and then DD ends up with no allies. That's what happens sometimes in these situations.

I would talk to DD about how her BF treats her, but not approach it with accusations, more like I'm just interested in how they interact with each other, to see what she says. If you make accusations, she might never tell you anything.

Most of all, I'd tell her what I told my daughter. That she NEVER has to stay in a situation where she's being mistreated. As long as I have a place to lay my head, she has a place to go if she needs to escape a bad situation. So many women stay in bad situations because they don't have anywhere to go. She can't stay indefinitely, but she can always come home to regroup if she really needs to and I want her to know that.

Really, the only thing you can do is talk to her. But you have to be very careful with your approach. I'm not sure I would say anything to the BF based on what I heard, unless it came from DD. I'd have to think about that some more. I'm just giving you what immediately comes to my mind. 

I'm very sorry about what your daughter's friend told you. But I'm glad for you and your daughter that she did tell you.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

I believe it because I have been witness to two arguments where he has done the same thing except they were not together, it was over the phone, but it was the same...blaming her.

[swamp]

After you hear him berate her again, and you know it will happen again, ask her if she wants the baby to be spoken to like that. 

[Deleted]

He blamed her for what? Getting pregnant? Did he hit things, or her?

If you overheard something, that would be a good starting point for cautious conversation.

[Deleted]

I reread your post. I wouldn't be worried about getting him into counseling or anger management. I'd be worried about my daughter and the baby she's carrying. There's a problem with her if she's willing to stay with a BF whose behavior frightens her or worse. Addressing that would be my priority, not trying to correct the BF's behavior.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

I'm frightened.

[Deleted]

Kids growing up and making bad choices is scary 

[swamp]

May 11, 2013 21:48:11 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I reread your post. I wouldn't be worried about getting him into counseling or anger management. I'd be worried about my daughter and the baby she's carrying. There's a problem with her if she's willing to stay with a BF whose behavior frightens her or worse. Addressing that would be my priority, not trying to correct the BF's behavior.

BF sounds like an immature brat. The only thing that's going to fix him is time. 

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

As Swamp said, he is berating her. One argument was when he was driving to an interview and couldn't find it and he kept calling her and screaming at her that she didn't give him good enough directions. The other time was at her appointment he couldn't find the OB and kept calling her and screaming at her, it's like he won't/can't accept something going wrong and then blames her.

[swamp]

May 11, 2013 21:51:25 GMT -5 Queen of Interesting Nuts said:

As Swamp said, he is berating her. One argument was when he was driving to an interview and couldn't find it and he kept calling her and screaming at her that she didn't give him good enough directions. The other time was at her appointment he couldn't find the OB and kept calling her and screaming at her, it's like he won't/can't accept something going wrong and then blames her.

Apparently he doesn't know how to use mapquest or a GPS. 

Hopefully she'll come to her senses. Let her know she's welcome home. Any time. 

[Deleted]

Well, the first thing you need to do before you talk to your daughter is calm down. I know you're expressing your emotions here, but I want you to make sure you're as calm as you can be when you talk to her. You need to be able to think clearly so you don't mess it up.

I understand though. I'd be upset too if I were you. 

[Cass]

I'm not sure where you are, but our clinics will do abortions up to 20 weeks.  Worth a call maybe (?)

Sorry you are scared

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

Thanks Pink, it'a 11m here so it won't be tonite, I will have time to calm down I think.

[mmhmm]

Naggie, you said you know his background, and that frightens you.  What, exactly, is his background and why does it frighten you?

[Deleted]

Or he is using the poor communication skills his parents modeled? 

Im not going to justify anger. My parents were teens and my father's anger bursts are some of my earliest memories. But time helped, and good influences. Don't automatically write him off completely...

You do need to be careful you don't push her away. But be sure she knows you are there for her and the baby. 

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

I have not got the full story yet but apparently when he was 16 I think their was a domestic violence incident with his mother. I think he was arrested.

[swamp]

Based on Naggies  description of her family, it's it unusual for someone to fly off the handle.  

[mmhmm]

Ouch.  I presume your daughter is aware of this.  If I were you, I'd sit down with your daughter and have a talk.  It doesn't sound like he learned anything from the arrest.  Blaming others for one's own failings to the point where you're screaming, yelling, and berating that person is just one step away from taking a swing at that same person.  Your daughter needs to take a good, long look at her possible future with this guy, and the future of her child(ren).  There's no need to mention the friend who told you, but I do believe it's important you have a calm, logical talk with your daughter.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

The other day we were talking about abortion and what I thought were the different limits (12 weeks versus 24 weeks for medical issues) and DD said that that can't happen because *C would not let her and kill her if she did.

[mmhmm]

Kill her if she did?  I hope she was just using a figure of speech, Naggie.  This is NOT sounding good to me.

[Cass]

He doesn't have to know...

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

Well I am sure it was a figure of speech but still knowing what I know from before what she said at that time really made me think.

[Deleted]

I'll probably catch some flak for this, but it's best saved for another thread. To ME, your daughter needs to do what she thinks is best, even if her BF disagrees. Does SHE want to have and raise a child now? It's not an automatic decision for every woman that gets pregnant and if she's still discussing abortion, she's not sure what she wants. She really needs to sit down and think about this and whether she's prepared to raise him/her without the BF. With the way you've described him, it's likely that's how it will end up. I'm  on the part about he'd kill her.

[mmhmm]

How far along is your daughter's pregnancy, naggie?

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

We saw baby on Fri at exactly 12 weeks, this is breaking my heart. I would rather she deliver and use adoption.

[mmhmm]

What you would rather, and what he would rather aren't the issue.  Neither of you is pregnant, naggie.  It's your daughter who's pregnant, and it's what she would rather that counts most.  She needs to make a decision, and she needs to make it now.  It's an adult decision and not an easy one, but your daughter is the only one who can make it.  She's gotta grow up hard and fast.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

She is at steak and shake by herself eating because he didn't want to go with her, that seems so sad.