muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 1, 2012 10:29:25 GMT -5
Then your reality is that he isn't going to behave in public if you have to take him with you all the time. I can't imagine having to take my toddler out to run errands half the nights of the week. Taking him out of the house after 6pm is for very very rare occaisons. We eat supper at home and if he doesn't nap then he goes straight to bed and if he does nap he can stay up and play until 8pm or so. Kids need that time to unwind at home before bed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 10:30:14 GMT -5
Nope, but 1) she rarely, if ever, butts in; 2) DH and I were already split on the issue; and 3) I didn't feel like pissing off my new MIL, husband, and the rest of the extended family over a minor issue. tee hee!
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Nov 1, 2012 10:31:43 GMT -5
Not saying it's the case with your son, but I've seen kids who are soooo doted on at home that when they get out in public and find their parents can't focus on them, they get carried away and act up. Nope not doted on. He is not quite 2. We do have to hand him snacks, drinks and change diapers. Which he has to ask for drinks snd snacks politely with a thank you following. He is a great self player. Give him blocks, trucks and cartoons and he is entertained for hours. He just throws fits in public. I hate it. We are on the go a lot. He needs to learn to behave out but I fear he is just a home body. Of course the kid is going to act out if you're always on the go. He obviously wants/needs a more settled environment. You're wearing him out with all your running around. This is half of what is wrong with most kids these days - to many activities and running around instead of having time to decompress at home and just be kids.
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doxieluvr
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Post by doxieluvr on Nov 1, 2012 10:32:54 GMT -5
I have to work. Being on the go is our reality. I try to have a few evenings we do no errands but some nights we have activities and he has to go. We do get home by 7 to have him in bed by 7:30. This might be your problem. If he's able to just drop off that fast, once home, my guess is he's getting too tired. He is quick to fall asleep once he is in his bed. But I have always put him to bed, said goodnight and walked out. I never catered to the screaming, so he learned to fall asleep.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Nov 1, 2012 10:34:22 GMT -5
I am also a big HUGE fan of declarative sentences. "Stop throwing rocks" is how I'd phrase it and that would be a "because I said so" for sure. If it needs explaining, he can argue with his parents. My oldest is Mr. Logic and always wanted to know why about everything, I would accommodate when I could but some things don't need to be discussed. My SIL has a child with undiagnosed issues, most likely ADHD and some other issue, he was violent even as a toddler toward her. (pulling her hair hard, slapping etc and she'd put up with it) She loved it when I'd correct him and still does. But she won't pull her head out of the sand and see what she can do to help him learn to control himself NOW when he's young (8 at this point). I have told her she needs to and when he's bigger than her is not the time to start trying. Not happening, so we spend less time with them so my kids don't learn things they don't need to. Sucks, but it is what it is. So, I guess my answer to the OP is it depends on whose kid it is (related, know I have the ok or not) and if the kid is endangering himself in some way it doesn't matter at all. And FYI, even with the nephew, the worst I've done to him is time out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 10:37:26 GMT -5
Nope not doted on. He is not quite 2. We do have to hand him snacks, drinks and change diapers. Which he has to ask for drinks snd snacks politely with a thank you following. He is a great self player. Give him blocks, trucks and cartoons and he is entertained for hours. He just throws fits in public. I hate it. We are on the go a lot. He needs to learn to behave out but I fear he is just a home body. Of course the kid is going to act out if you're always on the go. He obviously wants/needs a more settled environment. You're wearing him out with all your running around. This is half of what is wrong with most kids these days - to many activities and running around instead of having time to decompress at home and just be kids. My 10 year old was great as a toddler no matter what, but my two year old can't handle a full day of activities. This last week with all the Halloween parties, corn maze, trick or treating stuff has resulted in way more meltdowns then normal. Routine is our friend with that kid.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 1, 2012 10:37:32 GMT -5
My husband has disciplined a few of our neighbor kids. He is great at it. First off, we pick our battles very carefully with kids (ours and others) so, it doesn't happen often. But my husband will get down on his knees and get right up to the kid's face and say "Do not throw rocks into our pool." If the kid squirms or looks away, he will very gently touch him and say "look at me" and then when he's got him in full blown eye contact he will say "Do not throw rocks into our pool - do you understand?" And he won't let the kid go until he gets acknowledgement. I swear it is so uncomfortable for some kids - they just don't misbehave at our house anymore. The fun of throwing rocks into our pool is not work the pain of having my DH speak firmly but low and quiet to you. This one kid in particular - he gets yelled at all the time. Older brother is a nightmare, younger brother is a brat, Dad flys off the handle, Mom is trying to keep things under control, his friends can be harsh. Yelling doesn't phase that kid at all. He thinks that is how people communicate. So when my husband did not yell, but he also did not give in - that kid was flabberghasted.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 1, 2012 10:43:57 GMT -5
This might be your problem. If he's able to just drop off that fast, once home, my guess is he's getting too tired. He is quick to fall asleep once he is in his bed. But I have always put him to bed, said goodnight and walked out. I never catered to the screaming, so he learned to fall asleep. your husband cant' stay home with DS at night and you take DD out with you?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 10:44:45 GMT -5
Mayim Bialik is a great proponent of gentle sharing and is now considered to be a parenting expert. To get a load of her parenting philosophy you should read this article, and the awesome parody that follows. She be crazy. By current conventional standards both of my sons qualified for speech, occupational and physical therapy and I gave them none. Both walked at a ripe 17 months, my older son did not speak sentences until well after 3, my younger son, age 2, communicates exceedingly well with signs and gestures but has not uttered a two-word phrase or even an “appropriately” formed word. I go nuts when I am at the park with my kids and parents hover over children, alternatively scolding them for not sharing toys with my kids and scolding my kids for not sharing with theirs. Here’s my deal: when my kid is done with that toy, they’ll give your kid a turn, and if your kid is not done with a toy, my kid can go ahead and wait, even if they throw the tantrum to end all tantrums about it. You have to read both articles to full appreciate the funnies. www.themompetition.com/2011/03/why-i-dont-force-my-kids-to-do-stuff.html
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 1, 2012 10:45:39 GMT -5
My husband has disciplined a few of our neighbor kids. He is great at it. First off, we pick our battles very carefully with kids (ours and others) so, it doesn't happen often. But my husband will get down on his knees and get right up to the kid's face and say "Do not throw rocks into our pool." If the kid squirms or looks away, he will very gently touch him and say "look at me" and then when he's got him in full blown eye contact he will say "Do not throw rocks into our pool - do you understand?" And he won't let the kid go until he gets acknowledgement. I swear it is so uncomfortable for some kids - they just don't misbehave at our house anymore. The fun of throwing rocks into our pool is not work the pain of having my DH speak firmly but low and quiet to you. This one kid in particular - he gets yelled at all the time. Older brother is a nightmare, younger brother is a brat, Dad flys off the handle, Mom is trying to keep things under control, his friends can be harsh. Yelling doesn't phase that kid at all. He thinks that is how people communicate. So when my husband did not yell, but he also did not give in - that kid was flabberghasted. The "low quiet" voice with the death stare works wonders. I have a pretty large network of friends with young kids. WE are all free to butt in and discipline each other's kids if we see something that needs addressing. My kids have been the recipient of these talkings to and time outs. I'm fine with it. I"ve also given them out and nobody has told me to knock it off.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Nov 1, 2012 10:46:05 GMT -5
I think it depends on the relationship with the parents. DS has a group of friends and the moms have all become friends. I have zero problem with any of them correcting my kid and I would theirs. I remember one time, we were all together and this one boy must have been on a sugar high. I just looked at him and said " Sit, quiet" like I would to my dogs- and he promptly did. His mom looked at me and said " I have to learn that one."
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 1, 2012 10:51:47 GMT -5
I would prefer that others "discipline" my son if I am not around, but by that I mean tell him no, redirect him, use Thyme's dh's approach, or come get me. Do NOT hit, swat, spank, yell, etc.
Thankfully ds is pretty mellow. I'm sure this next one will have the exact opposite disposition.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 1, 2012 10:55:59 GMT -5
Then your reality is that he isn't going to behave in public if you have to take him with you all the time. I can't imagine having to take my toddler out to run errands half the nights of the week. Taking him out of the house after 6pm is for very very rare occaisons. We eat supper at home and if he doesn't nap then he goes straight to bed and if he does nap he can stay up and play until 8pm or so. Kids need that time to unwind at home before bed. Tired kids act out. The other problem may be he is not getting enough napping during the day. At 2 they need at least 1 nap per day or they are going to be a terror in the evening.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 11:01:49 GMT -5
At 36 I need 1 nap a day or I am a holy terror in the evening. But yeah, your little one should not be on the go constantly. He is being over stimulated and I think it is selfish of both you and your husband to do that to the little guy.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 11:04:50 GMT -5
I took my daughter to the dentist this morning. Sitting in the waiting room was a dad and two elementary aged boys. It was unbelievable! The boys were fighting over who could play with the dad's phone and the dad kept using empty threats to get them to behave. Finally one was called back and the other was left with the dad. The boy kept trying to get the phone out of his father's hands. The father said he needed to send an e-mail first. The boy climbed on him and said "Johnny, give me your phone, you're too slow sending e-mails. You suck at sending e-mails". The father said if you don't sit down and be quiet you can't play with my phone at all and I'm putting it in my pocket. Well, the boy continued to be obnoxious and when the father was done, he handed him the phone to play with! More stuff went on, but I have to say at least I wasn't bored waiting for my daughter! I don't discipline other children with their parents present unless it is something that is harming my child. I do discipline other people's kids when I am watching them myself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 11:06:36 GMT -5
I don't discipline other children with their parents present unless it is something that is harming my child. I do discipline other people's kids when I am watching them myself.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Nov 1, 2012 11:34:03 GMT -5
My husband has disciplined a few of our neighbor kids. He is great at it. First off, we pick our battles very carefully with kids (ours and others) so, it doesn't happen often. But my husband will get down on his knees and get right up to the kid's face and say "Do not throw rocks into our pool." If the kid squirms or looks away, he will very gently touch him and say "look at me" and then when he's got him in full blown eye contact he will say "Do not throw rocks into our pool - do you understand?" And he won't let the kid go until he gets acknowledgement. I swear it is so uncomfortable for some kids - they just don't misbehave at our house anymore. The fun of throwing rocks into our pool is not work the pain of having my DH speak firmly but low and quiet to you. This one kid in particular - he gets yelled at all the time. Older brother is a nightmare, younger brother is a brat, Dad flys off the handle, Mom is trying to keep things under control, his friends can be harsh. Yelling doesn't phase that kid at all. He thinks that is how people communicate. So when my husband did not yell, but he also did not give in - that kid was flabberghasted. I've used the low quiet voice too and its amazing how quickly it can get someone's attention (adult and child). I'm also a big fan of clarifying a request to a child by asking "do you understand?". I did it with mine. I can't stand to hear an adult correct a child and then ask, "ok?" In my eyes, you're giving the child the option to say, "no, its not ok". It was hard habit to break for me, but once I did, my children's behavior improved and I seemed not to have to do as much punishing for small stuff.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 1, 2012 11:49:32 GMT -5
We do the couple of hours wind down before bed as well. I wish Mr. Rogers was still on TV. I would take that over Pajanimals.
At first I thought they were cute, after umpteen nighttime viewings I get stabby.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Nov 1, 2012 11:50:46 GMT -5
I don't make things that are not up for discussion even sound like a question. So much easier.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 1, 2012 11:53:06 GMT -5
I usually ask my kids do something first, and say please. The second time is an Order.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 1, 2012 11:55:03 GMT -5
We do the couple of hours wind down before bed as well. I wish Mr. Rogers was still on TV. I would take that over Pajanimals. At first I thought they were cute, after umpteen nighttime viewings I get stabby. Oh you have not seen Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood yet? It is quite the knockoff and seriously annoying.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 1, 2012 12:00:00 GMT -5
I've seen it. Once. That was more than enough.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 12:08:05 GMT -5
When my son was around 13 or 14 (?) he snuck out of the house to go to a party at his friend's house. I realized he snuck out at around 2:30 but quickly figured out WHERE he was...so I let him sneak back in and met him in the hallway. I was VERY calm and spoke to him in a very low and calm voice. It seriously scared the kid shitless. He laid on the couch bawling his eyes out! About a month later he said that yelling would have been less scary.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 1, 2012 12:30:42 GMT -5
I also haven't read the whole thread, but in terms of the OP, I would not discipline another person's child unless they were destroying my property or harming my child and the parent wasn't doing anything to stop it. If your kid hurts my kid, it's on. And it's likely going to be on with the other parent.
My number one parenting rule is: If you say it mean it. Don't make a threat unless you plan to follow through. And DD knows this.
I had a proud mommy moment today when I picked DD up at preschool. One of the teacher's aides told me how good DD is and that at the start of the year she couldn't believe DD was only 2.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 12:44:51 GMT -5
We actually ran into this issue with a member of one of my mom's groups. Her son is the biter I was complaining about a year or two ago, if anyone remembers. Our kids are almost four and her son's behavior stands out even more as the kids get older. Screaming in kids faces, hitting, throwing, tearful temper tantrums, scared of things, not sleeping or eating, etc.
I finally sat down with her and told her we weren't going to be playing with her son anymore until he got professional help. That I loved her but her kid's behavior was unacceptable. That once they got help I thought we should work together to make give every playdate the best chance of being successful, ie: not meeting with a lot of children around, making sure the kids are fed and have napped, leaving as soon as an issue starts, reducing the amount of stimulation. It broke my heart (I actually started crying) but I told her that allowing her son to behave that way was setting him up for a difficult life where he the other kids wouldn't play with him because of his behavior, where his interactions with other adults were entirely negative, and where he would feel bad about himself because everyone avoided him or was mad at him.
Two or three other friends talked with her too.
She recently took him to a child behaviorist and while they are working on the diagnosis it looks like he has autism, with perhaps ADD/ADHD, and/or OCD. Thank God they are getting help.
So I have a lot of sympathy for kids/parents with issues like that. But they aren't helping themselves by not addressing it and giving the kid every tool they need to thrive.
My child behaves very well for others, he's very timid. I've found with most of the kids I interact with that I don't have to discipline them at all because they've got good parents and because most kids behave better for others.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 1, 2012 12:52:02 GMT -5
anne, I remember when you had that issue. And I think you handled the situation very well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 1, 2012 12:53:30 GMT -5
Doxies live in is never around for any of the scut work involved in raising children or running a home. Unreal.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 1, 2012 12:53:52 GMT -5
I agree. And I think in my friends' case, their son's actual "diagnoses" are fairly minimal - his attitude/behavior is not really a result of the ADHD. Male friend is somewhat of a know-it-all, and so is the son - I think that's where he gets the back-talking. I think in the future I will be more firm and not try to reason with the kid, since it doesn't do much good. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses! And he drives me crazy, but he isn't a bad kid... whenever someone praises him, his face completely lights up. He is very inquisitive and smart. He just doesn't have any boundaries, and his parents don't seem keen on creating them.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 1, 2012 12:58:51 GMT -5
That's a shame because he will become more and more excluded. I remember having parents call me when no one would be their child's partner in PE. I told them I was unable to force any child to be their child's partner and the reason no one wanted to be their child's partner was because of behavioral issues and unless they were addressed, every game that required a partner, their child would be sitting out. It's amazing how fast the kids behavior changed. Parents don't give a shit until it hurts their little daring. I even had one complain to the principal and amazingly, she backed me up by telling the mom the same thing. That we are unable to force children to do anything, let alone be someone's partner. But that they still had to come out and just sit on the bench and watch others play until they were ready to be nice and get along with others.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 1, 2012 12:58:55 GMT -5
Tell him next time he throws a rock at your car, you're going to chuck one at the back of his head.
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