Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:31:24 GMT -5
I know but we can discuss all the options. I would support her in any desicion.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 11, 2013 22:35:27 GMT -5
There's no problem with discussing all possibilities, naggie, as long as you're absolutely sure to keep your biases out of it. Are you sure you can do that?
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:38:08 GMT -5
YEP, been keeping my mouth shut for 8 weeks now and just supporting her emotionally.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 11, 2013 22:41:26 GMT -5
Then, this is the time to have that talk and make it a good one. That's really all you can do. The decision has to be hers and she has to get up the courage to make it. My heart goes out to her. She's so very young to be in such a position.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 11, 2013 22:44:46 GMT -5
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your DD, so it's hard to say how you should talk to her and what you should say.
But I will say this - if you think that his behaviour is bad now, wait until she is more pregnant and not able to do certain things or not able to work. I don't care what he says about how much he wants that baby, he is going to get more and more stressed out about the whole thing and guess who is going to be there for all that?
Also, no normal person says even jokingly "I am going to kill you if you have an abortion". That's not "matter of speech" kind of talk.
So, the bottom line is - while yes, it is a hard topic to talk about, you better decide what you are going to do NOW before it gets too far and becomes too late. And if not you, may be your daughter's friend can do something
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 11, 2013 22:47:29 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand why she's eating at Steak and Shake by herself. Why didn't she come to your house, or go to her friend's house? It is sad to think of her sitting there alone, but it's a little worrisome when I try to figure out why she's there alone.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2013 22:49:07 GMT -5
I'm sorry Naggie, but you don't get to choose either. I tried very hard to tell my daughter what I thought, without telling her what to do. I didn't want to try to convince her to keep the baby, knowing how difficult it was going to be for her and that I was only willing to do so much to help. I didn't want to try to convince her to have an abortion, knowing I wouldn't be the one to deal with whatever emotions might come behind it. We didn't even discuss adoption, because I knew in my heart that if she really decided to go that route, I'd step in and raise the baby myself but I didn't want to tell her that unless it became absolutely necessary. I knew what I wanted her to do, but she had to decide for herself.
It's too big of a decision to make based on what other people think they should do. "Other people" includes us (Moms) in that situation naggie. <img style=">
ETA: I see mmmhmm already said something similar while I was thinking and typing. I'm so slow sometimes.
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:50:29 GMT -5
She told me that she was hungry and that he didn't want to go. DH would never let me leave the house late at night to go eat.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2013 22:50:48 GMT -5
If she delivers and relinquishes rights, the father may then get full custody. Adoption is not guaranteed.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2013 22:52:54 GMT -5
She told me that she was hungry and that he didn't want to go. DH would never let me leave the house late at night to go eat. Hum, that is kind of a troubling statement as well...
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:54:34 GMT -5
I just bring the options up when there is an apportunity. I brought abortion up last week because I wanted her to know that time was coming up (12 weeks) and we talked about the times and when and where etc. I let her lead the conversations. When the Walgreens argument was going she was texting her best friend that she didn't know if she could do it ie continue the pregnancy, so deep down somewhere she knows that is an option. So as we were coming up on 12 weeks I thought I had to bring it up one last time and that is when she made the comment about *C wouldn't let her do that and he would kill her. Now I don't know if that is what he said of just how she phrased it but the way she said it gave me goosebumps.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 11, 2013 22:54:50 GMT -5
She told me that she was hungry and that he didn't want to go. DH would never let me leave the house late at night to go eat. Is it possible this was a subtle way to ask you to join her, naggie?
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:55:56 GMT -5
I don't know Lonewolf I honestly don't.
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:56:30 GMT -5
Oh no, I just texted her to tell her I love her and she called me. She was already there and eating.
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 11, 2013 22:57:29 GMT -5
She is pretty independent in some ways. ie she's hungry, he didn't want to go so she went by herself.
|
|
Cass
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 0:43:29 GMT -5
Posts: 2,451
|
Post by Cass on May 11, 2013 23:31:47 GMT -5
Sorry Naggie, I'm not advocating abortion either. Was just addressing your point about it still being viable.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 0:05:11 GMT -5
She told me that she was hungry and that he didn't want to go. DH would never let me leave the house late at night to go eat. I find the last sentence troubling.
|
|
Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
Posts: 700
|
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 12, 2013 0:27:57 GMT -5
Well don't read into like that. What I mean is that not that he would forbid me or restrain me from going we would just go together. When we were that age and no kids yet we liked to go to dunkin donots late at night. One of us would say I fancy donots and even if I didn't feel like it I would go with him to be with him or if he didn't feel like it he would go with me to keep my company. He wasn't physically restraining me or telling me no I couldn't go just that we would go together, or one of us really didn't want to go we would just compromise and say we will go the next night.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 6:20:05 GMT -5
Ok, you are saying that, in a similar situation, your mate would have gone with you.
it sounded like your mate would have objected to you going to join your daughter.
thanks for the clarification.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 6:56:13 GMT -5
Naggie i am so sorry that your DD is in a difficult position. I have a daughter as well and it would break my heart to see someone treating her poorly. I do think that her best friend is telling you because you wants you to talk to DD and help her see things more clearly. And, i would certainly tell her that your doors are always open and she does not have to put up with a BF who treats her poorly. Is there a Pastor or counselor she or both of them could go see? It often helps to talk to a third, uninvolved party to get clarity. It helps to sort out issues and things make more sense when discussed with an objective person.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 6:57:51 GMT -5
She is at steak and shake by herself eating because he didn't want to go with her, that seems so sad. I would not read anything in to this. Don't analyze everything in light of your feelings about the situation. She was hungry and went out to eat, it is probably as simple as that. And, to this generation, eating out at any time of day or night is no biggie. It just seems natural to them.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 6:58:35 GMT -5
See if you can get DD a copy of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I stumbled on that book and it really opened my eyes. I got pregnant accidentally-on-purpose when I was 30 by a guy who was difficult, but who loved me. I still believe he loved me, but it ended in flames. I see so much in common with your DD's baby daddy. Everything was my fault- heck, if we took a flight somewhere and missed a connection it was my fault. Everything set him off. It got to the point that it was somehow my responsibility to behave so that I didn't get him angry. DS changed from a happy little boy to a fearful, insecure kid who apologized for everything. The marriage ended in flames. That was 16 years ago and DS and I have wonderful lives now, but I feel bad about having taken him through that experience.
She needs to recognize his bad behavior and call him out on it and demand that she be treated well. If he doesn't change, she should have the guts to get out of the relationship. Someone mentioned it earlier and I couldn't find it right away, but she needs to think about whether he'd eventually yell at the kid, too, or even if she wants the kid to grow up thinking this is how men and women interact.
She deserves better than this and I hope she realizes it soon.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,199
|
Post by bean29 on May 12, 2013 7:13:11 GMT -5
I would tell my Daughter that she could always come home and I would continue to mention it. I would steer her to counselling but I have never been in a relationship where the other party was willing to go. I am pro-choice but I don't feel comfortable about the grandmother advocating for this. It will come back to haunt you and give DD's boyfriend something to use as a wedge against you. The potential for DD to make a decision that she regrets and blame you is to great. Offer a place to stay. Advise counselling. Listen to her. Love her but make her own her decisions.
Sent from my MB855 using proboards
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on May 12, 2013 7:22:53 GMT -5
Well don't read into like that. What I mean is that not that he would forbid me or restrain me from going we would just go together. When we were that age and no kids yet we liked to go to dunkin donots late at night. One of us would say I fancy donots and even if I didn't feel like it I would go with him to be with him or if he didn't feel like it he would go with me to keep my company. He wasn't physically restraining me or telling me no I couldn't go just that we would go together, or one of us really didn't want to go we would just compromise and say we will go the next night. Similar to how when your DD says C will "kill her" it may not mean that he said exactly that or that she thinks he will literally kill her? I'm not saying he won't or that this statement isn't a big red flag, just pointing out that people use expressions in ways that are not always literal.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 7:26:54 GMT -5
The biggest problem is that if he is treating her badly when they are young and in love, how will he treat her down the road? We all want to raise our daughters to be strong and confidant and understand they deserve to be treated well. And, your DD might be justifying his behavior in her mind but if you come along and encourage her and validate that she isn't the one with the problem, then over time, that might strengthen her resolve.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 7:29:53 GMT -5
Apparently it is 1954 in my head, because I keep thinking "she needs to go away to stay with her aunt."
But what I really mean is she needs an exit strategy. If she is scared of him, she may not feel safe leaving him if he can still find her. I might put an offer to help her start over in a new town on the table.
(As far as adoption goes, it is possible to terminate the rights of an unnamed birth father. If she doesn't want to wait around until he proves that he is unfit to parent, there are ways to work around it)
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 12, 2013 7:34:01 GMT -5
I was going to say that you should not contact his family. Now that he has said that he will 'kill her', I would go to their house and tell them that you are taking out a restraining order against him. Your daughter will have to be the one to do however and she won't. But he doesn't need to know that. I am also worried about her getting into a car with him. He might try to have a small accident in hopes of making her lose the baby. What could happen instead is, she loses her life.
We were all teens at one time. We all had drama. Some more than others. You can't make her have an abortion, you can't make her give the baby up for adoption (and even if she did consent-so does the dad), and you can't make her raise the baby after it gets here. She knows if the baby is asleep in the crib and she leaves to go to work, on a date, out to Wal-Mart and the baby wakes up-you are going to pick the baby up, change it and feed it.
I am sorry that you are in this position. The only way your daughter will ever know what pain you are going through is if/when she becomes a mother and goes through the same pain. Unfortunately, that is the way life is.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 7:37:15 GMT -5
Screaming and blaming from an immature teen doesn't necessarily mean homicidal maniac. If you truly feel DD's life is/was threatened, then i would call the police immediately. If he is acting like a stupid butt with anger management issues, then she should should require he and they get some couples counseling. Please get counseling. I cannot emphasize how helpful this is for people. We will go to the ends of the earth for our physical health but we won't do the same for our mental/emotional health. He and she need to hear from a trained professional how better to handle and navigate their relationship.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 4:22:27 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 7:40:44 GMT -5
Happy, I think restraining order talk to the parents is just as likely to put daughter on edge and alienate her. The kids live together. Daughter has to want to exit. And, as stated, 'kill me' has many contexts. Naggie can't be acting on second hand and interpreted info here...
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 12, 2013 7:43:09 GMT -5
Shooby, I agree with you, it could just be drama. However, I would let him know that I am watching him like a hawk and that my child means more to me than anything. And that he had better watch his actions and words.
If he has already been involved in an altercation with his mother, they are aware of his antics, tantrums, temper, etc... But this might make one of his parents jerk a knot in him.
Can you tell I am a redneck? I just need a white wifebeater with a black bra. Strap hanging out is optional.
|
|