Too much attachment to kids?

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, here we go:

My story:
I've always wanted my kids to be raised by me or DH or a grandparent.  My DH always wanted his kids to be raised by his wife.  See the difference?  He got his wish for two reasons 1 - he couldn't handle infant years and 2 - I can't make as much money as he does.   I miss working.   I miss working for reasons that have nothing to do with my children or my family.  My DH can not understand that.  Yes, he understands that for ME, but I think in general, he doesn't understand this.  why?  bc....

My DH's story
His mother stayed home.  His mother WANTED to stay home.  His mother stopped working BEFORE she had kids to be a stay-at-home wife.  Her family is her life.  Her life now is pretty screwed up bc she has nothing except her grand children now.  I bet that if she could (physically and financially), she would want to raise them.  And while she did get an AA in history after my DH and his sister grew up, she doesn't like to read, doesn't have any hobbies except baseball and I really don't think she has any interest in anything except her family.   And she doesn't know how to do anything else
So, to my DH - that's what women do, that's what mothers do.  And while now he is worried that his mother has no interest to occupy her mind and time, STILL, I KNOW that he thinks that I should want nothing else but be a wife and a mother.  And while he understands that I am a different person and he is VERY supportive of me doing other things (like I started graduate school when my oldest was a baby, and my DH is very supportive of me starting a business), again, his views of women is pretty old fashioned. 

Story of the women I've been meeting:

There is a whole movement of Attachment parenting that I don't get.  It sounds "feel good" in theory, but I think it's a bunch of BS.  While it's one thing to attach yourself to your child during infancy, I think it's entirely different to keep doing it during toddler/pre-school, etc years.

Since we are planning to homeschool, I've been meeting a lot of other HSing mothers - well,  A LOT of them are saying that they want to homeschool bc they can't fathom to be away from their children so many hours a day.  I roll my eyes and don't say anything, but I think they have a mental issue they need to address. 

I don't just love my kids, I really do like them.  I like talking to them.  And I like listening to them talk to each other.  And I like seeing them discover and explore and do things.  But no research, no opinion, no study, not G-d himself will ever convince me that being wrapped in another human being THAT much is healthy for either of the parties involved. 

So, there ya go

P.S - I don't know if you read my thread about cards that I get from my SIL - they all say the same thing "happy b-day, mother's day, anniversary - well, you already have the best present - your kids - what more can you wish for".  Geee, I don't know, my list is about 100 pages long....

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 12:05:08 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Apr 3, 2013 11:49:57 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Mothers get so robbed. If you do your job well, as in - your child grows up to be happy and health and independent, they invariably leave you all alone.

I think that depends on the circumstances.

We live close to my ILS. We do not leave them alone. We do have healthy, respectful boundaries. And we see them regularly.

I guess I see things differently, maybe because my kids are older. Of course I'm sad that they are growing up. But I am SO EXCITED for them that they will be moving through life with any and all doors open to them. I am excited to see what kind of people they will mature into. It's a huge gift to be able to watch kids grow up and be a part of it.

One of my kids is moving into little league. It's a big step for us, with the time commitment. I've had a grand time picking out the gear. I'm excited for this opportunity. I can't wait to see how my child is going to bloom and grow. I'm not sad over the fact that it means less family time.

I'm hoping that one out of three will give us grandkids. And I'm hoping when that happens, DH can be snowbirds to go live near them for several months a year.

I know what you mean!giramomma 

Our Son just left for out of state for the promising job. I am little sad that I can't able see him in timely manner. But same time I am so excited it for him, he can able to leave his comfort zone and having a enough confidence in himself to go where he wants to go.

And I have enough life left in me to pursue which way ever we would like to go.
 

[thyme4change]

I remember a mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.  Every day the teacher asked her to leave.  Even at the very end of the year.  She just couldn't bear the thought of her daughter not being at home for the day.  So, she would walk her all the way to the classroom and just linger.  I have never gone to campus without seeing that mom there.  They are now finishing up 4th grade.  

That said - wrongside - my sister was a dedicated Mom.  She would likely describe her life as you did, a few hobbies, a few friends - but it was Mom first.  She loved it, and reveled in it.  She just made up her mind to adjust as her kids headed off to college.  She found other opportunities.  She volunteered at 20 different places, and then stayed at the one she thought was the most fun.  She made a list of all the things she wanted to do but hadn't had time for, and started doing them.  She has adjusted.  Sure, there may be a void, but you know it is coming - you have an 18 year warning that kids will grow up.  You just have to make up your mind to have other goals and other things to accomplish with your life.

[formerroomate99]

The whole thing seems pretty selfish to me.  You have kids.  You love them to death.  But you also know that they are going to leave the nest, that they have to leave the nest and start their own lives, and that transition isn't going to happen smoothly if you aren't in a good place yourself.   

[Deleted]

DH and I have seen this with 2 couples we know- in both cases they're empty-nesters and the wife mostly spends her time visiting the kids and grandkids.  In the case of one couple, the wife is freaking out because her daughter's in-laws just moved into a house down the street from daughter and her husband, who are expecting a baby.  Even though they're all in the same town, the wife now wants to move to another house closer to daughter and SIL so she can get equal time with the grandchild, which isn't even here yet. 

It doesn't always have to be that way. My mother was a SAHM with 5 kids but somehow managed to maintain her own activities and friendships (church, garden club, card club, bridge and later golf) so she had a life when we left the house. 

[zibazinski]

My kids and I were also the three amigos. I missed DS something awful even though I was so proud and excited for him. But I had a home and another child to still care for plus a stressful job. When DD went to college, I retired. These are the best years of my entire life. 

[Deleted]

I was starting to feel like maybe I don't love DS enough because him going to full-day school, him going away to college, and him moving out and having his own family doesn't really bother me that much.  I'm glad I'm not alone.

[whoami]

Apr 3, 2013 12:33:00 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

The whole thing seems pretty selfish to me.  You have kids.  You love them to death.  But you also know that they are going to leave the nest, that they have to leave the nest and start their own lives, and that transition isn't going to happen smoothly if you aren't in a good place yourself.   

Yep.  My friend is going to destroy her relationship with her son because of her neediness.  He is frustrated and she is driving him and everyone around her nuts.  I'm so glad my parents didn't lay a guilt trip on me when it was time for me to go.  I've always been the adventurer in my family.  I love my parents dearly but I would have gone nuts if they expected me to stick around after I hit adulthood.  I couldn't wait to go....I had things to see, people to meet and places to experience.  They raised me to want to go out and see the world and I did the same with mine. I would never expect my kid to hang around to keep me happy.

[whoami]

Apr 3, 2013 12:37:26 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I was starting to feel like maybe I don't love DS enough because him going to full-day school, him going away to college, and him moving out and having his own family doesn't really bother me that much.  I'm glad I'm not alone.

You aren't alone.....at all.

[Deleted]

I remember rocking DD after one of her nightly feedings when she was just an infant and telling myself to take it all in and remember it because it is going to be gone some day.  I try to do that with everything now (not just kid stuff); enjoy life while it's happening and look forward to the next adventure. For me and for them. 

[giramomma]

Apr 3, 2013 12:28:41 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

There is a whole movement of Attachment parenting that I don't get.  It sounds "feel good" in theory, but I think it's a bunch of BS.  While it's one thing to attach yourself to your child during infancy, I think it's entirely different to keep doing it during toddler/pre-school, etc years.

Since we are planning to homeschool, I've been meeting a lot of other HSing mothers - well,  A LOT of them are saying that they want to homeschool bc they can't fathom to be away from their children so many hours a day.  I roll my eyes and don't say anything, but I think they have a mental issue they need to address. 

Actually, I was just on the official Attachment Parenting International web site. They don't suggest that children should never be separated from parents. I think some might interpret it that way, I don't think that's the meaning of AP. And, I would argue, actually, that keeping a child at home for a parent's selfish needs is just about as un-AP as you can get. AP is about putting the kids needs first, not the parents' needs.

We actually tend to gravitate to the AP parenting style.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 12:44:10 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I remember rocking DD after one of her nightly feedings when she was just an infant and telling myself to take it all in and remember it because it is going to be gone some day.  I try to do that with everything now (not just kid stuff); enjoy life while it's happening and look forward to the next adventure. For me and for them. 

 

[Deleted]

I miss that "new baby" smell, though. 

[Deleted]

  We just have to wait for an Grandbabies.

[Deleted]

I'd better have a looooong wait for them (mine are 7 & 6 right now)! 

ETA: I think I need a new niece or nephew in the meantime. 

[Deleted]

  

Being a Mom's most rewarding and hardest job in the world.
Also it can be most natural thing in the world. Just my personal opinion.

[cronewitch]

I knew a women who mothered her daughters full time until the oldest was nearly college age. She went back to college to get an accounting degree to help pay tuition for the girls. So when she worked with me she had one in college and one going soon. She had been a good mother, helped with homework, got the girls ready for college, accepted to great schools. She was asking me what she would do when she didn't have them at home. I told her she had a choice to either get a new kid from the school to help with SATs or take the CPA exam. So she decided to take a November CPA just after the little one went off to college. She had to study all summer and fall so didn't even miss the girls. Passed the CPA exam first try so not a bad coping method.
Then they moved and she took care of dying parents while being a full time CPA. By the time the girls finished grad school she was used to not having little ones at home. Then she was done working for tuition and quit her job and volunteers. She got a grandson but she moved again so not near the girls or grandson.

[Deleted]

When my little one first went to all day kindergarten, the first day was especially difficult. The entire first week was tough. After that, I happily put her on the bus and looked forward to the time I could work and exercise without being interrupted. She's older now and I enjoy being home with her in the summer, but I don't mind when school starts back up again.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 3, 2013 12:43:36 GMT -5 whoami said:

Apr 3, 2013 12:37:26 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I was starting to feel like maybe I don't love DS enough because him going to full-day school, him going away to college, and him moving out and having his own family doesn't really bother me that much.  I'm glad I'm not alone.

You aren't alone.....at all.

Nope.  You're not.  I love my kids but I miss 'me' too. 

[Deleted]

I'm not going to pile on to this poor woman for being an overly devoted mother, or for struggling as an empty-nester.

Somebody's mom has to drive the field trips, or coach the little league team, or host the sleepovers, or what have you.  If she did everything for her kids and didn't make enough time for her own needs or interests, then she is probably like a lot of other moms who don't have enough time in the day.

If she has struggled with the kids' departure and is experiencing some depression, that just makes her human.  Lots of people have mental health problems from time to time.

She got help.  If her next step is to explore new ways to contribute to her community or spend her time, then I'm not in a position to judge.  If her next step is to move closer to the dorms or find a way to insert herself into her adult children's everyday lives, well then she is overly attached, and then I'm gonna judge.

[alabamagal]

I have talked to some parents who say they speak to their kids away at college every day. I can't imagine this.

My kids started college in 2009, 2010 and 2012. Our household went from 3 kids to 0 in 4 years (actually oldest moved back home, but that is different than having a kid at home). It is a big adjustment, but it is going pretty well for us.

The hardest part is that we were very active in our kids activities, starting with little league baseball and then through all sports in high school. We especially enjoyed watching our youngest play high school football. We have lots of friends that we met when our kids were involved in various activities. So now we have no "kid-centered" activities to go to. But we have found other interests. The hardest part was not having a Friday night football game to go to in the Fall.

I talk to my kids weekly to see what is going on. It helps that they have all adjusted well to college life and found girlfriends/boyfriends to keep them busy.

[Sam_2.0]

Don't we see this same kind of thing all the time with recent retirees? This lady's career was raising children. Just like someone else's career might be an engineer. Then the day comes that you can no longer do your job (or your job leaves, or whatever). What the person found their identity in is no longer there. I think it is unfair to harp on SAHMs as having no other interests when millions of other people in other career fields do the same thing.

Hopefully after an adjustment period this lady can find some kind of hobby or activity that fulfills her. Or find another "job" to do. But there has to be some kind of grieving period when all that she's ever known how to do is taken away from her.

[justme]

Apr 3, 2013 12:43:36 GMT -5 whoami said:

Apr 3, 2013 12:37:26 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I was starting to feel like maybe I don't love DS enough because him going to full-day school, him going away to college, and him moving out and having his own family doesn't really bother me that much.  I'm glad I'm not alone.

You aren't alone.....at all.

My parents didn't cry when they dropped me off at college...their parting line was something along the lines of "have fun and remember to call if you're coming home, just don't show up unannounced" when I questioned them about that they alluded to being able to roam the house naked now that all the kids are gone.  Don't think they missed us too much! Actually, I almost think my dad was more excited for college to start than me!

[HoneyBBQ]

Also, having hobbies and outside interests requires money and a partner who is supportive.

I'm lucky, whenever I have a game or want to go on a run with my friends my spouse will watch the kid. Now, that is expected and reasonable and we have a very equitable quasi-50/50 child rearing arrangement. But not all moms are lucky to have such supportive Dads who will change diapers, take the kid for the day, etc.

Not all moms have that.

If it was cheaper for mom to stay home with the kids then work, she may have ended up being a SAHM not really out of choice but necessity. Hobbies take money and time.... maybe money is tight. If Dad works long hours, it can be hard to get away.

So I can see where people might get *too* wrapped up in their kids. Not really because they wanted to but because it was inevitable.

[Deleted]

SAM, I would say the same thing about the people who retire and then sit around waiting for death.  You still have a decent amount of life left (usually) when you are done with work OR raising kids, so while a large chunk of your life is spent working/raising kids, it is not ALL of your life... you didn't emerge from the womb creating spreadsheets and changing diapers.  I'm not saying it won't be sad and an adjustment - I'm saying there is plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.

[Sam_2.0]

I would agree. But it is normal to go through an adjustment period while you try to regroup and figure out what the next thing will be. Hopefully this lady gets the help she needs to get through this greiving.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So I can see where people might get *too* wrapped up in their kids. Not really because they wanted to but because it was inevitable.

With my MIL I understood why she was so wrapped up in her kids, it was a generational thing.  DH was correct when he said that's all she had because it was all she was expected to have.

The problem arose when her kids were in their 30's-40's and she was STILL acting like this was 1950-1960.  She got stuck in a time warp.  It was also impacting her kids' relationships with other people.  We've all nearly divorced/left over it at one point in time.

It took awhile but MIL adapted and opened herself up to not being the center of her kid's universe.

She's still a big part of their lives but she's no longer trying to run them.  We can go days now without a phone call whereas early in our relationship she'd call anyhere from 3-4 times a day AND show up at our house to "clean" for hours.

It's a problem when the relationship slides into co-dependence.  I understand just fine but that doesn't mean my MIL's relationship with DH was a healthy one.

Don't know enough about the lady in the OP to comment on that, only time will tell.

[muttleynfelix]

The hardest part was not having a Friday night football game to go to in the Fall.

Why don't you still go? My high school doesn't/didn't have football. The big thing there is basketball.  None of us played in high school, but we played in the band that played at half time/in between JV and Varsity games. So my parents went to the games. Even the gap between my brother and I being in high school, we still went to a lot of games. Now my parents take my Grandma to see the kids on her block play.  I graduated in 2000 and they are still going to games.  Partly to cheer on my Grandma's neighbors, but also just because.  While my mom was visiting us, they had the regional championships and the weather was too bad for my Grandma to get out, so my dad went by himself.

In some ways my mom was lucky, by the time I graduated high school, they already had 2 Grandkids and their parents started needing more help.  It went from having kids at home to helping out the parents.  There wasn't a lull in there in the in between caring for kids and caring for parents.  Now, they just have one parent to care for and my mom's Aunt. But they have 7 grandchildren that they love to dote on.  My dad still works full time and my mom has always helped out at the business plus being involved at church. 

However, the overattachment concern was part of the reason we decided to have 2 kids.  DH and I really enjoy playing with DS and I felt like in the long run that it would be detrimental to DS to have 2 parents hovering over him - playing catch, playing soccer, helping him with homework, etc.  I figured if he has a sibling at least it would only be one-on-one.

[Shooby]

  There are "Seasons" of Life.  Once we accept that, we can move on.  There is nothing wrong with grieving for a period of time.  But with your kids, you have to take a step back and be glad that they can fly on their own.  I think it will be difficult when my kids leave home too.  Just the thought that this part of life is over and never again is something to adjust too.

[swasat]

I am not addressing every post individually. But here you go with more details.

As mentioned in the OP, the lady did her mothering by choice. He husband would have never grudged giving her more time and space to pursue her own interests. She WANTED to be with her kids every single waking minute. She was quite militant about it. To her that was her career and she really,really prided herself in being that dedicated of a mother.

She actually wanted her youngest to go to the university in their town. He got into a very good university about 200 miles from their town with excellent scholarship. She didn't want him to go. She had a huge temper tantrum about it too. Her husband put his foot down and allowed kid#3 to go to the university of his choice.

Her older kids stay in the same town as her. Kid#1 is married and visits the parents every single day. She wouldn't have it any other way. Bless his wife who accomodates! Kid#2 is unmarried and works in the same city. She is on the opposite side of the town and this lady does grocery shopping for her and make sure her house stays clean. And yes, every boyfriend of the daughter's must be approved by her too. Saturday and Sunday dinners are always held at the parents house.

See, thats why I don't understand her state. She still mothers her two oldest. Just not in HER house and just not every single minute of the day.