swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 11:06:51 GMT -5
Is there something like TOO much attachment to your kids?
I have been thinking about this for a while now. And there is a back story here.
One of my acquaintances (someone mom knew) has always been a militant SAHM. She never worked when her kids were little (thats fine btw, her choice) and was very outspoken supporter of women staying home to raise a family. Honestly, I have no idea how she got along with my mother who was always a working mom and ran her own CPA firm!
Anway, so now her youngest kid (she has 3 kids) is in collge. As of fall 2012. And she has been diagnosed with severe depression since January of this year. Basically what happened was that once the youngest left home she suddenly had this vaccum in her life that she found hard to fill. Throughout her life her ONLY focus was her kids. She had no hobbies, no circle of friends, no outings without her kids, every single waking moment was spent with kids or for kids. Now there is no-one at home for her to mother and she is finding it very very hard to adjust to a lifestyle of no kid needing her all the time. The behaviour change started around October and went downhill quite fast. Her husband took her to the doctor in December and after a series of tests/analysis etc severe depression was the diagnosis.
I'll be honest, I find it hard to fathom how her ENTIRE life is so children-centric. I love my kids to pieces, I would do anything for them, but my entire being is not defined by them. I am still my own person with my own hobbies and desires. But I have always been a working mom, so maybe that contributes to it. IMO, being attached to kids is one thing. Being TOO attached is quite another.
I am very interested in hearing what you all think.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 3, 2013 11:09:26 GMT -5
Did you see the author on tv who wrote the book and the blog called, " STFU Parents?" I wish some people on my FB would do just that. I love my kids but am glad I had a life as well.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Apr 3, 2013 11:11:21 GMT -5
Yeah, I can see it (full disclosure I've been a SAHM for 8 years). I've met a few people like that. It's really sad. OTOH, I know a few people who've decided their personal happiness is more important than raising their elementary-aged kids, so there are extremes on either side.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 11:16:37 GMT -5
I'm worried this will be me. I have a job and friends and a few hobbies, but NONE of those things are nearly as enjoyable as spending time with my kids. I think I'm going to be a wreck when they go away to college or get married. But then shouldn't you do something about it? A parent who goes to pieces when the child leaves home is such a burden on the child, isn't it? At least in my acquaintance's case, her 3 kids are very disturbed by it. The youngest is feeling the pressure the most as it all happened after he left home. All three of them think its somehow thoer fault and they have not been good kids, thats why their mother became depressed. While, as an outsider, I and others can totally see how she herself was lacking in creating a life of her own.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 3, 2013 11:20:16 GMT -5
My mom fits that bill, to some extent - "luckily" she has always worked for a living (single mom) so at least had something to fill her time after we left the house.
But for 25 years, her life consisted of: get up, get kids dressed and off to school, go to work, run errands at lunch, get off work, pick up kids, cook dinner, help with homework, get kids to bed, go to bed. Weekends were spent at t-ball/gymnastics practice or doing stuff around the house. She really didn't have much time for hobbies or a personal life.
Now that we're all living independently, I don't think she knows what to do with her downtime. I feel badly for her because she was a great, involved mom, and did a good job raising all of us - but she deserves to enjoy herself now. She was divorced for more than 10 years before she ever went on a date, because she didn't want to take time away from us.
It seems like a very difficult balance to strike.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 3, 2013 11:21:58 GMT -5
It seems like a very difficult balance to strike. This.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Apr 3, 2013 11:29:16 GMT -5
Did you see the author on tv who wrote the book and the blog called, " STFU Parents?" I wish some people on my FB would do just that. I love my kids but am glad I had a life as well. I have a good friend who is having a hard time with her sons attention being on his gf. I regularly get texts with her lamenting the latest snub. Its obnoxious. If he doesnt spend every moment of his college breaks sitting on the couch staring at her, I hear about it. If he makes plans to spend a holiday anywhere but home, she a wreck. He is 21 years old. I love her to death but she needs to GTFO it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 3, 2013 11:30:05 GMT -5
Did you see the author on tv who wrote the book and the blog called, " STFU Parents?" I wish some people on my FB would do just that. I love my kids but am glad I had a life as well. I love that site but have forgotten to visit it in a very long time. Thanks for the reminder!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 3, 2013 11:40:27 GMT -5
So, I have A LOT of opinions on this topic, if you are interested, but right now I have to go put my kids for a nap so I can actually sit down and right out my opinions on this subject
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 11:42:23 GMT -5
Lena, I'll wait
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 3, 2013 11:49:06 GMT -5
Basically what happened was that once the youngest left home she suddenly had this vaccum in her life that she found hard to fill. Throughout her life her ONLY focus was her kids. She had no hobbies, no circle of friends, no outings without her kids, every single waking moment was spent with kids or for kids. Now there is no-one at home for her to mother and she is finding it very very hard to adjust to a lifestyle of no kid needing her all the time. The behaviour change started around October and went downhill quite fast. Her husband took her to the doctor in December and after a series of tests/analysis etc severe depression was the diagnosis. I'll be honest, I find it hard to fathom how her ENTIRE life is so children-centric. I love my kids to pieces, I would do anything for them, but my entire being is not defined by them. I am still my own person with my own hobbies and desires. But I have always been a working mom, so maybe that contributes to it. IMO, being attached to kids is one thing. Being TOO attached is quite another. This was my folks. And it's just me for a kid. My freshman year at college was pretty tough, and even after I married (in my mid 20's), my parents still felt their role was to actively parent me by telling me what to do and expecting me to do it. We were also in an unhealthy relationship. I was raised to believe that I was responsible for making my folks happy. I was not encouraged to have many friendships with my peers. I was supposed to be my mom's best friend, her confident, and her child. Boundaries were messy. Every time I've done something big, like go away to college, get married, and have a kid, my mom would see that as abandonment. DH and I aren't like that with our kids. (Not to make light of it, but we do have the advantage that we are both mentally/emotionally healthy). We don't have a ton of good friends, but are friendly with other parents. We have our hobbies and interests that we have given up. We do look forward to getting back to them. We both can't wait until we can spend more time with each other though. I really do enjoy hanging out with my kids. The older two are 9 and 5, great ages, where they still want to be seen with a parent. In general, they are great people. I don't mind putting my kids first for a while, because it's only for a few brief years. Most of my life, I'm going to be extended family to my kids. I figure I only have 10 good years where DH and I are the most important things in their lives.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 3, 2013 11:49:57 GMT -5
I'm worried this will be me. I have a job and friends and a few hobbies, but NONE of those things are nearly as enjoyable as spending time with my kids. I think I'm going to be a wreck when they go away to college or get married. I'm with you. I need lots of "me" time, and I take it, but there is still nothing better than playing with my daughter. She is just transitioning from being a baby to a toddler, and it's breaking my heart that my 'baby' is growing up. And the idea of her getting big and moving away... it hurts just to think about. Mothers get so robbed. If you do your job well, as in - your child grows up to be happy and health and independent, they invariably leave you all alone. What other role in the universe is such that the person you love abandons you and breaks your heart if you treat them right??
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 3, 2013 11:52:54 GMT -5
But then shouldn't you do something about it? Do? What's there to do? Love my child less? I have my 'own' life and hobbies and a career... it doesn't hold a candle to my kid. I will try not to smother her when she leaves or let her know how sad I am. But I will miss her desperately and there's not a thing in the world I could * do* about it.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Apr 3, 2013 11:53:24 GMT -5
I wonder if this is a chicken or the egg question. Did a borderline personality disorder result in an unusually close attachment to the kids, or did the unusually close attachment to the kids result in psychological challenges when the kids were no longer at home?
I think that most of us suffer from some kind of personality disorder at one time or another. Usually it lasts only a short time and then we get back to normal. Simply a bout of the blues or something similar. For others, I think including this Mom, having an outlet, such as raising a family, may allow them to appear reasonably normal for an extended period of time. But when the outlet is removed, the on-going psychological challenges become more obvious. I suspect that this Mom has had issues for decades that were disguised as an intense focus on her kids. When the youngest child left for college, the disguise was removed. Hopefully having Mom's challenges in the open so they can be treated will eventually allow her and her family to enjoy a more fulfulling lives.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 11:57:06 GMT -5
"I think it's more difficult to understand parents who don't enjoy being around their kids AT ALL. "
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 11:59:45 GMT -5
YES. MIL's kids were all she had which is understandable when you consider that at the time they were born all women were expected to want/have were their husbands, household and kids.
Problem was she never developed hobbies outside of them after they became adults, especially DH. She spent a lot of time micromanaging their lives, would show up randomly to clean their houses, offer opinions on child rearing/finances. It was really taking a tole on everyone's marriages/relationships because we in-laws don't have parents like that and weren't adjusting to well to the new normal.
A couple years ago MIL decided to start going to church. I got worried one day because usually she called us at least 3-4 times in a 24 hour period. Turns out she decided to start volunteering with the church and didn't have time to call us constantly.
It's been great for everyone. DH has commented that she seems a lot happier and we know we're a lot happier because the apron strings finally got cut. Our relationships with her are also a lot healthier since we were able to make the transition from parent/child to adult/adult.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 12:00:10 GMT -5
But then shouldn't you do something about it? Do? What's there to do? Love my child less? I have my 'own' life and hobbies and a career... it doesn't hold a candle to my kid. I will try not to smother her when she leaves or let her know how sad I am. But I will miss her desperately and there's not a thing in the world I could * do* about it. So you are going to fall to pieces when your child leaves home? Yes, you are going to miss her desparately. So would I when my kids go away to college. It will hurt to be an empty nester. But My whole life is not tied up in them. I'll try deal with the situation. The lady in question in the OP did NOTHING except mother her kids. Nothing! No hobbies, no job, negligible social circle and no interests other than mothering her kids. Thats the type of attachement I am talking about here. Not healthy, normal parental attachment most people share with their kids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 12:00:45 GMT -5
But then shouldn't you do something about it? Do? What's there to do? Love my child less? I have my 'own' life and hobbies and a career... it doesn't hold a candle to my kid. I will try not to smother her when she leaves or let her know how sad I am. But I will miss her desperately and there's not a thing in the world I could * do* about it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 3, 2013 12:05:08 GMT -5
Mothers get so robbed. If you do your job well, as in - your child grows up to be happy and health and independent, they invariably leave you all alone. I think that depends on the circumstances. We live close to my ILS. We do not leave them alone. We do have healthy, respectful boundaries. And we see them regularly. I guess I see things differently, maybe because my kids are older. Of course I'm sad that they are growing up. But I am SO EXCITED for them that they will be moving through life with any and all doors open to them. I am excited to see what kind of people they will mature into. It's a huge gift to be able to watch kids grow up and be a part of it. One of my kids is moving into little league. It's a big step for us, with the time commitment. I've had a grand time picking out the gear. I'm excited for this opportunity. I can't wait to see how my child is going to bloom and grow. I'm not sad over the fact that it means less family time. I'm hoping that one out of three will give us grandkids. And I'm hoping when that happens, DH can be snowbirds to go live near them for several months a year.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 3, 2013 12:09:15 GMT -5
A couple years ago MIL decided to start going to church. I got worried one day because usually she called us at least 3-4 times in a 24 hour period. I'd get this too. And if I didn't respond fast enough to my parents liking, there would be heck to pay (to include police involvement) An acceptable response time to my parents was less than an hour, no matter what. I don't want to use my kid to try to ease my loneliness. That's so unfair to my kids.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Apr 3, 2013 12:10:00 GMT -5
We are trying to find that happy balance. DH's mother in law pretty much checked out in the parenting department when DH was 12. I doubt she even noticed when he left for college. My parents always worked full time jobs and had 4 kids to deal with. They weren't bad parents but we never got any one on one time with them.
DH and I just have the Boy who turns 15 this month. We have outside jobs, friends, hobbies, etc We have family hobbies and friends too. DS has a wide circle of friends and interests. But- he is our only and we keep teasing him and telling he we are going to rent an apartment down the street from his college when he goes off to school.
We probably won't really do that but it is going to be a big shake up for us. We've been actively expanding our circle of friends, adding new hobbies, etc. so that there isn't that vacuum when he leaves us.
He is our buddy. We are the three amigos. Since we had him in our early 20's we've just always been such a tight unit that it's going to be hard on us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 12:11:16 GMT -5
I view it the same as people who get depressed after they retire. Children give a rhythm and schedule to your day, they fill a lot of hours. Embarking on a new stage of life is difficult.
I'm not surprised she is depressed. If she stays depressed and things don't change within in a year that's more concerning.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 3, 2013 12:14:45 GMT -5
It sounds like the mother in the opening post has no idea who she is anymore having had only one identity (mother) all these years and has no idea how to reinvent herself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 12:19:26 GMT -5
I love my kids. but after an entire weekend with my kids I am ready to go back to work.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 12:19:51 GMT -5
I think part of the problem is seeing your kids as BFFs in the making instead of the little people you are responsible for nurturing into independent adults.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 3, 2013 12:21:05 GMT -5
I view it the same as people who get depressed after they retire. Children give a rhythm and schedule to your day, they fill a lot of hours. Embarking on a new stage of life is difficult. I'm not surprised she is depressed. If she stays depressed and things don't change within in a year that's more concerning. I retired the Friday of Memorial Day weekend of 2004. It was an odd experience having just worked 30 years for the same employer. By Memorial Day, I knew I was free as a bird and haven't regretted retiring or looked back one bit.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 3, 2013 12:21:39 GMT -5
It sounds like the mother in the opening post has no idea who she is anymore having had only one identity (mother) all these years and has no idea how to reinvent herself. It also doesn't really sound like she WANTS to reinvent herself.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 3, 2013 12:22:04 GMT -5
I wonder if this is a chicken or the egg question. Did a borderline personality disorder result in an unusually close attachment to the kids, or did the unusually close attachment to the kids result in psychological challenges when the kids were no longer at home? My mom was likely borderline far before I came along. She also battled depression for most of my childhood, and likely before I was born as well. My mom's mental illnesses are her own, she has chosen not to deal with them. And my dad chose to enable. I don't believe that mental illness just comes and goes is completely dependent on the situation. I do think, that existing mental illness can be exacerbated by a situation, though.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 3, 2013 12:24:24 GMT -5
It sounds like the mother in the opening post has no idea who she is anymore having had only one identity (mother) all these years and has no idea how to reinvent herself. It also doesn't really sound like she WANTS to reinvent herself. Good point. Become a teacher's aide and she can have all the kids she wants. Or adopt.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 12:25:21 GMT -5
Also, I'm going to be sad when I can't see DS' face every day. The same way I'm sad when I can't see DH every day. I think it's difficult to know how you are going to feel about having an empty nest until you get there. I'm sure a lot of parents think they are going to be really sad and party instead.
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