Disciplining others' kids - where's your line?

[midjd]

DH and I are very good friends with a couple who have a 6yo son, "Bobby". Bobby has unmedicated ADHD and can be a bit of a handful.

In my (completely unsolicited and child-free) opinion, our friends are not the greatest disciplinarians. They will scold Bobby for fairly minor transgressions but the big ones go unnoticed (e.g. a five-minute argument over why he couldn't wear a certain pair of boots vs. letting him throw rocks at someone's car).

My question is, how far would you go in disciplining other peoples' kids? I'm not comfortable yelling at my friends' kids, especially since I don't have kids, but when the kid is causing destruction and my friends are standing there mute, I feel like I should say something.

Parents, do you appreciate it when others step in, or does it piss you off?

[Deleted]

I shut up and mind my business.

Working in a grocery store I have became a pro at it. I don't know if it is because they are so used to their little devil's but some parents seem oblivious to their kid causing a scene or destroying everything in their path.

[Deleted]

Remind me of something: my wife cousin has 3 sons, they are a handful and she doesn't do a good job disciplining them.

A couple years back she went to visit a friend that just have birth with her kids and it seems the friend sister said: these kids are "birth controls".

She got upset but when my wife told me I said : But it's true; She just had the guts to say what a lot of people including me have been thinking all along.

[midjd]

The thing that drives me nuts about this kid is that he talks back... to everything!

Bobby, please don't throw rocks at that car, it makes dents.
- No it doesn't!
Yes it does, please stop.
- No it doesn't! See? *throws rock*

After I've asked him to stop once or twice and he says no, I'm at a loss what to do next

[Deleted]

Oct 31, 2012 18:39:51 GMT -5 midjd said:

The thing that drives me nuts about this kid is that he talks back... to everything!

Bobby, please don't throw rocks at that car, it makes dents.
- No it doesn't!
Yes it does, please stop.
- No it doesn't! See? *throws rock*

After I've asked him to stop once or twice and he says no, I'm at a loss what to do next

Stop babysitting him maybe?

While I love being with my little brother and sister, I have absolutely no patience for other people kids, none. Not even my wife cousin's which is why she makes sure they visit when I am at work... Only have to tolerate them for 1-3 hours a day.

[busymom]

I'd try redirecting him to doing something else (and hopefully he'll forget about throwing the rocks).


And, give your friends a swift kick. He's going to be quite the handful when he's older if they can't even control a 6-year-old. (Our local school district actually has worksheets for keeping track of kids that are "on track to go to jail".)

[Deleted]

If the parent doesn't disciplne the kid and it's my car I take the rocks from them. And/or redirect them to destroying their parents property. And then I tell the kid, in front of the parents "You need to stick to doing that just to your parents. The rest of us don't like it" Ya, I'm a jerk sometimes.

[kittensaver]

If OP kids are causing harm or destruction to me, my family or my home while they are in it, I speak up - on one occasion I've even gone so far as to "contain" a young child (put my hands around his shoulders to stop him from hitting or kicking things). Before anyone jumps on me, I did not grab, squeeze, pinch, shake, yell at or hit the child - I merely came around his back side and put my hands and arms around an out-of-control young child that desperately needed containment - and it worked. It's my house and my family and I don't want things deliberately damaged. If it's outside my home, I keep my mouth shut or walk away.

[zibazinski]

I'm afraid I'd avoid someone with an out of control brat.

[zibazinski]

If they ask me why, I'd tell them.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I was just asking for advice on this subject the other day. My niece loves to come to my house and play and even though I don't have kids, I keep some things around for her to play with. My brother and sister in law are not disciplinarians. They don't let her do things that will hurt her physically, but they don't make her do much other than what she feels like doing.

I have rules at my house. And yes. It's because I'm OCD about a clean and ordered home. (That would probably change if I had kids of my own.) Anyway, she will get out a couple of toys, toss them aside and want something else. I tell her that's fine, she can play with anything she wants, but she has to put the other things back where they belong first. She gets stuff to eat, which is also fine, but doesn't want to throw the trash away. She just prefers to leave everything in the middle of the floor for someone else to pick up after her. That doesn't fly with me and we have some pretty huge battles of will.

She also says "no" when you tell her to do something (which would have resulted, when I was a child, in lost teeth). Her mom and dad just pretty much let her walk away. I stick with it until she does what she's told. Again. My house, my rules. I adore having her here and spending some time with her, but her contrariness seems to get worse the older she gets. It's not cute.

My brother thinks I shouldn't make her pick up after herself. I say it's my house, my rules. They aren't doing her any favors in not making her have any age-appropriate responsibilities. She's 6 and pefectly capable of picking up after herself.

So I don't know who is right and who is wrong or if there is a right and wrong. My nephew and I get along just fine. He does as he's asked but he does cheat at Go Fish.

[Deleted]

My house my rules.

[cubefarmer]

Don't over-explain. Use fewer words.

Boys and throwing things - it's one of those things where one second you're teaching them how to throw and the next second you are telling them to Stop throwing. Kids are still a work in progress. It takes awhile sometimes to learn when and where is okay and when and where is not okay.

[Deleted]

Green Eye Lady: It doesn't matter if they are wrong or right ; it's your house, your rules.

[susanb]

My SIL doesn't allow anyone (including her DH) to tell her children no, even when the hit/destroy. When her DH tries to correct her children, she chastises him, saying that he has to stop, he is grumpy and then excuses the behavior.

My marriage counselor advised me to say: "Hitting is not allowed in this house. If you would like to express something, please use words." Not sure how that is going to go, but can tell you after Thanksgiving

I also babysit for some friends who have great kids. If their kids act up when it is just me and them, I tell them to stop (they do). I also tell them I have to tell their parents about what happened. Parents decide on discipline. However, I am a really lenient/indulgent babysitter and I really don't care if they eat their veggies or get dirty when they are at my house. I watch my friends kids for free because I want to have fun playing, not to be a mom! I wouldn't watch a kid who threw rocks at cars, but it sounds like the kid is doing that with mom and dad around.

[Deleted]

Susanb: do you know the reasoning behind your SIL approach? I mean no one telling the kids no?

[whoisjohngalt]

We just had this very "interesting" discussion in one of my "mommies" group. The topic was sharing and it turns out some parents don't believe in forcing their kids to share. Turns out there is a whole parenting movement that is subscribing to Gentle Disciple Approach.... Since I, oh so love when I learn new things I decided to look it up and turn out that I think it's more of same psycho BS that I don't believe it.

That being said, the ONLY time I would say anything to another kid if it directly effected my kid. At that point, I don't give a shit what YOUR parenting style is, don't impose it on my kid and we'll be fine. At the same time, I would be OK if one of those women said something to my kid if he was being obnoxious to their kid. I just found out that my oldest was throwing sand on a girls head about 5 months ago and her mother didn't say anything to him or me. I told her - you have a green light if this kind of stuff happens again.

Lena

[whoisjohngalt]

Susanb: do you know the reasoning behind your SIL approach? I mean no one telling the kids no?

I can't speak for Susan's SIL, but I can tell you that one of our ex-pediatricians told us not to say "no" to a kid or he will get used to it and it won't mean anything. She advised us to re-direct.

May be it's true, may be it's not, but unless I take EVERYTHING out of my house that is not a toy, there is no way in hell I could get through a day without saying "no". And even than - my 2.5 yr old can spend an hour turning the light on and off, yeah, I am going to stand there and watch him do it .

Lena

[susanb]

Oct 31, 2012 20:18:19 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Susanb: do you know the reasoning behind your SIL approach? I mean no one telling the kids no?

No, she isn't very open to communicating with people about her parenting. If I had to guess, I would say it is because her father was verbally abusive and she has had an extreme reaction to that.

Lena, correcting using alternatives to no would be great. She will not correct even extreme behavior.

[Deleted]

I am going to be one bad bad bad parent

[midjd]

That's what baffles me about my friends' approach. Neither of them is remotely scared of using the word no - Bobby hears that a LOT. But while they will tell him no, he can't have a piece of candy, or no, he can't go watch Sponge Bob, they just stand by when he is causing actual destruction (or saying really bratty things I would NEVER have gotten away with). I assume it's just exhaustion. That kid wears me out after an hour, I really can't imagine parenting him 24/7. So I try to cut him (and them) some slack... but I am not always a very patient person

[cranberry49]

I literally stopped being friends with someone for not disciplining their kids while at my house. I will absolutely NOT tolerate such behavior. I made my kids listen to me and I never let them mess with others things. I expect the same respect at my house. I refuse to allow someone Else's brats...er...kids...to destroy my stuff that I worked hard for. If it was me, I would tell the parents to make the kid stop throwing rocks at my car or take him home! No if or buts about it! Call me mean all you want. I don't care. I just don't allow such behavior. I won't be on pins and needles in my OWN home while someone else makes me miserable. Adult or child!

[hoops902]

I don't discipline other people's kids at all except for my nephews. I don't wanna deal with the blowback from the parents honestly. I've gotten pretty good at pointing out when kids are misbehaving loudly but in really polite ways that make it clear the parents need to do something.

[doxieluvr]

Oct 31, 2012 18:18:40 GMT -5 midjd said:

DH and I are very good friends with a couple who have a 6yo son, "Bobby". Bobby has unmedicated ADHD and can be a bit of a handful.

In my (completely unsolicited and child-free) opinion, our friends are not the greatest disciplinarians. They will scold Bobby for fairly minor transgressions but the big ones go unnoticed (e.g. a five-minute argument over why he couldn't wear a certain pair of boots vs. letting him throw rocks at someone's car).

My question is, how far would you go in disciplining other peoples' kids? I'm not comfortable yelling at my friends' kids, especially since I don't have kids, but when the kid is causing destruction and my friends are standing there mute, I feel like I should say something.

Parents, do you appreciate it when others step in, or does it piss you off?

I have no issues with someone disciplining my kids. I may not see everything and I am under the belief it does take a village to raise a child.

[TheOtherMe]

I babysit once a week for my 4 year old great niece. It includes about 90 minutes with her 7 year old brother. Last spring, my great niece decided she was not going to mind me any more. She refused to go to her room for time out, which is what her parents told me to do with her. I'd pick her up and when I got to her room, she'd put her arms out and grab the door frame. I'd put her on the bed and she'd just run back to the living room. The last day she also refused to let me seat belt her in the car.

I told them we needed a break until she was ready to mind me. We took about a month's break before niece asked me at Easter why I didn't babysit her any more. I told her because she didn't behave and if she could be good, I'd do it again. DN and I established some ground rules for her and all has been good since then.

Since I was doing the babysitting, I was going to put up with her behavior.

[maraqxa]

And then you wonder why this world is so f&j@ed up? When did we become this over sensitive society that we get pussed if someone disciplines our child. Like someone says it does take a village to raise a child. It is really bad when we would let just kids do the wrong things because we don't want to upset the parent.

And I wonder are we all in our 30's or over screwed up? Because back then there werent so many studies that would tell you how to raise kids so Im thinking our parents did a crappy job.

[Peace Of Mind]

Oct 31, 2012 20:10:35 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Green Eye Lady: It doesn't matter if they are wrong or right ; it's your house, your rules.

Maybe, but she was right. My childhood best friend did not discipline her son and other friends of ours stopped inviting them to their homes. He listened to me and I never had any problems with him because I spoke directly to him and explained what I was saying. The other friends just bit their tongues and she never knew how they felt.

But I agree with "My house. My rules." for the most part. The rock situation I'd speak up and wouldn't care what the parents thought about it. There are laws about destroying other peoples property and I'd remind them of that.

[cranberry49]

Oct 31, 2012 21:26:27 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

I would be mortified if my kids were so undisciplined that they were upsetting others.

You and I both!

[cranberry49]

Oct 31, 2012 21:30:25 GMT -5 maraqxa said:

And then you wonder why this world is so f&j@ed up? When did we become this over sensitive society that we get pussed if someone disciplines our child. Like someone says it does take a village to raise a child. It is really bad when we would let just kids do the wrong things because we don't want to upset the parent.

And I wonder are we all in our 30's or over screwed up? Because back then there werent so many studies that would tell you how to raise kids so Im thinking our parents did a crappy job.

Exactly!

[Phoenix84]

Tough issue. In general, if the kid was causing destruction to someone's property, I'd inform the parents.