Fair Weather Friends

[ZaireinHD]

I don't know, I think Z is in the right spot . . at least from reading this thread from page one to four.

It looks like Z is trying to find answers like the rest of us . . . or most of us.

But this is a decision that only you can make. Only you know your mind and soul, nobody else does.

it was the right spot - a death of a friendship, not just any friendship - a true friendship that has over a decade of development.

[ZaireinHD]

Jan 1, 2013 19:51:19 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Zaire - You keep posting about how tortured you are over you best gal friend. We have all clearly said that it is TIME to end this friendship.true, but it is based on that I am hurting, currently hurting. what about after I end it? will the hurt go away, probably not You haven't said a single word in her favor as to WHY you shouldn't and shouldn't do so immediately.

wait? I haven't mentioned something in her favor!
what does that mean?
if my friendship of over a decade is coming to an end by my choice that alone should be enough? that it's obvious that my close friend has been there for me and is a very big part of my life. if all I am posting is how hurt I am - to me it's obvious I will suffer a great loss in my life.

so what is it that I can post "in her favor"
post examples how she has supported me throughout the years?
post examples of how we became close throughout the years?
post about how we have shared our lives over the years?
post examples of how comfortable we were and can tell each other everything?

[weltschmerz]

Jan 1, 2013 19:33:12 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

It sounds like your playing sadistic mind games.

sadistic? had to look this one up.

can't post the back story it's one sided. I am a good effective communicator, well to others and not my x-best friend these days.

her life is going a different direction and it could be a phase. she might come to her senses, and get back to the woman I've known for so many years. however that is difficult to see now because of change. guess you would have to have a kid that is going through a fad or something to understand.

Maybe you only thought she was your best friend, kind of like you think you're "a good effective communicator". You're not...far from it. You have most people here scratching their heads and wondering what the hell you're talking about.
Leave her alone, Zaire.

[ZaireinHD]

The opposite happens for me. I don't realise what good friends I have until the chips are down and people show up out of the blue to help or just be supportive.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Do you read everything everyone is posting - or just what you WANT to read?

You're quoting shit that was posted days or weeks ago - and ignoring everything else. I can't even figure out WHO you're quoting or if the quotes are even from this thread.

[Deleted]

Jan 1, 2013 22:46:06 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Jan 1, 2013 19:51:19 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Zaire - You keep posting about how tortured you are over you best gal friend. We have all clearly said that it is TIME to end this friendship.true, but it is based on that I am hurting, currently hurting. what about after I end it? will the hurt go away, probably not You haven't said a single word in her favor as to WHY you shouldn't and shouldn't do so immediately.

wait? I haven't mentioned something in her favor!
what does that mean?
if my friendship of over a decade is coming to an end by my choice that alone should be enough? that it's obvious that my close friend has been there for me and is a very big part of my life. if all I am posting is how hurt I am - to me it's obvious I will suffer a great loss in my life.

so what is it that I can post "in her favor"
post examples how she has supported me throughout the years?
post examples of how we became close throughout the years?
post about how we have shared our lives over the years?
post examples of how comfortable we were and can tell each other everything?

Zaire - The PAST is the PAST. Everything you mention above is PAST TENSE. Look, if you want to continue being her punching bag, that is entirely up to you. Frankly, she sounds like a nasty user. I don't care how great she was in the past. Maybe you connected for that time but now MOVE ON. Your intensity toward this so called "friend" is really goes beyond what most people feel towards their friends. And, do you have the same passion for your current GF? If so, you certainly do not demonstrate that here. And, it seems unfair to your GF and YOU are doing the same thing to your GF that is "friend" is doing to you but not totally investing yourself in your GF. You need to MOVE ON. There is nothing else to say. Yes, it is painful and you will feel a loss. But not moving on is preventing you from moving on emotionally, spiritually, mentally and every other way. It is going to hinder your progress in life and where you ultimately want to go if you don't BREAK THIS OFF NOW. Do it for YOUR sake.

[Reckless Roselia]

Great advice, Shooby.

I feel obsessing over someone will only cause damage to your own self-esteem and you'll eventually hit the state of depression.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

This particular obsession of Z's over friend X has been going on forever - she doesn't want him - but he's now advanced to focusing his every waking moment around making her be his friend (or whatever else it is he's looking for) - all while living with someone else. I call that stalking.

Stay tuned... in 6 months, he'll still be talking and obsessing about it.

[Reckless Roselia]

lol Lassie, tbh, I know what ZinHD is going through because I've been in a similar position but I've moved on now... as it had damaged my self esteem. I later saw it as having a fair-weather friend. It's not worth it.

[ZaireinHD]

Jan 2, 2013 6:58:46 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Zaire - The PAST is the PAST. Everything you mention above is PAST TENSE. Look, if you want to continue being her punching bag, that is entirely up to you. Frankly, she sounds like a nasty user. I don't care how great she was in the past. Maybe you connected for that time but now MOVE ON. Your intensity toward this so called "friend"so called? ouch! is really goes beyond what most people feel towards their friends.most people? I am NOT most people, I am unique. My friendship is unique. it's a friendship that HER and I have never experienced - we have said and expressed this between her and I. so because it is NOT what "most people" consider a friendship I should kill it?
And, do you have the same passion for your current GF?There you go again? why do you keep bringing up my girlfriend? If so, you certainly do not demonstrate that here. demonstrate here? Shooby? for one that would be off topic, and for two mentioning my relationship has nothing to do with the loss of my friendship.

And, it seems unfair to your GF and YOU are doing the same thing to your GF that is "friend" is doing to you but not totally investing yourself in your GF.wow - where is this coming from? my GF is spoiled..no she is EXTREMELY spoiled by me. there are no issues there
You need to MOVE ON. that is NOT an easy decision to make Shooby. if it was I would not be hurting and missing her so much. if all I had were bad times and really don't see the future could have additional good times I could "move on"

There is nothing else to say. ok guess we're done?

Yes, it is painful and you will feel a loss. But not moving on is preventing you from moving on emotionally, spiritually, mentally and every other way. It is going to hinder your progress in life and where you ultimately want to gothat seems / sounds like a good point - but you said were done...sooo if you don't BREAK THIS OFF NOW. Do it for YOUR sake.

WOW! Shooby
I didn't see this one coming from you.
it looks like you're like that Janet Jackson song - What have you done for me Lately or seems like you're a part time friend? when things get tough you would really abandon your long time friend? I think not? other wise you would not have any long time friends. so are you saying your long time friends never hurt you? and if they did you turn and keep away? I would think not?

oh well what ever you said what you wanted say - "There is nothing left to say"

[ZaireinHD]

Shooby let me let you know something about me
I am a good guy - I guess on a level you can not ever imagine or think of.
my close friend has helped and been a part of my development and personality I have today.
maybe you have not heard of the expression "we hurt the ones we love the most"?

let me give you an example of how I'm a good guy and how I treat my friends, people I consider a friend.
I have a email friend - I met at work 7 or 8 years ago. She is 9 years older than me and I consider her my yes man.
we worked together for about 7 or 9 months before she left the company. we don't see each other ever, we don't talk on the phone, and we text here and there. Never told each other I Love You...oh wait - I have NEVER said to her I Love You - SHE has just started to say Love Ya last year - like you have said to me. I purchased her a Coach ID holder as a just because gift. I also gave her a Tablet as a just because gift. (x-BF was upset I did that)

I don't need a reason like B-Day / Christmas / some special occasion to give someone a gift. I listen, and if I have the funds, and thinking of you it's done.

I also gave a co-worker a Coach ID holder as a just because gift last year.

My only guy friend that we have been friends a few years longer than me and x-best friend
he was in a situation and I felt he needed two tires for his car.
I offered to purchase the two tires - he has kids riding around on these fucked up tires! he didn't see the importance to replace them!
I gave him my Sears card - and of course the way his life works out - he ended up purchasing more than two tires.
calling each time the bill went up and up (and some more LOL)
the final bill came out to a bit over $600
I didn't ask for the money back, I didn't cancel the favor, I didn't ask him to pay for anything, and paid for it
GF and X-BF was upset (well very upset) but that is the level of friendship I am at.

[ZaireinHD]

Jan 2, 2013 15:59:46 GMT -5 Reckless Roselia said:

Great advice, Shooby.

I feel obsessing over someone will only cause damage to your own self-esteem and you'll eventually hit the state of depression.

the last part makes since what Shooby said and I can see going towards depression. it's difficult to put on a front around everyone hiding the pain of missing my close friend. but at the same time putting up a front helps get me out of bed - going to work and carrying on

[ZaireinHD]

I know what ZinHD is going through because I've been in a similar position but I've moved on now... as it had damaged my self esteem. I later saw it as having a fair-weather friend. It's not worth it.

so in your situation it was not worth keeping your friendship and years later you see you made the right decision.

at this point I could be making a mistake. but Shooby and mmhmm and a few others has helped a lot with the situation. thinking for future how do I think the direction of our friendship we once shared will get back on track or not and go into a different direction?

[ZaireinHD]

Jan 1, 2013 20:49:40 GMT -5 swamp said:

Again knock off the whining.

hello MOB member - thanks - for your support
again did you bring the cheese?

[steff]

Why do all your "friendships" revolve around what you have bought for them?

If I am talking about my bff (of 27 years), things we have bought for each other wouldn't even make the top 100 list. It would be our time together, our experiences, the crazy shit we've gone and done that made us legends in our minds (and one mall in Dallas, Texas). But when you talk about friends or the gf, it's ALWAYS about what you give financially or as gifts, never experiences or great memories.

Maybe that's what you might need to think about & reflect on.

[ZaireinHD]

because everyone can relate to money
to mention an experience of fun times, bad times, or helpful times
when no one was a part of - would be a bit difficult to understand the moment.
"had to be there" kinda thing

[steff]

sorry, but I still don't buy that...when you talk about friends & gf it always has what you do financially or how they are spoiled thru gifts you buy. Not everyone puts a $ value on friendships & it's not what people focus on. And yes, people can still relate to hearing about relationships built around "had to be there" moments...because we all have them.

[ZaireinHD]

Jan 3, 2013 0:45:02 GMT -5 steff said:

sorryexpression used, but I still don't buy that...when you talk about friends & gf it always has what you do financiallyWRONG or how they are spoiled thru gifts you buy.WRONG Not everyone puts a $ value on friendships & it's not what people focus on.true and I agree And yes, people can still relate to hearing about relationships built around "had to be there" moments...because we all have them. true, however if it were coming from someone other than me. if I mention experiences as I HAVE posted how I support GF is what you are forgetting to mention I guess on purpose forgetting to mention.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Zaire: LET-THIS-OTHER-WOMAN-GO!! - She's NOT your girlfriend - you already HAVE a live-in girlfriend. Why are you buying expensive gifts for the women in your office who are just co-workers?

The fixation you have on this X-friend (also female)and other females around you is getting beyond obsessive and turning into stalking - you've been going on for MONTHS now about the X - long after she dumped you as a friend.

GET-OVER-IT!!! And if you continue to chase after her, at least have the decency to break it off with your current live in chick first and live by yourself for a while instead of stringing her along.

[steff]

The "experiences" I've heard you mention were fixing her car, paying for something she wanted, buying this or that for her....again, financial stuff...

But anyway, IMO, it's beyond tacky & well, dickish to chase after one woman while having another one living at home. No matter how it's turned or twisted, it's still chasing after one woman while having another one living at home & that's wrong and well, dickish.

[mmhmm]

Let's try to get real, eh? Building up the drama around all this isn't helping the situation, as I see it. We're not out to produce, direct, and film the next blockbuster melodrama here ... I hope!

Friendship cannot be bought. Love cannot be bought. Both have to be given freely. That's the lesson you should have learned, Zaire, when your male friend tried to refuse a gift of tires and ended up abusing your credit card (which you thrust on him) with even larger purchases for which he graciously allowed you to pay. Someone who will do that is not your friend. Sorry, but that's the reality.

If I determine a friend of mine is in difficulty, I'll offer my help IF (and only IF) my friend asks me for help. I will not intrude on my friend's life. If my friend seems to be drawing away, I'll let my friend know I'm available when he/she wishes to contact me. At that point, I'll step away from the situation. The decision as to whether or not my friend needs my help isn't mine. It's his/hers. Friends do not intrude on one another. They're always available, but they do not force themselves into each other's lives.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 1, 2013 12:40:49 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

now that it's 2013 it's time to make a decision:
to keep a very long time close friendship going. to continue breathing life into it even though it's killing my heart and sole. feels like I can barely function day to day. with constant thoughts of this horrible painful time will pass and get better soon, as all bad days usually do.
or
let the friendship go - let it fade into the darkness? be that guy that when the times get tough I turn and run?
thinking people do change and always not in the best interest for myself, and if this is the direction the friendship is turning I should go? Thinking all things come to an end and I guess our close friendship has reached it's end?

which is a so very difficult decision to make while being in so much pain and wanting the pain to stop.

This sounds more like unrequited love to me. If you don't know what that means - it means you love her and she doesn't love you back the same way. The longer you stay around the longer your pain will last. I hope you find the strength to move from it soon. (((Hugs)))

SL said: I'm FAR more cautious of cyber-friendships. There's no eye-contact, no body language, or face-to-face human interaction.

An online friendship is fine if it's kept light, and not taken with too much dependence or trust. Someone you don't really "know" can tell you anything and there's no way of knowing if they're telling the truth or setting you up. I tread lightly around them - and don't reveal a lot about myself or my private life, until I have a good sense of where they're coming from. I've seen people taken advantage of or hurt and it really bothers me that people would lower themselves to using someone trusting for their own personal gain.

So you don't believe I'm a hot guy in a kilt and you're NOT sending me money to come visit you?

[weltschmerz]

Jan 3, 2013 1:14:22 GMT -5 steff said:

The "experiences" I've heard you mention were fixing her car, paying for something she wanted, buying this or that for her....again, financial stuff...

But anyway, IMO, it's beyond tacky & well, dickish to chase after one woman while having another one living at home. No matter how it's turned or twisted, it's still chasing after one woman while having another one living at home & that's wrong and well, dickish.

Even his weight loss was financially motivated. He said it himself....that money is the only thing that matters.

[weltschmerz]

came up with this wacky idea to lose 20 pounds. the odds are and have been stacked against me for years and years. there is very little motivation to actually lose 20 pounds. worst of all I feel nothing in my life actually makes any difference anyway so I'm doing this just because I want to or because I'm in the mood.

Been reading for years different motivation factors to losing weight, but nothing stuck. well because nothing matters to me. So what does matter to me? MONEY

-----------------

Sound familiar, Zaire? You worte it.

[weltschmerz]

I am a good guy - I guess on a level you can not ever imagine or think of.
------------
You reported the gentleman who empties the wastepaper baskets at your work for not saying hello to you. That doesn't sound like a good guy. There's more to being a good guy than thrusting cash and gifts at people.

[Reckless Roselia]

Jan 2, 2013 23:55:17 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

I know what ZinHD is going through because I've been in a similar position but I've moved on now... as it had damaged my self esteem. I later saw it as having a fair-weather friend. It's not worth it.

so in your situation it was not worth keeping your friendship and years later you see you made the right decision.

at this point I could be making a mistake. but Shooby and mmhmm and a few others has helped a lot with the situation. thinking for future how do I think the direction of our friendship we once shared will get back on track or not and go into a different direction?

ZinHD, I'd go with the advice many posters here have given you already. Believe me that you'll feel relieved without that woman in your life. I know this may hurt at start but trust me, you'll feel lighter ....tons of it! I know what you're going through as I've been through it too but later decided to label it as unrequited love. Another thing, it's not your fault what others turn out to be as you're not responsible for their behaviour patterns. Be happy with the life you're living and the gf you have now.

[Deleted]

Jan 2, 2013 23:15:52 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Jan 2, 2013 6:58:46 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Zaire - The PAST is the PAST. Everything you mention above is PAST TENSE. Look, if you want to continue being her punching bag, that is entirely up to you. Frankly, she sounds like a nasty user. I don't care how great she was in the past. Maybe you connected for that time but now MOVE ON. Your intensity toward this so called "friend"so called? ouch! is really goes beyond what most people feel towards their friends.most people? I am NOT most people, I am unique. My friendship is unique. it's a friendship that HER and I have never experienced - we have said and expressed this between her and I. so because it is NOT what "most people" consider a friendship I should kill it?
And, do you have the same passion for your current GF?There you go again? why do you keep bringing up my girlfriend? If so, you certainly do not demonstrate that here. demonstrate here? Shooby? for one that would be off topic, and for two mentioning my relationship has nothing to do with the loss of my friendship.

And, it seems unfair to your GF and YOU are doing the same thing to your GF that is "friend" is doing to you but not totally investing yourself in your GF.wow - where is this coming from? my GF is spoiled..no she is EXTREMELY spoiled by me. there are no issues there
You need to MOVE ON. that is NOT an easy decision to make Shooby. if it was I would not be hurting and missing her so much. if all I had were bad times and really don't see the future could have additional good times I could "move on"

There is nothing else to say. ok guess we're done?

Yes, it is painful and you will feel a loss. But not moving on is preventing you from moving on emotionally, spiritually, mentally and every other way. It is going to hinder your progress in life and where you ultimately want to gothat seems / sounds like a good point - but you said were done...sooo if you don't BREAK THIS OFF NOW. Do it for YOUR sake.

WOW! Shooby
I didn't see this one coming from you.
it looks like you're like that Janet Jackson song - What have you done for me Lately or seems like you're a part time friend? when things get tough you would really abandon your long time friend? I think not? other wise you would not have any long time friends. so are you saying your long time friends never hurt you? and if they did you turn and keep away? I would think not?

oh well what ever you said what you wanted say - "There is nothing left to say"

When i say 'nothing left to say" Zaire, what i mean is that we have all CLEARLY given you the advice you need, which is to end this relationship. This isn't a healthy friendship. It is a one way street. You are only hurting yourself and your future if you continue on. If you want to "justify" why you should continue being her punching bag, you may do so. I don't see what you think that is going to accomplish other than more bruises to your heart. You are allowing this relationship to be an unhealthy influence in your life. It is going to DESTROY any future relationships and you are the one who is going to miss out. We are all clearly telling you GET OUT of this relationship. Period.

[ZaireinHD]

M!
I REALLY can not figure you out!
you're driving me insane!
LOL ;D
but you have helped me with my relationship before (with others)
so ....your intentions versus your actions are confusing

[ZaireinHD]

Friendship cannot be bought. Love cannot be bought. Both have to be given freely. That's the lesson you should have learned, Zaire, when your male friend tried to refuse a gift of tires and ended up abusing your credit card (which you thrust on him) with even larger purchases for which he graciously allowed you to pay. Someone who will do that is not your friend. Sorry, but that's the reality.

If I determine a friend of mine is in difficulty, I'll offer my help IF (and only IF) my friend asks me for help. I will not intrude on my friend's life. If my friend seems to be drawing away, I'll let my friend know I'm available when he/she wishes to contact me. At that point, I'll step away from the situation. The decision as to whether or not my friend needs my help isn't mine. It's his/hers. Friends do not intrude on one another. They're always available, but they do not force themselves into each other's lives.

of course I agree friendship and love is not something picked up and purchased at a grocery store. sure I know that.
but the other stuff you have me all wrong!
umm... ok
let me back up - you don't have me all wrong
you're correct that I force my way into my friends situations
I volunteer to offer help when I see they are in need of help before they can ask. ok fine - that is what you or how you want to define intruding and forcing.

I've already taken the plan to step back away. I sent her my last text wishing her a Happy New Year, which I had already planned since last year. she sent a reply back on the same day. so it's over now no more contact with her.

[ZaireinHD]

ZinHD, Believe me that you'll feel relieved without that woman in your life.not too sure about that? I know this may hurt at start but trust me, you'll feel lighter ....tons of it! I know what you're going through as I've been through it too.

Another thing, it's not your fault what others turn out to be as you're not responsible for their behaviour patterns. Be happy with the life

Thank You Rose
I agree
my close friends meant nothing to me anyway! - don't know what I was holding onto in the first place. I guess because it's rejection - don't want to be rejected not a good feeling.
well it's done / she is done / we are over / I'm over her