whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 3, 2013 13:55:00 GMT -5
There is a whole movement of Attachment parenting that I don't get. It sounds "feel good" in theory, but I think it's a bunch of BS. While it's one thing to attach yourself to your child during infancy, I think it's entirely different to keep doing it during toddler/pre-school, etc years. Since we are planning to homeschool, I've been meeting a lot of other HSing mothers - well, A LOT of them are saying that they want to homeschool bc they can't fathom to be away from their children so many hours a day. I roll my eyes and don't say anything, but I think they have a mental issue they need to address. Actually, I was just on the official Attachment Parenting International web site. They don't suggest that children should never be separated from parents. I think some might interpret it that way, I don't think that's the meaning of AP. And, I would argue, actually, that keeping a child at home for a parent's selfish needs is just about as un-AP as you can get. AP is about putting the kids needs first, not the parents' needs. We actually tend to gravitate to the AP parenting style. Gira, I was only commenting on what I saw - family bed, homeschooling, baby-wearing, extended breasfeeding is all part of what those women preach and practice. And the CONSTANT conversation about how they never crave to be away from their children, and they find ways to recharge while still being with their children. "I" think it's incredibly unhealthy. And even with your definition of putting the kids first - again, "I" don't agree. I don't think you should pick a person and put their needs first. It should be FAMILY first, not child first or parent first. I would love to hear more of how your opinion and how you practice AP
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 13:56:27 GMT -5
I would love to see my kids grow wings and explore the world. I would be so happy to see them explore new relationships and new horizons. As a parent, thats a job well done from my end.
I love my kids, I always want to be in their lives. But I don't want ME to be their ONLY life. As they grow I want to see them happy. And for that I know that I would have cut the apron string sometime in order to maintain healthy and happy boundaries with them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 13:59:17 GMT -5
Actually, I was just on the official Attachment Parenting International web site. They don't suggest that children should never be separated from parents. I think some might interpret it that way, I don't think that's the meaning of AP. And, I would argue, actually, that keeping a child at home for a parent's selfish needs is just about as un-AP as you can get. AP is about putting the kids needs first, not the parents' needs. We actually tend to gravitate to the AP parenting style. Gira, I was only commenting on what I saw - family bed, homeschooling, baby-wearing, extended breasfeeding is all part of what those women preach and practice. And the CONSTANT conversation about how they never crave to be away from their children, and they find ways to recharge while still being with their children. "I" think it's incredibly unhealthy. And even with your definition of putting the kids first - again, "I" don't agree. I don't think you should pick a person and put their needs first. It should be FAMILY first, not child first or parent first. I would love to hear more of how your opinion and how you practice AP sooooooo about putting the FAMILY first.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 14:00:08 GMT -5
He got into a very good university about 200 miles from their town with excellent scholarship. She didn't want him to go. She had a huge temper tantrum about it too
Yeah that's unhealthy.
I can't explain it but MIL was the worst with DH, who youngest, as well. There is something about the "baby" of the family that they can't let go of. It's like if they let go then they have to admit those days are over or something.
MIL still interfered in SIL's and BIL's life but not near to the level she used to interfere in DH's life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 14:00:18 GMT -5
I am not addressing every post individually. But here you go with more details. As mentioned in the OP, the lady did her mothering by choice. He husband would have never grudged giving her more time and space to pursue her own interests. She WANTED to be with her kids every single waking minute. She was quite militant about it. To her that was her career and she really,really prided herself in being that dedicated of a mother. She actually wanted her youngest to go to the university in their town. He got into a very good university about 200 miles from their town with excellent scholarship. She didn't want him to go. She had a huge temper tantrum about it too. Her husband put his foot down and allowed kid#3 to go to the university of his choice. Her older kids stay in the same town as her. Kid#1 is married and visits the parents every single day. She wouldn't have it any other way. Bless his wife who accomodates! Kid#2 is unmarried and works in the same city. She is on the opposite side of the town and this lady does grocery shopping for her and make sure her house stays clean. And yes, every boyfriend of the daughter's must be approved by her too. Saturday and Sunday dinners are always held at the parents house. See, thats why I don't understand her state. She still mothers her two oldest. Just not in HER house and just not every single minute of the day. IMO, that's just looney tunes. Sorry if that sounds judgy, but that's how I feel.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 3, 2013 14:03:22 GMT -5
I have NEVER had a day when I didn't speak to my mom.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 3, 2013 14:04:57 GMT -5
Actually, I was just on the official Attachment Parenting International web site. They don't suggest that children should never be separated from parents. I think some might interpret it that way, I don't think that's the meaning of AP. And, I would argue, actually, that keeping a child at home for a parent's selfish needs is just about as un-AP as you can get. AP is about putting the kids needs first, not the parents' needs. We actually tend to gravitate to the AP parenting style. Gira, I was only commenting on what I saw - family bed, homeschooling, baby-wearing, extended breasfeeding is all part of what those women preach and practice. And the CONSTANT conversation about how they never crave to be away from their children, and they find ways to recharge while still being with their children. "I" think it's incredibly unhealthy. And even with your definition of putting the kids first - again, "I" don't agree. I don't think you should pick a person and put their needs first. It should be FAMILY first, not child first or parent first.
I would love to hear more of how your opinion and how you practice AP SO SO SO #yeahthat# Lena, can I just say that I am loving all your posts on this thread!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 14:08:37 GMT -5
My mom used to email me every day while I was in college. I still see my parents at least once a week since we live right across the street. Gwen has announced she wants to live with grandpa/grandma forever. I'm tempted to let her!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 14:11:29 GMT -5
There are "Seasons" of Life. Once we accept that, we can move on. There is nothing wrong with grieving for a period of time. But with your kids, you have to take a step back and be glad that they can fly on their own. I think it will be difficult when my kids leave home too. Just the thought that this part of life is over and never again is something to adjust too.Always try to find positive from negative situations is best way of looking at things. Least for me anyway. One door closed then other door's open.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Apr 3, 2013 14:21:12 GMT -5
Also, having hobbies and outside interests requires money and a partner who is supportive. I'm lucky, whenever I have a game or want to go on a run with my friends my spouse will watch the kid. Now, that is expected and reasonable and we have a very equitable quasi-50/50 child rearing arrangement. But not all moms are lucky to have such supportive Dads who will change diapers, take the kid for the day, etc. Not all moms have that. If it was cheaper for mom to stay home with the kids then work, she may have ended up being a SAHM not really out of choice but necessity. Hobbies take money and time.... maybe money is tight. If Dad works long hours, it can be hard to get away. So I can see where people might get *too* wrapped up in their kids. Not really because they wanted to but because it was inevitable. I can see that being the case when the kids are tiny. But once they get old enough to be left alone, there are a lot of free or nearly free things a SAHM can do. Kids don't go from being babies to leaving for college in one day. You have a period of several years to prepare for the next phase of life.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 3, 2013 14:29:32 GMT -5
DF talked to his DD every night when she was in college. But their relationship, on HIS part, was the relationship he should have had with his wife. Very unhealthy. She rarely calls now unless she wants something.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 3, 2013 14:30:50 GMT -5
Actually, I was just on the official Attachment Parenting International web site. They don't suggest that children should never be separated from parents. I think some might interpret it that way, I don't think that's the meaning of AP. And, I would argue, actually, that keeping a child at home for a parent's selfish needs is just about as un-AP as you can get. AP is about putting the kids needs first, not the parents' needs. We actually tend to gravitate to the AP parenting style. Gira, I was only commenting on what I saw - family bed, homeschooling, baby-wearing, extended breasfeeding is all part of what those women preach and practice. And the CONSTANT conversation about how they never crave to be away from their children, and they find ways to recharge while still being with their children. "I" think it's incredibly unhealthy. And even with your definition of putting the kids first - again, "I" don't agree. I don't think you should pick a person and put their needs first. It should be FAMILY first, not child first or parent first. I would love to hear more of how your opinion and how you practice AP I think not wanting to ever be away from your child is unhealthy as well. We feed on demand, rather than scheduling. Though, I didn't breastfeed. We also let our babies dictate their own sleep/wake schedules as much as we can. It was super easy to do with #1. #3 is SOL and has no schedule. We aren't big into leaving our kids self-soothe. We do let them fuss it out. But, generally, our kids cry/wake/whatever to get a need filled (not just to play at 2 am). Our middle child had this weird thing where she would only sleep on us for two weeks. She did this like 4 times a year, starting when she was 8 months old. Once whatever she got what she needed, she went back to sleeping 12 hours a night by herself. So when she needed to be close to us, one of us slept in the living room with her. To me, that made more sense to "give in" (for a lack of a better word) to her needing physical touch than having her cry until she passed out. We prefer to wear our kids. We own a cheap $20 umbrella stroller, and that's it. We didn't/don't wear the kids all the time. Mostly we baby wear/wore when the baby wanted to be held and we needed to tend to the other kids or when we were out and about. We had a front carrier for the young ones, then we put them in a back pack after 6 months. We cuddle/snuggle with our kids a lot. "Touch" is my oldest child's love language. When I'm upset/stressed, the first thing he does is rub my back. And, when he's emotionally off kilter, the first thing he wants is a hug. I tend to gravitate towards co-sleeping with my babies, just because I'm lazy. But, my oldest always needed his space when he slept, so we didn't force co-sleeping on him. The kids also know there are times where they are welcome in our bed, and when they aren't. We also tend to do lots of gentle discipline. We're not a spanking family, and so far, honestly, we haven't needed it. For the baby, we use lots of short words without using the word "No" and we are as consistent as we can get. By the time she was 11 months, she got that she shouldn't put stuff in her mouth that was on the floor. When we say "Ick" she stops putting whatever it is in her mouth that we don't want her too." We have rules and consequences for breaking them. But, we believe more in natural consequences. Dwadling before bed means there's no time for a bedtime story. Forgetting to bring home homework means you loose screen time until all the homework is done the following night. We even once rescheduled a long weekend because the older two couldn't be in close proximity to each other without hitting/poking/kicking each other. I told them I wasn't going to take them in a 6 hour car ride (one way) and have them behave like that. So, I didn't. We waited until they showed they could behave better. When the kids are 2-4 and acting out, we always do a physical needs run down. Are they hungry, thirsty, or tired? Rather than immediately punish the child, we try to fix the physical need, and then remind about proper behavior. We are lucky, though that our kids do follow our rules. My oldest sees everything in black and white. So far 2 out of the 3 listen to us when we need them to..It would be different if I had a kid that was a runner.. Our kids know that our rules are the rules, and that we are the parents. They also know that their feelings do matter. And, sometimes yes, we will negotiate with our kids. I'm not my kid, and I don't presume to think that I know what's best for them. I grew up in a house, where "mother knows best" ruled all decision making. Except, she didn't always know best. What I thought, what I said, what I needed, sometimes really didn't matter. I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that they only thing they are good for is my and my DH's bragging rights. DH and I also parent with some humility. We admit when we are wrong to our kids, and we apologize. One of my parents hit me once, which affected my ability to breathe for a second or too. Never apologized for that. I'm sorry, but I don't care how frustrated you are with your child, you don't scare the crap out of them and say "well, it was your fault." when the child expresses that they are scared and hurt. We also cloth diaper. But, I don't think that's an AP thing. I think it's an I'm a cheap parent thing.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 3, 2013 14:39:35 GMT -5
I also do "some" AP. Not enough to be in the "in" crowd. But some things. We coslept for the first 6 months. I exclusively breastfed on demand and delayed solids til 6 months. We're doing semi-long term breast feeding (she still nurses 2x a day at 16 months). We did Baby-Led-Weaning and she always fed herself. I wear her a lot. Even now. But mostly that's a convenience thing. We will not be spanking, and no yelling is very high on my list of household rules.
That said... we didn't baby proof at all. When the kid falls down, I tell her she's ok and she can get back up. She's extremely independent and plays well by herself. She's happy and a great kid and that's all I can ask for.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Apr 3, 2013 14:50:27 GMT -5
Why don't you still go? My high school doesn't/didn't have football. The big thing there is basketball. None of us played in high school, but we played in the band that played at half time/in between JV and Varsity games. So my parents went to the games. Even the gap between my brother and I being in high school, we still went to a lot of games. Now my parents take my Grandma to see the kids on her block play. I graduated in 2000 and they are still going to games. Partly to cheer on my Grandma's neighbors, but also just because. While my mom was visiting us, they had the regional championships and the weather was too bad for my Grandma to get out, so my dad went by himself. Actually we do go to an occasional little league baseball game. You get a totally different perspective. Mainly we just laugh at the parents who are into every little thing about the game - because we used to be that way.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 3, 2013 14:54:47 GMT -5
We parent similarly to gira. My kids are too young for me to say its perfect (and I wouldn't say that regardless of technique), but it works for us and seems to work well with our kids personalities.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 14:57:57 GMT -5
My parenting method is "Make shit up as I go along and pray I don't end up shelling out for therapy".
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 3, 2013 15:01:36 GMT -5
Why do we have to put labels on how we parent? I couldn't label my parenting style if I wanted to. So, maybe you would call my parenting style bipolar.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 15:04:20 GMT -5
Why do we have to put labels on how we parent?
Because then I can tell you that you're doing it wrong and here is a book that backs me up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 15:07:55 GMT -5
HBBQ, wow - you wear your 16 month old? I couldn't wear DS at 16 months if I wanted to... he was over 30" tall and over 20 lbs at that point!
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 3, 2013 15:10:19 GMT -5
HBBQ, wow - you wear your 16 month old? I couldn't wear DS at 16 months if I wanted to... he was over 30" tall and over 20 lbs at that point! I had no problem wearing DS at 1.5 with a good a carrier (back carries mostly, but I used a ring sling for my Grandma's funeral) - I actually carried him on my front for about 30 min when he was 20 months, but like I said a really good carrier - he was 26lb and 33" at that point, I think). I would have worn him at 2.5 if I hadn't been pregnant.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 3, 2013 15:11:56 GMT -5
Why do we have to put labels on how we parent?
Because then I can tell you that you're doing it wrong and here is a book that backs me up. So labels are just a way to make some person money. Quick come up with a label that hasn't been taken and we'll write a book about it and get RICH!!!!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 15:14:34 GMT -5
come up with a label that hasn't been taken and we'll write a book about it and get RICH!!!!! A sure fire way to screw up your kids: The making shit up as you go parenting strategy. ETA: nevermind I think that's called Freestyling. We could captialize on the whole Tiger mom/French mom thing. How to parent your kid the (insert where you live) way.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 3, 2013 15:19:55 GMT -5
So how to parent your kid the Midwest way?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 15:22:14 GMT -5
HBBQ, wow - you wear your 16 month old? I couldn't wear DS at 16 months if I wanted to... he was over 30" tall and over 20 lbs at that point! I had no problem wearing DS at 1.5 with a good a carrier (back carries mostly, but I used a ring sling for my Grandma's funeral) - I actually carried him on my front for about 30 min when he was 20 months, but like I said a really good carrier - he was 26lb and 33" at that point, I think). I would have worn him at 2.5 if I hadn't been pregnant. I am paranoid about hurting my back (I have sciatic nerve issues) so I really try(tried) not to overdo it with holding DS. I'm also one of those "you are able-bodied enough to walk, but Mommy will hold your hand" mommies.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 3, 2013 15:22:51 GMT -5
Flyover parenting!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 15:23:00 GMT -5
So how to parent your kid the Midwest way
We could make it into an entire series. How to parent the Iowan Way, How to parent the Nebraskan Way, How to Parent the Ohion way etc. We'll be rich!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 15:23:13 GMT -5
I think the best way to guarantee that you don't screw up your kids is to have someone else raise them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 15:25:28 GMT -5
Flyover parenting!
I got a better one How to parent your child when all you are is an uncultured potato farmer living in flyover country with no access to modern medical care.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2013 15:26:24 GMT -5
corn husk diapers?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 3, 2013 15:27:49 GMT -5
corn husk diapers
Sounds itchy, but would make an awesome state fair contest. Wonder who I would proprose that too?
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